Thursday, September 30, 2004 :::
I'm leaving for New York City in a few short hours and so I just thought that I would say that just in case I die in a terrorist attack or a random plane crash that you should all remember to vote Kerry and to memorialize me with granite sculptures and candlelight vigils. Just kidding. About the vigils, anyway.
I've started watching Lost on ABC these last couple of weeks, and the shows thus far have been eerily focused on plane crashes and such, so it's got me a little spooked, but whatever. It's a good show and I'm not one for superstition. Anybody else been watching? Last night's episode was a doozy.
Oh, and if my friend mo-mo has internet access in Brooklyn I'll try to post, but you never know with that guy.
::: posted by dan at 1:24 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Wednesday, September 29, 2004 :::
I think this speaks for itself:
::: posted by dan at 6:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (38) comments
Stereogum points out the awesomest anagram ever:
So her Kaballah phase is obviously against god's plan.
::: posted by dan at 6:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Did you know that a single unopened can of Crystal Pepsi could fetch you upwards of $20 on eBay? At that rate, a whole case could net you nearly $500. For real, I shoulda stocked up.
Someone should go store away a case of C2.
You know what else is apparently resellable? Coffins.
Someone emailed me this pic of a yardsale they recently attended. To be fair, the Mexican selling it said that it had never been used.
::: posted by dan at 4:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Monday, September 27, 2004 :::
Not really, but it is pretty ridiculous. Bill Garner is a conservative wacko cartoonist for the Washington Times. He's kind of the right-wing's answer to Michael Moore, only without the sense of humor. That's right, a sense of humor is not a prerequisite for Republican cartoonists. Anywho, his comics are always offensive to me, so I'm never surprised, but I saw this one hanging on a cube at work the other day. It depicts the protests at the Republican National Convention. From what I can tell, in attendance are homosexuals, Bill Clinton, Osama bin Laden, and a chicken:
The implication being that gays, lesbians, and Bill Clinton are no better than Osama bin Laden and random barnyard animals. Nice. Real mature there, Billy.
::: posted by dan at 11:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments
Planetdan is expanding its horizons this week. I will be visiting friends (mo-mo and pimpsmax) in New York City starting Thursday, so if anyone has any suggestions on where dan might best spend his time while in the city of apples, now's the time to give 'em.
Oh, and cross your fingers for more celebrity sightings. I have to outdo Furry, who just a couple weeks ago snapped amazing celebrity photos of both Neve and Newt.
I know what you're thinking: Worst. Photoshopping. Ever. But I just didn't have the time to spend doctoring up such a cheezy cliche. If I had the energy to be more clever, I might have given it a little more effort. But it's 12:30 on a Sunday night. Cut me some slack.
::: posted by dan at 1:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Sunday, September 26, 2004 :::
Pornogami is all the rage, you know. I read about it in thirty different places in the last week. And you can even buy books dedicated to the ancient chinese art (which may in fact be the perfect xmas gift for the paper fetishest in your family). Now anyone can fold paper into dirty shapes!
I even found this freebie, for making your very own loose-leaf penis.
Just don't ask me where you are supposed to buy flesh-colored paper.
::: posted by dan at 11:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Holy cotton candy.
I went to the amusement park on Saturday. The food prices were outrageous, but the portions were adequate. Strane horked after the Amazing Trapeze, and B*Dubb acted as ballast on the Monster, giving K-Mack the spinningest ride of her life. I was looped on anti-nausea pills, so good times were had by all. Apparently, rather than screaming like a girl on rides, like I always imagined I did, I simply yelled "Oh no!" over and over and over.
And thanks to J-Wack for the tickets.
::: posted by dan at 11:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Thursday, September 23, 2004 :::
The local 3-2 dive bar has pulltabs that seem to push the boundaries of good taste. What on earth is that in the upper right hand corner?
WRONG! It's a foot with a sore toe, pervert. Geesh.
Man, even close-up that still don't look right.
::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
I wasn't drunk at the work party last night. Not even close. I had maybe four beers in the course of five hours. But now that I look back on my behavior during the evening, certain akward phrases and some obnoxious utterances stick out. For instance, I remember at one point practically shouting "No! Girls have hoo-has and boys have ding-dongs." Which I know is pretty low on the scale of embarassing vulgarities, but its tackiness is still making me wince a little this morning. Even more perplexing is how this phrase somehow came out of a debate regarding which Dukes of Hazzard brother was portrayed by Tom Wopat.
Oh well. I'm no stranger to making a fool of myself. I just get over-excited being around so many people. Much worse things have happened at work parties, so I should just be grateful.
::: posted by dan at 9:35 AM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments
Tuesday, September 21, 2004 :::
In less than 30 minutes, the brand new season of Gilmore Girls starts. We'll finally be able to see how this is all going to play out.
Shut up. It's a good show. I'm not obsessed. So what if I want to print out this life size poster of Lorelie Gilmore for my room?
::: posted by dan at 6:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
Monday, September 20, 2004 :::
...I swear I'm not. But I can never really render good reason for the small amount of stuff I do decide to keep filed away for years. I was looking through my Prince clippings (I had a wee bit of a Prince obsession a while back), and I came across this advertisement that had been mailed to me, as a member of his fan club:
The Prince Fragrance: Get Wild
I can only imagine what it smells like. But even worse is the packaging. I'm sure at the time, big white afros were all the rage, but it doesn't exactly scream aromatic:
I also found this old magazine cover. Guess the celebrity, if you can get past that beeyootiful sweater. I guess '82 was the year of the loom:
Click for the answer.
::: posted by dan at 10:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Rod Stewart, eat your heart out. Over lunch today, I took the Real Age quiz to see if my lifestyle has improved since I took it last, about four years ago. Turns out I'm only 25:
The site suggested that to get my Real Age even lower, I should eat fish, drive slower, floss more, and make sure my parents never get divorced. So it seems that with a little work, I could get myself back to my prime age of 21. I've never given a crap about my age, but that beats having to say that I'm "turning 29 for the second time," as Furry is prone to doing.
::: posted by dan at 1:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
There was an interesting, if somewhat bitchy, article on MSNBC last week about whether or not you should hate Gwenyth Paltrow. After seeing Sky Captain this weekend, I can tell you that I am leaning toward the hate side of the debate, but only in that strange all-I-need-to-know-about-someone-to-really-understand-them-I-learned-in-the-tabloids type of way. But they sure do make her seem pretty vapid and annoying.
So this might be a good time to add to the negativity and reveal my top three least favorite actresses. I'm not going to go with the usual Jennifer Lopez or Halle Berry, though:
Yeah, she was unidentifiable in Monster, but have you ever tried to watch her in ANYTHING else? Yuk.
She's been okay in a few things, I guess, but try to distinguish between any of these movies: Twisted, High Crimes, Double Jeopardy, Eye of the Beholder, Kiss the Girls...
I don't think I need to explain myself on this one.
Runners up: Kirstin Dunst, Whoopie Goldberg, Courtney Love.
Related links: Worst. Actors. Ever.
::: posted by dan at 10:10 AM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
Friday, September 17, 2004 :::
That's wierd. According to my Blogger Profile, I'm an Aries. I've always been told that I'm a Pisces. Have I been reading the wrong horoscope this whole time? So does this mean I'm not going to have money problems in the upcoming weeks? And should I not expect to meet a "wonderful short-term partner" in the very near future? I'm so confused. What shall I do without the stars to guide me?
::: posted by dan at 4:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
The Greasy Cooters lost Game 2 tonight. 21-0. That's TWENTY ONE TO ZERO. Whoopsie. It may have something to do with the fact that I am the most unathletic person on the planet. Kickball ain't as easy as you may remember it. And it really ain't all that fun after about four innings of an embarassing massacre. But there was beer afterwards. Actually, there was beer before, during, and afterwards. And Karaoke.
I swear, I'm 29. There's no shame in playing kickball at 29. There may be a little shame in playing kickball this badly at 29, but if I played it well that would really be out of character.
I always feel like I don't belong in these types of pictures:
::: posted by dan at 1:29 AM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments
Thursday, September 16, 2004 :::
The Got Milk campaign is well over a decade old. Someone needs to put it out of its misery. It has inspired way too many uninspired knock-offs over the years, to the point where I passed THREE variations on the way to work this morning:
• Got Hardware?
• Got Tacos?
• Got Tires?
It's officially the hackiest of all hacky marketing ideas. In just this last week, my friend B*Dubb has had run-ins with multiple mad marketing suggestions like "Got Teeth?" and "Got Tennis?"
Today I happened across the "Got Jesus?" and the "Got Life?" websites. When the church tries to latch on to a hip idea, you KNOW its at least five years past its prime.
Please. Just stop. Even the post-modern ironic versions aren't funny anymore.
Not to mention, those milk moustache ads are grody.
::: posted by dan at 2:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments
Running for Fulton County Supreme Court Judge? Looking for votes? Why not take off your shirt and troll for votes at the gay pride parade, like this guy?
Oh, but you see, it wasn't pandering. He claims he simply removed his shirt after someone spilled a drink on him. Sounds reasonable enough to me. You can't expect a guy to campaign in a dirty shirt! Man, was I being unnecessarily cynical!
"There were a lot of catcalls and whistles. He was definitely trying to create the environment of being a circuit boy.” It's a good thing he's so dreamy, because the horrifyingly pathetic thing about this circus: the dude's hired political consultant is the former president of the Southeastern Legal Foundation, which supports a constitutional ban on gay marriage.
::: posted by dan at 1:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (33) comments
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 :::
I think that just because I took a few film study classes at the U that I have better taste than the general public. Of course, anyone who knows me would be able to say "Um, I think you've seen the remake of Sabrina way too many times to be able to call yourself a film snob." Seriously. I can mouth every line of dialogue. I have another secret, too: I've never really liked The Godfather. Parts I, II, nor III. Mobster movies generally seem a little false macho to me. Whenever a guy says his favorite movie is The Godfather, you know the runner-up is going to be Armageddon. I realize I'm in the minority here. I'll relinquish my film snob title, but regardless, this horse head bed pillow is truly inspired. Sadly, it's only available in one color and doesn't match my decor:
The felt pink tongue really adds something. Lots more pics of it here.
::: posted by dan at 11:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
There's been a lot of news about animals walking on their hind-legs lately. Don't know why I find it fascinating, but it might have something to do with the fact that it freaks me out in a evolutionary-leap/humans-are-doomed type of way.
The dog was trained to walk on his hind legs, having no front ones and all. He is being considered for a role in the next Harry Potter movie. And he has a talent agent. No kidding. This dog has a better career than you.
As for the monkey, he started walking upright after a near-death experience. The experts seem to think that brain damage might be the cause. That's right, it's the retarded monkeys that walk upright.
Now who's the superior species?
::: posted by dan at 1:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Saturday, September 11, 2004 :::
Synthetic human skin bags, accessories, and clothing items. The French sure do know fashion. Visit Skinbag.net to order yours today:
Vest and carry-all.
Goiter fanny pack?
::: posted by dan at 4:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments
Top ten lyrics that let you know you're listening to a christian rock band:
7. anything involving clay or jars
3. something about the pope and how his shorties "keep wastin' his flava"
::: posted by dan at 4:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Friday, September 10, 2004 :::
Scissor Sisters at the Minneapolis Fine Line are SOLD OUT! Anyone got any connections? I really really need tickets, dammit.
Who do I think I am? I don't know anybody with connections. *sniff*
::: posted by dan at 8:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
I was pretty oblivious to practically everything in the seventh grade, or so it seems. I used to trade notes with a friend, a few of which I dug up from storage a few days ago, and it seems pertty obvious that she may have had a little crush on me, as well as a few other not-so-repressed issues.
Don't know why this didn't ring any alarm bells for me at the time:
Title: Some Head Shot to Pieces
Click for bigger.
And then there are these:
Title of Series: Big Paper Cuts
Title: Suicide Blood
Not that she didn't have a sweet side:
Last I heard she was doing fine, so I'm sure she grew out of her teenage angst and inappropriate morbidity. Sadly, she's probably still carrying a torch for me 17 years later. Sigh, that's just the curse I have to live with for being me, I guess.
::: posted by dan at 3:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Since I posted Furry on a carnival ride a few posts back, I figured I should be able to take it as easily as I dish it out, so here is dan, 10 years ago, on the Corkscrew:
I don't think I've ever open-mouth smiled before or since in my life. Sure looks blissful:
::: posted by dan at 3:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
So maybe the dour economic and employment statistics we've been seeing for the last few years are due to all these full-time eBayers? Perhaps we haven't lost any manufacturing jobs at all? You see, they all must just be making their living off of eBay, where the government can't see them?
At least, that's what the vice president would like you to believe.
It's conceptually ridiculous, and it seems as though Cheney has gotten the facts wrong anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I know you guys hate it when I talk politics.
::: posted by dan at 2:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Wednesday, September 08, 2004 :::
This is not fresh news, but just in case you hadn't heard, Steven Seagal's long awaited debut album is soon to be released:
I've heard it, and it's really not all that bad. Seriously, though, it really is that bad. I'll just give you a teaser: think raggae rap.
P.S. Sorry about the consecutive Steven Seagal posts.
UPDATE: If you are so inclined, you can listen to some clips from his CD here.
::: posted by dan at 2:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Culled from the vast arena of awesomeness that is McSweeney's:
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone.
BY MICHAEL WARD
Hair Salon Names That Would Also Work as Steven Seagal Movies
BY CHRIS STECK
The Mane Objective
A Good Day to Dye
By a Hair
A Cut Above
And again, not nearly as funny, but don't forget to keep reading their best list ever: Daily Reasons to Dispatch Bush.
::: posted by dan at 2:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Sunday, September 05, 2004 :::
Get ready to want to barf:
Praying for peace.
::: posted by dan at 2:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Friday, September 03, 2004 :::
Switching hosts to avoid evil bandwidth overage charges. So if the site or the commenting features are wiggy for the next couple days, sorry. Enjoy your labor day weekend.
::: posted by dan at 8:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
So this story was yesterday's big news:
Space signal studied for possible alien contact
So today, of course, I have to watch Contact while I work.
And then I get the bad news:
Mystery Radio Signal 'Not Aliens'
Dammit. I am crestfallen. But I'm still crossing my fingers for the possiblity of a conspiracy or a cover-up. By the way, Contact, both the movie and the book, are hugely underappreciated.
::: posted by dan at 1:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Turns out this ad for KY Jelly is not real. But Johnson & Johnson should hire whomever fabricated it, because I think it gets the point across quite nicely.
::: posted by dan at 11:37 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Thursday, September 02, 2004 :::
I have a feeling that Arnold Swarzenegger writes his own speeches, because they are borderline retarded. The clip I heard on The Daily Show last night went something like this:
"I made uh film callt 'True Lies.' Well dat's whut dey shudt call da Democratic Nashunal Convenshun!" (Followed by a long pause for unworthy applause.)
Ugh. If you could see my eyes right now, they'd be rolling. The guy is a moron who got voted into office just for the novelty of it. The thought of him actually being able to advance his political career is absolutely terrifying. But taking history into account, the following isn't so inconceivable:
After Tuesday night’s rousing RNC speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger and yesterday’s talk of a constitutional amendment that would the allow foreign-born citizens to become president, Republicans have been e-mailing one another lines from an 11-year-old Stallone movie that now may be prophetic... In the 1993 campy sci-fi flick "Demolition Man," Stallone’s character is brought back from the past and has this conversation with Sandra Bullock’s character:
Sandra Bullock: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library.
Stallone: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library?
Bullock: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn’t he an actor when you...
Stallone: But how? He was President?
Bullock: Yes! Even though he wasn’t born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states...
Stallone: I don’ wanna know. President.
::: posted by dan at 10:45 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
Wednesday, September 01, 2004 :::
WWI bodies are found on glacier
The bodies of three Austrian soldiers killed in World War I have been found on an Italian glacier, almost perfectly preserved, an Italian museum says.
"Almost perfectly preserved" means lacking ears. Ewwwww:
::: posted by dan at 1:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Apparently what happens to a girl's body during puberty is a lot more shocking that what happens to a boy's body. Or at least that's what the list of The 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990–2000 would have you believe. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters is #40 on the list, while What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons couldn't even crack the top half.
And apparently Of Mice and Men is banned more often than Madonna's Sex? Huh? I own both books, and I can tell you that one is definitely more shocking than the other. Not that I really care, because anyone who would actually even consider protesting the inclusion of ANY book in a public library is a nutjob anyway.
::: posted by dan at 1:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
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