Monday, April 30, 2007 :::
Kmack came home early from work today because she threw out her back while blow-drying her hair this morning. For serious. I mocked her mercilessly, but a shocking discovery this weekend may shed some light on the situation. I present to you, Kmack's twelfth grade report card:
Ouch! A C-Minus in Personal Appearance. I can't imagine how it must feel to get judged as being "below average in personal appearance" by a high school home-ec teacher. I'm not exactly sure what is really involved in a class called Personal Appearance, but I'm assuming the curriculum had something to do with brushing hair and coordinating outfits, or the art of avoiding getting lipstick on your teeth. Kmack must have been sick the day they taught hair-drying. That's a lesson to us all: be cool, stay in school. Or suffer the consequences.
Of course, she's quite a lovely lady these days, so perhaps her past failures have caused no long term damage. Heck, even Einstein flunked math when he was a kid.
Anyway, now that's she getting married, her old nickname "Kmack" doesn't make much sense anymore since it was an amalgam of her first and last names. I've been trying to come up with a new one for the last couple months before her approaching wedding, and I think I've finally found one.
Get well soon, C-Minus!
::: posted by dan at 6:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Sometimes I scare myself.
Today is National Hair Stylist Day. So in honor of my friend Laura, who at one time cut my hair on a regular basis, I photoshopped a picture of my face on the worst head of hair that Google could find, along with the message: "Thanks for making me look so beautiful!" The result was something even I was not prepared for:
Sorry I made you see that.
Dan as the red headed stepchild is really unpretty.
::: posted by dan at 5:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Sunday, April 29, 2007 :::
Er, this is why you need to read things out loud first:
Animated and fantastic!
[From here. Discovered at Freakytrigger, who apparently are of the knowledge that Thing is circumcized.]
::: posted by dan at 4:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Friday, April 27, 2007 :::
It's Friday! Time for some more low-tech tomfoolery!
Now who's the chicken?
::: posted by dan at 8:40 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Thursday, April 26, 2007 :::
I've been thinking about my epitaph and the typical two-word descriptive structure of modern day obituary writing, such as "Devoted Husband", "Avid Sportsman", and "NASCAR Enthusiast" (none of which am I). It would appear that brevity is an important factor in obit/epitaph writing, especially if you want enough room left over for a nice big face picture, which I certainly do.
So I started a list of possible two-word obituary-style descriptions of myself, just to prepare for the inevitable:
Avid Gilmore Girls Viewer
Backup Singer Wannabe
Celebrated Animated-GIF Collector
Uncelebrated Christmas Song Composer
But I think it would be better to be enigmatic and intriguing and just go for something all-encompassing like "Avid Enthusiast". That could mean anything, which is what makes it particularly attractive. In fact, I almost don't want to wait until I die to unveil that one:
Also, I want to be cremated. And I want Lily Tomlin to eat the ashes. So at the risk of sounding like a bad frozen pizza commercial, what two words do you want on your tombstone?
::: posted by dan at 6:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (36) comments
I just recently discovered that I am the #1 Google Image Search result for "NSFW", which means "Not Suitable For Work" (to any of you who may be new to the internet) and is the widely accepted acronym used to flag material on the web that might be unsuitable for public viewing. I don't know how long this honor will last, but I acknowledge the accomplishment humbly.
This makes me proud.
[The above link is obviously VERY NSFW!]
::: posted by dan at 5:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Monday, April 23, 2007 :::
I was sick all weekend, so last night night I took some Tylenol PM in attempt to recuperate some strength for Monday morning. Subsequently, I woke up with space brain, which is a side effect of Tylenol PM that seems to magically combine the foggy confusion of a hangover with the hyper-alertness of an amphetamine. But I needed to focus my thoughts for an important client meeting, so unfortunately I decided that adding caffeine into the mix was a super idea. I don't normally drink coffee in the morning and when I do it really affects me. So after two brimming cupfuls of pure black java, my space brain condition had evolved into a twitchy, sweaty amalgam of hyper-real, blissful euphoria and utter mental retardation. In other words, my eyes were plastered wide open, but any form of cognitive concentration was impossible.
I somehow survived the meeting with my dignity in tact (so say my coworkers) and headed home, deciding to stop at Burger King along the way (shut up, I crave it sometimes). The lunch-crowd drive-thru line was long, but the anticipation of savory onion rings made it possible to endure the wait, especially since my brain still couldn't hold a proper thought for longer than two seconds and I was able to easily entertain myself by obsessively adjusting the side-view mirrors. Upon my arrival at the payment/food-exchange window, I greeted the cashier with a big toothy grin and an enthusiastic hello. She gave me my diet coke, I gave her my money, she returned my change, and I promptly drove away, completely forgetting to wait for my food.
I didn't realize my mistake until halfway home, when I blindly reached over to snatch a steamy onion ring from the bag, but my grasping hand couldn't find its prize. It took me a few minutes to realize that this was because I had left the drive-thru window prematurely. I was moderately shocked by my foolishness. Fortunately, the effects of my Tylenol/Coffee cocktail seemed to completely eradicate any sense of shame, so I calmly turned around and drove back to correct my mistake.
But the drive-thru line was still long, and my mouth sorely needed an onion ring, so I parked and made the journey into the lobby on foot and waited in line until my turn at the counter, where I tried to explain to the cashier that I required a free burger and onion ring combo due to the fact that I had mistakenly left my purchase at the drive-thru fifteen minutes earlier. She was understandably confused, and not exactly as familiar with English as I am, so it took some convincing and some helpful explanation from a coworker before I was finally rewarded with my lunch.
I was bemused when they made me a brand new bag with an entirely fresh combo meal. I had just assumed that I would be forced to accept my cold bag of food which was probably still sitting at the drive-thru window awaiting my return. Back at home, as my head eventually began to clear, I realized that my food had probably been given away to the next driver by mistake, causing a massive chain reaction of wrong orders to follow. Hopefully, the first cashier realized that my car had been replaced by another and was able to recover by delivering the correct meal to the next car in line. But if you were at the Hiawatha Burger King in Minneapolis today and you mistakenly received a Whopper Junior with no tomatoes instead of whatever wilty salad or chicken monstrosity you ordered, I truly do apologize, but it was Tylenol's fault.
That was a really long way of saying "I forgot my burger at the drive-thru window," which itself sounds like some bad country song title. It's almost midnight now, but I'm still way too wired for sleep.
::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
Friday, April 20, 2007 :::
Here is your regularly scheduled animated GIF:
Worst Highjump Ever
::: posted by dan at 12:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Thursday, April 19, 2007 :::
Like most people, the majority of my worst childhood memories involve clowns. Likewise, the majority of embarrassing pictures from my youth involve me dressed as a clown:
The picture above was taken after a particularly grueling day of handing out Slo-Poke suckers to kids who weren't all that much younger than I was at the annual neighborhood church fair. My mother was in charge of the "clowns" at the St. Al's Fun Fair every year and since no one else was interested in participating, she mostly had to recruit her own family members to don the wigs, face paint, and costumes. The reason I am not wearing a wig in the picture is because some drunken church fair brutes had snatched if off my head and then forced me to play Pickle in the Middle with the wig to get it back. But I wasn't a very good pickle, and it wasn't easy to jump or run in the clown costume under the steamy July sun, so the hooligans ended up running off with the wig and tossing it into the dunk tank. I spent the rest of my church fair clowning career wigless.
I'm still a tad bitter about it, but to get my revenge, and for purely cathartic reasons, I like to photoshop clown make-up onto people I know, like I did for my Dad's birthday:
Freaks them out every time. I think a great idea would be to photoshop clown make-up onto photos of all of my coworkers, and then slip the photos into their purses or under their keyboards so that they would accidentally find them when they least expected it. I don't think I can imagine anything more disturbing than seeing yourself in clown make-up. Believe me, I know.
Speaking of clown jokes, this one has always been one of my favorites.
::: posted by dan at 12:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
Wednesday, April 18, 2007 :::
I received an advertisement in the mail yesterday that featured this comparison chart:
My initial interpretation was that they were either morbidly droopy boobs or diseased hairless testicles, but they were neither.
I guess I am curious to know if anyone else had the same initial reaction as me, or if I have just become desensitized by seeing so many pictures of diseased genitals on the internet that it will forever be my first association and that my mind has been permanently warped. Please advise.
::: posted by dan at 11:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
One of my first blog posts ever, back in September of 2002, was short and sweet, and something along the lines of:
"...Dr. Phil is a bozo."
I've always had an irrational hatred for the man. No wait, I take that back, there's nothing irrational about it. The problem is I've never been to articulate my despise for him in words. When forced to defend my opinion of him (which I'm surprised I've actually had to do on occasion), I come up blank. But then I found this description of him in an article titled The 100 Unsexiest Men 2007 that sums it up so perfectly that I couldn't have said it any better myself:
I probably would have added in a negative comment about his affected southern accent being his subsitute for "wisdom", but it's still nearly perfect so I just thought I'd share. Although how he didn't make the top 10 is beyond me.
::: posted by dan at 11:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Friday, April 13, 2007 :::
Your regularly scheduled Friday Afternoon Animated GIF:
It's all in the reaction shot.
::: posted by dan at 11:58 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Apparently, heterosexuality is just a conspiracy:
Of course, that is just a very pat reading of a very interesting subject...
::: posted by dan at 11:57 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
My Netflix has been going very well, thank you very much. Of course, it's totally ruined my movie review section, because I've seen way too many movies to review and it's much easier just to rate them with stars in my Netflix queue.
But in case you care, here are my recent rentals/ratings. Yes, I admit I rented Basic Instinct 2:
Shortbus 4 Stars 04/13/07
The Prestige 2 Stars 04/10/07
Borat 4 Stars 04/03/07
Stranger than Fiction 4 Stars 04/03/07
Sarah Silverman:Jesus is Magic 4 Stars 03/30/07
Wordplay 4 Stars 03/16/07
Basic Instinct 2 1 Star 03/12/07
Jesus Camp 4 Stars 03/06/07
Everything Is Illuminated 1 Star 03/06/07
The Departed 4 Stars 02/27/07
Babel 2 Stars 02/27/07
Clerks 2 1 Star 02/21/07
This Film Is Not Yet Rated 4 Stars 02/21/07
An Inconvenient Truth 4 Stars 02/13/07
Idiocracy 3 Stars 02/13/07
A Prairie Home Companion 3 Stars 02/09/07
The Devil Wears Prada 3 Stars 01/30/07
Art School Confidential 2 Stars 01/23/07
Superman Returns 2 Stars 01/17/07
Nacho Libre 3 Stars 01/17/07
Hostel 3 Stars 01/12/07
Lady in the Water 1 Star 01/12/07
The Descent 5 Stars 01/05/07
Speaking of watching things on TV (I know, worst segue ever), I have to say that the last few episodes of Gilmore Girls have renewed my spirits in the show. In reality, they have just been digging themselves out of the horrible hole they created with the first half of the season, but still, the characters are back on track, the drama has been amped up, and Lorelie suddenly had a nice moment of clarity that I think was long overdue. Perhaps I can return to posting regularly about my beloved GG, although I still was hoping this would be the final season. I just can't stand the possibility of even one more episode about Lane's baby.
::: posted by dan at 7:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Thursday, April 12, 2007 :::
I like this idea:
Pencils made from the carbon of human cremains. 240 pencils can be made from an average body of ash - a lifetime supply of pencils for those left behind.
I guess it's mostly just a concept right now, but I think people should do it for real. Although it might be a little weird jotting down a grocery list with your husband's dead ashes. And would you feel bad about sharpening them? And if you did, what would you do with the shavings? It's like a never ending cycle. I think you'd have to save those pencils for special occasions. Or art class or something.
I wonder how much they would cost? I wonder how much a body's worth of carbon costs? I know blood is pretty expensive. Not toner-expensive apparently, but expensive:
[And here is a much more detailed list of the prices of liquids, which makes you wonder what the big deal is about waging war for oil in the middle east. We should be invading Hewlett Packard's corporate headquarters. FP]
::: posted by dan at 11:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Monday, April 09, 2007 :::
One of my biggest fears is being the guy on the treadmill at the gym who loses his balance or forgets to pay attention to his footing and does the spectacular flailing crash onto the rotating band that forcefully expels you backwards and throws you off of the apparatus with utter lack of control to the sound of screeching skin and the smell of burnt rubber.
I've seen it happen to other people, who sometimes land face down, flat on their stomach and are then thrown backwards like assembly-belt fodder. Afterwards, they always mysteriously disappear from the gym, never to be seen again in the aftermath of their embarrassment. It's only a matter of time before it's me. In fact, it almost happened today.
I was on the treadmill, minding my own business, lip-syncing to my MP3 player (which I admit looks a little ridiculous but eff that, it's the only thing that gets me through the workout), when the cleaning crew starts wiping down the machines all around me. They don't even bother to wait until you've finished your workout, they just squat down right in front of you with their soapy rags and wipe down the treadmill in the middle of your jog. There's been more than one occasion where I've witnessed my own hard-earned sweat drip right onto the top of their unsuspecting heads, but they pay no mind and just keep on scrubbing. It probably happens to them a dozen times a day, and I try to rationalize it by telling myself that if they don't have the patience to wait until I'm finished then they get what they deserve, but it still makes me very self-conscious.
Today they were working in unison, one woman scrubbed the front end of the machines while one scrubbed the back and another woman followed up behind them with a vacuum. It almost felt like a coordinated attack. Perhaps it was a retaliation for having to endure my dripping sweat for all these years. When they got to my machine it was all so frenetic and distracting that I started to get nervous. The sweat flew and I stumbled a bit but I held my ground. That's when the vacuum lady kicked the electrical cord out of its socket. I lurched forward into the machine with a thud as the apparatus screeched to a sudden halt. I just stood there, nursing my bruises and awaiting an apology. I watched her as she plugged the machine back in, never making eye contact and never skipping a beat, and then off she went with her vacuum, not even caring that she almost caused me to live out my worst nightmare.
I'm not sure how I'm going to get my revenge of the treadmill cleaning crew yet, but she won't get away with this passive-aggressive attack. This last video is fake I think, but I've tried that itch-your-knee routine on the treadmill before with near disastrous results.
::: posted by dan at 9:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Steal the rabbit's eggs and unleash its wrath. Jesus loves that.
::: posted by dan at 8:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Thursday, April 05, 2007 :::
I've been a Decemberists evangelist (hey that almost rhymes!) for years. I can't even begin to estimate how many of their concerts I've blogged about or CDs I've gushed over. I proudly wore their concert T-shirt all over town nearly every day for two whole summers until it literally evaporated off of my body from excessive wear. Yes, literally. I even have a bustificated tambourine from one of their concerts that is prominently displayed in my bedroom. But right now they are on my naughty list.
Last time they were in town they put on a pretty good show in spite of lead singer Colin Meloy's illness. He would disappear from stage occasionally, presumably to vomit, and return looking a little pale and feverish. Understandably, they cut the show short and Colin himself apologized for the lackluster performance, promising to "remember Minneapolis next time around."
Apparently they forgot to remember because Minneapolis isn't even on the tour schedule this time around.
[original pic from bbgunbilly.com]
I even emailed him to express my disappointment, but got no reply. Not that I was expecting one. Celebrities are busy, fickle people.
Once I got an email reply from Roger Ebert. I can't remember why I emailed him in the first place, but his personalized reply was one of my prized possessions until my computer crashed and I lost it forever. Another time, I got this lengthy email response from Sufjan Stevens, which I've desperately and almost successfully tried to convince myself was not actually just some form letter or canned reply.
I also got an unsolicited email from Mike White once, which I detailed in this post and am still quite proud of. Not that I'm a star-effer or anything. I don't make it a habit to hound celebrities. I just get bored sometimes. And obsessive. And fanatical.
Speaking of fantatics, this is one of my favorite SNL skits ever, in spite of Ben Affleck, and it's also appropriately (or maybe not-so-appropriately) topical.
::: posted by dan at 8:02 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Monday, April 02, 2007 :::
I went to Europe for a couple weeks. Most notably, I went to France, Belgium, and Luxembourg on a whirlwind tour of things European. I saw iconic art and ate stinky cheese and drank fancy liquor and walked for a million kilometers and roamed the Belgian countryside. I took baths instead of showers, I ate salads for the last course rather than the first, I rode the Metro while humming that song by that band in the 80's, and I ate pancakes and waffles on the street. I saw Brussels and Bruges and Waterloo and Paris and canals and sculptures and more cathedrals than I can even recall or differentiate between. I sampled exotic foods and indulged and imbibed and subsequently regretted. I met many pleasing people, learned many foreign phrases, and basically made such a good impression on behalf of all Americans that I've pretty much reinvented international diplomacy from scratch. We're all good now. No more worries. BFF.
I took nearly 800 pictures. An abridged set of my travel photos is located here:
Dan invades Europe
Anyway, I'm back now.
::: posted by dan at 5:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (31) comments
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