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Tuesday, July 27, 2004 :::

Mattel's Dirty Little Secret

I remember hearing about this little cultural faux-pas a couple years ago, but I couldn't imagine it to be true, seeing as how countless people must've approved its production. But today, worldofwonder.net had a link to an actual picture of the infamous Oreo Barbie, so I can deny it no longer. Seeing is believing I guess. I also researched the history of it to make sure it wasn't a hoax. It has since been recalled, of course, and fetches a pretty penny on eBay. Wow, that must've been the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. Click on the pic for a larger version.


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Every fanboy's fantasy come true.

This is not the Deathstar:



It is a real life picture of the Saturn moon of Mimas. And that is apparently a crater, not a deathray. Unless George Lucas knows something we don't.

Science nerds can read all about it.


::: posted by dan at 9:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

My sleeping brain thrives on pop-culture fodder.

So I had a dream last night that Joan Allen and I were bestest friends and we cried in each others arms because she confessed to me she had anorexia and was checking herself into a clinic. I remember that the minute she uttered the word anorexia, I accidently made akward eye-contact with Tracey Gold, who was apparently in the room at the time, and I felt bad for her because her career would always be overshadowed by her eating disorder.

I'm pretty sure this whole dream was a crazy amalgam of having just seen The Bourne Supremacy and the whole Mary-Kate Olsen frenzy, but it's amazing how the sleeping brain works. For instance, why did I dream that scenario instead of having nightmares about the ritualistic teeth-filing practices I watched on National Geographic's Culture Shock just before bedtime?

Update: While creating the link above to Tracey Gold's resume, I noticed this entry in her filmography: Growing Pains II: Home Equity (2004) (filming). Everybody set your Tivo.


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Monday, July 26, 2004 :::

Public Service Announcement

Virginia's got a new ad campaign to curb cradle robbing:



Don't go there? That sounds like something that would appeal more to teenaged girls than it would adult men. And the website's hot pink color scheme doesn't clarify anything either. I could be in marketing, too: "Talking to a hot 15-year-old? Talk to the hand!" or "Oh no you just didn't! She's only 16!" See?

Anyway, read all about the ad campaign at Salon. The most interesting part of the article is about how their initial marketing concepts for the ads had pictures of tarted-up teenagers trying to look sexy, which only served to prompt focus group discussions about whether or not they looked old enough to approach in a bar. Um, not exactly the results they were looking for.


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Unintentional Logo Perversion

While working, my friend happened across this logo for a client's restaurant. At first glance, I was uneasy about what the guy in the logo was doing with his left hand. "Whatever it is," I thought, "it's got him rather preoccupied." It is quite disconcerting.



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Sunday, July 25, 2004 :::

I hate you, inanimate object.

Although it's not the most cleverly written piece to ever grace the pages of McSweeney's, I can certainly empathize with the writer, as I've never understood the purpose of the insert key myself:

An Open Letter to My Computer's Insert Key

After a little research, I did find a way for Windows users to disable their insert key, but that still doesn't explain why it was ever created in the first place.


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Saturday, July 24, 2004 :::

And $20,000 later...

... I have a new front lawn. Hello home equity loan; goodbye disposable income. The railing still needs to be done and the garage face need to be fixed, but click for larger:







And click here to see the "before" shot.


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LJ's Baby

My friend LJ had a baby. Darned cute. Click on the images for larger:




::: posted by dan at 7:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Friday, July 23, 2004 :::

What we take for granted.

When I need to go to Target, I simply choose from any of the nearby locations: Sophista-Target in Edina, Targhetto on Lake Street, improperly laid-out bizarro Target in Bloomington, etc. But apparently in New York, where they were unfortunately Targetless, the opening of a new Target in Brooklyn can be quite a big deal. Even celebrities attend.



I seriously doubt Sandra Bernhardt bought those boots, but whatevah. See more pics and read all about it at Gawker.


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Thursday, July 22, 2004 :::

Tombstone Generator

Here is a fun little web application that helps you create your own tombstone, or the tombstone for anyone you want to imagine dead for that matter. Or maybe you have ulterior motives or need a subtle way to reveal deep-seeded resentments. I don't, but you might. This is just a little sumthin' I came up with quick:



Make your own.


::: posted by dan at 10:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Didja know? Didja wanna know?

According to Snopes, the youngest person to ever give birth? 5 YEARS OLD. Seriously. This is her and her doctor and her baby Gerardo:



I couldn't even bring myself to post the picture of her pregnant. That just wouldn't be right. But you should definitely go there anyway, if only to read her story.


::: posted by dan at 9:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Local Celebrity Gossip Scoop!

This is kind of like paparazzi gossip on the hometown tip, but at least I write with more coherence than the irrepressible (and incomprehensible) C.J., the Star Tribune's "gossip maven". Anywho, Ken Barlow and Tim NcNiff, of Channel 11 News fame, ran the short version of the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon last weekend, and I have it under good authority from a reliable witness that they both used the portable biffy john while barefoot, which is utterly revolting and far from sanitary. In your face, C.J.! So remind me never to lick either anchorman's toes. Unless'n they ask real nice-like.

I also found these pictures of them, mid-run:



Grrrr.


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Monday, July 19, 2004 :::

Barb, I thought this was a cookie!

I was peeking around the Found Magazine website, which collects randomly-found notes and allows you to make your own interpretations, and I saved a few of my favorites for you:







Read more at their site.


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Saturday, July 17, 2004 :::

She shall overcome.

I don't have the time or the interest in making a bad joke about decorating her jail cell or whatever because it's been done until it couldn't be done anymore, but I would like to quote Martha Stewart, on her own righteousness:

From CNN: I could do it, she said, according to excerpts released by ABC late Friday. Im a really good camper. I can sleep on the ground. There are many, many good people who have gone to prison. Look at Nelson Mandela.



::: posted by dan at 8:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Wonders of the animal kingdom, volume II

Today's lesson: why not to pee in lakes and rivers

Ammonia [found in urine] becomes like a signal to these candiru catfish that there's food out there. If you pee in the water and these little catfish are around, they can enter the human body... they probably get up to four or five inches long. They have very little nubbins for pectoral fin spines... and they're completely covered in mucus. They'll just worm their way right up there... they've been known to go in and actually chew their way into the testicles.



Read the article.



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Friday, July 16, 2004 :::

Wonders of the animal kingdom.

Today's lesson: camels are gross.




::: posted by dan at 5:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, July 14, 2004 :::

Celebrity Endorsements – A Coalition of the Willing

Newyorkish has an interesting round-up of celebrity Bush-supporters, whose collective public influence ranks somewhere below that of Phyllis Diller. Although, if I had Tony Danza on my side, I'd feel pretty confident, as well. Not too shabby!

It's a funny list, so you should read it, but don't feel bad for Bush, because he's got one A-list endorsement: ketchup. Seriously. See for yourself. I don't know about you, but I'm voting for mustard, which I'm sure anyone who knows me would have already guessed.


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The odds are 2 to 3 that I'll burn in hell.

There is a 67% chance that god exists, according to this dude's mathematical equation. I didn't major in math, so I can't check to make sure he carried the one.


::: posted by dan at 10:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

This I didn't know.

Did you know that Bush and Kerry are distant relatives? Am I way behind the news on this one? Politics creeps me out. It's sorta like how inbreeding makes dogs retarded.

Anyway, here is an article that explains how they are indeed 16th cousins, three times removed, and if all that mumbo jumbo makes your brain ouchy, here is a simple to follow chart, which traces their geneology back to around the time that their forefathers were burning witches.


::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

The Birth of Shame



I came across the picture on the internet today, and it's funny for many reasons: the ice cream tummy, the tighty whities, the mullet, the towel he brought to spare his feet from the hot pavement and to aid in the immediate consumption of said ice cream, etc. But mostly I had to post this picture because it reminded me of another embarrassing childhood incident: the day I discovered the shame of public nudity.

I was probably like six or something, it was the middle of summer, and my brother's friend – who lived four doors down – had an above ground swimming pool. I was a wee-bit over-excited and eager to go for a dip, so for some reason, and I'm assuming without my mother's approval, I decided that it would be simpler to just wear my tighty-whities on the half-block journey to my neighbor's house, and to simply carry my change of clothes, my swimsuit, my towel, my shoes, and two already-inflated pool toys. Putting on the swimsuit could wait – I had to get to that pool. So in just my briefs – and with pool attire piled up in my arms to above my head – I began the walk. Halfway to my destination, a group of rowdy teens pulled up in their car, and one of them said "Hey kid, you want this hat?" and it was a pretty nice hat. So I said "Sure," and tried to waddle my way over to his car window where he was holding the bait. Of course, I lost control of my payload and dropped everything I was carrying, leaving me standing in nothing but my tighty-whities. That's when all of the teens laughed, pointed, and sped off, literally leaving me in a dust cloud of half-naked, hatless shame. Jerks. Although I can imagine it was funnny from their point of view.

Anyway, that was the day that I discovered that people would mock you if you wore just your underwear in public. Bye-bye sweet childhood innocence. But at least I didn't have a mullet. For another ten years, anyway.


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Soon to be all over the web...

Thought I would post this before you see it everywhere. It's pretty funny:

Meet the winners of the Miss Georgia Sex Offenders Pageant, 2004!


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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 :::

Extreme Jesus

My friend J-Kad sent me this link to Amazon.com for the "Extreme Teen Bible," complete with user comments and recommendations. I'm not sure which are more funny, the sincere recommendations from saved teens, or the mocking of the non-believers:

Wow - this is so cool!!! before i used to hurt my brain by thinking and stuff!!! now i don't to know nething coz it's all written in here and i just haf to follow it!!! word!!! xtreme!!!


::: posted by dan at 12:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, July 12, 2004 :::

Airing your laundry in public.

This guy has made a list of things he and his girlfriend argue about. It's been published in book form and translated into different languages and promoted all over the interent but I never took the time to actually read it, and some of it's actually kinda funny. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Margret thinks I'm vain because... I use a mirror when I shave. During this argument in the bathroom - our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn - Margret proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, 'None of the other men I've been with,' (my, but it's all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.''Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn't it? As all the other men you've been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!' I said. Much later. When Margret had left the house.

I came home from work on Friday and, as I wearily opened the door into the house, Second Born, Peter, heard me entering and poked his head out of the living room. 'Hello, Papa - I've missed you,' he shouts. From within the living room Margret's voice calls out to him 'No you haven't, Peter.'

I also appreciated the story about how she hung up a feathery dreamcatcher over his bed to cure his insomnia.


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This dude, literally, was born in a barn.

Man Raised by Chickens

Social workers in Fiji are trying to rehabilitate a 32-year-old man they say was raised by chickens. The man was locked in a chicken coop as a child for years by his grandfather after his parents died, reports NBC...

"He had imitated or imprinted with the chicken," said Elizabeth Clayton who is rehabilitating the man. "He was perching, he was picking at his food, he was hopping around like a chicken.




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Thursday, July 08, 2004 :::

A brand new target market.

Europeans are crazy. Yuk. I don't even want to know why they think that men need their own special brand of Kleenex.

And save me your perverted comments. I know what you're thinking.


::: posted by dan at 4:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, July 07, 2004 :::

Waiter, there's a bad pun in my soup.

Apparently there is a delicious Vietnamese beef noodle soup called "Pho" that's a "a staple in the old country." The interesting part is that the word is not pronounced "foe," but with more of an "uh" sound "with a raised tone" at the end, allowing restaurants to get creative with their names:






::: posted by dan at 5:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Celebrities are sexy.

Macy Gray sang a concert sans wardrobe last night for charity. Looks like she's finally off that whole herion-chic look:

Here's a pic, where she is covered-up enough to be safe for work.

And for all of you who think Brittney Spears is hott, she's nott:

Take a look see.


::: posted by dan at 4:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Tuesday, July 06, 2004 :::

For Sale

One mullet.
One gently used Real Doll.
One gallon of fish and poop.


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Friday, July 02, 2004 :::

Jealous much?

These are my footsies, just three days ago, in Nassau, Bahamas. Six fun-filled days of cruisin' and boozin' and thankfully not getting filleted (inside joke).



Trip highlights:
• Soft serve
• Laying around the pool
• Paradise/cabbage beach
• White trash cabin hallway fight
• Drinkin'
• Sleepin'
• Not getting filleted

Lowlights:
• Mona Lisa Smile
• Dirty skank preteens booty dancin' at the club
• Powdered eggs for breakfast
• 8 hours at the airport on the return flight
• That the Keopectate I brought actually came in handy

See all my pics and weep, suckas.


::: posted by dan at 7:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button




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