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Wednesday, November 30, 2005 :::

Subversively Conquering the Internet

Sometimes when a client doesn't want to pay a model or stock photo company for the rights to use a photo, I get to throw myself into the mix cuz I kindly grant the use of my image for free. Like in this banner ad:

So keep an eye out for dan. I'll be like the Alfred Hitchcock of the web.

::: posted by dan at 11:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Indoor Pool

My sister has an indoor pool. I'm incredibly jealous of her, in spite of the fact that the god of irony has made her allergic to it. I don't like public pools out of fear of what people are doing in them, and I don't like lakes because of whatever fishy mysteries lie in their murky depths. The ocean has sharks and therefore panic attacks, so I usually only get to swim in personal pools like my sister's. My house is way too small to accommodate such a pool, but I think I may have found a solution from this guy:

I'd just have to reinforce my floor and buy a dehumidifier. What could possibly go wrong?

::: posted by dan at 8:27 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, November 29, 2005 :::

Bitches Love Me

My friend's dog:

He's a cute dog, so the bitches probably do indeed love him. On the other end of the spectrum, and in case you haven't heard, that crazy ugly demon dog died of old age last week. They interviewed his owner on CNN today and admittedly it was pretty sad.

Don't worry though, because when one spectacularly unattractive dog dies, there is always another one waiting in the wings to take it's place. For instance, I'm expecting big things out of this ugly little fella:

[thanks alivicwil]

::: posted by dan at 9:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, November 25, 2005 :::

A Kick Ass Christmas '05

Thanksgiving, my least favorite holiday, is also one of the most exciting days of the year, because it is the eve of the release of my annual Christmas Mix of musical awesomeness. I really like Xmas music, and this year I think I outdid myself with the playlist. It may be a little Sufjan heavy, but screw it, this is my mix and I can play whatever I want. Planetdan's only got one DJ, and it's me.

1. I Saw Three Ships by Sufjan Stevens
2. My Favorite Things by Herb Alpert
3. Father Christmas by The Kinks
4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by The Ray Conniff Singers
5. Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing by Sufjan Stevens
6. Constant Raincheck by Sundae Club
7. Marshmallow World by Dean Martin
8. Happy Holidays by Percy Faith
9. I Wish You a Merry Christmas by Big Dee Irwin
10. Put the Lights on the Tree by Sufjan Stevens
11. Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring by Dr. Elmo
12. Frosty the Snowman by Esquivel
13. Home for the Holidays by Perry Como
14. It’s Christmas Time by The Carpenters
15. Little Drummer Boy by The Ray Conniff Singers
16. A Rockin’Jingle Bells by The Partridge Family
17. Once in Royal David’s City by Sufjan Stevens
18. A Soalin’ by Peter Paul and Mary
19. We Need a Little Christmas by Percy Faith
20. Frosty the Snowman by Fiona Apple
21. The Friendly Beasts by Sufjan Stevens
22. What are you Doing New Years Eve? by Rufus Wainwright
23. A Party for Poppa Santa by Bing Crosby + The Andrew Sisters
24. Joy to the World by The Moog Machine

What's even better is that unlike last year, I now I have the JUKE BOX on the right side of this site, so for the month of December, it will feature my Kick Ass Christmas '05 on eternal loop. Spreading the joy, bitches!

::: posted by dan at 9:57 AM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments Social Bookmark Button


RIP Arnold

I woke up this morning and turned on CNN to hear:

"The man who taught the karate kid how to wax off has died..."

It was the first time I ever realized that "wax off" sounds suspiciously like "whacks off". Is this a joke I've been missing for years? Is that why people are always quoting that part of the movie? Does "sweep the leg" have a lascivious double meaning as well? What else have I been missing out on? Jeesh, and I thought I was pretty adept at catching the double entendres.

Anyway, RIP Mr. Miyagi:

::: posted by dan at 8:13 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, November 24, 2005 :::

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Holy crap, it's a Thanksgiving deja-vu miracle! Last year I commented about my family's Thanksgiving Day traditions of low-class dining and rented-footwear sportsmanship. So after today's festivities, I went back into my archives to compare bowling scores, and although I didn't realize it at the time, the similarities between this year and last are downright eerie:

- Same Bowling Alley/Restaurant
- Same Sutter Home White Zin
- Same Make-Shift Bluecheese Burger
- Same Relishing in the Senior Discount
- Same Madam Von Bighair:

(And again, if you're out there, Madam Von Bighair, there is truly no offense implied. In fact, it's a pleasure to see you there year after year. Just like some people find solace in green bean casserole on Thanksgiving, I find comfort in your impossibly high coiffure.)

- And last but not least, same exact high bowling score by dan:

That's right! 144, bitches!

Next year I might shake things up by substituting a baked potato for the fries.

::: posted by dan at 7:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Turkey Trot

Today I got up at 7am to run 3-point-whatever miles in below-zero-windchill temperatures through the streets of downtown Minneapolis along with my friends and 7,000 other crazy people. It's affectionately called the Turkey Trot. Your reward is a banana at the finish line.

I thought I would be able to keep up with Stacy but she quickly left me in the dust. I finished the race about a minute behind her, and she finished the race in approximately 26 minutes:

For some reason, they gave us all the same racing numbers, which defeated their purpose. It was cold as hell, which I guess you should expect at the end of November in Minnesota:

And it was early. And we had all been up late drinking the night before because we are not very good at proper training or taking things seriously:

And Bert and Ernie were there:

I think it's pretty telling that in Minneapolis we get Sesame Street characters as mascots, but at the NYC Marathon, they get Giant Testicles.

Giant, hairy, happy running testicles. [thanks monkeyface]

::: posted by dan at 7:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, November 21, 2005 :::

Rampant zombie consumerism!

Where to find the bestest shopping deals this coming Friday:

Black Friday, 2005: The Book of Shadows

So, if you want to spend a day rubbing ass to gut with god knows who and seeing WAY more stirrup-pant/T-shirt combo outfits than you ever thought possible, then going to Wal-Mart on Black Friday Morning may just be the adventure you've been looking for. Plus, you could score a non-brand-name DVD player for, like, thirty bucks.

Personally, I can't think of anything that looks less fun than this (except perhaps having my eyeball eaten out by ants):

Wait, that last one is from the Katrina aftermath. And one of them might be from the Parisian riots. But still, I'm staying home that day. Better safe than sorry.

::: posted by dan at 11:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Fountain Soda Faux-Pas

I had lunch today with an old co-worker. Last time I saw him, he was hardcore exercising and dieting in preparation for his upcoming wedding. We talked at length about calorie counting, a practice I routinely denounce because calories taste so damned good. So at the restaurant today, while waiting in line at the self-serve fountain-soda station, I thought he was standing behind me, and when I saw him approaching the Cherry Coke spigot with an extra-jumbo soda cup, I decided to be (not-so) funny and exclaim "Woah there! That ain't diet!"

But of course it wasn't my old coworker. It was some understandably offended stranger who gave me the stink-eye and then quickly shuffled off before I could explain my confusion. Luckily, he wasn't that out of shape, but whoever he was, I hope he's not overly sensitive. If he is, then I probably totally ruined his Thanksgiving dinner. Because when a random stranger implies that you should be counting your calories, some people might consider that a wake-up call.

::: posted by dan at 11:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Climb Every Mountain

This is all inspirational and shit.

Someone needs to make a Successories poster of this, stat.

::: posted by dan at 6:15 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, November 20, 2005 :::


J-Balls' wedding reception was this weekend.

If you liquor-up dan and put him in a suit he gets kissy kissy.

And hoppy hoppy.

And he invades everyone's personal space.

I knew the bride when she used to let me rub my face on her face.
Oh wait, she still does.

Anyway, congrats J-Balls.

::: posted by dan at 9:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sometimes extra ugly = cutesy wootsy.

This little guy is equal parts ugly, creepy, and cute. Something about his human-like hands makes me queasy, and his male-pattern baldness reminds me of Wallace Shawn.


There are more pictures. Apparently his mama is a little over-doting when it comes to his grooming.

::: posted by dan at 9:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


That just ain't right.

I don't know what creepy erectile dysfunction spamming list I've been listed on or how they got my email address, but I found this in my inbox last week. What's underneath the planetdan-imposed censorship bars is rather graphic. I really don't understand the marketing demographic they are trying to appeal to here. Perhaps the impotent-pedophile-animation-fan target market is larger than I think.

::: posted by dan at 8:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, November 16, 2005 :::

The Truffle Shuffle

I'm only posting this image to cleanse my blog palate from that last post about the ants and the eyeball.

::: posted by dan at 12:39 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


The worst news story ever.

I've never read anything so horrible in my entire life.

Speaking of ants, I ate an entire bowlful once. For serious. It was a decade ago, and I was living in my parents house. I was eating my morning breakfast and with every single mouthful I would think to myself, "these peanut butter puffs taste funky," but I was too preoccupied with reading the newspaper to actually look down and investigate. Finally, after the final bite, my eyes glanced downward to see some foreign-looking floaters in my leftover milk. Then I looked over at the box of opened cereal, still on the kitchen table, and saw thousands of tiny grease ants swarming out of the box. I've honestly blacked-out the next few moments that would recall my subsequent reaction. I don't believe there was vomiting, but I do remember swallowing enough Listerine to consider a phone call to poison control. But now I can look back at that horrifying day and think: at least they didn't eat my eyeball.

::: posted by dan at 12:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, November 15, 2005 :::

Cleaning out my camera phone.

I was cleaning out my camera phone recently to prepare for the arrival of my new communication device. My place of employment is donating our old phones to battered women's shelters. A noble cause indeed, but the thought of battered women sifting through my old photos creeped me out a bit, so I forwarded them all to my home email and erased the phone memory. I was thinking about replacing them with something that a battered woman might enjoy, but honestly I just couldn't put myself in their headspace. Anyway, going through those pics was like a walk down memory lane:

Um, no comment.
Um, no comment.
Um, no comment.
Um, no comment.
Har Mar Superstar Live!
Um, no comment.

Good times.

::: posted by dan at 11:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Return of the GG posts.

I was consciously trying to avoid Gilmore Girls posts, just because my obsession has already been over-documented, but out of all the Halloween costumes I saw online this year, my favorite might be the Rory:

I wish I knew this guy.

As for tonight's episode, it was top notch, except I'm going to claim amnesia if anyone ever mentions the introduction of Luke's surprise 12-year-old daughter, otherwise regretful thoughts of jumped sharks and such might thrust me into a major funk. It all just smacks a little too much of cousin Oliver (or the red-headed southern-fried step-son on Diff'rent Strokes, says Brent). I'm just crossing my fingers that was an extended dream sequence and that Luke will wake up sweaty and startled in next week's opener.

::: posted by dan at 11:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, November 14, 2005 :::

Disney Riot

Brookdale was the mall of my adolescence. It has since gone a little downhill, but in its heyday it was... still kinda crappy. I was in the area visiting my parents so it took the promise of a Marshall Fields 13-Hour Sale to get me to step foot inside again. As I was hunting for an eye-pleasing tie and dress-shirt combo for an upcoming formal event, I heard a ruckus in the mall atrium. Turns out Radio Disney was hosting an event at the mall for what seemed like a brazillion children, ages 5 to 15. I stood and watched the DJ as he labored through his MC duties, trying to mask his own self-pity. He attempted to give away prizes in a half-baked trivia session that went something like this:

DJ: We give away prizes everyday on Radio Disney! Who knows what you need to know to win a prize?
Child 1: The Answer!
DJ: Yes, but that's not the answer I'm looking for. We ask for something specific...
Child 2: The Question!
DJ: No... we say it all day long!
Child 3: A Guess!
DJ: A Guess? No...
Child 4: A Song!
DJ: Yes we play songs all day long, but that's not the answer I'm looking for...
Child 5: Music!

This went on for ten minutes. The DJ eventually gave up and announced that the next musical act would be some cheezy band I'd never heard of called B5. A million little girl screams erupted in unison and I thought, "I'm outta here." I'm kinda sorry that I trusted my instincts, because apparently five minutes after I left, things got interesting:

Boy Band Causes Chaos At Suburban Mall

What my hyperbolic local news referred to as a "Mall Riot" has since been downgraded in the national news to a "Girl Frenzy". Kinda like when a Hurricane is cruelly downgraded to Tropical Depression. Either way, it would have been exhilarating to witness. Oh well. Next time. There's always the video.

I think "Girl Frenzy" would make a better boy-band name than B5.

::: posted by dan at 12:22 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, November 12, 2005 :::

Liquid Cereal - Serious Effing Nay

When email was getting ubiquitous in the late nineties and all those stupid viral email rumors were spreading and people actually believed that they could get a dollar from Bill Gates every time they forwarded an email, I decided to start my own rumor to see if it would catch on. I decided to spread the rumor that they were developing Peanut Butter Coke that would be test marketed in Twin Cities grocery stores. Seemed believable enough, but I only knew about five people, so disseminating the rumor proved difficult and it died a fast death. Anyway, today I saw this and nearly barfed:

It's close enough to Peanut Butter Coke, I think, and even more disgusting in concept. You can read reviews of the stuff here, like this one:

With a slight thickness to its body, this product also feels somewhat like cereal in your mouth. The greenish color is probably our biggest issue with this product as green colored milk is typically a sign of some sort of problem.

I'll say there is some sort of problem here. Grody.

::: posted by dan at 10:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, November 10, 2005 :::

Honestly, though, Saw 1 sucked.

This site is pissed off that the marketing team behind this fall's must-see horror event didn't have the foresight to take advantage of a unique situation, so they made their own poster:

It doesn't take much to please dan. Actually, the entire Serious Danger site is very entertaining. I especially liked this post as well as the beautiful simplicity of this love poem:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
One of you I'm about to totally go to school on.

::: posted by dan at 10:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button



I wouldn't say I have a phobia of big primary-colored plastic toddler toys, but I can definitely say that you won't ever actually catch me touching one and that I fear they harbor obscene amounts of festering bacteria. I'm not a germaphobe or anything, but seriously, check out the nasty smudge marks in that "Before" picture.

Pimped Out:

Ahhh, much better. Makes me breathe a sigh of relief. If you can't see the grubby kid smudges, then they don't exist.

See it bigger and better here.

[FP. I have no idea where this originated. If someone wants to take credit, please do cuz it's real nice work.]

::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Blue Balls Yay!

I could watch this all day. And the accompanying sound track makes me even happier.

Blue Balls, Yay!

[via grow-a-brain]

::: posted by dan at 10:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, November 09, 2005 :::

Cooter Charged

Hmm. This one hit a little too close to home:

Son charged in quadruple murder

Just an excerpt:
His brother-in-law... was attacked from behind and beaten to death in his family room as he worked on a computer... His sister was fatally bludgeoned in the foyer of her home.

Hours later, he allegedly returned to his parents' Naperville home and fatally shot them as they slept... each died of bullet wounds to the head.

Dude's been at my house. I even have a picture of his backside (nsfw).

::: posted by dan at 11:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (28) comments Social Bookmark Button


For the sci-fi nerds, wrestler-turned-actor fans, and anti-republicans.

Found online. If you understand this reference, please please please don't quote that "I'm all out of bubblegum" line. Please.


If you don't understand it, start here.

::: posted by dan at 12:21 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, November 07, 2005 :::

Gutter Mind

My mom is the queen of the unintentional sexual entendre. I never call attention to it, though, in fear she won't understand and force me to explain, so I have to internalize the juvenile chuckling. I've started keeping a list. Here are a few of my favorites:

"I don't care what kind of action I'm getting, just as long as I'm getting some action."
This was in regards to the quality and voracity of her electronic toothbrush.

"With any luck, he'll rub off on you."
This one was funny because it had no context. It was a random non-sequitur. Yeah, keep your fingers crossed, ma. Dirty.

"Do you have a broom? Because I want to fill your cracks and holes."
I shouldn't mock her. She was simply offering to sweep sand in between some bricks to ensure the integrity of my patio.

It seems her awkward utterances are pretty constant. Or maybe I just got a gutter mind and can make anything seem dirty. I dunno. Of course, I'm guilty of the unintentional entendre myself. For instance, the other day I was craving one of K-Mack's famous hotdog-wrapped-in-a-Pillsbury-crescent-role conconctions, but she seemed reticent to bake them for me, so I became impatient and said "C'mon, just crack open that tube and stick a wiener in it."

Forget it. I guess my emotional development is stunted at the Junior High level.

::: posted by dan at 6:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments Social Bookmark Button


Least Reputable Charities

From McSweeneys. The sad thing is that they screwed up the really nerdy l33t speak joke and so I had to fix it, because I am the biggest computer nerd ever. (They had "l77t" instead of "l33t", or even the uber-nerdy "1337", as if I expect anyone to have any idea what I'm talking about). Speaking of l33t speak, this Jeopardy dude was king of the internet nerds. Anyway, I thought this was funny in spite of their obvious error:

Least Reputable Charities

Doctors Without Credentials

Habitat for Sean Hannity

Red Cross—Undisclosed Location in the Cayman Islands Division

United l33t d00d College Fund

Feed the Children (to Other Children)


::: posted by dan at 5:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, November 06, 2005 :::

Why animals are better/smarter than dan.

I can barely stay upright on a trampoline. This goat has more natural balance than dan:

[If you want, you can read about why a boy is jumping on a trampoline with a goat.]

Unlike dan, this dancing goat would probably never punch his fist into the air during a Guns n' Roses song no matter how much he drank:

[Sadly, I don't know the origin of this photo.]

Dan can't water-ski and is afraid to try:

[This cat actually has a better physique than dan, too.]

Unlike this kangaroo, dan would probably lose in any fight, and has no idea how to throw a punch:

[Dan isn't afraid of getting his picture taken, tho.]

::: posted by dan at 11:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Regretting The Dan Sandwich

What started out as a simple company-wide training-session/happy-hour on how to use our new Blackberry cell phones ended with me at a downtown club, over-imbibed, drenched in sweat, dancing to Guns n' Roses Welcome to the Jungle with one of my project managers.

A lot of the evening is hazy, but my most vivid memory involves me on the dance floor, thrusting my fist skyward (to the beat of course), and repeatedly yelling "punch it, punch it, punch it!" with every forceful thrust.

Even worse, my rowdy friends were also in attendance. So by the end of the evening, my pal T-Bone had licked my boss' shaved head, thrown up in the alley, and forcefully invented something called a "Dan Sandwich" which is basically just a very awkward group hug with Dan in the middle.

All walls between professional and private life are hereby demolished.

::: posted by dan at 10:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, November 04, 2005 :::

Songs and stuffs.

I put new songs in my jukebox. Mostly for my own selfish benefit. I needed new tunes for the weekend. I will miss The Owls, but it was time for something new.

And yeah, I put a Marilyn Manson song in there. I don't care what anybody says, his alien glam rock Mechanical Animals phase was awesome. On the other hand, his urine drinking Antichrist Superstar stuff is way less interesting to me. And you might think that the new Radiohead song sounds just like another funeral dirge, but the ending kills me every time. So pretty.

Also, I really recommend the new Metric and Ladytron CDs. Thems good bands. And although I put a Super Furry Animals and an OK Go song on there, I don't really recommend the full CDs. They are both kind of meh.

::: posted by dan at 1:17 AM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, November 02, 2005 :::

Pop goes the weasel.

When we were in grade school, K-Mack had a rabbit hutch in her backyard. Separated in the rabbit hutch were two of the biggest male rabbits I'd ever seen, which K-Mack's brother had caught in a neighborhood arboretum. Strategically placed under the hutch was a sled that was overflowing with all of the rabbit poop that would sift through the hutch's chicken-wire flooring. And when you let the poor things out to play, they just humped anything and everything in sight, mostly each other.

In spite of all the poop, humping bunnies can be cute, I guess.

K-Mack gets embarrassed when I tell that story. I think she worries that people think she was mistreating animals by forcing two helpless bunnies to live hovering mere inches above a mountain of their own waste.

She also gets embarrassed when I tell people that she has had sex dreams about Elvin from the Cosby Show:

::: posted by dan at 5:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


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