Friday, July 31, 2009 :::
Animals are easy targets.
They are easy to confuse.
They are easy to scare.
They are easy to set up.
They are easy to trick.
And they are easy to humiliate for your own amusement.
When we were growing up, C-Minus had a rabbit hutch which housed two ginormous bunnies in her backyard. Occasionally, we would take them out of their separate cages and watch them as they frantically tried to hump each other. We'd always separate them just as the gettin' was gettin' good. Looking back on it now, it all seems fantastically cruel to me - even though they were both boy rabbits and nothing much was bound to come from it.
::: posted by dan at 7:33 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Thursday, July 30, 2009 :::
Sure, I realize that the last bit of wine might splash up in your face with annoying consistency, and that cleaning them out thoroughly would be nearly impossible, but for some reason I still want these glasses so bad:
Too bad I can't find any proof of their existence in the real world.
::: posted by dan at 9:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 :::
I've been featured in a local magazine.
Okay, so that's obviously a photoshopped embellishment of the truth, and to say I've been "featured" isn't exactly accurate either. But do you notice anyone familiar on page 16 of this month's "Twin Cities Statement" (a magazine of which I had previously never heard, but I'm sure it's fast on its way to becoming the next GQ)?
Yup, that's dan! At first I thought, "Oh, that's not a bad picture. I'm in a tux and standing next to a fairly attractive person," but then I looked at tad closer at my big shiny, hot, white & pasty, red & splotchy, extra-wide-load face.
Gross. Honestly, though, if it gets me in a magazine, I don't really care. They could have published a picture of me pooping in a porta-potty at some truck stop in Dubuque and I would have been ecstatic.
And for the record, I don't really know who that girl is. I was at a black-tie event and I saw an approaching photographer. I knew I didn't have much of a chance of being photographed alone, so I scooted up next to this girl's side real quick like. The next thing I know, my portrait is in the Scene & Heard section of this amazing new (to me) magazine. So whoever you are, Anne B., thanks for getting me published!
::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Monday, July 27, 2009 :::
While I was out canoeing with some friends last weekend, someone snapped this picture of me moments before a head-on collision with a barrier wall, which happened to be the only obstacle to avoid within an abundance of open water, as I frantically splashed my oar in the wrong direction in an attempt to avoid said collision, while tightly buckled into my extremely uncomfortable and over-sized life preserver in less than two feet of water.
That's how I roll.
Of course, the person taking the picture was supposed to be the person navigating us away from barrier walls and the like, so I'm not going to take all the blame.
::: posted by dan at 7:43 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Friday, July 24, 2009 :::
It's a good thing kids are all bendy and flexible and stuff, otherwise I don't think many of them would survive being a Toddler. For example, if it were me in these animated GIFs...
...this would leave me bedridden and covered in Icy Hot patches for a week.
...I couldn't do this maneuver with years of training or without days of aches.
...the resulting back spasm would probably require an extended hospital stay.
...this would definitely make me soil myself.
...this would result in multiple dislocations, but nice catch, dad.
My joints and muscles are stiff just from watching those, but the kids involved probably just walked it off.
::: posted by dan at 12:43 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Monday, July 20, 2009 :::
I've failed miserably at keeping my online photographs organized and updated. After years of using archaic methods and frustrating tools (i.e. my own devices) to attempt some sort of online digital album, I've finally abandoned all hope of self-management and adopted Flickr instead:
(Apparently, "planetdan" was already taken - :()
(Wait, how do you follow up a sad-face emoticon with a closing parenteses without making it look like some big-lipped freak? But I digress...)
It took over nine months and over 17,000 uploads, and I still haven't actually labeled or named anything properly, but the project is finally complete. Most people who see this probably won't give a damn about any of these pictures or the people featured within, but some of you might be unwilling subject matter. I tried to be prudent about which photos I made public and which ones I didn't, but apparently my own concept of prudence varies drastically from the general public's. So feel free to send me any "cease and desist" emails, if you are so inclined.
::: posted by dan at 7:29 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Sunday, July 19, 2009 :::
I like this:
Just thought I'd share, even though I doubt many of you will actually understand it. You see, I am so much more enlightened than most of you.
Kidding. I was trying to be ironic. But the mere fact that I had to point out that I was trying to attempt irony means that I don't have much faith that the average person would be able to detect the irony without my assistance, which is probably true, which kinda serves to prove the original ironic statement that I am indeed more enlightened than most, because that was some excellently-structured irony.
Kidding. Irony again. Is this starting to bother you? God, you sheeple are so easily bothered.
::: posted by dan at 11:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Tuesday, July 14, 2009 :::
Last week I had the fortune of visiting Senanque Abbey in southern France. It's an old Cistercian abbey nestled in the gentle hills of Provence and surrounded by stunningly beautiful fields of lavender:
There was literally lavender as far as the eye could see:
Yet for some reason, my main memory of the visit will always probably be of this guy's catastrophic comb-over:
I kept wondering what his hair looked like right out of the shower. It must hang down below his chin, but only on the one side obviously, which would almost be kinda punk. What would it look like if he spiked it into a lopsided mohawk? Or put it in a sideways ponytail? Does the sun burn in stripes on his bald scalp? I had so many questions.
In spite of my beautiful surroundings, I couldn't take my eyes off that wreck. Sometimes I wish my brain worked like normal people's.
::: posted by dan at 12:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Monday, July 13, 2009 :::
Today must be Sympathy for The Poor Little Animals day on the internet or something because I'm sensing a pattern in my random web surfing. For instance:
Awwww, poor little squirrel!
Although the genuine sympathy might be diluted by the copywriter's allusion to a certain perverted internet meme. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you don't want to know.
Awwww, poor little monkey!
Or is that an orangutan? I can never tell.
Awwww, poor little pooch!
Although there is a story to go along with this one, and a happy ending, to boot!
Awwww, poor little baby efelant!
Suck it up, dumbo. Oops, I guess I'm all out of sympathy for the day.
::: posted by dan at 11:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Saturday, July 04, 2009 :::
I'm not even going to play coy anymore. I'm in Provence. That's in France. Today I saw many things. For instance, I saw that I was still fat looking at certain angles:
I also saw that the the Romans were pretty good with architecture and aqueducture and stuff. This is called Pont du Gard. It's only smaller than the colosseum by six measly feet:
And I saw nature in the form of rocks, water, and land, which I suppose is nothing new yet still always exciting. These are called the Cascades of something or other. People are all crazy and do flippy cliff dives and other acts of derring-do:
But just as exciting, I had lunch with Brooke Smith and Saffron Burrows today in a little French town called Uzes. You may know Brooke from such films as The Silence of the Lambs, AKA Brooke "It puts the lotion on its skin" Smith:
And you might know Saffron Burrows from being all hot and stuff in that Bank Job movie:
And when I say I had lunch with them, I mean that I sat a couple tables away from them and snapped photos of them all creepy-stalker-paparazzi style, which honestly is just as good as sharing a meal with them, obviously.
But for real, how awesome of a celebrity sighting is seeing Catherine Martin, the girl at the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well? It almost makes you want to start singing some Tom Petty, doesn't it?
Anyway, greetings from France.
::: posted by dan at 3:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Now guess what country I am in with a little help from these unhelpful images and clues:
Yes, I really am that white. It comes in helpful when trying to whitebalance your camera, though. Anyway, the place is named after St. Lawrence of the Trees. And the name of my hotel translates into "After the Siesta" I think, although I'm not sure that makes the most logical sense for a hotel name. This is what it looks like:
Another hint is that it is hotter than hell and that A/C hasn't caught on here yet. Hopefully the pool will keep me cool!
::: posted by dan at 1:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Friday, July 03, 2009 :::
This is Snoopy. I visisted him in Belgium this week. He was very excited to see me. He devoted all evening to humping my leg at every opportunity and whenever I dropped my guard:
Dogs love danny. Especially Belgian ones.
::: posted by dan at 11:52 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments
Thursday, July 02, 2009 :::
Vacation hurts my back. Maybe it's the biking through the countryside, or maybe it's the fact that european beds are literally like bedrock, or perhaps is just that I'm old at 34. Regardless: ouchypoo.
J-Squared managed to snap a few secret pictures of me while I was doing some back-stretches, and against my better judgement (and in the spirit of the "fair is fair" altruism, since I would have posted the same pictures of him, had I caught them), I have animated the covert photos for you here. In the future, perhaps it will stop me from doing such inadvertently perverse-looking exercises in the future (in the presense of other human beings, anyway):
I'm going to regret posting that, aren't I?
::: posted by dan at 9:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
I'm all like Matt Lauer, chillin' in other countries for the week. Can you guess where I'm at?
I'll give you a hint: this dude below is named Oliver the Devil. He's some rogue hairstylist of the king who got all lynched and stuff for being a general jackass. He's from where I'm at today, although I don't know why on earth they erected a memorial to the jerk:
In this place I am eating and drinking, so that's not much of a hint cuz I do that everywhere and all the time:
They have puppies and Prince here, so I'm fulfilled and happy. Again, not so great a hint but a lovely picture nonetheless:
I'll have more to post once I find a place with adequate internet access. Seriously, it's like the dark ages around this place when it comes to connectivity. Some people might like that, but it drives me absolutely bonkers.
::: posted by dan at 12:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
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