Monday, April 27, 2009 :::
I've been in Florida over the last couple of weekends for a couple different reasons, and I was walking on a gulf-side public beach yesterday when I came across a half-eaten shark. The top of the shark had been completely bitten off. The bottom half just laid there, being picked apart by scavaging seagulls.
It wasn't a huge shark, really. It may have been four feet long or so when it was fully in tact. But that's probably just long enough to be able to take a big chunk of flesh out of your unsuspecting thigh. And I had been wading in that very same ocean just hours before.
But the real reason I can't stop thinking about that damn shark is because it was bit in half. Meaning something out there was big enough to separate the top half of a four foot shark from its bottom, in one solid chomp. And I thought I had problems with swimming in the ocean before.
Dan reluctantly pets an unrelated live shark.
Similarly, before I left for this weekend's jaunt to Florida I was a panicked rush to pack a bag. In the middle of my packing frenzy, I noticed a dead spider in my basement. It was the single biggest spider I've ever seen in any house that I've ever lived in. It's body alone was the size of a quarter. I couldn't estimate the size of its "wingspan" because it was all curled up and dried out, but I can assure you it was utterly revolting. I didn't have time to clean it up before I left, but being a tad of an arachnophobe, I planned on introducing it to the vacuum cleaner immediately after returning home from my short shark-filled weekend in Clearwater. In fact, I couldn't wait to get home to do it.
But when I got home it was gone, which means something in my house was large enough - or numerous enough - to haul off a gargantuan spider carcass to its lair, probably to feed its ginormaous, swarming brood. I have little panic attacks when I think about it.
For the same reason I ain't going back into the ocean after seeing that shark carrion, I'm not exactly comfortable sleeping in my own bed right now. I'm sure that the reality of whatever beast carried off that dead spider is probably not nearly as bad as I'm imagining it to be, but at this point I'm ready to put my house up for sale.
Speaking of grody dead things, this fly accompanied me on one of my recent flights. It was deceased, yet fully-grown, and somehow caught between the protective panes of glass and plastic that are supposed to keep me from being sucked out into the sub-zero atmosphere.
The adventurous stowaway.
Staring at it for two solid hours, I wavered between an odd/cheesy sense of Pixaresque whimsy (in that this tiny little creature must have been so excited to truly experience the flight of a lifetime) and nauseous disgust.
But then my head goes strange places under the influence of multiple Bloody Mary's.
::: posted by dan at 9:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Friday, April 24, 2009 :::
One of the main reasons I never want kids is that their so helpless. They can't do a darned thing for themselves. They need constant assistance.
For another example...
For yet another example...
Okay, maybe that last one was unnecessary, but honestly, who's got the time?
::: posted by dan at 12:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Sunday, April 19, 2009 :::
I went on a sunset cruise aboard the Adirondack II off the coast of Key West last night. It was quite an adventure.
The wind was roaring and the surf was choppy and the sea was unforgiving. People started barfing almost immediately. Somehow, I always seemed to know when to turn my head just in time to catch someone hurling over the bow. And anyone who knows dan knows that he's prone to a bit of motion sickness himself. But I didn't want to be that guy. You know: the guy that that barfs over boat bows. So I desperately tried to keep my cool.
I was totally fine until the halfway point, about an hour into the cruise, where the was no sign of land, a howling wind in my ears, sea spray on my face, and sickness all around me. Most people on the boat were either barfing or fall-down drunk. The barfers were getting their own vomit all caught in their hair. The fall-down drunks were hitting on the barfers. My stomach was starting to turn for various reasons.
Through sheer concentration and self-control, I barely managed to maintain the integrity of my stomach, and before everyone knew it the sun had set, the ride was over, and the barfers were getting enticed back to the fall-down drunks' hotel rooms, with the alluring promise of "leftover fish."
Overall, you could say it was a very memorable experience.
::: posted by dan at 3:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Friday, April 17, 2009 :::
I miss you guys!
No Animated Friday today! I'm too busy soaking up the sun and being the whitest person within a 300 mile perimeter!
I'll be back soon!
::: posted by dan at 5:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Wednesday, April 15, 2009 :::
This might be the awesomest thing I've ever played with on the internet, although you need sound, and for some reason I can only get it to work in Firefox:
The Tone Matrix
What's even cooler:
Copy this line of numbers (Highlight and Ctrl+C), then go back to the Tone Matrix, right-click and select Paste for a special treat.
::: posted by dan at 11:22 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 :::
Sometimes the internet is awesome. Okay, mostly the internet is awesome.
And it's fun to play along:
e.g. If you watch The Shining backwards, it's about a man who is unfortunately stuck in a hedge maze that is driving him mad, until he finally finds his way out, right back into the arms of his loving family. Although his living quarters are drastically downgraded in the process.
If you watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind backwards, it's the exact same movie.
::: posted by dan at 11:58 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Friday, April 10, 2009 :::
Lesson one: riding a bike requires a minimum amount of multitasking.
Lesson two: never trust your siblings.
Lesson three: it's always best to turn the other cheek.
Speaking of trusting your siblings...
I have vivid memories of a game my sisters used to play with me when I was about four years old that involved blindfolding me and leaving me in unknown places while warning me about certain unavoidable death if I stayed there, and at the same time tricking me into thinking I'd also die if I moved a muscle. It went something like this:
After closing me behind a fence gate with the sound of a dog barking in the distance: "We just accidentally locked you in Bruto's kennel, danny. Bruto is a big black doberman with a taste for blood. That's him barking in the background! He's barking because he knows you've invaded his territory! We're going to run and hide, but maybe if you stand real still he'll only bite you a few times!!!!!"
Or, after balancing me on a broken wagon wheel in some unsuspecting neighbor's backyard: "Oh my god danny, you've walked right onto a bear trap! It's old and rusty and we don't know how long it will hold! If you even move an inch it will surely snap and cut you in two!!!!!"
Or, after placing me barefoot in the middle of a patch of sharp piercing grass and spiky burrs: "Danny! You've stepped into a gigantic beehive! You're walking all over them and they are getting angry! Stand really still or they will swarm and sting you to death! Oh my god I can hear them coming!!!!!"
It was a lot of fun. For some reason it never even occurred to me that I could take off the blindfold.
::: posted by dan at 7:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Wednesday, April 08, 2009 :::
Every once in a while, but not often, I bump into someone on the street who recognizes me as planetdan, and it's never the exciting ego-boosting moment that I always imagine it will be. In fact, it's quite the opposite, because I can usually see the wave of disappointment as it washes over their face.
My first instinct is to blame the physical features that I hate most about myself: my short height in contrast to my extra-large head, my so-white-it's-almost-transparent skin, my bad posture, my less-than-manly voice, etc. My mind's eye exaggerates these features in my head and I start imagining the view that these other people must be having of me, and it's usually akin to some sort of hair-lipped beggar dwarf.
But in general I'm not a terribly insecure person. I know that I'm a little goofy looking in my proportions, but it's not like I'm Lyle Lovett or something. The point is that I'd like to turn the tide on this phenomenon, because the palpable sense of disappointment I feel during these random encounters isn't exactly edifying to my slightly-fragile self-image.
I figure it's my own fault. I tend to avoid posting unflattering pictures of myself on here, and the web isn't exactly the easiest format to accurately gauge some one's physical attributes. Perhaps the limitations of the internet in combination with my own pride has created some unrealistic expectations. I think I've been doing myself a disservice by posting only the least-ugly photos of myself online, and it's time to do a little damage control.
So from now on, I would really appreciate it if you would imagine me as a cross-eyed hydrocephalic oaf with an awkward disposition and a speech impediment. That way, if and when we ever meet in person, there is no possible way that I could disappoint you. I can only exceed your artificially low expectations. And then hopefully that wave of disappointment that I've become so accustomed to will turn into something that more closely resembles pleasant surprise.
So here's a few gently-altered images of dan to properly set that bar real low. Please burn them into your brain, and I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future:
And yes, I've considered the possibility that it might be my personality and not my looks that is disappointing, but I'd rather not explore that dark territory right now if you don't mind.
::: posted by dan at 6:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Friday, April 03, 2009 :::
The Internet has supplied me with a plethora of new phobias this week, including:
Turtles (bonus related classic clip that will never get old)
And nature, in general:
::: posted by dan at 12:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Thursday, April 02, 2009 :::
I think Jamie Foxx might have pissed off his publicist, cuz somebody ain't spinning this story properly:
To be fair, the headline was later changed to "Fights Off", but the original shall live on via the Internet forever. Nothing will ever be as great as this classic headline, though.
::: posted by dan at 11:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Wednesday, April 01, 2009 :::
I haven't had much time to post lately because I was too busy celebrating my birthday. I managed to make the celebration last two full weeks this year, with a seemingly endless string of dinners, desserts, parties, cakes, happy hours, presents, etc. You might ask why I didn't take a full month to celebrate - and I would congratulate you for asking such a great question - but the answer is: because I'm a giving person. You see, I have friends who also have birthdays in March, and I don't want to be a complete attention hog. The two-week limit was self-imposed entirely out of selflessness.
But here are a few photographic highlights of my birthday weeks:
::: posted by dan at 11:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
my atom/rss feed
Final Destination: Death by Homeownership
Animated Friday (Pets: A Two Parter Edition)!
All Swine Flu-ed Out
Animated Friday (Pets: A Two Parter Edition)!
Stoked & Juked
Back to Normal
beware of the blog
b stacy b
trek geek scott
and far away
the big lug
girls are pretty
more cow bell
world of wonder