Monday, August 31, 2009 :::
Due to circumstances outside of my control, I found myself eating lunch at Subway today. Upon pouring my bag of Lays out onto my unfolded paper sandwich wrap, I noticed a higher density of green potato chips than usual. Just the other day, my friend Stacy told me that green potato chips were poisonous, which I immediately dismissed as being a ridiculous urban myth. If that were indeed the case, how could Big Potato ever justify letting little bites of poison slip into so their bags? Wouldn't there have been a class action lawsuit by now? It didn't seem reasonable. So I ate them all up anyway, as a way of voicing my silent disapproval of outrageous hearsay. They didn't taste good at all, but I felt like I was taking a stand for something I believed in.
But then I got nervous and the self-doubt kicked in (late as usual), and after a visit with my good friends Snopes and Google I found out I was wrong and Stacy was right. Those things are mad deadly.
The chemical processes and specific details attributing to the poisonous nature of these deathchips isn't exactly interesting, and it turns out you'd have to eat over four pounds of the nasty little things to die, but a few sources online stated that even a couple could give you a tummy ache.
So I sit here, belly aching, pondering my death by green Lay. Although my stomach discomfort could just as easily be attributed to my BMT on White. Still, if I don't wake up tomorrow morning, have the forensic investigators raid the Subway near Southtown to find the real culprit. But at least I was able to pass this knowledge along to those that I care about.
::: posted by dan at 6:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Friday, August 28, 2009 :::
You gotta love it when an attempt at showing off ends in epic fail.
This is what happens when you show off for your classmates.
This is what happens when you show off for your dancemates.
This is what happens when you show off for your prospective mates.
Not that I'm judging. It happens to the best of us. For instance, I like to believe that I can run a 5k without stopping. I put on a strong face and a good front, but it's always a battle to not vomit at the finish line. One of these days I'm going to regret I ever tempted fate by posting these GIFs - probably on September 12th at the finish line of the James Page Blubber Run.
::: posted by dan at 8:45 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Thursday, August 27, 2009 :::
You can't tell me this is a coincidence:
So are you telling me that a mere three weeks from my seventh blogiversary, and with my 1,500th blog post in the very foreseeable future, Tropical Storm Danny just happens to come raging in? Like I said before, it's all coming together at once! A convergence of monumental events! A universal (or at least planetary) celebration of dan! As if coordinated by the gods themselves and the heavens above!
And it's about effing time. Unless of course this turns into one of those deadly disaster Katrina type of events, then I would like no association with the cyclone whatsoever, thank you, and you may disregard this post.
But until that happens, danny is literally going to rock you like a hurricane!
Batten down the hatches, bitches!
::: posted by dan at 12:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 :::
Today is the day that they crown the new Princess Kay of the Milky Way. The Midwest Dairy Association's website states that the crowned princess acts as a "goodwill ambassador for the dairy industry and the state's dairy farmers," which means they don't have to do anything at all, and in exchange for this burden they get to have their face carved out of butter and displayed at the Minnesota State Fair.
Unfortunately, I'm am not in the running to be crowned Princess Kay. Their website clearly states that in order to be considered for the position, one must be:
1. Female (Sexist!)
2. A graduating senior in high school when crowned (Ageist!)
3. Not yet 24 years old (Odd, especially considering requirement #2)
4. Not yet married (Creepy, especially considering requirement #2)
5. Committed to dairy promotion (I ain't discreet about my love for cheese, so I guess 1 out of 5 ain't bad)
What all this means, of course, is that there is little hope I will ever get to have my face carved in butter and displayed at the state fair. But that won't stop me from dreaming. Or photoshopping.
Stay strong, people. Someday we will live in a world where planetdan - or anyone else with a dream and a milk moustache - can be butter princess. Mark my words.
Change is coming.
::: posted by dan at 7:16 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Monday, August 24, 2009 :::
Late one night some years ago, C-Minus and I were idly channel-surfing when we happened across a show called Bait Car on Tru TV. The premise sounded a tad trashy (cops leave an unlocked, camera-rigged car in the middle of a bad neighborhood and wait for the bad seeds to arrive), and it didn't fail to deliver. We watched in wide-eyed shock and got all worked up about the state of society today as the would-be thieves got what they deserved: THE SMACK DOWN.
Stumbling upon Bait Car on TV that night was an event we've talked about ever since, and yet for some reason the show never seemed to air again. We searched for it in TV schedules and tried to find it on Tivo, but it seemed to have mysteriously vanished from television altogether. We started to doubt its very existence, that perhaps we had made it up in some wine-fueled subconscious desire to find something worthwhile to obsess about. It felt like a terrible loss to realize we might never see it again.
For reasons that I can't fathom, it took us quite a while to realize we could probably just google it. And google it we did last week - just in time to learn that NEW EPISODES OF BAIT CAR BEGIN TONIGHT ON TRU TV (8pm ET/PT, 7pm CST)! This discovery was clearly written in the stars. BAIT CAR KISMET.
So I think you should watch it so that it never gets taken off the air again. Our favorite segment was this one, where some children protest as their trashy mom forces them into a "free" ride home:
Relatedly: the other day I saw this empty car at the local Walgreen's parked all akimbo across multiple spots with its window open and radio blaring. I took a picture of it because I figured it was either a) a bait car, or b) the rudest handicapped jackass on the planet. Either way, it was noteworthy.
::: posted by dan at 7:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Friday, August 21, 2009 :::
Being a kid is hard.
The smallest tasks seem difficult.
Everything is out to get you.
And dexteruos coordination is a constant battle:
I know that last one isn't animated, but that's what makes it even more awesomer.
::: posted by dan at 12:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 :::
I've been trying to work out more at the gym. My new routine is to go over the lunch hour because I figure it will have the added benefit of reducing any time I might have to shovel food into my mouth. It sucks just as much as it ever did.
Apparently I am on the same workout schedule as one of the local paranoid schizophrenics. I'm not trying to make fun of the psychotically challenged; I seriously think there is something wrong with this particular woman. For example, she'll be chugging along on the treadmill and then suddenly start yelling vulgarities and such at no one in particular. Not in a Tourette's Syndrome kind of way, though, as there seems to be some purpose to her lunacy. It's more like:
"M*therf@cker$ mess with me and I show them who's boss! I'm running the godd@mn show now! All you people talking sh!t. Don't think I can't hear you f#cker$! These people know what I'm talking about!"
Her solitary screaming match generally clears out all the exercise machines that surround her, and her rants occasionally feature stories about strange men breaking into her apartment to steal her secrets, or upcoming court battles she is confident will go in her favor. It's super loud and it's all the time. I suppose it's sad, but at least she's fit as a fiddle.
I try to time my workouts so that we don't encounter each other at specific weight machines, because I've seen her trap unsuspecting people into creepy conversations about the men who have been regularly invading her home. Plus, with the recent health club shootings, I've been trying to keep an eye out for the off-kiltered.
The good news is that it's fairly easy to avoid her because she makes a startling cough/bark sound on a regular basis, like she's trying to scare away bears or something. It's so loud that you can easily pinpoint her position in the gym at any given time. It's like a homing beacon.
But the other day I was at the end of a particularly sweaty workout and I was heading toward the water fountain when I heard that familiar cough/bark sound, only this time is was directly behind me, as if it were meant especially for my ear. I stopped dead in my tracks. Then I felt something swipe the back of my head and brush against my neck. I got goosebumps and spun around, wide-eyed, expecting the worst.
There she stood, eerily expressionless, looking me directly in the eye, holding half of a sweat-soaked paper towel up to my face. There was a tense moment of awkward silence until she suddenly blurted:
"You had paper on your neck."
Then she bolted away. It took me a minute to realize what had happened. About ten minutes before this incident I had pillowed my excessively-sweaty head onto a wad of paper towels while using a weight bench, so as to avoid leaving a big dripping puddle behind. When I got up, the majority of it must have remained attached to my wet scalp, almost like Paper Mache. And apparently Crazy Lady was the only one who was kind enough to notify me. She even had the guts to remove that saturated, sweaty garbage heap from my noggin with her bare hands.
Suddenly I realized I was the crazy dood walking around with a paper towel matted to the back of his head. And she was the crazy lady walking around barking and swearing at nobody. And any other gym members who might have witnessed the encounter must have thought we were M.F.E.O.
In an attempt to rebuild my damaged reputation, I'm going to start bringing my own workout towel to the gym from now on. So I guess you live and you learn. Oh, and just in case there actually are men breaking into her apartment every night to steal her secrets: she's onto you. And she's fearless.
::: posted by dan at 6:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Monday, August 17, 2009 :::
So in exactly one month from today, my blog turns seven. Celebrating the birthday for a blog sounds about as cool as Tweeting from the mall, but I've also noticed that I am only 18 posts away from my 1,500th post. The metaphysical significance of this convergence of milestones is not lost on me, and I plan on making the most of it. I want my 1,500th post to coincide with the exact time and date of my 7th anniversary. The gravity created by the combining of these two significant achievements with be palpable. It will be just like 2012, when the Mayan calendar ends and all the planets align to destroy the earth. It will be that monumental.
Of course, it also means I have to post with a little more regularity in order to make this deadline. I've been a tad lax of late when it comes to posting, but it's time to turn up the heat. I've got 18 posts to make in 30 days, including this post. It's all so very Julie & Julia, only way lazier, but I think I can do it. The quality of posts might have to take a temporary dip, but if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes. At this point, it very well may be quantity over quality.
AND WE'RE OFF!
::: posted by dan at 9:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Monday, August 03, 2009 :::
This weekend C-Minus and I attended the anniversary/triumphant-return of the St. Al's Fun Fair.
The Fun Fair was a yearly church festival that we anticipated for months in advance. We would save up our allowance all summer long, just to have a little extra spending cash for the Duck Pond. Relatives would come from all over the cities to get drunk on 3.2 beer and party like you can only party on church grounds. Apparently the partying got too hard quite a few years back because they cancelled the thing before C-Minus or I were ever even able to experience it while intoxicated.
It was also where The Miller Five got their big break.
Little danny, pictured as part of the St. Al's Class of '89.
Something is different these days, though. Even with the help of bad tap beer, I couldn't curb my own sense of disappointment. There was no cotton candy, no shelves full of cheap stuffed-animal prizes, no carnival rides or creepy carnies, no dunk tank, no Miller Five, no drunken debauchery. But to be realistic, I suppose I've changed more than the Fun Fair itself, and my memories of the past are probably enhanced through rose-colored glasses, but still... it sucks to grow up. Even with beer.
But C-Minus and I can have a good time anywhere, so this was no exception. We had a blast, indeed, and leave it to us to turn something sweet into something perverse... such as this clown, who seems to be demonstrating the proper technique for self-detecting testicular cancer.
Of course, his disposition changed after he saw he had a female audience:
Oh man, I'm going to hell for that one. :(
Catholics sure know how to party when permitted, though. You can bet I'll be in attendance next year. And maybe C-Minus will wear something extra special for Mr. Floppy.
::: posted by dan at 6:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
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