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Monday, April 09, 2007 :::

A Coordinated Attack

One of my biggest fears is being the guy on the treadmill at the gym who loses his balance or forgets to pay attention to his footing and does the spectacular flailing crash onto the rotating band that forcefully expels you backwards and throws you off of the apparatus with utter lack of control to the sound of screeching skin and the smell of burnt rubber.

I've seen it happen to other people, who sometimes land face down, flat on their stomach and are then thrown backwards like assembly-belt fodder. Afterwards, they always mysteriously disappear from the gym, never to be seen again in the aftermath of their embarrassment. It's only a matter of time before it's me. In fact, it almost happened today.

I was on the treadmill, minding my own business, lip-syncing to my MP3 player (which I admit looks a little ridiculous but eff that, it's the only thing that gets me through the workout), when the cleaning crew starts wiping down the machines all around me. They don't even bother to wait until you've finished your workout, they just squat down right in front of you with their soapy rags and wipe down the treadmill in the middle of your jog. There's been more than one occasion where I've witnessed my own hard-earned sweat drip right onto the top of their unsuspecting heads, but they pay no mind and just keep on scrubbing. It probably happens to them a dozen times a day, and I try to rationalize it by telling myself that if they don't have the patience to wait until I'm finished then they get what they deserve, but it still makes me very self-conscious.

Today they were working in unison, one woman scrubbed the front end of the machines while one scrubbed the back and another woman followed up behind them with a vacuum. It almost felt like a coordinated attack. Perhaps it was a retaliation for having to endure my dripping sweat for all these years. When they got to my machine it was all so frenetic and distracting that I started to get nervous. The sweat flew and I stumbled a bit but I held my ground. That's when the vacuum lady kicked the electrical cord out of its socket. I lurched forward into the machine with a thud as the apparatus screeched to a sudden halt. I just stood there, nursing my bruises and awaiting an apology. I watched her as she plugged the machine back in, never making eye contact and never skipping a beat, and then off she went with her vacuum, not even caring that she almost caused me to live out my worst nightmare.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get my revenge of the treadmill cleaning crew yet, but she won't get away with this passive-aggressive attack. This last video is fake I think, but I've tried that itch-your-knee routine on the treadmill before with near disastrous results.

::: posted by dan at 9:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

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8 previous comments:

So never got an apology from the cleaning crew? That's not right...they should really be waiting for people to be off of the machines.

I'm glad you didn't fall though. Just shake your head really hard next time and give them a nice sweaty shower...maybe they'll think twice.

By Blogger Trudy, at 11:47 AM  

Dude, I would have been complaining to the gym about that. That's retahded.

By Blogger Joel, at 11:52 AM  

If it's been said once, it's been said 1000 times: YOU NEED TO FIND A NEW GYM. Stolen pants with burrito coupon, botched high-fives, troublesome knotted shorts, and now the cleaning crew is trying to injure you. Get out while you can still walk with dignity.

By Blogger Michelle, at 12:45 PM  

Nothing cracks me up like people flying off the treadmill. (And I totally fear it, too!) Thanks for the laughs!

By Blogger Heather, at 12:54 PM  

That's why i do my running outside! You could have probably successfully sued that gym at least 5 times by now...

By Anonymous Richard, at 4:15 PM  

GAH ! I wish I hadn't read this ( & watched the videos ) before I worked out yesterday. I was so flippin' paranoid about it the whole time that I ended up flying off the back of my treadmill whilst trying to re-clip my radio to my pants, I did not fall full on, I caught myself with one arm, flailed a bit, turned bright red, & got back on. Oy. My arm hurts, not to mention my pride.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:39 AM  

This is the real FATTY....and you dont want to fall on your poopoopoo on a treadmill u could smash your sugar babies..


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:28 PM  

Others have said it, but I've got to say it too.. Dude, your gym sucks. If you feel locked in by your contract, I would at least make complaints. If the gym is worth anything at all they would try to compensate you in SOME way. Work out at home.. it's cheaper, less humiliating and less disgusting. The only downside is we won't have any more gym fiascos to read about, but I'm sure you can fill that hole. *cheeng* Good Luck!

By Anonymous the girl, at 4:30 PM  

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