Friday, February 27, 2009 :::
I'm allergic to cats, otherwise I'd probably have one because they are the pet that requires the least amount of work and dedication. And because they are cruel and merciless. For example:
Cats don't share.
Cats won't au pair.
Cats cheap scare.
But on the flipside, cats don't care:
::: posted by dan at 6:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Jack Donaghy and I have the same TV. Jealous much? I was watching 30 Rock yesterday and saw my TV on the TV and it was kind of a trippy experience, so I took a picture of it for posterity:
For some reason that picture reminds me of this picture:
::: posted by dan at 8:15 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Wednesday, February 25, 2009 :::
I mostly work from home. I have a lot of client meetings during the week but there are often long stretches of consecutive days where I just don't have any need to leave the house. Generally on these days, I wake up and begin working immediately. It will be a couple hours before I bother to eat breakfast. A shower is rarely taken prior to 5pm. I'm lucky if I even remember to brush my teeth at all. From an outside perspective, it's probably pretty grody.
I've been telling myself for months - nay, years - that I should recreate my morning routine to start with a cleansing shower and a typical prep schedule. Because honestly - even though I clean myself up good and proper every early evening - if anyone were to stop by my place unannounced during the day they would be appalled at my personal hygiene. For some reason unfortunately, I've never had the motivation to change my wicked ways.
But today I think I've had a breakthrough, by way of General Mills. I happened to catch a glimpse of myself when passing by a mirror this afternoon and noticed a dark blotch on my neck. It was too big to be a spider, so I was able to avoid any momentary panic, but when I looked closer I realized it was a Golden Graham.
A good six hours earlier, I had indeed eaten a bowl of Golden Grahams for breakfast, and apparently a soggy one had slid down my cheek to rest on my neck. I don't remember attacking my bowl of cereal like the Swedish Chef or the Cookie Monster, but somehow I had been sloppy enough to lose track of a graham or two. And by at this point in the afternoon the lone Golden Graham had dried and formed a sugary bond with my skin:
I studied myself in the mirror: unwashed, unshaven, uncombed, wearing yesterday's clothes and this morning's breakfast. I realized that I had sunk way below my own minimum standards for personal upkeep.
I guess I should consider myself lucky that I didn't make one of my typical runs to the bank or to pick up lunch before taking the time to actually look in a mirror ferchrissakes. So tomorrow I turn over a new leaf. Before I begin work in the morning I will shower, put on fresh undies, eat breakfast, and brush my teeth like a normal person.
Or perhaps in light of today's events I should save the shower until after breakfast.
::: posted by dan at 5:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Friday, February 20, 2009 :::
That's what you get for thinking you're sexy...
...on the catwalk.
...on the stripper pole.
...on the dancefloor.
Bonus Friday WTF Addendum:
When I first heard that a shark got out of its tank and jumped into the waterslide at Atlantis' famous Leap of Faith waterslide, I thought it was a bad Jaws-3D joke or something. I mean, you'd think that the park designers would have had more precautions than a foot-high wall separating a shark tank and a swimming pool for humans. But apparently not, which means my worst nightmares were closer to reality than I could have ever thought possible. And apparently there are even pictures just to ensure that my ensuing nightmares are all the more vivid:
[see all the pics at TMZ]
Which all makes me imagine what kind of dialogue must have taken place for such a nightmarish situation to even be possible:
Architect: "I'm envisioning a waterslide that goes down, under, and through a shark tank filled with deadly man-eating reef sharks... wouldn't that be thrilling?"
Moron at the Helm: "Ohmygod we are so doing that."
Architect: "All I have to do to make this dream a reality is devise a way for a waterslide to go under a shark tank but somehow keep them totally separate so that those sharks won't get any of their chocolate in our peanut butter. This is where my skills as an architect will truly shine. I'm thinking a one-foot high divider wall between the shark tank and the waterslide itself should probably do the trick."
Moron at the Helm: "Wait, can sharks jump?"
Architect: "Do they have knees?"
Moron at the Helm: "No."
Architect: "Then they can't jump. Problem solved."
Moron at the Helm: "You had me at 'waterslide through a shark tank'..."
Of course, nobody was in the pool at the time, and the shark died shortly thereafter due to the chlorine, but I'm sure it would have survived more than long enough to take a big ravenous chunk out of some one's thick upper thigh, or to leave a yellow, bloodied inflatable pool-float in its wake. Alex? ALEX?
::: posted by dan at 12:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, February 18, 2009 :::
Now that all that V-Day hoopla is done and over with, I can get back to what I like most: random Internet crap and meaningless anecdotes. So today I will post some visuals that are sure to blow your mind!
Visual Effect #1: Holy Crap It Really is the Big Floating Head of Jesus!
(a.k.a Religious Pareidolia)
I don't know about you, but I can't NOT see that decapitated Jesus head, although if you stare really close you will see that it is actually just a baby in a bonnet and some background brush.
Visual Effect #2: OMG, I'm a Hideous Beast!
(a.k.a The Thatcher Effect)
[automatically rotates every 5 seconds]
Apparently the brain has a hard time detecting features in upside down faces, so the next time you knock over a bank you should do it while walking on your hands. *cue rimshot*
Visual Effect #3: Ahhh! My Eyes!
(a.k.a Make it go away! Make it go away now!)
Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update
DAYS NINETEEN THRU THIRTY
So. Day 30. Still 167 pounds. But I can only assume that I lost ten pounds in fat and gained ten pounds in muscle. I do actually think that I may have lost a little weight in my face, but that's probably just an illusion created by the false confidence I've slowly accumulated simply by NOT sitting on my couch for ten minutes each day.
I'm not giving up yet, though, because if my theory is true then at some point the muscle gain will stop when I don't increase my resistance and that's when the dramatic weight loss will finally become apparent. It really is that simple.
Another "WTF, Tony?!?" moment I had the other day was when I noticed that Tony's 10-Minute countdown clock in the bottom corner of the television screen actually pauses and even adds on time occasionally if it reaches zero before the end of the workout. Ten minutes, my ass.
::: posted by dan at 12:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Saturday, February 14, 2009 :::
I made some of my nieces some personalized valentines to hand out to their classmates this year, and I figured I may as well throw myself into the mix as well:
I contemplated for about one half of a second to make myself appear naked and hugging that illustrated heart with a tantalizing posture and my scrawny limbs poking out from behind, revealing nothing yet igniting imaginations, but the second half of that one second found me thinking better of the idea. But have a sexy Valentine's Day anyway.
::: posted by dan at 12:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Friday, February 13, 2009 :::
It this over-the-top?
And just in case you don't like the sweet and schmaltzy stuff, woot.com is providing some bitter pills to swallow:
You can even download them in a high-quality printable format to hand out to all your "freinemies," or whatever that hip new term for Schadenfreude is.
::: posted by dan at 12:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Thursday, February 12, 2009 :::
The other day there were about a hundred of these mugs at the charity thrift store (where they sell used items and other unwanted treasures from generous donors) for $1.69 each. C-Minus and I contemplated buying one for everyone we knew but we figured that they would all probably end up back at that very same charity thrift store some day - because it's basically where mugs emblazoned with bad jokes go to die - and we didn't want to contribute to that never-ending cycle of madness.
::: posted by dan at 12:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Wednesday, February 11, 2009 :::
Because I'm a romantic at heart. Monkey butt heart.
::: posted by dan at 12:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Tuesday, February 10, 2009 :::
I really do love you, you know.
[buy me at threadless]
Although this not exactly the "one-eyed monster" you might expect to encounter on valentine's day.
::: posted by dan at 12:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Monday, February 09, 2009 :::
I figure a whole week of sugary sweet planetdan love is better than just one lousy day. So I'm offering you a Valentine every day this week, from my heart to yours:
::: posted by dan at 12:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Friday, February 06, 2009 :::
It's probably a good thing that I'm allergic to cat dander and even more so to the responsiblity of owning a dog, because I would probably torture them all day long by tying random things to their tails and filming their reactions:
I thought cats were supposed to have quick reflexes.
I thought dogs weren't supposed to be scaredy cats.
And here is a bonus animated scaredy-GIF that I created myself:
::: posted by dan at 8:31 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Thursday, February 05, 2009 :::
If I were stinky with wealth, I would dedicate an entire wing in my mansion as a gallery to showcase my ability to make outrageously ridiculous purchases, and then I would pack it solid with utter crap and mail-away garbage. I'm sure this would be one of my prized possessions and a gallery highlight:
VHS video? That doll is an antique way before its time.
Speaking of monuments to wasteful spending...
Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update
DAYS ELEVEN THRU EIGHTEEN
I dunno... I'm starting to feel a little silly hopping around my basement for ten minutes a day. And to be honest, I missed days Eleven and Twelve, but I made up for them by doing double routines on the weekend. I'm still not really noticing any difference in my body shape, but again I need to be honest and admit that I've been eating like a cow and drinking like a fish which would make me a creepy cowfish combo and thus: uglier than ever.
Also, Tony has now integrated a ten minute ab routine into the mix and frankly it's a little unrealistic. I don't know anyone who can lie flat on their back and comfortably stick their legs straight up in the air perpendicular to the floor, let alone do it for minutes on end, and I barely even have the energy to make a slut joke about it: something something something difficult legs-up ab routine, something something something Paris Hilton.
I have been sleeping better lately, though.
::: posted by dan at 10:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
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