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Monday, January 31, 2005 :::

I wonder if Tobey Maquire is envious.

Why does this toy make me feel so uneasy? I think something other than his spidey sense is tingling.

[FP]

Buy it for your little one today.


::: posted by dan at 10:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Ew.

Man, I wouldn't last a second as a detainee at Guantanamo. But I'm not trying to make a joke. If the other Muslims are hearing stories like this, then no wonder they hate Americans.

Sex used to break Muslim prisoners, book says

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico - Female interrogators tried to break Muslim detainees at the U.S. prison camp in Guantanamo Bay by sexual touching, wearing miniskirts and thong underwear and in one case smearing a Saudi manís face with fake menstrual blood, according to an insiderís written account...



::: posted by dan at 10:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Saturday, January 29, 2005 :::

Forever Immortalized on the Web

People should be more prudent with what pictures they allow people to take, especially when they are in embarrassing costume. And especially when the internet exists.

Elektra:


Sailor Moon:


Pocahontas:


Oops, wait, that last one is me and K-mack circa 1994. Hmmmm, I guess I wasn't very sensitive to cultural stereotypes back then. Tomahawk chop!


::: posted by dan at 10:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Startling Discoveries

I've been doing some massive reorganization and cleaning of my house lately. I've gotten into spaces and crevices that I've never seen or touched since I bought the place three years ago. Today in the far back of an attic closet I was very unhappy to make a startling discovery: a near-empty bottle of KY Jelly. Out of all the things the previous owners could have left behind for me to find years later, a used-up bottle of KY Jelly is probably one of my least favorites. Of course I had a good solid grasp on the bottle before I even realized what it was. I was going to take a picture of the bottle to prove it, but I didn't want to touch it any more than I already had. And I don't even want to know how it got into the very back of that closet.

I also found this pretty painting:



I'm not sure I understand the symbolism. Heat melts peace? Peace is waxy?


::: posted by dan at 8:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Du rag.

An online novelty shop is selling this item because the misprint on the label says "tit" rather than "it", but I think the funnier part is the lame white guy on the cover. That dude could be my dentist. Man was he the wrong model for the job.



The cap is obviously not made out of down, so I can only assume they mean that you are "down" if you wear it. Right? I don't know. I think just asking that question means that I am definitely not "down".


::: posted by dan at 8:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Thursday, January 27, 2005 :::

Without cleanliness there can be no real attractiveness.

Apparently throughout history, America has needed some help with its hygiene. Posters were made to promote such virtues as rubbing yourself with a coarse towel for four minutes and avoiding that vixen of death we call syphilis. If you're too lazy to sift through the archive above, then click on the samples below to view a few of my personal favorites:





::: posted by dan at 5:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, January 26, 2005 :::

World's Awesomest Belt Buckle

Should I take the fact that this LED Scrolling Text IcedOut Belt Buckle already has my name on it as a sign? It's practically calling me to purchase it. $119.00 can get you a lot of bling these days.



Man, that is sharp.


::: posted by dan at 1:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Tuesday, January 25, 2005 :::

Yo Quero Self-Righteous Indignance

The Onion is thought provoking as well as funny. For instance, until today I didn't realize how much Condoleeza Rice looks like the Taco Bell dog:

On The Rice Confirmation
"Great. Now the public face of U.S. diplomacy is that of a pissed-off terrier."
óTed Ramos, Upholsterer




Sometimes I amaze myself with my own impressive photoshoppery.


::: posted by dan at 4:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Making my nightmares a reality.

I'll never get over my fear of swimming in the ocean if I keep seeing like this:

Tsunami washes ashore some bizarre-looking sea creatures

This pic is the one that makes me gag the least, so honestly you should go look at some of the other sick shit that the ocean throws up:



::: posted by dan at 4:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Care Bears are Creepy

Yuppiepunk.org has an interesting Serial Killer Art Review. Most of them are just your typical junior high tattoo fantasy type of drawings, but a couple aren't so bad. These are my favorites, by Charles Manson and Herbert Mullen:



But this one is by far the creepiest:



[thank pimpsmax fer the link]


::: posted by dan at 3:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Return of the Gilmore Girls

Finally, the long wait is over. Tonight's "fresh" new episode of The Gilmore Girls looks like it could be a good one, as Christopher visits Rory at Yale.

In other Gilmore Girls news, they managed to dodge the FCC bullet the other day. Apparently, talking about nudity is considered indecent in some circles. I wonder how the "Parents Television Council" reacted when Rory lost her virginity to a married man at age 19, or when Lorelie slept with Luke on their first date, or when Rory suggested that mousy girls are the loudest during sex. But I suppose as long as they aren't talking about nudity, then it's perfectly decent. Sent to me by B*:

FCC Denies 36 Indecency Complaints
Federal regulators on Monday denied 36 complaints of broadcast indecency in connection with popular TV shows like "Friends," "The Simpsons," and "Gilmore Girls." The complaints to the Federal Communications Commission were all filed by the Parents Television Council, a conservative watchdog group...

...There were multiple complaints about a November 2003 episode of "Gilmore Girls." In one scene, a character's grandfather reminisces about college pranks involving nudity. In another, two college students discuss an incident in which a male student who was nude spent the night in a dorm hallway. A complaint over "The Simpsons" included a scene in which students carried picket signs with the phrases "What would Jesus glue?" and "Don't cut off my pianissimo."


::: posted by dan at 1:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

I woke up mad at Clint Eastwood this morning.

I'm crabby today, and for some reason Clint Eastwood is the object of my anger. The Oscar Nominations were released today and he was nominated not only for Best Director and Best Picture, but Best Actor for Million Dollar Baby. Now I understand Best Director even if I don't agree with it, because he seems to be able to get good performances out of his actors, and I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby yet, so I'll reserve judgment on the Best Picture nomination. But Best Actor?

His greatest accomplishment as an actor seems to be that he's the kind of guy that macho men can idolize without feeling too gay. Besides that, all he does is grunt in a low voice through his clenched teeth without ever inflecting, turning his head, or revealing any undercurrent of emotion. Then he raises an eyebrow. Performance complete. So he took off his shirt in Bridges of Madison County. Big deal. He's a wooden board on screen. A granite sculpture. He's not an actor.

Mystic River sucked. It was a second-rate mystery thriller unfairly disguised as a loftier morality play. It betrayed itself unforgivably in the end. If it wasn't for Sean Penn, nobody would've given that crap a second glance.

Then a few weeks ago, Clint Eastwood threatened to kill Michael Moore. Sure, he was half-kidding, but that "go ahead, make my day" macho mentality crap was past its prime decades ago. I'm not the hugest Michael Moore fan on the planet, either, but that idiotic stunt put Clint Eastwood in the dangerous position of usurping Charlton Heston's current post as America's biggest insufferable old curmudgeon.

Now Clint gets nominated at the expense of Paul Giamatti from Sideways and Jim Carrey from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or even Topher Grace from In Good Company. I guess it's not his fault for being nominated. There's nothing he can do about the fact that he's earned more respect than he deserves in Hollywood. But like I said, I woke up crabby today, and he's really bugging me.


::: posted by dan at 10:13 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, January 24, 2005 :::

Demon BBQ

Minneapolis, along with half the country, survived some violently productive snowstorms last weekend, which sucked, but imagine if you woke up to find this on your back porch:


[FP]

It's not my demon BBQ, I just found the pic online. My patio is demon free. Or at least I assume it is.


::: posted by dan at 8:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Big Big Big Big Big Big Big Big Big Mac

In response to stacy b's post about the 19 year-old girl who ate the eleven pound hamburger, I found this picture online to give you an idea of what such a ginormous burger looks like:



Not sure why he needs the helmet, but good luck buddy.


::: posted by dan at 8:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Where's George?

I've been entering all my dollar bills at Wheresgeorge.com lately, which is a dollar bill tracking site, and one of them recently showed up in Saint Peters, Missouri. Another one popped up in Isanti by way of Lakeville, which isn't so long a trip but it's fascinating nonetheless.

All you do is enter the serial number of the bill and where you got it and perhaps a little note to go with it. For example, I noted the following:

I got this bill for change at a bar in downtown Minneapolis last night on new year's eve. It's now being used to buy hangover pizza on new year's day.

So I've been defacing dollar bills left and right by writing "Please track me at Wheresgeorge.com" on all of them. I'm really proud of my Missouri dollar. Who knows where it will show up next. I wonder if I will ever see it again. I miss you, B4768-8B. Till we meet again.


::: posted by dan at 7:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Saturday, January 22, 2005 :::

Scissor Sisters

I braved a snowstorm to FINALLY see The Scissor Sisters live last night, and wow, they put on a really good show. Continuing on with my series of bad camera-phone concert pics where it's too blurry and far away to see anything so the point of posting them becomes lost anyway:



It was honestly one of the best shows I've ever seen. And again, I got another concert T-shirt to add to my seldomly worn concert T-shirt collection, but this one has a better chance of being worn than most of the others, even though it's pink and currently smells like a pee-filled ashtry.




::: posted by dan at 1:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Loathsome People

This is a little late, but I really like year end lists. This one is well-written and funny, especially the part where they describe Dick Cheney as "the kind of guy who starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the lifeboat."

From The Beast:
The 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004

I think Jerry Falwell has already gotten a jumpstart on his placement in next year's list, now that he's using aid donations to convert the Tsunami victims.


::: posted by dan at 1:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Save Me Jebus

This is the Gliding Jesus Action Figurine that J-Wack got me for Xmas. Someone requested a picture of it at one time. He's made a new friend.




::: posted by dan at 1:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Thursday, January 20, 2005 :::

Planetdan: A Year in Review

This graph from SiteMeter indicates Page Views and Page Visits on the planetdan blog index in 2004, and then out of curiosity I added stars to indicate the benchmark postings that got me the most hits:


1. Passion Parade

2. The Olsen Twizins

3. Dan is a Local Celebrity Whore

4. Senior Pics Gallery (all gone... boooo!)

5. The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

6. Political pandering at its finest!

7. My Baby Likes Menthols

8. 8 Days

9. An Oopma Loompa Halloween

10. Monster Thickburger

11. Wifebeaters

I don't know why some of those posts were popular, because some of them are admittedly pretty lame. It's clear that the Senior Pics gallery was the most popular, especially since the actual hits on those pages aren't even calculated on this chart (this chart only indicates hits on the blog index page). Too bad it no longer exists, because that was a traffic magnet.

I still get daily hits on my site from people searching for Whale Penis, Oompa Loompa, and Accidental Nudity, although I don't know where that last one comes from.


::: posted by dan at 3:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell

From McSweeney's.net:

The Five People You Meet in Hell.
BY LITSA DREMOUSIS

1. Your co-worker Lynn who dates an alcoholic bartender and insists, "He's too smart for his own good."

2. Your neighbor Sean who claims he's "a poet like Brautigan" when he's merely evicted.

3. Your friend's dad who says, "Let me tell ya how we did things back in Philly."

4. Miss Weber, your third-grade teacher with camel toe.

5. Gene Hackman. That guy is everywhere.


I'll add Mitch Albom to that list.


::: posted by dan at 1:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

The new Tinky Winky.

SpongeBob is so totally gay.

Man, people are dumb.


::: posted by dan at 10:17 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, January 19, 2005 :::

Steverino

The guy in front of me at the supermarket checkout today first got my attention because he was wearing a nametag that said Steverino. It didn't have a place of employment on it or anything like that, it just had the name. He was wearing a football jersey and sweats, so he looked normal enough for that part of town, except that he was buying a LOT of fresh fish fillets. Like $80 worth. The checkout guy said something to the effect of "Man, I think you probably cleaned us out of fish!" and Steverino simply replied, "Yeah, I got paid last Friday." Then he lifted his jersey collar over his mouth, and blew his nose on the inside of it. It wasn't just a quick dab at a running nose either, it was a long, heavy, wet-sounding full-on phlegm evacuation, after which he caught me staring at him. I thought he was going to act all embarrassed and try to recover from doing such a disgusting thing in public, but nope. Instead he asked me for a quarter. I didn't have one.

I don't know if this story has a moral, but it was gross because I happened to be buying a birthday cake with bavarian custard dribbled all over the top of it. Steverino totally ruined my appetite.


::: posted by dan at 11:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Tuesday, January 18, 2005 :::

Why I heart the interweb.

1. The new Beck album leaked.
2. The new Decemberists ablum leaked.
3. The new Iron & Wine EP leaked.
4. Pictures like this exist:


[FP]

I never liked Chewie. The first Star Wars figure I ever owned was a Jawa, by the way. I think I identified with him because he was short and wore a hoodie.


::: posted by dan at 6:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Oh dear.

Either racism runs deep, or some people have had some very unfortunate slips of the tongue lately. From Wired:

If you have to make a racial slur on television, at least wait till after Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Weekend television weatherman Rob Blair, of Las Vegas' KTNV, egregiously goofed when delivering the extended forecast Saturday morning: "For tomorrow, 60 degrees, Martin Luther Coon King Jr. Day, gonna see some temperatures in the mid-60s." Blair apologized during the station's 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. Saturday newscasts, but his mea culpas weren't able to save his job. Said the vice president and general manager of the ABC affiliate, "This kind of incident is not acceptable under any circumstances, and I'm truly sorry that this event occurred."

I honestly don't see how that could be considered a "mistake". That's almost as bad as when someone accidently engraved a plaque with the name James Earl Ray (Martin Luther King's assassin) intead of James Earl Jones when they were presenting him an award on Martin Luther King Jr. Day a few years back:



"Thanks James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive"!!?!?? Man, that engraver was having the worst... day... ever.


::: posted by dan at 5:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Divine Intervention


[FP]

Too bad it didn't help nuthin.

According to the internets, it's just some Bush-lover's private jet that had to ditch into the water when power failed on take off. Nobody was hurt, but poetic justice was served.


::: posted by dan at 1:45 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, January 17, 2005 :::

The Hazards of Athleticism, Vol. 2

Yeah right it was from wrestling. From Foxnews:

Herpes Scare Benches Wrestlers
The Crater High School wrestling team of Central Point, Ore., has been unwittingly taking down its opponents with cases of herpes, reports KOIN-TV of Portland.

Like many things Oregonians don't want, the herpes simplex 1 virus seems to have come from California, specifically from a regional tournament in Fresno.

From there, the Crater Comets brought the herpes back home, spreading it to another team from nearby Grants Pass before members of both teams came down with the nasty cold sores.

...some parents of opposing teams were upset they weren't told about the herpes situation beforehand. "If our kids end up getting herpes for the rest of their lives because of that, there's no excuse for that at all ó none," said one man, who added that he only learned of the outbreak from another angry parent.


"No, we were just wrestling, mom, I swear."


::: posted by dan at 4:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Sunday, January 16, 2005 :::

Point Break Live

Live in Minneapolis? Wanna see a theatrical adaptation of one of the worst movies ever made?



What's awesome is how easy it is to resemble Patrick Swayze. All you really need is a ratty bleach-blonde surfer wig and a weathered face. Even better, the producers of the play don't feel that any acting ability whatsoever is required to play the Keanu Reeves character, so a random audience member will be chosen for the role during each performance. Learn more if you want.

It could only be better if it were a musical.


::: posted by dan at 6:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

FYI

You cannot substitute Pam™ for butter when making grilled cheese sandwiches.

On planetdan, this is what we call a "knowledge transfer".
Learn from my mistakes. You've been schooled.


::: posted by dan at 5:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Friday, January 14, 2005 :::

Rejected Chemical Weapons

I'm sure this is going to be all over the news if it isn't already, because it's the kind of absurd reality story that the news pundits luv:

Pentagon reveals rejected chemical weapons

Highlights:

Gay Bomb
An "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behavior among troops that would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.

Enraged Wasps Bomb
A chemical weapon that attracts swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions.

Dog Breath Bomb
A chemical that causes "severe and lasting halitosis", making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians.


::: posted by dan at 8:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Creationist Science Fair

This is old, and I've seen it quite a few times, but I can't take the chance that one of you hasn't seen it yet because it's just too awesome:

The 2001 Creationist Science Fair

Highlights of the award winners:

First Place, Elementary School Level:
"My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.


2nd Place, Middle School Level:
"Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay.


And it doesn't even seem to be a joke. It's most likely a fake site, albeit a pretty subversively funny one. At least Georgia finally decided those Creationist stickers they put on all their science textbooks were embarassingly backwoods.


::: posted by dan at 3:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Adequate is the new spectacular.

Witness the results of Bush's No Child Left Behind Act:


[FP]

Inspirational indeed.


::: posted by dan at 1:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, January 12, 2005 :::

Jesus actually WAS my copilot.

Last night I dreamt that I was sledding with Jesus. He was in his traditional garb: just a white robe-like garment and a regal looking beard; only he was wearing snow boots and way too much mascara. We shared a sled and all I remember is that we were going really fast and I couldn't see much but the snow flying in my face and occasionally Jesus would turn around and give me the thumbs up sign. I also remember thinking, "I can't wait to tell all those judgmental Bible-beaters that Jesus is my sledding buddy!" But then the dream changed, as dreams tend to do, and it wasn't Jesus anymore, it was my friend Stacy, and instead of sledding we were buying a house on a cliff by the ocean. It was probably the most vividly absurd dream I've ever had, but I'm pretty sure that this is the image that inspired it because I viewed it right before bedtime:



::: posted by dan at 2:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (29) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Tuesday, January 11, 2005 :::

Puppies and Unicorns

My last two posts were borderline trashy, so I feel like I need to post something a little more wholesome as a way to cleanse the palette and bring planetdan back into the realm of good clean family fun. So here goes:



Oh wait, shoot, that's not gonna work. Ok, let's try this one instead:



Ahhhhhh, much better.


::: posted by dan at 10:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Things to avoid eating.

Just in case you missed it, Pimpsmax posted a link to this Rude Food site yesterday that holds a collection of unfortunately named food products in foreign countries. This is one of my favorites, because it makes me wince:



::: posted by dan at 10:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

It's a slow day on the interweb.

The internet is boring today. And my real life wasn't any more exciting. I ate a taco, shoveled the walk, folded laundry, worked. It was all rather dull. Maybe it's just that it's hard to top the other day when I found out that Chyna the lady-wrestler made some amateur porn and has a mini-penis. But the visual evidence of that is WAY too graphic for planetdan, so here is something far less offensive to giggle at:


[FP]


::: posted by dan at 10:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, January 10, 2005 :::

Going to the bathroom, Deutschland style.

A couple years ago when K-Mack and I visited Germany, we were both caught off guard by their creepy toiletry. The basin of their toilets had a weird dry shelf that you couldn't avoid pooping on. I think K-Mack was even moved enough to journal about it. This is a cross-section of a German toilet, so you can see how it could easily be considered the opposite of user-friendly:



Anyway, this image comes from a site that describes the German toilet in detail, with just as much skepticism as I had, and even goes as far as to theorize that Germans are a more healthy people, who therefore like to examine their own feces, for purely health-related reasons. Hence, the shelf merely facilitates the examination.

Man. Germans. What will they think of next.


::: posted by dan at 11:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Avast Ye

My roommate K-Mack likes pirates. I've never understood the fascination. She watches Pirates of the Caribbean way too often, and don't tell me it's all for the sake of Johnny Depp because she is equally enthralled by any scene involving Geoffrey Rush. What's the allure? Is it the unshaven, unbathed, swarthy manliness of it all? Perhaps she's just drawn to the art of the swashbuckle.

She also likes pirate jokes. I vaguely recall a punchline about a pirate movie being "rated rrrrrrrrrrr," and another one about a pirate's favorite fruit being "Rrrrrrnges". I think her obsession is borderline fetish, but that's none of my nevermind. Plus, I like to encourage abnormal behavior in others, so this pirate-related picture is lovingly dedicated to K-Mack:



::: posted by dan at 10:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Consider yourself informed.

Did you know that some lucky people of European or Central Asian descent are genetically immune to HIV? This Wired article explains why. You, too, could be impervious to AIDS. Not that you should just cross your fingers and dive right in, mind you.

The same article references a man who used mitochondrial DNA research to estimate the all Europeans are descendents from only seven different women from the Ice Age.

I just blew my own mind.


::: posted by dan at 10:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Friday, January 07, 2005 :::

The Hazards of Athleticism

Ninth grade gym class was the worst experience of my entire life. Sure, it was nearly 15 years ago, but every single day was a new level of humiliation for dan, so it still hurts my tummy to think about it. I was usually the source of entertainment for the cruel kids, so if they weren't verbally abusing me it was because they were too busy aiming projectiles at me. One day I took a pickle ball in the face so hard that you could see the holes from the whiffle ball indented on my cheek. My gym teacher was a prick and laughed along with all the other kids when it happened and then he openly mocked me when I asked to go to the nurse to treat the swelling. Anyway, that dude got fired for snorting coke and "dating" the highschool chicks, so all's well that ends well.

So this picture triggers some pretty bad sense memories for me, but it's still totally awesome, and now I can see why the other kids all laughed at me. Gotta admit, it's pretty funny. Especially the way his awkward hands are totally not in the right place for defending himself, but rather they are flailing helplessly, which I'm pretty sure is a pose I often made myself in ninth grade gym class. I feel for the guy, whoever he is:


Click for larger because it's so much better. My face stings just looking at it. [FP]


::: posted by dan at 5:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

This is the flaming word of the lord.

As if the Bible isn't already exciting enough:



When was the last time your class saw how "HOT" God's Word is? Open this authentic looking "bible" and begin to share the scripture for the day as real flames are seen coming from your "bible". Read more.

It's about time the bible-beaters and proselytizers add cheap gimmickry and trashy special-effect trickery to their recruiting tactics.

[via citypages]


::: posted by dan at 4:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, January 05, 2005 :::

Jailed Radical Muslim Hygiene

Today I read this article:

Toe nails keep terror suspect from court
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri failed to appear before a British court on Tuesday, complaining his toe nails were too long and he could not walk.

Then I thought, "Gimme a break, how bad can toe nails get?" A simple Google image search later and I had my answer (warning: kinda graphic and totally grody):
Pretty Bad
Pretty Darned Bad
Really Pretty Very Darned Bad

Who knew that "Toenails" would be the most disturbing Google image search I've ever done. Sorry.

Speaking of which, I stepped on something hard and crusty while barefoot in the gym locker room the other day. I looked at the bottom of my foot to investigate and it was someone's nasty toe nail clipping. I practically passed out. In a panic, I batted it away with my towel. Thank god it didn't break the skin or I would've had to perform an emergency foot amputation.


::: posted by dan at 1:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, January 03, 2005 :::

Time for the Tinfoil Hat

I'm not a conspiracy theorist by any means, and I'm too grounded in reality to really believe what the author of this list is implying, but it's still interesting in a Fahrenheit 9/11 kind of way, and you have to admit that there are some serious ethical issues with the electronic voting machines and the companies that manufactured them for the last election.

Even more disturbing is how little you hear about it on the news or read about it on the interent. They always talk about a liberal bias in the media but then stories like this get quashed and somehow Bush gets voted as Time Magazine's Man of the Year. So was Hitler, I guess, but seriously. Gimme a break. People just assume that if the American news media doesn't cover a story, then there is no merit to the story in the first place, which is a really scary way to think.

Anyway, read these 20 Amazing Facts About Voting in the USA so that at least some of us can consider ourselves properly informed.

That no paper trail thing really freaks me out.


::: posted by dan at 5:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

The Return of Arthur Blessitt: A Space Odyssey

While researching my last post, I randomly came across a link to my own Naturally Stoned on Jesus site. I guess it's a small world-wide-web after all. Anyway, my fascination with Arthur Blessitt began when I found his Life's Greatest Trip book at a church bazaar a few years back, and then continued with the discovery that he holds the world record in globetrotting with a cross on his back. Say what you want, the dude's got commitment.

Now, thanks to Mr. Pants, I learn that he has a new venture: Cross in Space.

That's right, he's launching a cross into orbit. His website even has this fancy animated graphic, to better illustrate his complicated plan:



Nevermind that the actual cross they are shooting into space is two inches wide and probably couldn't be seen by Hubble. Anyway, you gotta admire the guy's focused (albeit curiously pointless) ambition.


::: posted by dan at 2:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Pray your gay away.

Harmon Leon, world-famous infiltrator and former colleague of David Eggers at Might Magazine, has written many hilarious articles, my favorites of which involve his infiltration of the reality TV show Blind Date and his adventures in getting fired from a Jack-In-The-Box in three hours or less.

He has a new infiltration article (via mrpants) is about those Christian support groups that claim you can pray your gay away. It's totally awesome:
Onward Christian Ex-Gays

Here's just a couple of my favorite parts to whet your whistle:

Carol, who has no counseling degrees of any type, decides it's time to begin discussing the proper ways of dealing with the warning signs of gayness, such as a fascination with long hair, earrings, or scarves.

and:

"It's important to recognize that men are attracted to men. We're drawn to masculinity. There's nothing sexual about it," explains the leader, prompting me to wonder, What about guys who are into Thai lady-boys?


::: posted by dan at 2:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Saturday, January 01, 2005 :::

Happy New Year

Is 29 too old to be bar-hopping downtown for New Year's Eve? Maybe it's because we only went to bars with no covers which is where the youngsters tend to swarm, but I felt kinda like a geezer. That feeling didn't last too long, though, as you'll be able to tell from the pictures. The object in my mouth in the second-to-last image is a blinky light thingee that I found on the ground in a puddle of beer around the same time that my good sense of hygiene had apparently vanished.

See the pics.



Anyway, my resolution is to curb my spending. After I buy a few things I really need first.


::: posted by dan at 10:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button




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