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Thursday, March 31, 2005 :::

Recurring Nightmares

I have had four recurring nightmares in my lifetime:

1. Ages 4 thru 6: Spiderman is evil. He captures me and digs out my stomach with his bare hands, where it is revealed that I have applesauce for guts.

2. Ages 6 thru 8: Mary Ingalls from Little House has an Axe and she is sitting at the end of my bed. (Most likely inspired by seeing the commercials for this movie.)

3. Ages 15 thru 22: I'm in a hedge maze and all my teeth keep crumbling or falling out. Then suddenly I'm eating this giant steaming hotdog... (no, just kidding about the phallic hotdog, but the teeth thing is for real, and I know it must have some revealing significant subconscious meaning).

4. Ages 22 thru 30: The part-time job that put me thru college – Adventures in Video – calls. They scheduled me for a shift tonight and they just want to make sure I'm going to show up. I panic about where I've misplaced my uniform.

So. Please analyze.

::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments Social Bookmark Button


Boooo. I'm boring.

I hate things like this site where you can make yourself into a Southpark character because I'm so generic looking that it always goes like this: brown hair - check ; inoffensive clothing - check ; regular old face and eyes - check. Done. Anyway, this is what I came up with:

I gave myself the wierd mouth and eyes because I'm always mid-blink in pictures or trying too hard to remember which smile looks the best on camera. I gave myself the beer to make it seem like I'm at least a little more exciting than I really am.

::: posted by dan at 10:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 30, 2005 :::

Newsflash: Trailer all blowed up.

Direct from my hometown local news: Dude's trailer got all blowed up.

Click here to view a video with the best eyewitness accounts ever caught on tape. Here is a sneak preview:

Or if you're more interested in the details, you can read the article here. This has to be one of the best things I've seen all week, and I owe it all to MommyT. I wish I could save it and watch it for always. Is there any way to do that with a streaming Windows Media file?

::: posted by dan at 6:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments Social Bookmark Button


The recipe for happiness.

According to this article, a German Scientist has discovered the recipe for happiness: 5 compliments to every 1 insult. So if I'm interpreting this correctly, in order to make someone happy you just gotta follow up every personal attack or criticism with five kind statements, real quick like. This will come in extremely helpful the next time you really need to get something off of your chest. It could go something like this:

"I gotta tell you, you've got the most vapid personality out of anyone I've ever met... but your hair looks nice, your breath is usually fresh, your ears are perfectly symmetrical, you're a safe driver, and your posture is above average."

See? You get your point across, and in the end... no harm done. Hooray for science!

::: posted by dan at 4:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 29, 2005 :::

Really not cute.

My old apartment had a courtyard in back with pretty hedges and cherry blossoms. It also had a gang of fearless rabid squirrels that would swarm and charge anyone who dared try to cross it. The problem was that the entrance to the underground parking garage required an unavoidable trip across the courtyard and the maintenance crew had worked the army of squirrels into a frenzy by feeding them peanuts all summer long. One guy in particular would train the squirrels to jump up on his legs to retrieve the snack. Squirrels are stupid. They can't tell the difference between peanut-packing maintenance men and regular old folk like me who don't like it when sharp-clawed bushy-tailed rats run up their pant legs. By the end of summer you had to peek out the window and wait until the coast was clear and then make a dash for the garage door, or before you knew it five squirrels would be scaling your legs with more squirrels rapidly approaching from every direction. One of them even got as high as my lower back once before I shrieked like a woman and scared it off , all the while shouting "No peanuts! No peanuts here!"

Anyway, this lady tries real hard to make her squirrel seem cute and innocent. Putting it in a yuppie sweater and posing it like a high school senior picture, but you can't fool me. That thing would claw your eyes out for a peanut. Meet Sugar Bush, [via Presurfer]:

::: posted by dan at 11:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments Social Bookmark Button


Get your act together.

I honestly don't know enough about the whole Social Security issue to really have an intelligent opinion. I know that the idea of giving people the ability to invest their own Social Security contributions sounds like a really bad one, and kinda opposite of the whole Social Security concept, but I don't have any better ideas on how to fix it so I try to keep my mouth shut.

But I do know that if the official Social Security website doesn't recommend the concept, that maybe Bush should pursue a different avenue. Or they should at least update their website before they put it to a vote. Man, someone over there really needs to get their act together.

Direct from the mouth of babes (that old chestnut):

I think I could do better if you let me invest the Social Security I pay into an Individual Retirement Plan (IRA) or some other investment plan. What do you think?

Maybe you could, but then again, maybe your investments wouldn't work out. Remember these facts:

-Your Social Security taxes pay for potential disability and survivors benefits as well as for retirement benefits;
-Social Security incorporates social goals - such as giving more protection to families and to low income workers - that are not part of private pension plans; and
-Social Security benefits are adjusted yearly for increases in the cost-of-living - a feature not present in many private plans.

::: posted by dan at 11:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


WDAN in Minneapolis

I put some new songs that I really like into my Juke ------>

Also, the second episode of the American version of The Office is on TV tonight. It's a poor copy of the original, but it's still worthy of a watch. I saw a sneak preview of tonight's episode online and it's particularly funny and involves an ill-conceived diverity seminar. Since Gilmore Girls is a repeat, you may as well check it out.

Oh, and the new Beck CD comes out today. It's a great CD, but I can't tell you how disappointed I am that he is a Scientologist. Anything that puts you in the same camp as Kirstie Alley and Jenna Elfman should be avoided, is what I always say. No, really I do always say that. On a daily basis. Ask anyone.

::: posted by dan at 10:27 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Suddenly I'm afraid of my basement.

A couple months ago I was all giddy to find a copy of the soundtrack to The Shining on MP3. It's been out-of-print forever, and honestly I'm not sure why I wanted it in the first place because I can't imagine ever listening to it, but finding it was the highpoint of my week. The problem is that I accidently put the MP3 files into my audio player's watchlist folder, which means my Audio Player automatically added it to my music library. So the other night I was alone and working late in the basement with my entire MP3 music library on automatic shuffle when this song came on (right click to download the MP3). It was unsettling to say the least.

"Come and play with us, Danny."

Update: Molly and Jen tipped me off of this pic of the Shining Twins, all growned up:

Takes a little bit of the terror out of it. I can once again enter the basement. Although that forehead could still cause nightmares.

::: posted by dan at 8:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 28, 2005 :::

Pure Romance

I know someone who recently attended a Pure Romance party, which apparently is kinda like a Pampered Chef party only for dirty lotions and vibrating toys. She tells me that they also sold a particular numbing ointment called AnalEase that had the added benefit of soothing a baby's teething pain. Just add a dab of AnalEase to your child's ailing gums and the pain subsides. I can't tell you how disturbed I am that someone actually had the brainstorm of using AnalEase instead of Ambisol on their toddler's toothache. I can only imagine the thought process that was involved. "Well, this feels good on my swollen anus, perhaps my crying baby would enjoy eating some..." A product like AnalEase is not like Duct Tape or WD40. It should not have 1001 uses.

::: posted by dan at 12:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, March 25, 2005 :::

Happy Candy and Go-Bots Day To You

One year on Easter I got a Go-Bot. It was the best Easter ever. Another year my mom slipped some Chewy Circus Peanuts into our Easter baskets. That was the worst Easter ever. Peeps are no good either, but if you like them, you can always make your own with the official Peeps Marshmallow Maker.

Anyways, happy Easter.

Oh, and don't sneak up on the Easter Bunny.

P.S. I'm a little unclear. Back in Jesus school they told us that he rose from the dead on Easter morning, three days after being crucified. But since he was crucified on Good Friday in the early evening, then that's really less that 48 hours later. It ain't even two full days. Please 'splain.

::: posted by dan at 3:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 23, 2005 :::

An oldie but a goodie.

This one is for K-Mack (because it will remind her of her favorite Onion article, ever):

Guess What?

::: posted by dan at 10:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Such a pretty outfit.

I can't tell where her boobs end and her beer-gut begins. Yuck.

I have a pair of pants that make me look like I'm wearing a diaper that I thought were really unflattering. Could be worse, I guess. But I bet if you took that pattern and were more careful with how you placed the warping, you could actually make certain smaller bulges look way bigger. Hmmmmm.

::: posted by dan at 10:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 21, 2005 :::

Neat stuff from the intarwebs.

The Mark of the Beast Flipbooks [via presurfer]

Videos of what happens when you pop a water balloon in low gravity [via Cynical-C]

The new Fiona album, leaked [via stereogum]

::: posted by dan at 10:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Orange you glad you don't have a baby?


This is a pic from somebody's baby shower.

::: posted by dan at 9:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Damn you, alternating current!

Blogger replied to my bitching.
They sent me this link, blaming the poor performance of blogger on electricity.
See, it was all Ben Franklin's fault.

They also assured me they are adding more servers, even though it was not a server issue.

::: posted by dan at 9:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, March 20, 2005 :::

Triple X

I'm newly 30 (XXX). My twenties are officially over. I celebrated all weekend with fondu and drinks and a custom made T-shirt.

View the pictures to see some of these weekend highlights:

* Friday night fondu.
* J-Wack's Nut-Lay
* T-bone's painted toenails.
* Lots of drinks, lots of hugs, and a little dancing.
* Spending the first hour of my thirties like I was turning 21 again.
* Our encounter with Superman.
* T-bone relieving himself on my new retaining wall.

Other non-pictured birthday weekend highlights:

* Birfday lasagna courtesy of mama.
* Gifts, including books, DVDs, CDs and a gift certificate for a massage.
* Birthday morning brunch with LJ to cure a nasty hangover.
* B Stacy B finally visited my house!
* Birthday tacos with Stacy and Furry.

My thirties totally rule so far.

::: posted by dan at 11:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


How not to wear a top hat.

Here are some helpful warnings and instructions I've come across on the web over the last few months, cuz I care about your well-being:

::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 16, 2005 :::


Yanni meets Ween in a record store window:


I didn't take this picture, I just found it online, but I figured I better post something funny to balance out the gravity of the last post.

::: posted by dan at 4:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Bible Beaten

The Rapture Index is the most evil, inherently offensive example of misguided Christian arrogance that I've ever seen. It's basically an ever-changing scale that judges how close we are to The Rapture (and therefore the biblical apocalypse) based on how closely current world events are echoing the prophecies foretold in the Bible's Book of Revelations. Apparently it's supposed to make dedicated Christians feel comfortable in knowing that Jesus is on his way back to town.

The problem is that the Book of Revelations has been contested since shortly after it was written back in the first century, AD. Nobody is even really sure who wrote it, although most scholars believe it was John the Apostle. It was amended to the Bible at a later date, and its legitimacy has been challenged ever since. If any faithful believers had actually ever read or researched the book (most Christians prefer to have it interpreted for them by people with questionable motives) then they would discover that it is mostly regarding the fall of the Roman Empire (Babylon) and not the fall of the entire sinful human race. They would also discover that the book of Revelations never even mentions The Rapture. The only actual biblical reference to the concept of The Rapture is in Thessalonians, but it's been incorporated into the concept of the apocalypse by people who obviously want to scare you into believing (because who wants to be left alone on earth with all the rapists and murderers when all is said and done?). Finally, they would realize that the author of the Book of Revelations clearly believed that the second coming was going to happen within his lifetime. Wouldn't the fact that it didn't ever happen kind of cast a shadow on the legitimacy of his other predictions?

So anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are many fundamentalists of influence (um, like the President, for example) who believe that the Rapture is coming, based on half-assed interpretations of a book from the Bible that has been contested since it was written by god knows who. Or maybe these people don't even actually believe the Rapture is coming. Maybe they just want YOU to believe it is coming so that they can keep you in a controlled state of fear and ignorance. I'm getting preachy now, but just read some of the hellfire indicators in the Rapture Index and see how people are using the fear of the apocalypse to push their political agenda. Specifically, notice how the sinful acceptance of homosexuality is considered a sign that the Rapture is nearing (that's a strange biblical "sin" to focus on, out of all the sins cataloged in the Bible). What a coincidence that gay marriage is the hottest moral debate in the country right now. Note that nowhere in the Book of Revelations is homosexuality ever mentioned.

Even more sickening, this Rapture Index is created and maintained by the same people who write the incredibly popular and profitable Left Behind series of post-apocalypse novels – a series of books whose success depends on people who believe that the Rapture is indeed coming. It's profiteering through scaremongering. And it's way more evil than two chicks gettin' hitched, let me tell you what.

Of course, the Book of Revelations also clearly states that only 144,000 people of faith will be saved during the apocalypse, so most of those fundamentalists are going to hell anyway. And after all that effort they put into proselytizing! Man, would I be pissed.

::: posted by dan at 12:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 15, 2005 :::

New Music

I put new songs in the juke for anyone who cares. ----->

::: posted by dan at 11:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button



I always figured something like this existed, but I've never actually seen them before. Sexy mouse pads for desperate, lonely computer nerds:

You can buy them at For serious.

I don't want one for my birthday (which is only 5 days away, FYI).

::: posted by dan at 2:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Damn you, slip-on shoes!

These are my work shoes. They are most uncomfortable shoes on the planet:

Eight hours of working in these shoes causes severe back strain and almost crippling arch and heel pains. I have many pairs of more comfortable dress shoes that I could wear, but the big difference is that this pair conveniently slips on, and I don't even have to bend down to get the job done. I would rather endure eight hours of foot torture than spend an extra three minutes in the morning having to deal with something as archaic and frustrating as shoelaces. I am a lazy bastard.

::: posted by dan at 2:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button



So everyone hates blogger right about now. Posting is difficult, usually resulting in a "cannot find server" error, and commenting is nearly impossible. My sister noticed that it seems to move a little faster if you log in to Blogger before trying to comment, but that seems to be hit or miss, too. I've emailed a couple complaints and have gotten <sarcasm>extremely helpful</sarcasm> canned advice in return, such as: "If you get a slow response, it's because the system is busy. Simply try again later!" Blah.

Here's to hoping they upgrade their servers soon, or I'm jumpin' ship.

Maybe the problem starts with all of us post-happy bloggers clogging up bandwidth. Check out these recent crazy blogging stats [via boing boing].

::: posted by dan at 1:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 14, 2005 :::

Nemo on ice.

This freaks me out. Finding Nemo... On Ice!

Mommy, why does Nemo have two heads?

::: posted by dan at 10:09 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Back from the dead.

My mono has subsided so it's back to work. Believe it or not, I'm excited to be back. Three weeks of lying around on a couch isn't as much fun as it sounds. I think Charles Nelson Reilly said it best:

::: posted by dan at 9:37 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, March 13, 2005 :::

A Dirty Shame

I've been harboring a secret shame. I heart Taco Bell. I've always been embarrassed to admit it, going as far as eating it secretly in my car so as to dispose of the evidence without being seen. It's probably my favorite fast food. I even prefer it to Chipotle, whose burritos people seem to ooh and aah over. I have no idea why I'm so ashamed of my love for Taco Bell, but Dateline NBC has made me a little more comfortable with their Dirty Dining rankings for 2004. Here is their list of how the top ten fast food restaurants rank, according to average number of critical health violations, from cleanest to dirtiest:

1. Jack in the Box
2. Taco Bell
3. Wendy's
4. Subway (tie)
5. Dairy Queen (tie)
6. KFC
7. Burger King
8. Arby's
9. Hardee's
10. McDonald's

Too bad they didn't do any studies on Leeann Chin, because B* found a fake fingernail in his Peking Chicken there once (better than a real one, I say), and I witnessed my dining companion find some chewed-up gum in this Chinese Buffet once. I've never had any really disgusting experiences at a fast food restaurant personally, but I did get food poisoning from Rocky Rococo's once. I haven't eaten there since, of course, and never will again.

::: posted by dan at 6:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Countdown to 30

Only 7 days left of my roaring 20's. I better make the most of them.

I finally updated my Junk. The last Junk update of my twenties.

::: posted by dan at 5:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, March 12, 2005 :::


I was driving back from picking up lunch today, down a usually free-flowing one-way street in my neighborhood, and suddenly traffic bogged down to a crawl. All four lanes were backed-up, people were putting on their emergency lights, and I was getting frustrated because my fast food wasn't going to maintain its ideal temperature forever. I couldn't see far enough ahead to figure out what the hold-up was, so I started to bob and weave between cars, cutting off the slow-pokes, giving dirty looks, forcing myself in between lanes like a regular jackass. It wasn't until I had cut-off a good twenty cars when I finally got to the leader of the pack and realized it was a patrol car. At first I thought everybody was just being a pansy, afraid to pass a patrol car, but then I realized the copper had his lights flashing and was driving unusually slow. That's when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all the little flags on all the cars I had so rudely left in the dust. Turns out I had just cussed and weaved and fought my way up to the head of a funeral procession. Oops. Sometimes I'm a clueless moron.

::: posted by dan at 2:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, March 10, 2005 :::

Dang, chimps have a dark side.

A barrel of monkeys does not always mean fun.

Chimps critically injure sanctuary visitor

St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose... His testicles and a foot also were severed...

That is one of the most disturbing things I've ever read. It can't be easy to sever a foot.

::: posted by dan at 11:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 09, 2005 :::

Radio Dan

I added a jukebox! If you look to the right, you'll see a little flash player that is loaded to the brim with some of my favorite songs of the moment. You can just click any song and it'll play on your computer in its entirety! Listen to them in order! Just like a radio mix! Isn't that the coolest thing you've ever seen?

It's just a test run really, since I have no idea if I'll have the energy to keep it updated, or if it will have any effect on the performance of my website, or if any of you even care what I'm listening to at the moment anyway. But it will be fun while it lasts. It's not like I'm sharing MP3s. You won't be able to download any of the songs if you like them, so it's probably not all that exciting for you now that I think about it, but you really shouldn't be looking a gift-horse in the mouth anyway, so shut the hell up. Jeesh.

::: posted by dan at 8:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 08, 2005 :::

I'm dumb again.

Guess I'm not so smart after all.

I can barely play this game before my brain starts to pop and lock:


It reminds me of a time when I almost reached Enlightenment while playing an old Sega Genesis game called Columns. For serious. It was kinda like Tetris, only with brightly colored falling Jewels that needed to be arranged into colored patterns. I was 15 years old, it was like 2am, and before I even realized it, I was way past any level I'd ever gotten to before, to the point where the game had literally run out of increasing difficulty levels; I had pushed the video game hardware to its limit. To anybody else, the falling Jewels would have been nothing but a blur, I'm sure of it, but I was strangely calm and in a crazy Zen-like state. The Jewels kept falling at jaw-dropping speeds, and I kept putting them where they needed to go, like an idiot savant counting toothpicks. This went on for like an hour. Nothing could stop me. I eventually had to submit and just turn off the machine and walk away because I knew there was no way it could beat me. For days later I would try to duplicate the experience, but I couldn't even remotely come close. I swear, it was truly miraculous. It was probably the only time in my entire life that I will ever come close to using my mind to transcend my physical limitations, and it was while playing lame video games when I was 15. Enlightenment remains elusive. Siddhartha needn't watch his back.

I'm on Vicodin.

::: posted by dan at 10:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Easily Amused.

Who's on first, video store style, from McSweeney's. Excerpted:

CASHIER: Hi. Did you find everything you wanted?

CUSTOMER: (Handing over membership card.) Yes, thanks. (Pause.) When is this one due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, when's it due back?

CASHIER: The day after tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Yes. The Day After Tomorrow.

Repeat ad naseum using different time-related movie titles, but it's worth reading anyway.

::: posted by dan at 9:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Year of the T-Shirt

This year people are getting some homemade T-shirts from dan for their birthdays. For instance, my sister got this one in January:

It's my face, dead center on her chest. Who wouldn't want that? And Cherry Nut got this personalized motivational T-shirt for her birthday last week, so that she can gain that extra edge while pursuing her half-a-marathon dreams:

Man I could quit my job and do this full time, I'm so good at it.

::: posted by dan at 9:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 07, 2005 :::

Off the charts.

Even in my weakened mental condition (I have mono, a fact that I really try to keep private), I'm still able to amaze even the experts. I took OkCupid's Commonly Confused Words Test and practically broke all their records for general smartness. They can't say enough nice things about me:

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't.

You scored higher than 99% on Beginner
You scored higher than 99% on Intermediate
You scored higher than 99% on Advanced
You scored higher than 99% on Expert

The quiz didn't test the proper use of one particular word, but I bet I'm using it correctly in regards to my test scores when I say: Booyah!

Yeah, so I'm super smart, but I still don't understand this. Please explain.

::: posted by dan at 7:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Boo hoo hoo.

I'm all out of sorts on medication and from being in a nearly-vegetative horizontal position for over two weeks straight (I have mono, in case you didn't know). I get over-emotional in this state. I cried at a rerun of Unsolved Mysteries today and I was overwhelmed with feelings when I got a get-well-soon card in the mail from all of my coworkers. Then I just came across this comic and now I'm all blubbery:


Is it just the Vicodin talking or is that the saddest thing you've ever seen? This happens every time I'm sick. I should steer clear of drama in this condition. I remember last time I had the flu I watched Rabbit-Proof Fence and I've yet to recover.

On a side note, my house is overrun with those things that look like ladybugs but aren't. Asian beetles or whatever. One flew in my mouth while I drifted in and out of consciousness today. Of course it made me cry.

::: posted by dan at 7:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, March 05, 2005 :::

Furry's Big Date

Furry had a big formal date tonight so she stopped by beforehand to show me her outfit. She's really insecure like that. She can barely leave the house without getting my approval first. Tonight I didn't have the heart to tell her that the whole sideways ponytail thing looks a little dated and that perhaps her sleeves were a little too poofy. That blue sure looks nice on her though, huh? Good luck tonight, Furry!

::: posted by dan at 8:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, March 04, 2005 :::

Things that talk that shouldn't.

I don't like things that talk that shouldn't. The talking Arby's Oven Mitt has to be the most hackneyed marketing campaign in the history of fast food. Almost as bad is the new talking baby spots for Quizno's subs (see the image on the left) which not only feature a badly animated talking baby, but also put him in the creepy situation of being hit on by grown-up women. It's totally grody. Follow this link to see how disturbing this can really be, and to send your friends some revolting talking baby email postcards about toasted sandwiches.

What's even more disturbing is that I read this article today about an actual real-life non-animated and non-fast-food-related 2-month-old baby that can say "Ma Ma" and "Milk" instead of crying when it's hungry. He looks like this but I bet he sounds like the approaching apocalypse:

::: posted by dan at 5:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button



These steroids have my name written all over them. Literally.

Jesus that pic makes my hand look fat. In case you didn't know, because I really try not to bother people with my problems, I have mono. So I'm on drugs. First on the menu is the steroids, which are supposed to lessen the swelling in my throat but have done nothing so far except to create the illusion of knowing what pure ass tastes like. Seriously, I've never tasted anything like it. It's like licking something rusty that's been dipped in 409.

Next on the plate is Vicodin, which relieves the pain long enough for me to swallow for a short period of time. But since my throat is swollen to about a quarter of its normal diameter, I'm not able to eat much anyway, so I've mostly stuck to a diet of apple sauce, pudding, and the 7-Layer Burrito from Taco Bell. It's become a race to get to the Taco Bell and back in order to eat my burrito before the Vicodin wears off. As for any other euphoric side-effects that people claim Vicodin creates, I haven't experienced them, so at least I can rest assured that my bout with mono will not be followed-up with a stint at Hazelden kicking pain killers with rock stars and sitcom actors.

::: posted by dan at 4:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, March 03, 2005 :::

Ack! Poison!

Can you get mono from drinking expired Aquafina?

Seriously, I'm not an idiot. I know you can't get mono from expired Aquafina, but I just realized I've been drinking some rotting bottled water that I must've had stored in my basement for longer than I thought. Why does water need an expiration date? And what will happen to me now that I've drank it? Do I need to call the 1-800 number on the bottle? Please advise.

Semi-related: re-heated Chalupas from taco bell also taste like poison. FYI.

::: posted by dan at 4:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


My boss is funny.

In case you haven't heard, since I usually try not to bother people with my problems, I have mono. My boss came by to drop off some software for me today and by the time I opened the door to greet him, he had already retreated back to the street, leaving my software at the door and successfully avoiding disease. The scene looked something like this:

No mono for him. He's a pretty funny guy, but even when the joke was over he still wouldn't come more than halfway up the stairs to talk to me. I considered running up and pretending to sneeze on his face or perhaps faking a seizure, but I thought that might be taking the joke too far.

::: posted by dan at 4:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 02, 2005 :::

Danza takes a dive.

I'm not a fan of Tony Danza. He's a Bush-supporter, an egomaniac, a bad talk show host, and one of those guys who always has to work a tap dance into every project he's involved with. Yeah, we know you can tap dance, dude, now give it a rest. So I may be taking too much pleasure in seeing him take a nasty tumble. Be sure to click on the image below to see the big version because it's way better and it describes the circumstances:

Click for larger. [FP]

I guess the pavement is the boss. Oh man, I wish there was a video of this somewhere.

::: posted by dan at 9:47 AM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 01, 2005 :::


When I'm sick I'll watch just about anything on cable because nobody can judge me for watching bad movies. It's like I have a free pass. Plus, there's nothing better to do at 3am when you can't sleep because the Nyquil is making you hallucinate that you are on Project Runway and Wendy Pepper is driving you nutso. Here are a few of the bad movies I've watched during my first 10 sleepless nights of mono:

Juwanna Man
Bubble Boy
The Pickle
Kangaroo Jack
From Kelly to Justin
Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back

I'm going to be borderline retarded by the time I kick this beast. And since we are talking about lists, here is a new list on McSweeney's:

Nonrecommended Questions for Your Five-Minute Speed Date.

My favorites:

Are you the type of person who tends to notice when something deviates even slightly from the norm—like, for example, the taste of a drink?

That sound in your head when you first decide you're going to spy on someone: clicking or buzzing?

Despite all the expense and hassle, isn't it worth it when you see it dawning on them that they're going to pay for what they did?

::: posted by dan at 6:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Why you should hate yourself, for Americans, volume 1.

You can always count on The CityPages to deliver a heavy dose of bottom-of-the-barrel liberal pessimism. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm a liberal and I like The CityPages, but this article, which is eye-opening, is also rather down on America. Booo!

America by the numbers

But actually, it makes a few interesting statements. The short of it:

• Twenty percent of Americans think the sun orbits the earth. Seventeen percent believe the earth revolves around the sun once a day
• The leading cause of death of pregnant women in this country is murder
• Forty-three percent of Americans think torture is sometimes justified
• Women are 70 percent more likely to die in childbirth in America than in Europe

::: posted by dan at 6:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


My diagnosis is in.

I gots the mono. I'm almost 30, I still have to take medication for acne, and now I have mono. Who gets mono when they are 30? I have no idea how I got it, but my biggest fear is that I accidently drank out of somebody else's Aquafina bottle at the gym. I am 100% positive that I contracted this virus at Bally's Swim & Fitness because the place is just not clean and everything I touch is wet from god knows what and there are ALWAYS used band-aids floating around in the shower.

I went to the doctor today and he sent me to the lab to give some blood and to submit to a throat culture. First the nurse lady took some blood which was surprisingly traumatic for me. I was still a little woozy from the site of vials of my own blood when she shoved two big q-tips down my throat. She jostled them around in there for what seemed like a lot longer than necessary and I started to gag really bad. Rather than take this as a sign that she should withdraw the swabs, she just increased her vigor, so I gagged even more and made a precursor-to-vomiting noise that sounded something like this: cxxxxhhhhchhhhhoohooooolll. Finally she pulled out, split seconds before the point of no return (she knew what she was doing, I'll give her that), but in the hubbub I had dropped the gauze she had given me to quell my pinprick, so I was bleeding down my arm. It was all quite a mess. I am not a very good patient. But the doc gave me some Vicadin and some Steroids. Booyah.

Anyway, I don't know why I told you all of that, probably because I love fishing for pity. I even told the Time Warner Cable lady who just called to sell me some digital phone service. She told me to "Smack dat mono. Tell him to go siddown. Tell him you won't be needin' nunnadat." It almost made me cry.

::: posted by dan at 3:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


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