Friday, November 30, 2007 :::
Man, it's getting late in the day! I almost forgot. Anyway, today's animated GIF comes with a life lesson:
WHEN YOU SEE YOUR OPPORTUNITY, SEIZE IT.
Bonus link: A sure fire way to get your kid to go to law school when they grow up is to name them appropriately.
::: posted by dan at 3:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Sunday, November 25, 2007 :::
I made my annual Xmas Music Mix and launched it this weekend:
I must say, it's the best mix yet:
1. The 12 Days of Xmas - The Joseph & Mary Chain, et al.
2. Merry Xmas & Happy New Year - Martha Wainwright
3. Papa Noel - Brenda Lee
4. Winter Wonderland - Liz Phair
5. Sleigh Ride - The Soulful Strings
6. The Man with All the Toys - Knight & Doble
7. Santa Clause is Coming to Town - Bing Crosby
8. Carol of the Bells - The Carpenters
9. Still Still Still - Sunfall Festival
10. That was the Worst Xmas Ever! - Sufjan Stevens
11. Little Drummer Boy - Iain Archer
12. Fairy Tale of New York - KT Tunstall & Ed Harcourt
13. In Dulce Jublio - Mike Oldfield
14. Have Yourself a Merry Little Xmas - Aimee Mann
15. Jingle Bells - Frank Sinatra
16. Ring Those Xmas Bells - Peggy Lee
17. Santa Clause is Comin’ to Town - Bobby Sherman
18. Jolly Ol’ St. Nick Medly - The Ray Conniff Singers
19. Kings & Things - The Recital
20. What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve? - Henry Mancini
21. 2006 (This Year’s Resolutions) - Hello Saferide
22. Sister Winter - Sufjan Stevens
23. Merry Xmas Everyone - Shakin’ Stevens
I wish I could share it with all of your without breaking a million different copyright laws. If you're crafty, though, you can probably find most of the tunes online for free, and then you can email me and ask me for the high res cover to print for your own collection and we can spend the holiday season knowing that we are enjoying the exact same soundtrack. Unfortunately I didn't have the time or the inspiration to create my own original Xmas tune this year, but you can still download The Kickassiest Christmas from last year, a tune which I have recently submitted to The Great Sufan Xmas Song Xchange contest. I not only expect to win, but I expect to be discovered and launched toward inevitable stardom as a result. See you at that Grammys, bitches!
UPDATE: I added a link to a Jukebox where you can listen to this mix in its entirety. It's in the right column, so click away and enjoy!
::: posted by dan at 5:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
With all the holiday hubbub, I forgot to post some animated GIFs this week. So here they are, and in the spirit of the season, I thought I'd post something sweet:
Got your nose #1!
Got your nose #2!
::: posted by dan at 2:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Saturday, November 24, 2007 :::
I really don't like Thanksgiving dinner. I'd rather eat my own hair. (Oops, nevermind, no I wouldn't - caution do not click to view the images in that link or you'll be sorry...). In recent years my family has skipped the homemade turkey meal for subpar restaurant food at Barnacle Bill's, followed by a madcap game of bowling in the alley that is attached to the aforementioned "restaurant". Unfortunately, or fortunately, or however you look at it, we skipped the Barnacle Bill's visit this year, which means I also missed my annual Madam von Bighair sighting. But we still got in a solid game of bowling:
I had a hard time even cracking 100.
Then on Friday I decorated my house for the upcoming holiday season and my friends and I played Sexy Scrabble, which honestly isn't really all that sexy. As a matter of fact, it can be downright filthy, and with the utter lack of rules and poor phonetic spelling, the playing field can get unwieldy, and disturbingly GROSS:
I hope that doesn't shatter the innocent thoughts you had about me. Here are some more pictures from the evening.
In fact, I updated my whole Pics section, if you're at all innerested...
I'm not sure if I apologize more for that hair-eating link up top or the filthy scrabble picture. Let's just play it safe: sorry for both.
::: posted by dan at 5:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Monday, November 19, 2007 :::
As Kmack's Mantron of Honor, I had to throw her a bachelorette party this weekend. Here is the evidence:
Click on the image for the full photo album, and no that picture above wasn't posed. I have no idea what I was doing at the time but it was candid. It must have been a good party because everyone woke up embarrassed and we're still hungover two days later.
::: posted by dan at 6:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
For the bachelorette party I threw last weekend, I used my extensive backlog of embarrassing Kmack photos to whip up some saucy party buttons for handing out to attendants, attendees, and random people:
I also made up T-shirts for everyone to wear:
And of course, I went shopping at Sex World for some dirty gifts. The sales there were spectacular:
But I settled for some Anal Beads and Butt Wipes. Ain't I the best Mantron of Honor, like, ever?
::: posted by dan at 5:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Friday, November 16, 2007 :::
It's all a crap shoot.
Sometimes you get what you deserve.
Sometimes you get what you don't deserve.
::: posted by dan at 12:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Thursday, November 15, 2007 :::
I got a speeding ticket a couple weeks ago, and just like everyone else here at Shawshank, I am totally innocent. But that's beside the point. The point is that I had to spend two hours waiting to see a hearing officer at the government center to try and talk my way out of it.
In the waiting room, sandwiched between an angry loud woman who's bottom gut was pouring over into my seat and an unbathed man who was working on coughing up a substance that sounded to consist mostly of pure solids, I could only wonder if it was worth it. But I was too self rightous to admit defeat.
When the angry loud woman asked me where Hennepin Avenue was and I responded, "Downtown," she erupted with an even louder "I know Hennepin's downtown! You don't gotta tell me Hennepin's downtown! Everyone know's Hennepin's downtown!" With her insane yelps being directed at me, suddenly I was the center of everyone's attention, and for the first time I realized that everyone there looked either deathly ill or drunk and beligerent. It was like a hospital ward mixed with a holding cell.
I would have found the whole experience entertaining had it been beneficial to me at all. When I finally got to the hearing officer, she told me there was nothing she could do for me except schedule a court date later in December. Then when I got back to the government center parking ramp, I discovered that it costs $21 for two hours of parking, a billing practice I will henceforth refer to as "that whole crock of shit." No wonder they don't take appointments at the hearing office, ensuring that their average wait time is well over two hours.
Not that I think they should make it easy to get out of a speeding ticket, but there seems to be issues with efficiency in that government office (surprise), and I should be able to leave their waiting room without developing a skin rash or contracting the flu. All I know is that I'll be driving at a prudent ten miles per hour BELOW the speed limit from now on, thank you very much.
So I guess, in that sense, I learned a bigger lesson than whatever a $142 speeding ticket could ever teach me. But I refuse to admit I learned anything at all right now, because I'm officially in full-on eff-the-police mode.
And I'm attaching this picture of a two-faced pig for no reason whatsoever.
::: posted by dan at 4:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Wednesday, November 14, 2007 :::
I'm just dropping in to say Hi and Bye. I'm too busy playing Super Mario Galaxy and counting down to the premiere of Project Runway to post.
Ciao for now. I'll post more when I resurface.
::: posted by dan at 5:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Friday, November 09, 2007 :::
I'm not exactly sure if these images are technically suitable for viewing at work or not. I don't think there were any naughty bits showing, but with all those folds I was never quite sure what I was looking at. Also: do not operate heavy machinery while watching these animated GIFs.
Hypnotic Motion - Male
Hypnotic Motion - Female
Suddenly Abdominal Etching doesn't seem so bad after all.
::: posted by dan at 3:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Thursday, November 08, 2007 :::
There's an employee at my bank who thinks I am someone else. The first few times it happened he would just approach me from afar with a confident walk, waving his hand in the air, and bellow "Hey, man!" with way too much enthusiasm for a casual acquaintance. It would always catch me off guard, and I'd have to look over my shoulder to see if he was in fact talking to someone else standing directly behind me, but there was never anyone else there. He would usually traverse about half of the distance between us before his face would suddenly change and his hand would drop and he would mutter disappointedly, "Oh sorry, man, I thought you were someone else."
This happened way too many times to count. The same scenario acting itself out ad nauseum. Eventually he seemed to restrain himself. Rather than speed-walking in my direction, he simply started to wave at me from behind his counter. But the wave was still accompanied by an enthusiastic "Hey, man!" and the smile was still way too big. Being the polite guy that I am, I always waved back, which probably only helped to perpetuate the problem.
But after a couple years, it got to the ridiculous point where it was happening every time I went to the bank, so I decided that he had finally become aware of his problem, and that this tradition of waving and smiling was just an acknowledgement of his past foolishness. Almost like an inside joke between the two of us. It was as if we had a secret handshake. I became so certain that he was in on the joke that one day I made a goofy wink grin, gun-pointed at him with my index finger, said "Hey man, long time no see!", and followed it up with a laugh so that he knew I was kidding. I got nothing but an awkward smile in return, but I didn't think much of it.
Then today I went to deposit a couple checks. The second I walked in the door I heard "Hey, man!" and I looked up to see him yet again speed-walking in my direction, this time with his hand held out as if he was expecting a shake. At first I thought that maybe he was just taking my previous lame joke one step further and he was really committing to the bit. But this time he didn't stop. He walked right up and I was forced to offer him my hand in return, still unsure if he was pulling my leg. Then he said: "So how's your sister?"
I laughed, hoping this was all a part of our secret in joke. But he just stared back at me. At first I thought he had the best poker face ever, but then it slowly started to dawn on me that I had clearly invented our entire inside-joke-based relationship in my head. I couldn't be sure, so I just said "My sister?" And he said, "Yeah, man, how's she doin'? I ain't seen her in ages!" So I slowly responded, "You know my sister?" His smile faded, his hand released mine, and he took a step back.
"Sorry, man, I thought you were someone else," he said and walked away without even the slightest acknowledgement that this had been happening for YEARS now, dozens upon dozens of times. It kind of made me sad to realize that we weren't the buddies I thought we were. And it makes me insanely curious to see this mysterious fella, who is apparently my exact doppelganger, so that I can know exactly how crazy this bank employee really is.
Next time he waves at me I'm going to give him the finger. He'll wonder why his good ol' pal has turned on him and how such a jerk can have such a cool sister. The word will spread and my doppelganger will get a bad reputation around town. I win. In your face, doppelganger. I'm clearly the better me!
::: posted by dan at 5:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Wednesday, November 07, 2007 :::
At what point does cosmetic surgery cross the line into outright lying? I think it's when you have to fake your six-pack:
An Abdominal Etching Gallery, for the curious.
::: posted by dan at 7:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Friday, November 02, 2007 :::
Stupid is as stupid does:
Ever been to Bangkok?
Speaking of tailpipes:
::: posted by dan at 12:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
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