Monday, June 30, 2008 :::
As an extra special treat, I brought some sugar-free jelly beans to a recent employee meeting. My coworker expressed surprise and said something about how I was being risky, and I was confused as to why she would say such a random thing. "Risky how?" I asked, so she whispered gently back, "those sugar-free things will give you diarrhea."
I was incredulous, but she directed me to a warning right on the package:
8 beans or less. I wonder if that ninth bean would send you over the edge? Luckily, I had only consumed three before the truth was revealed to me.
Now, I'd heard of fat-free potato chips and things causing "anal leakage", but this was new to me. Who eats just 8 beans? Why would anyone who knew this ever buy these beans? Why would they even manufacture them in the first place? Who on earth wants to eat diarrhea beans? Are the 50 calories you might save by choosing sugar-free over the regular old Jelly Bellies really worth getting butt rockets?
I think not.
::: posted by dan at 5:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Sunday, June 29, 2008 :::
I dropped out of Greasy Cooter Kickball (oops! apparently that site has been "suspended", whatever that means) a few seasons ago. There's just something about playing kickball at the age of 33 that seems a little uncool. So it would seem that it would break down like this:
Ages When Playing Kickball is Cool:
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29
Ages When You Are Pushing It:
4, 5, 19, 20, 30, 31, 32
Ages When Playing Kickball is Not Cool:
1, 2, 3, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 33 - 85
I'm guessing it ain't cool after 85, either, but at least at that point you'd get to take advantage of that "old dude playing kickball" thing, which could be a nice attention-grabber. I'll let you know. As for T-bone, he's only 32 so he's still going strong, although he's riding bitch now:
::: posted by dan at 3:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Friday, June 27, 2008 :::
Sometimes we are lucky where embarrassing spills are caught on more than one camera and we get to debate which angle is funnier!
::: posted by dan at 4:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Thursday, June 26, 2008 :::
Dunno why, but I thought these were funny.
::: posted by dan at 12:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Monday, June 23, 2008 :::
My friend J-Balls was telling us a story about how she had been training for an upcoming half-marathon by jogging around the lake with a friend when she passed local celebrity/weatherman Sven Sundgaard. Not one to be star-struck, she never broke her stride and just kept on running.
When coming around the bend of the lake for a second lap, they noticed Sven again. Only this time he was kneeling down on the side of the path taking a picture of a turtle coming out of a hole in the ground. As J-Balls jogged by the scene, Sven made some joke about "Snapper, anyone?", which still doesn't make much sense to me, but the girls tittered a bit and kept on running.
After their brief encounter with the famous weatherman and the turtle, J-Ball's friend said "Oh, we should have stopped and asked him what the weather is going to be like for the run this weekend," to which my confused response was, "Why would the turtle know?"
Yes, I realize it was a stupid response and that it was pretty obvious from the story that she was referring to the meteorologist and not the turtle, but in my defense she was a tad vague with her pronoun choice. And actually, I was focusing too much on the "turtle in a hole" aspect of the story, which I was somehow relating to a groundhog coming out of a hole and seeing its shadow to predict the weather. So in all actuality, my brain was working overtime to come up with such a idiotic response, not undertime.
My brain is just TOO efficient, you see.
::: posted by dan at 12:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
I went to Duluth to watch my friends run a half marathon this weekend. Watching marathons has turned into nothing more than a "spot the bloody nipples" event for me. It's like going to NASCAR just for the crashes.
But actually my friends did an impressive job running the half marathon and completely avoided any bloody nipples of their own; probably because we made them such awesomely motivating signs:
But mostly we just ate, drank, and fed the seagulls:
You might think that missing a leg would be a major detriment for a seagull, but I bet that thing gets a TON of pity food. Look at him. You can almost see him milking it for all it's worth. I wouldn't have been surprised to see him shed a single shiny tear, just for effect.
Anyway, congratulations ladies.
::: posted by dan at 8:02 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Sunday, June 22, 2008 :::
Uh oh, I'm screwed.
The good news is that if this were a game of sinner Bingo, I could totally win. I'm not gonna tell you how, though. I'm obviously setting myself up for some wicked comments with this post, but whatever.
::: posted by dan at 8:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Sunday, June 15, 2008 :::
I didn't find this, and I don't know who did so I can't give credit, but doesn't the Daily Mirror have editors? Anyway, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
And this image is seemingly unrelated, but it just further illustrates the fact that poor design can have disastrous results:
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
::: posted by dan at 6:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Friday, June 13, 2008 :::
I've decided to label both of these animated GIFs as "near misses", even though their depictions are almost exactly opposite of each other, because the accepted use for the term "near miss" doesn't make a lick of sense. By definition of the words, a "near miss" would mean you actually almost missed something, which would mean you actually did hit something. Right?
Lucky Near Miss
Unlucky Near Miss
Apparently that second one was from a police cam during a high speed chase, so you don't have to feel too bad for the person.
::: posted by dan at 4:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Tuesday, June 10, 2008 :::
I got a belated Christmas present this week. My friend got herself a new set of breast implants, and they had to remove the old ones. Somehow, I ended up being the lucky recipient of one discarded fake boob:
I was a little disturbed by the concept at first, but I was assured it had been thoroughly cleaned and sanitized. That's when fascination took over.
It's nothing like I would have expected, actually. In fact, I have a few impressions to share:
1. It doesn't seem exactly bust-proof (no pun intended). Meaning: it feels like it could easily explode if I simply tossed it at the wall, or if it collided with a deployed air bag or something, but I'm not about to squeeze it until it bursts to find out.
2. All those Law & Order and CSI shows are full of BS. They are always identifying Jane Doe bodies on that show from "serial numbers" on implants. There are no serial numbers to be found anywhere on this thing. I call foul.
3. It's got air in it, which makes it all sloshy. I was surprised by this fact because you wouldn't think that a girl would want to sound like a bra-full of water balloons if she was running around or bouncing or something. She claims it didn't have any air in it when they first removed it, which leads me to believe that it's either leaking or that it's somehow evaporating outside of its rubbery shell. Whatever the case me be, it wouldn't make me feel too confident about breast implants in general if I were a lady.
Right now it adorns my mantle. I was going to use it as a paperweight, unless someone else has a better idea? It probably won't be around forever, though, considering the mysteriously vanishing fluid issue.
Oh, and for the record, her replacement implants look very nice indeed.
ps. I fear what this post will do to my targeted website ads on the right. I guess we can only wait and see.
::: posted by dan at 10:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments
Saturday, June 07, 2008 :::
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of a whore for attention. "Whore" is maybe too strong a word. Perhaps I'm just slutty for attention. Whatever the case may be, I used to get a lot of traffic to my blog because of my Senior Pics satire site. But I had to take that down for legal reasons. Then I got a lot of attention for the Falling Bush screensaver. But that cat is almost out of office and I'm beginning to see that candle dimming. So in not-so-quiet desperation, and as a lame attempt to keep my new readership rates up for at least another four years, I've created Falling Obama:
I tried to dress him in the preferred attire from his "Barry" days:
Initially I had decked him out with an afro and everything, but for some reason I was afraid that people would think I was trying to make him look like a pimp and accuse me of racism or something, so I wussed out. And don't worry, I plan on coming up with something new and brilliant to quench my irrational thirst for attention, too. Any day now.
If you think that is creepy, you should see what what I did with McCain.
::: posted by dan at 11:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Friday, June 06, 2008 :::
Sure, his awkward swing is funny alone, but it's the failed outburst coda that is truly the cherry on top:
Golf just ain't your game, my friend.
It's sorta like my friend, who shall remain nameless, who recently took quite a tumble while chasing a ball during a casual game of tennis. It was one of those long, drawn-out uncontrollable run/stumbles that ended in a violent collapse of flailing limbs and clanging tennis rackets, and she was quite embarrassed afterwards. But not as embarrassed as when she realized that the impact had made her wet herself.
::: posted by dan at 11:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, June 04, 2008 :::
I wanted to use my mad photoshop skillz to try to replicate the nausea-inducing effect of this drunk driving poster, but I don't think it works as well on such a small scale. Either that, or my photoshop skillz just ain't what they used to be:
Regardless, the message still rings true.
::: posted by dan at 10:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Tuesday, June 03, 2008 :::
Nature is beautiful.
And stupid as f#@k.
I actually saw this happening at the zoo once. It was in a reptile exhibit specifically for kids to learn and fondle and pet, but one poor snake was eating its own tail. Our snake expert tourguide kept unwrapping the snake and pulling its tail free, but the stupid thing kept curling right back up to devour itself. Or maybe it wasn't so stupid after all. Maybe it just hated that lame plexiglass box and all those sweaty little kid fingers.
On a side note, it was on that very same field trip to the zoo that I watched a monkey pound himself in his privates for like twenty minutes. It didn't look all that pleasant but the monkey didn't seem to mind. The little girl next to me asked her guardian what the monkey was doing and the guy replied, "That's how monkeys communicate, it's like sign language." Back then that seemed like a good enough explanation, but I just hope that poor little girl never has to communicate with the deaf herself, because someone should warn her she might be giving off some mixed signals.
::: posted by dan at 8:59 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
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