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Friday, December 28, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Riddle: What element is a necessary requirement for both swimmin' and surfin'?

WATER.

Say again?

WATER.


::: posted by dan at 4:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Thursday, December 27, 2007 :::

The New Classics

I think it's awesomely cavalier that cable TV can force a movie into "classic" status just by running it 24 hours straight or ad nauseum, as if excessive repetition is all it takes to make the American people think they actually like something. TNT has even dubbed Mel Gibson's craptastic What Women Want as a "new classic", simply because they plan on airing it three nights in a row.

At least TBS picked a worthy movie to "classicify" when they chose to start running A Christmas Story for 24 hours straight every xmas eve, because it's one of the best movies ever made, and it's barely even 25 years old. Good ol' Ralphie doesn't even look that old these days:



Look at those baby blues! Although this picture is more intriguing:



Um, you'll DEFINITELY shoot your eye out, kid.
His younger brother didn't age as well, though:



And so help me god, Scut Farkas does NOT have yellow eyes anymore:



Unfortunately, Ralphie's papa died last year, but his mama is still going strong, and I was surprised to realize that I last saw her onscreen as the cokehead's mother in Magnolia, a recent favorite of mine:



Anyway, A Christmas Story is the one movie that is well deserving of the "new classic" label. I managed to watch it three times this year. Here are a few more not-so-worthy movies that TNT has declared to be "classic":

Air Force One
CastAway
Con Air
The Fifth Element
Hitch
Maverick
Ocean's Eleven
Shrek
Signs
Titanic
What Lies Beneath

Hmmmm, perhaps we need to propose a referendum.

Oh, ok, just one more, it's Flick:



::: posted by dan at 9:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Wednesday, December 26, 2007 :::

The Xmas Spirit

Best Xmas card ever:


[see the large version here]

I really like xmas. I like shopping for gifts. I like tacky decorations. I like knowing that a good portion of the world's population is doing the exact same thing, listening to the exact same music, and feeling the exact same nostalgia as I am. I like that so many people can keep an idea like Santa Claus afloat for so many years without forming a religion around him. Unless you consider consumerism a religion, I guess. But heck, sometimes I like consumerism, too.

Sometimes I don't like people, though. I was at Target on Christmas Eve buying a few last minute items. As I stood in the express check-out line, the elderly man behind me tapped my shoulder.

Elderly Man: Excuse me, young man.
Me:
Yes?
Elderly Man: You went in front of me.
Me: Excuse me?
Elderly Man: You went in front of me to get in line.
Me: I did?
Elderly Man: Yes, back there.

He was pointing toward the housewares department. Granted, it was right across from the checkout section and a direct shot to the lane I was standing in, but he was making it sound like I was just cutting in line when in fact I had passed him in an unrelated shopping aisle a good twenty feet back. Was I really supposed to know that the slow old man I was briskly passing was headed to the same checkout counter as I was? Should I take to remaining behind elderly people at all times while shopping, just in case they are headed to the same destination as I am, lest be accused of budding? And since that was a rhetorical question, what exactly is the etiquette for appeasing a crazy old man?

Being the xmas season (and seeing as how the cashier was giving me a dirty look by this point), I apologized and let him ahead of me in line. But afterwards I felt taken advantage of. It's not like he was crippled or pregnant. Do I really have to give up my place in line for some lazy coot just because he happens to be elderly? Eff that. He was lucky I was in the xmas spirit. And he better think twice before trying that shit again with me in a non-xmas environment.

PS. Speaking of the xmas spirit, Cherry Nut wanted to buy this for you for xmas, but she didn't have your shipping address.


::: posted by dan at 12:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Friday, December 21, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

I know how you internet nerds love cats, so this one is for you guys:

Fail.

Not fail.

Super not fail.


::: posted by dan at 12:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

The Sound of Bad Musical Theater

My friends and I like to gather for an annual holiday dinner and event every year. This year we decided to eat at an Italian restaurant in our beautiful capital city of St. Paul, and then see the Ordway Theater's awful production of The Sound of Music, the film version of which is one of my favorite movies of all time. Sure, the original movie is cheesy and a tad campy and altogether sickeningly-sweet, but the difference is that Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer could sell that shit like nobody's business, while the actors in last night's production were far less convincing. The production seemed straight out of a high school musical and they somehow shifted the sequencing around to where Mother Superior ended up singing "My Favorite Things", which is an utter travesty. I shouldn't even mention the absurdity of casting an Asian in the role of the Nazi-Sympathizing Baroness, but I just did anyway. All in all, it was quite bad indeed. And $75 a ticket.

There was a mentally-handicapped man in a wheelchair a few rows behind us. He would moan intermittently throughout the performance with innocent confusion, like many mentally-handicapped people tend to do. But his timing was impeccable. Every time one of the actors mumbled some horribly-delivered line of dialogue, or every time the on-stage ensemble completed one of their numerous off-key tunes (arms raised, awaiting applause), the mentally-handicapped man would groan questioningly into the deafening silence: "Aaaaaoooooaahhh?" It was almost as if he was thinking exactly what everyone else was thinking at the exact same moment. Something tells me that mentally-handicapped man is a lot smarter than people give him credit for.

And I got busted for taking a photograph inside the theater. One of the ushers caught me snapping a picture of my friends and came over to ask me to delete it. I knew it was forbidden to take pictures of the performance, but I didn't see any harm in taking pictures of my friends in their seats before the lights even dimmed, so I just said "Yes, I'll delete it," and put the camera into my pocket. But he looked at me all stern-faced and said "No, can you delete it now?" So I took the camera back out and pretended to fumble with its buttons until he walked away. This is the picture he caught me taking:



Can you imagine the damage that could be done if this picture ever got released to the public?!? The Ordway would never recover! It's a good thing they have such crackerjack security there.


::: posted by dan at 10:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Tuesday, December 18, 2007 :::

Altered Egos

I've always wondered if I would be recognizable as a disguised super hero. Obviously, a disguise like Spiderman's would be easy for anyone to pull off because he's fully covered head to toe, but the other super heroes really push the limits sometimes. Anyway, I thought rather than wasting my time pondering it, I would just activate my Photoshop powers.

Dan as Batman:



Pretty unrecognizable, actually, but I still have a hard time believing that Michelle Pfeiffer couldn't tell it was Michael Keaton in there.

Dan as Robin:



I'm owning the character, but that one is barely even a disguise. I'd give it an F.

Dan as Wonder Woman:



Surprisingly, I think the five o'clock shadow would give me away more than the body type ever would, but still, she wasn't exactly ever incognito. And I never noticed how awful her shorts were in that show. Damn.


Dan as Santa:



The coverage is good, but shopping mall santas aren't exactly superheros. In fact, I have a hard time seeing them as anything other than warm-kneed perverts, but maybe I'm just being cynical.

Well anyway, ho ho ho.


::: posted by dan at 9:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Sunday, December 16, 2007 :::

The Wedding

Here are Kmack's wedding photos that I'm sure we will all enjoy:

The Wedding


::: posted by dan at 5:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Friday, December 14, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

I'd imagine it to feel like one of those Chinese finger traps.

Curiosity Killed the Cat and Molested the Dog

Which really reminds me of this.


::: posted by dan at 4:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Proud Papa & Funcle Dan

T-bone's brand new baby is pretty derned cute.

Proud Papa:


Funcle Dan:


"Funcle" sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like a "fun" uncle or something lame like that, but really I meant it to be short for "faux-uncle", since I'm technically not really an uncle or a blood relative of any kind, which I suppose is still kind of a lame meaning, but screw you for being so judgmental.

Regardless, I will be a the best funcle lil' baby MJ ever had.


::: posted by dan at 4:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button

 


Monday, December 10, 2007 :::

Kmack is no more.

So I didn't post much for the last week because it was too jam-packed with many major events, some of which were totally awesome, and some of which I'd rather forget altogether, but the long and short of the good bits are that:

I GOT TO WEAR A TUXEDO!



and... K-MACK IS MARRIED!



Guess this means I can't call her Kmack anymore. It's officially time to start calling her by her new nickname.

There will be more pictures to come later. I'm sweaty in most of them so some major air-brushing is in order.


::: posted by dan at 11:53 AM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

Animated (Last) Friday!

I missed animated Friday again, but for good reason this time. Anyway, here goes:

You are not the father...

...which is ironic since T-bone had a baby last Friday! He's dancing because he IS the father... of a healthy lil' girl. So congratulations, T-bone! I'd post a picture of your baby but I'm starting to realize there's an etiquette to these things.

Instead, I'll post a bonus animated GIF of the scariest baby, ever.


::: posted by dan at 11:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button

 

IRONY!

Random internet finds:





::: posted by dan at 11:46 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button




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