Thursday, February 26, 2004 :::
From the San Jose Mercury News:
[Governer Mike Huckabee of Arkansas], who took the stage before Bush, set the tone for the [presidential campaign kickoff] by pulling out his cell phone for a mock conversation with God about Bush's candidacy. "We're behind him, yes sir, we sure are," Huckabee said into the phone.
First of all, he stole that bit from Ellen Degeneres. Secondly, gimme a break.
::: posted by dan at 4:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
I'm sorry, but even if this is taken out of context, the dude is a self-righteous freeee-ak. From his interview with Diane Sawyer:
"Critics who have a problem with me don't really have a problem with me and this film... they have a problem with the four Gospels." Mel Gibson
'The Holy Ghost was working through me on this film,' Gibson has said of his work on 'The Passion.' 'I was just directing traffic.'
::: posted by dan at 1:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Excerpted from the Onion:
"Her friends sold the baby shower so hard," DeGrassio said. "They were all like, 'We play games and open presents'—as if I don't know what a shower is. I'll tell you what it is: four hours of chattering and cooing over stuff from Target. I always give the same gift when I go to one: a pair of overalls. But everyone acts like it's the Bicentennial fireworks display."
As the blessed event approaches, DeGrassio admitted that he's having a hard time playing along when Her Royal Highness makes him feel the baby.
"Every time that thing moves, Amy freaks out," DeGrassio said. "She came up to me the other day, grabbed my hand, and put it on her stomach. She kept asking me if I could feel it kick. Does the baby get to feel me kick? I'm sorry, that was too much, but this is making me crazy."
::: posted by dan at 10:12 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Monday, February 23, 2004 :::
Apparently the old man who rear-ended my Hyundai is dead. He died two days after showing up at my house. Natural causes. So I guess I don't need to feel bad about him losing his license anymore. I should probably also recant my earlier cartwheel remarks.
R.I.P. Bill Schneider.
::: posted by dan at 2:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Thursday, February 19, 2004 :::
This banner ad was just on my hotmail. Usually they say stuff like "Which one is Homer Simpson?" or "Which one of these animals has four legs?" and you're supposed to be able to click and win an amazing valuable prize if you guess correctly. They are all stupid, but I just thought this one was particularly funny. Spellcheck can be a blessing for those who use it. Either that or it's a trick question.
::: posted by dan at 4:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Dude ate lots of coins. 12 pounds worth. Then he died. Grody.
French Docs Find 350 Coins in Patient's Stomach
::: posted by dan at 1:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 :::
I've been reading these lately at McSweeneys.net, and I think they are funny. You can read them all at the link below, but here is one of my favorites:
Read them all.
#15: The Case of the Hombre Mysterioso
One evening Peter and Jenny were practicing their synchronized dance routine when their roommate Angela interrupted. "I just got another call for 'Humberto,'" she stormed. "That's like the hundredth time this year. Who is Humberto, and why do I keep getting his calls? By the way, you two look like jerks."
The dancing sleuths had another mystery on their hands. Squeezing a reluctant Angela in the middle of their funk sandwich, they began their questioning.
"Do you get these calls during the day, or at night?"
"Both," Angela answered.
"Do the callers sound attractive?"
"How would I know?"
"Do they ever ask what you're wearing?"
"No. What kind of questions are these?"
"Is there anything else you can tell us?"
"Yes. Humberto gets more calls than I do. I gave my phone number to two men last week, and the only call I got was from my alumni association."
"That's it!" Peter cried. "My dear, you've solved your own mystery. Obviously, when you're out in the bars, giving your number to anything in pants, you are so drunk that you forget your own name. You must be introducing yourself as Humberto. These mysterious calls are, in fact, for you."
Angela protested that she is a teetotaler, and that the gentlemen recipients of her phone number were, in fact, co-workers, but the detectives concluded these objections were lies. The cousins further concluded that Angela was lying about their routine looking stupid, because they are really, really good dancers.
::: posted by dan at 3:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Ha ha. How embarassing:
Report: Glitch identifies anonymous Amazon reviewers
They're the book reviewers on Amazon.com who use such words as "masterful," "page-turner" and "tear-jerker." But the ones who sign their critiques only as "a reader from (fill in the city)" lost their anonymity this week when their identities were revealed on Amazon.com's Canadian Web site. Among those named were authors who posted glowing reviews of their own work, apparently to boost sales. The glitch, reported Saturday by The New York Times, replaced pseudonyms with reviewers' real names, laying bare a culture of self-promotion and potential for revenge among authors and users of the online retailer.
Full article from CNN.
::: posted by dan at 10:35 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
The old man who hit my car showed up at my door Saturday morning. Apparently he needed some information for his accident report and he could not find me in the phone book because he thought my name was Dennis Miller. (I'd do my best Dennis Miller impression right now, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. Just imagine me saying something obscure and with a Republican slant). Anyway, the poor old man barely even made it up my stairs, even with the aid of his 50 year old son. His son said "I'm Bob, and this is my dad, William, who you met under less than fortunate circumstances last week," and I felt like saying "Actually, no, I didn't have the chance to meet him before he sped away," but just looking at the old man who was desperately trying to catch his breath in my living room chair made me reconsider. I'm pretty sure he mumbled something about being sorry and about how he "screwed up" as he was leaving, but his coughing and wheezing made it hard to tell. So now I feel bad. It was probably just an ingenious ploy to influence me into not suing them and the second I turned around the old man was probably doing limber cartwheels down my driveway. Not that I'd ever sue anyway. I'm anti-litigious.
Anyway, I feel bad for the poor old guy. Especially now that his insurance is paying for everything so I can't be angry anymore.
::: posted by dan at 10:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 :::
I just went and picked up the police report from my hit-and-run accident yesterday. This statement from the police man caught my eye, in regards to the alleged hit-and-runner:
"He said he did not stop because he had to go to the bathroom."
While he was relieving himself, I was sitting stranded at the Sandy's Tavern for 5 hours.
::: posted by dan at 2:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Someone got to my website using the following search string:
"steven cojocaru" "disgusting"
::: posted by dan at 10:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Tuesday, February 10, 2004 :::
Some bastard jackass rear-ended me today and then sped off. My poor brand new Hyundai is now damaged goods. She's officially used. Spent. Debased. Way before her time. Luckily for you, I was unhurt, and my friend Susan had her digital camera handy and snapped these sad pics:
So I spent five hours at Sandy's Tavern (home of the delicious Olive Burger) trying to sort out insurance and find a way home. Now I have been lent a shitty Ford that smells of burning rubber and has no CD player or driver's seat adjustment functions. The lady at the rental office seriously said "Good luck!" as I pulled out of their parking lot. The mutherf**ker who rammed me has been found and charged with hit and run. He was a 75 year old grampa with a handicap license plate (a fact that has somehow made me feel guilty for getting him in trouble with the law) and his insurance is suspect. We'll see how this turns out, but I'm mostly sad that my once perfect and dearly beloved economy car will never be the same. Poor baby.
Oh, and I somehow used this as an excuse to drink an entire bottle of Fat Bastard wine all by my lonesome. I'm weak.
::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
Monday, February 02, 2004 :::
According to Sitemeter.com, these are a few of the phrases people have typed into Google to find my site (with my comments included):
"girls having sex with water buffaloes"
"st elmo's fire mp3 download free"
"lorelai bedroom with pics"
Not my Lorelai!
And the most popular so far:
I did a post about him a while ago. Sadly, it was not very positive. I bet they were all from him googling himself.
::: posted by dan at 6:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
It's just a boob. What do you care if your kid sees a boob? How could seeing a boob even possibly affect someone negatively? I myself saw plenty of boobs as a child, with very little effect at all positive or negative. Okay, bad example, but it's not like the boob was inciting violence or something. The boob didn't promote hate speech or flash a gang symbol. The boob didn't even use a swear word.
Let's make a list of things that are more offensive on TV than seeing a boob:
The fact that "Yes Dear" is still on the air.
That Defense of Marriage crap in Bush's last SOTU.
That Jessica Lynch made-for-TV movie lie-athon.
When major league baseball delays a new season of The Simpsons.
The pervasiveness of televised football: an idiot's sport.
But seriously, have you ever actually stopped and pondered why you feel the way you do? What is it about seeing a boob that offends you? It's just a damned boob. There's billions of them out there. One for every human being on the planet, as a matter of fact.
::: posted by dan at 4:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
This dude wrote a FAQ which answers the age-old question. It's overly technical, biased, and clearly has an agenda, but it's also surprisingly logical, well-meaning and theoretically interesting. Or maybe I just feel that way after having stared death in the face all last week.
Anyway, read it here.
::: posted by dan at 2:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
I've been really sick for the last week with the flu or the measles or god-knows-what-else. I was knocked-out, half-conscious, and feverish with mild hallucinations and the worst kind of cold-sweats. I think I'm past the worst of it now. I'll bet everyone is glad to have me back.
On the bright side, I caught up on a lot of TV and movies, including Ice Age, The Quiet American, Spider, Rabbit-Proof Fence (which practically made me scream-cry in my over-emotional fevered state), a few Lifetime TV for Women movies, some awful Angie Everheart movie called Red Running (out of respect for Celebrity Mole 2), some classics like Get Shorty, Romy & Michele, Willy Wonka, Sound of Music, Jackie Brown, and my all-time favorite feel better movie: The Goonies.
::: posted by dan at 2:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments
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