Friday, November 28, 2008 :::
Today marks the official first day of the Christmas season which means I can finally listen to some holiday music - even some obnxious holiday music - and I've already made my special 2008 Xmas mix:
1. Jingle Bells - The Puppini Sisters
2. I Got Coal - Deathray Davies
3. Sleigh Ride - Andy Williams
4. I’ll Be Home for Christmas - Holly Conlan
5. All That I Want - The Weepies
6. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Ella Fitzgerald
7. Away in a Manger - Shawn Lee‘s Ping Pong Orchestra
8. Mele Kilikimaka - Luke
9. Winter Song - Sara Barielles & Ingrid Michaelson
10. O Come, O Come Emmanuel - Sixpence None the Richer
11. Un Flambeau, Jeanette, Isabelle - Loreena McKennitt
12. Winter Wonderland - Dean Martin
13. Carol of the Bells - The Bird and the Bee
14. The Little Match Seller - The Puppini Sisters
15. Donde Esta Santa Claus? - Guster
16. Linus and Lucy - Bela Fleck and the Flecktones
17. Rudy - The Be Good Tanyas
18. Holy, Holy, Holy - Sufjan Stevens
19. Winter Wonderland - Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass
20. Christmas Alphabet - The McGuire Sisters
21. Do You Hear What I Hear - Shawn Lee’s Ping Pong Orchestra
22. Bizarre Christmas Incident - Ben Folds
23. Themes from Christmas - This Story
24. Auld Lang Syne - Mairi Campbell & Dave Francis
25. My Dear Acquaintance (A Happy New Year) - Regina Spektor
And if you send me a very nice email I might let you in on where you can get all of these fine tunes.
::: posted by dan at 8:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Thursday, November 27, 2008 :::
Because it's more appropriate being posted today, I'm rescheduling Animated Friday to show something Thanksgiving Day related:
I'd be pissed off too, if I'd seen planetdan's last post.
Bonus GIF: Monkey Attacks: One Dollar
::: posted by dan at 11:46 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Wednesday, November 26, 2008 :::
I was driving down the freeway the other day in the freezing cold and I saw a truck pass on my right with some detached tarps flapping up in the wind. Underneath those flapping tarps I could see hundreds of stacked cages stuffed tight with alive-yet-partially-frozen turkeys, all looking retarded and confused and miserably cold. It made me a little sick, and I'm usually not even that much of a bleeding heart when it comes to animal food.
Then I came across this graphic on the web which details the complicated machining process that brings said turkeys from the farm to your table this Thanksgiving holiday:
Click for Larger
Then on top of that, a very thoughtful coworker sent me this article about how eating ham can give you tapeworms. And worse yet, unhygienic people who eat undercooked ham can give you BRAINworms. Charming. And lovely. I'll sleep well tonight!
So I guess Ham is off the menu now, too.
It's a good thing that my family has Lasagna for Thanksgiving.
Sorry I had to share all that with you but it didn't seem fair that I had to endure all that hurl-worthy barfiness by myself. Now we can all suffer together, collectively. Just how Thanksgiving was meant to be. Happy Thanksgiving!
::: posted by dan at 12:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Friday, November 21, 2008 :::
Did you know that fountain soda is one of my all-time favorite things on the planet? It's miles ahead of canned soda, which itself is miles ahead of bottles soda. So even though this looks unfortunate, I bet it's not really all that unpleasant:
Stand Here for Free Fountain Soda!
Just like Oprah, I'm sharing my favorite things with you.
::: posted by dan at 12:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Thursday, November 20, 2008 :::
Stacy was randomly surfing Facebook the other day when she unexpectedly happened upon a familiar looking face: mine. Apparently she was looking at all the different "causes" of which you can become a member, and suddenly there I was, all dressed up like an Oompa Loompa and officially representing a "Save the Oompa Loompas" charity group:
Yeah, that's me. Apparently somebody snagged this old GIF I made of myself. But that's not the scariest part. I figured that someone just needed an image of an Oompa Loompa for that Facebook page, so they just did a Google Image Search. I did the same, just to test my theory, when I found this:
Oh. My. God.
You'll need to have the sound up to get properly hypnotized by Oompa dan. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my plan to be ubiquitous on the Web is working, but that really kinda creeps me out.
::: posted by dan at 6:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Sunday, November 16, 2008 :::
My friends and I went to the Science Museum for the second time in one year this weekend. This time is was to see CSI: The Experience, where we were charged with solving the murder of badly-wigged Penny Golden using only data we could collect from the crime scene:
I was pretty thorough in my investigation. I even examined the contents of her stomach. Spoiler Alert: her last meal was rice.
After solving the crime with relative ease and earning the respect of Detective Grissom himself, we explored the rest of the Science Museum, and discovered that you never get too old to appreciate the innate, enduring hilarity of the word "poop", no matter the context.
Apparently E.Coli looks like glazed wieners. You learn something new everyday.
::: posted by dan at 6:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Friday, November 14, 2008 :::
I don't like nature because animals and things are mostly unpredictable. The only thing really predictable about them is that they all secretly want to disembowel you. Or at least, that's my theory. But I guess animals attack for many reasons, such as:
When you trespass on their territory...
When you mess with them...
Or when they want to mess with you.
::: posted by dan at 6:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
I had an allergic reaction to my Taco Bell last night. We're talking swollen lips, inflamed esophagus, itchy hives, the whole works. I took an antihistamine before my airway closed up or anything like that, but it was quite an uncomfortable ordeal. Why does everything I love have to turn against me??
But seriously, do I have to wear a medical alert bracelet now or something?
Goodbye 7-Layer Burrito. I hardly knew thee.
Okay, that's a lie. I've known you pretty well over the years.
Very well, actually. Maybe a little too well.
::: posted by dan at 8:08 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 :::
I went into a public restroom yesterday and I was glad to find it completely empty, except for a single worker who was changing out roles of toilet paper. I was at the urinal when from within a nearby stall I heard the janitor say:
"So how long do you think this ca-ca weather is going to last?"
I knew he was talking to me because the restroom was otherwise empty and because I had accidentally made awkward eye contact with him on the way in. I stood there for a minute debating whether I should just pretend I didn't hear him or if I should be polite and reply. After an extended silence, I replied from my urinal:
"Oh I don't know, I didn't watch the news this morning."
"Neither did I," he replied. I decided that this was a proper end to the conversation and that I had held up my end of the deal. But after another couple seconds of silence he continued:
"I meant to."
Again I didn't reply. This time the following silence was bit longer, but again, he eventually continued with a sigh:
"But it just didn't turn out that way."
But I could tell by the proximity of his voice that he was now standing directly behind me.
I wasn't getting the feeling he was coming on to me or anything like that. But I had the sneaking suspicion that his job probably didn't afford him the opportunity to have conversations with other humans on a regular basis, and that maybe he was a little socially awkward. But that realization didn't make the situation any more comfortable. Thankfully, I was done with my business so I zipped up, scooted around him, and went to wash up.
He followed me to the sinks.
"I got an interesting piece of mail the other day," he said looking at me in the mirror. "It was from some sort of secret society."
"Oh wow," I offered up, lathering my hands as quickly as possible.
"It came registered mail. They want me to join."
"That's cool," I said, drying my hands on my pants instead of taking any extra time to reach for a paper towel. I was beginning to think that perhaps he was a little mentally challenged to boot, even though you would never have suspected it from his speech or mannerisms. I quickly headed for the exit.
"They must know about my special talent," he said.
I stopped in my tracks for a spilt second, hand on the doorknob, momentarily torn between my desire to know what his special talent was and my desire to get the hell out of Dodge. I decided it was better not to know, nodded in his direction, and left the restroom. He followed me out into the store lobby.
"I'm thinking of hiring a lawyer and suing their asses," he added.
This brought up even more questions that I didn't need answers to. So I capped it off with "Oh well good luck with that!" and left the store.
When I pulled out of the parking lot he was standing outside the door, in the rain, watching me leave. If there had been ominous music playing on my car stereo, it would have been a scene right out of a bad horror movie. I could swear it even seemed to happen in slow motion. Let's hope his special talent isn't memorizing license plates.
I'm only posting this in case I disappear or turn up dead in the next couple weeks, you'll know where to start your investigation.
Thanks for listening.
::: posted by dan at 8:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments
Friday, November 07, 2008 :::
I don't ever want kids. For many different reasons. Most likely because I'm utterly selfish at heart. But also because I know I'm so clumsy that it would be risky to allow any kid within five feet of me. Kinda like these parents:
::: posted by dan at 5:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, November 05, 2008 :::
Well last night certainly was exciting! It was a once-in-a-lifetime historical experience that we witnessed and will be talking about for years to come. Someday we will all be sitting around reminiscing about where we were and who we were with when it happened. I'm talking, of course, about when CNN unveiled its new Virtual View "Via Hologram" remote interview technique:
There I was, minding my own democratic business watching those blue state numbers pile up, when suddenly Wolf Blitzer beamed a distant correspondent into his studio for an interview. She even faded-in with an electronic poof, like Spock on Star Trek. Seriously, see it for yourself here:
The truth, or course, is that it was hardly a hologram at all. They simply used synced-up motion control cameras at two different locations to create the illusion. So Wolf was actually staring at nothing. Via Hologram, indeed.
In other exciting CNN news... man discovers a mouse in his buns!
::: posted by dan at 8:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Sunday, November 02, 2008 :::
There was a time a few years back when I put a lot of effort into my Halloween costumes. But the era of crazy costume parties has ended, and so this year I spent Halloween evening eating spaghetti with friends and playing "spooky" games, which basically means Yahtzee by candlelight, which is more my speed these days.
But I was thinking about how all those old costumes were just rotting in storage, completely disregarded after all the time and money I spent perfecting them. So I figured I may as well wear one to my friend's house for spaghetti and spooky games. I decided upon my Prince outfit (sorry, to avoid copyright infringement it's actually called a "Purple Reign Rocker" costume), because it's comfortable like pajamas but still flashy enough to make a statement, only this time without the hassle of the accompanying wig or face makeup.
The problem is that I had to make a couple of stops on the way to my friend's house, and for some reason it was even more embarrassing to be out in public dressed as Prince without the accompanying wig and makeup, because A) I had nothing to hide behind, and because B) without the wig and makeup I was basically just some dude in a creepy faux-velvet jumpsuit with lacy accents.
The line at the liquor store was longer than expected and I was getting a lot of strange looks. When I finally got up to the register, the older humorless cashier inquired "So what are you supposed to be?" I quietly said "Prince" and handed him my debit card. He looked confused and said "Aren't you missing something? Like hair and makeup?" So deciding to diffuse the situation with a lame joke I said "Oh no, I'm Prince William." He slowly looked me up and down and without cracking a smile he simply replied "Oh" and handed me my receipt.
Then at the grocery store, I noticed a family in the produce aisle. The dad and the kid were not dressed up but the mom was in full Cinderella regalia. She was really getting into the part, too, flittering around, making grand gestures and speaking in a creepy high voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her notice me in my purple ensemble and a regrettable amount of eye-contact was made. She must have thought we had some sort of unspoken kinship being that we were both dressed up, but she was mistaken because I am not at all a fan of Disney Princesses or people who dress up like them. Plus her voice was really creeping me out.
When she got close she did a weird royal gesture with her arm and squeaked "Hellllooooo!" But people were starting to stare and my wig was at home and I didn't feel comfortable enough to return her enthusiasm, so I said "Sorry, wrong kind of prince." She didn't get the joke and the awkwardness multiplied exponentially.
Note to self: always wear the wig or leave the purple jumpsuit at home.
::: posted by dan at 8:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
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