Wednesday, April 08, 2009 :::
Every once in a while, but not often, I bump into someone on the street who recognizes me as planetdan, and it's never the exciting ego-boosting moment that I always imagine it will be. In fact, it's quite the opposite, because I can usually see the wave of disappointment as it washes over their face.
My first instinct is to blame the physical features that I hate most about myself: my short height in contrast to my extra-large head, my so-white-it's-almost-transparent skin, my bad posture, my less-than-manly voice, etc. My mind's eye exaggerates these features in my head and I start imagining the view that these other people must be having of me, and it's usually akin to some sort of hair-lipped beggar dwarf.
But in general I'm not a terribly insecure person. I know that I'm a little goofy looking in my proportions, but it's not like I'm Lyle Lovett or something. The point is that I'd like to turn the tide on this phenomenon, because the palpable sense of disappointment I feel during these random encounters isn't exactly edifying to my slightly-fragile self-image.
I figure it's my own fault. I tend to avoid posting unflattering pictures of myself on here, and the web isn't exactly the easiest format to accurately gauge some one's physical attributes. Perhaps the limitations of the internet in combination with my own pride has created some unrealistic expectations. I think I've been doing myself a disservice by posting only the least-ugly photos of myself online, and it's time to do a little damage control.
So from now on, I would really appreciate it if you would imagine me as a cross-eyed hydrocephalic oaf with an awkward disposition and a speech impediment. That way, if and when we ever meet in person, there is no possible way that I could disappoint you. I can only exceed your artificially low expectations. And then hopefully that wave of disappointment that I've become so accustomed to will turn into something that more closely resembles pleasant surprise.
So here's a few gently-altered images of dan to properly set that bar real low. Please burn them into your brain, and I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future:
And yes, I've considered the possibility that it might be my personality and not my looks that is disappointing, but I'd rather not explore that dark territory right now if you don't mind.
::: posted by dan at 6:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
15 previous comments:
We've met and I still think you're rediculously good looking. I feel your pain though, I have fallen victim to the "myspace" method of picture taking (from above, usually in a bathroom) it really is most flattering for me. I even find myself photoshopping out blemishes.
What have we become?
By sarah, at 8:29 AM
wait, did you enhance your nips in the first pic?
i hadn't thought of that.
By sarah, at 8:32 AM
Yes I did. Big grody pokey male nipples seem kinda gross so I figured anyone who might meet me in public would feel grateful to realize I don't actually have them.
I doubt there is a photo of me on here that hasn't been tweaked with photoshop in some way. Usually I am trying to blur out my shiny nose and forehead - the "Greasy T Zone" as my dermatologist calls it...
By dan, at 8:51 AM
hahahaha! good one.
By eff you blogger, i want to delete my account, at 2:15 PM
You're hilarious. I'd love to run into you some day!
By , at 4:52 PM
broski, I'd freakin' go NUTS (in a quiet, understated way) if I saw you on the street (if you happen to come to Boston). I'd casually and probably in a non-spastic way be all "omg! it's Dan! Dan the man, n shiat". You're one funny bastard, and well...drop a line if you come to Boston. Anything else I say will make me sound like an utter, drooling tard.
- patently absurd (sadly, I can't remember my GoogleyMoogley password, so, I'm am tarded and sad.
By patently-absurd, at 7:38 PM
Don't be so hard on yourself. I find you rather cute, and you'd still be cute with a shiny t-zone. If you didn't have an awesome personality I doubt I'd be checking your blog on a daily basis. I'm very happily married for many years and I would still love to meet you some day dan. I'm sure our paths will never cross. I've never even been to your part of the country. I rarely leave NY and I'm so oblivious that if I passed you on the streets of manhattan I wouldn't realize it was you till 15 minutes later. You're going to make some woman very happy. A man who can make you laugh is the best catch of all.
By , at 7:43 PM
u make me very happy Dan... I seriously get a ryan secrest vibe from you...and in that first altered image the vibe completly has resurfaced...
the second you look like fat bastard... it makes me uncomfortable
By Stacy, at 10:21 PM
It looks like you are lactating in the first shot.
By Erik, at 10:04 AM
Oh Dan this is great! I think i see a bit of peter griffen in the second pic?
I would love to see you in the street, I think you have a morbid-ish sense of humour in an awesome way and look forward to everything you post. I know no matter what kind of day I am having I will always laugh.
By , at 9:01 PM
I'd, frankly, be disappointed if I met you were weren't wearing your oompa loompa outfit from a few Halloweens ago. And doing that dance from that gif you created. I have high expectations. Please meet them, Dan.
By robertian, at 3:51 PM
as someone who has randomly run into you on the street and recognized you, i must comment. because i did not feel any disappointment when seeing you in person. instead i felt like some kind of weird stalker because i knew who you were but you had no idea who i was. you seemed uncomfortable about being recognized, and then i felt bad for freaking you out like that...
By , at 3:45 PM
At the supervalu? I remember that! I may habe initially been caught off guard, but make no mistake, I was delighted to have been recognized. I'm kind of a whore for attention if you haven't gathered by now. Next time I won't seem so startled, I promise.
By dan, at 5:50 PM
LOL! Dude, don't ever photoshop your face like that again... it's too creepy.
I've had people recognize you when I wear the Dan T you made me. They're very excited I might actually know you. I don't tell them I'm supposedly the "mean" sister you always talk about.
By me, at 4:40 PM
Dan, I am one of your biggest fans! I have been away for a while.. as the job I have now is not as dan-friendly. I just thought of your site today, for no apparent reason. Why did I ever leave!? Within minutes I was cracking up and getting curious looks from those around me. AND I would be delighted to meet you in person.. I'm sure there would be no disappointment. Robertian's comment reminded me of how I found your site. For halloween, I decided to be the Chiquita girl, so I googled this.. and there you were. I've been hooked ever since. :) Angie
By , at 1:19 AM
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