Monday, March 31, 2008 :::
You know that feeling where you're just sitting around on a Saturday afternoon and you think to yourself, "Wouldn't it be really fun to make a Sock Monkey right now?" No? Well neither do I, but upon completion of a related work project last week I received a gift of Rockford Red Heel socks from the client as a Thank You. They come packaged with instructions on how to make your very own Sock Monkey, and it seemed simple enough. With the exception of the stuffing, I had all the required materials, so I thought, "Hmmmm, why not?" The final results weren't exactly impressive - you can't really call me "competent" with a needle and yarn - yet I felt a sense of accomplishment nonetheless:
I named him Edgar. You might be thinking, "What's the point?" But the whole process has also been very educational. In fact, I soon learned that there exists a Sock Monkey "culture" that obsesses about all things Sock Monkey. For instance, they make Sock Monkey inspired furniture:
And even Sock Monkey inspired fashion:
And maybe I got a little too into it as well, because I thought it would be funny to embroider Edgar a little anus, just like the real red-butted monkeys:
But then I thought that people might think that was a tad perverted or something, which instantly reminded me of Rule 34 on the Internet, which basically states:
If it exists, there is porn of it, or somebody fetishizes it.
And as it turns out, Sock Monkeys are no exception to that rule:
I'm not even going to tell you what I stuffed Edgar with.
Long live the Internet!
::: posted by dan at 8:31 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Friday, March 28, 2008 :::
Did you know you could also fall UP the stairs?
Escalators are hard.
And evil. Case in point, never turn your back on an escalator:
And relentlessly cruel. Poor sisyphusian duckies:
::: posted by dan at 3:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 :::
I'm too swamped with work to think of anything new to post these last few days, so instead I will just repost one of my favorite videos ever, in case you missed it. If you're new to this video, it's a clip from my local news station as they interview a trailer park community after one of the mobile homes unexpectedly explodes.
"Trailer all blowed up," has been a catchphrase in certain circles ever since. Classic. Although I think my favorite part is when the woman makes a special mention of the damage caused to her precious aquarium.
Some people might think this is too stereotypical to be real, but trust me, it's fer real.
::: posted by dan at 8:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
Friday, March 21, 2008 :::
Some people are head over heels for summer.
Some people are head over heels for winter.
But to be honest, that second link is one of the rare cases where an animated GIF just can't seem to recreate the moment with proper justice. For that you need the full video...
::: posted by dan at 2:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Thursday, March 20, 2008 :::
Today is my birthday, and I'm turning the perfect age. I've kinda been looking forward to being thirty three, because it's one of my favorite numbers. I like multiples of 11 and my favorite number is 3, so this should be my luckiest year ever.
But apparently, in the early fifth century St. Augustine of Hippo surmised that since Jesus Christ died on the cross at age 33, then ALL humans, upon ascending into heaven at the time of the second coming, will be 33 years of age. For eternity.
Sounds nice and all, but that this means I'll be floating around heaven with an inner-tube of excess fat bouncing around my lower gut, brittle toe nails, and hair in weird places. Frankly, I was hoping for more out of heaven. And out of being 33.
::: posted by dan at 10:35 AM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments
Wednesday, March 19, 2008 :::
Breaking News: Couple Turns Their Dead Dogs into Winter Warmth
The raw materials:
To be fair, the article seems to carefully avoid mentioning whether or not the old coots actually used the pelts of the dead animals in the final product, but something on the look of that crazed-old-man's face would have me believe that he would not be above passing up that kind of raw material windfall. And even if he did, there's something creepy about being able to answer the question "Nice coat, what's it made out of?" with "My dead dog."
I fail to see how this is any different than making cowboy boots out of your pet lizard's scaly exterior, or for that matter, what about collecting your beloved grandmother's hair from the bathtub drain and knitting yourself some matching heirloom socks and scarves? Or perhaps a leather jacket from the excess flesh of Jared's post-Subway-diet skin removal operation? The moles could make a very lovely pattern... after all, I hear that polka dots are the new asymmetrical stripes. Or did I just take that analogy way too far?
Either way, I'm registering my disapproval for dead pet apparel right here and now!
::: posted by dan at 8:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Friday, March 14, 2008 :::
I really do like dogs. But man are they dumb creatures. You can argue the contrary all you want, but I know better. It's probably a good thing, though, because I think the fact that they are so darned stupid is what makes them so darned cute:
Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine.
See? Dumb but cute.
::: posted by dan at 8:15 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Thursday, March 13, 2008 :::
I have a pretty good memory of my childhood. Most of the memories are pretty colorful and vivid and complete with sound effects and movement. But some of them are more like a slideshow of static images all assembled in succession, like I'm flipping through a photo album of split second moments or something.
For instance, I remember when I was around 10 years old, a friend and I secretly climbed up onto the roof of the school by my house to retrieve lost tennis balls. I searched one half of the roof while he searched the other. When I was finished with my side, I went back to find him but he was nowhere in sight. I noticed a single shoe poking out from behind a chimney, so I investigated. Rounding the corner of the chimney, I was shocked to find my friend squatting, with his pants down, pooping on the roof of the school. His closed eyes and the strained look on his face are like a never-fading freeze-frame snapshot in my mind. I can even accurately describe his entire outfit to this day.
I also have a freeze-frame memory of the first time I saw my grandma with no wig on. I came out of the changing room to see her wading waist-deep in the shallow end of a swimming pool. I didn't recognize that strange bald person with the single poof of gray hair on the tip top of her head, so when she spoke to me I screamed. For some reason I have a freeze-frame memory of myself screaming as well, which is strange since I obviously was not at the proper vantage point to witness my own reaction.
And then there was the time that I collided with another biker on a path through the park. We were headed right at each other, but I saw her approaching from afar, so when she came close enough to pass I simply slowed down and moved over a little to the side. But so did she. So I moved over a little more and reduced my speed again. She did, too. We were like mirror images of each other. By now we were each barely moving fast enough to stay balanced on two wheels, yet we had only a fraction of a second to avoid a collision, so I made one last ditch attempt to hit my breaks and move even further over to the side. But of course, so did she. We ended up colliding head on in an awkward slow-motion crumple of flesh and steel. The final freeze-frame in my mind is from when I came to and saw a twisted heap of foreign legs, bike spokes, and booty socks.
I think I even have freeze-frame memories of events where I wasn't actually present, which really makes me doubt their accuracy. Oh well, I'm going to pretend they are all true until someone tells me otherwise.
::: posted by dan at 7:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Wednesday, March 12, 2008 :::
C-Minus (formerly Kmack) got her wedding photos back recently. I immediately sorted through them to find pictures of myself. It was a very enlightening experience for me. Here are some things I learned from Kmack's professional wedding photographer:
1. Wide angle lenses are quite unflattering.
Or at least I hope she was using a wide angle lens on this shot:
Jeesh, I'd look like some fat oil tycoon, if it weren't for the cheap champagne.
2. In hindsight, maybe it does seem strange to have a man as your maid of honor.
Who wouldn't assume I was the groom in this picture:
To make matters worse, there are some pictures of the entire wedding party where the bride is facing me rather than the groom, which I'm sure the actual groom didn't appreciate too much.
3. I am desperate for attention.
I'll do anything to get noticed, even if it means shoving my own hand needlessly into the shot, with an awkward "Madge, I soaked in it!" pose no less:
4. I'm terribly unphotogenic.
::: posted by dan at 8:27 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Friday, March 07, 2008 :::
Yay for monkeys!
Although sometimes they can be complete jackasses.
And sometimes they can be really gross.
And sometimes they can be really really gross.
I'm so sorry about that last one.
Please accept this formal apology.
::: posted by dan at 4:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
I wonder if this is from the Lord of the Rings extended cut?
Damn, nature, you sexy!
::: posted by dan at 10:58 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 :::
I recently received an email which offered me the opportunity to submit articles for publication in the upcoming Girls Gone Wild magazine.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not so sure that "plentiful circulation in such areas as 7-Elevens nationwide" is an effective enticement.
At first I thought the email was just a marketing ploy, and that some smart marketing executive at GGW headquarters was emailing job offers to bloggers across the country in hopes that they would blog about it, therefore providing free word-of-mouth advertising about the new publication's launch. In which case: mission accomplished.
Then I thought that maybe it was just regular old spam or a phishing attempt... some sort of sneaky way to improve circulation. Of course, there's always the possibility that someone actually finds me entertaining, in which case I'm incredibly flattered, but I don't really understand how my animated GIFs and embarrassing gym stories would translate to Girls Gone Wild in print. Still, if the author of this email is still out there, I can only thank you for your kind offer and flattering words.
Having said that, my eventual reply stated: "I don't know much about drunk chicks or tits. Not to marginalize your business or anything."
Was that inappropriate?
::: posted by dan at 5:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 :::
I've been trying to avoid blogging about politics lately, simply
because I devoted a little too much wasted time and energy to it back in 2004, and
frankly I kinda think that none of the three viable candidates we have
left are anywhere near as bad as the current asshat in charge. The
next round of elected officials could only be an improvement. Heck, even electing this guy would be an improvement.
But anyway, I think this comic makes a good, if obvious, point:
Or I guess at least I wish it was obvious. It doesn't seem to be in
::: posted by dan at 6:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
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