Sunday, July 31, 2005 :::
For some reason, I think this is laugh-out-loud funny (although perhaps not exactly suitable for work): click here.
I'm ten seconds away from photoshopping my own face onto that animation.
Update: Ok, so I had to do it, although I really wish I hadn't.
::: posted by dan at 1:05 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Thursday, July 28, 2005 :::
Presurfer had a link to some visual illusions involving our perception of color being based just as much on the surrounding colors than the color itself. This practical demonstration of that concept actually made me gasp a little because I'm easily amused. See the two shapes below? Even though the center cross section of one shape looks grayish-blue and the other looks yellow, each shape is actually the exact same hue. Roll over the image to mask it off and see for yourself:
::: posted by dan at 2:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Stuff I've been wanting to post for a while but keep fergettin:
1. Although I Like a Good George W. Bush Joke as Much as the Next Guy, Some of Them Seem Gratuitous and Mean-Spirited. [thanks joe]
2. More creepy andriod abominations. [thank you rebecca]
3. That dog again.
::: posted by dan at 1:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 :::
I live in Minnesota, which is called the Land of 10,000 Lakes (even though there are actually over 15,000 - apparently we just don't like to brag). More specifically, I live in Minneapolis, which is called the City of Lakes. There are probably at least 100 lakes within a 15 minute drive from my house. But you won't catch dan swimming in a lake. No way. This photo, recently taken by my coworker's friend, is just one reason why:
(click for larger)
Another reason is urine. But that's a whole different story.
::: posted by dan at 4:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments
I was looking through some old files on my server last night, trying to organize the behind-the-scenes clutter explosion that is the backbone of planetdan, and I found this mysterious collage of japanese baby photos. I have no idea where it came from or how it got on my server, but they sure are damned cute.
This one in particular makes me laugh:
Their blinding cuteness has made me temporarily ignore the genuinely creepy fact that this file materialized out of thin air. Maybe it's like that movie The Ring, only with cute baby pics instead of a nine inch nails video. I'll be dead in seven days. I just don't know it yet. Go ahead, look at all of them, if you dare.
::: posted by dan at 3:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments
Monday, July 25, 2005 :::
Tonight as I showered at the gym they piped in the most awkward and inappropriate song I could ever imagine being played in a men's locker room shower: It's Raining Men by the Weather Girls. A profound and palpable discomfort immediately permeated the steam, and suddenly everyone was done showering all at once. If you ever want to clear out a men's shower room faster than a fire drill, that is the way to do it. I didn't mind, though, because it meant that I could shower in peace and that I wouldn't have to share the soap dispenser.
In honor of the occasion, I wanted to post the classic internet MP3 that is Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout version of It's Raining Men, but just the thought of that awful repetitive rhythmic chant of "up, down, up, down, up, down" in his thick-tongued Austrian accent gives me a bit of a tummy ache. If you really must hear it, just for effect, then you can go here.
::: posted by dan at 9:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Seeing the Virgin Mary in grilled cheese sandwiches and satan in the smoke of the Twin Towers is incredibly lame, in my opinion. People see faces in everything: the devil's face in Canadian money, jesus in outer space, and there's twelvity billion more examples. But why does it always gotta be religious? It's a natural human tendency - hardwired into us at birth - to seek out familiar patterns, especially faces. Although I admit that seeing these creepy fireworks or an ominous hovering baby face over your house might be a little disconcerting:
There was even a tiny chocolate dancer stain on my very own t-shirt the other day when I got careless with some dessert served by K-mack. Could have been jesus, I guess.
::: posted by dan at 8:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Sunday, July 24, 2005 :::
Speaking of going through old photos (see previous post), K-mack found this picture of Stacy and I upstaging the bride at a wedding, some 10 years ago:
Sometimes I just can't stop myself from dancin. How embarassing. We weren't even drinking.
::: posted by dan at 10:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
I saw this episode of The X-Files once where some government agent dude could appear invisible (appear invisible? that's gotta be the stupidest oxymoron I've ever typed), by manipulating human blindspots. This is because the human eye doesn't actually see everything in front of it, so the brain has to just make up the rest. It was a stupid episode, but the concept of human blindspots is true. You can read about it here, or test it out below:
Close your left eye and stare at the plus sign with your right eye. Now, slowly move your head toward the screen, but don't take your right eye off of the plus sign. At some point the dot should disappear. See? Blindspot. You can't see the dot, so your brain just makes up that area with whatever surrounds it that you can see.
Anyway, I bring this up because I was looking through old photos this weekend and apparently I am very susceptible to blindspots. Take this 10th grade dance photo, for instance:
That boy-fop hairdo, those faded black pleated slacks, that purple paisley shirt, those white socks under black loafers. Ugh. I blame blindspots.
::: posted by dan at 10:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
It was my friend Jeannie's birthday this week. I'm forgoing referring to her with her usual online codename because her real name is kinda pertinent to the story. Anyway, continuing on with my goal to make everyone a T-shirt for their birthday this year, I made her this:
You see, Jeannie has an older sister named Annie, and apparently when they were younger, Jeannie's mother came up with the brainstorm of saving money and preserving hand-me-downs by simply adding a "je" to the beginning of all of Annie's personalized items. Hence je-Annie. Add the embarassing pyramid-haired fourth grade photo and viola: the perfect humiliating T-shirt.
I like to imagine that Jeannie was in fact named for this very reason; that her mom had the presence of mind and forethought to name her Jeannie, for reasons of frugality. It'd be like if my mom had another kid and named her "jorDAN". Not that I was ever priveleged enough to own personalized clothing.
::: posted by dan at 8:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Thursday, July 21, 2005 :::
One of my favorite movies is Citizen Ruth, in which Laura Dern plays a dim-witted pregnant huffer who becomes the key pawn of a ridiculously escalated abortion controversy. It's a lot funnier than it sounds. Especially her Pavlovian response when she hears the familiar clack clack clack of a shaking spraypaint can. Anyway, my point is that I know huffin' ain't supposed to be funny, but sometimes it just is, like in the case of this huffer's mugshot, found on The Smoking Gun:
I wonder if gold glitter spraypaint gets you higher than regular old black glossy? Apparently he got busted when he went back to the store in this condition for a refill. See? Funny.
I shouldn't judge, though. I must admit I love the smell of permanent markers and Sharpie pens. Which, for non-huffin-related reasons, reminds me of this clever, if not-so-appetizing, advertisement for Bic permanent markers:
I could sit around sniffing them all day long. The markers, not the old lady breastses.
::: posted by dan at 3:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 :::
According to orderofsuccession.com, I am currently 1,070th in line for succession of the position of presidency of the United States. Should the 1,070 people listed before me perish, guess who's gonna rule the school, bitches:
I've even got an official looking seal to prove it. Apparently I can increase in rank based on my popularity. I won't hold my breath.
::: posted by dan at 9:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (33) comments
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 :::
Foxnews.com ran this story about tourists stranded in a shelter by Hurricane Emily somewhere on the Yucatan Peninsula. Here is one of the accompanying photos. Sweet dreams, Mr. Plaid Shorts.
This seems like a good opportunity to bring up the embarrassing stories about my roommate K-Mack's sleeping habits again.
::: posted by dan at 11:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Monday, July 18, 2005 :::
Um, did I just read what I think I read?
The headline writer at Yahoo Movies has an awesome sense of humor.
::: posted by dan at 10:49 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Sunday, July 17, 2005 :::
I put new songs in the jukebox. I was thisclose to including The Who's Pinball Wizard this time, but the jukebox's format conversion tool didn't like it for some reason and basically threw up when I requested it be included. I took it as a sign.
I'm currently obsessed with the brand new New Pornographers song, even though I'm not really a fan of the band. The chorus makes me giddy. Meanwhile, the new unreleased Sufjan MP3, The Lord God Bird, was recorded exclusively for NPR, and is legally available for free download here. By the way, the new Sufjan CD (from which I've been playing random tracks for the last three months) just got four stars in Rolling Stone, a nice write-up in Entertainment Weekly, and Pitchfork's highest rating for any CD released so far this year. I'm just sayin' that maybe it's time to jump on this bandwagon.
Also, there were better Peaches songs that I would've liked to include, but they are mostly incredibly vulgar by nature so I ended up wussing out and picking a safer, less interesting track. I don't want to offend your sensitive ears, after all. Having said that, be forewarned that the Sinead O'Connor song has a dirty word in it.
And finally, Stacy recently informed me that The Decemberists are coming to Minneapolis the one weekend in October that I will be out of town, so I am mad at them. Therefore, no Decemberists tracks this time out of spite.
::: posted by dan at 10:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
The whole story behind the absurd, sad story of Murderous Mary the Elephant and her eventual execution is here, but the page seems to be available only sporadically. I'll paraphrase it for you just in case it's inaccessible: Eighty years ago, Mary the circus elephant smooshed her handler's head like a watermelon. So in the eye-for-an-eye-spirit of the time period, they hung her after guns (and reportedly electricity) didn't do the trick. Then eighty years later they opened a gift shop to commemorate the event. I can't imagine what you'd buy there because the image isn't exactly suitable for t-shirts:
That makes me sad.
::: posted by dan at 10:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 :::
I haven't owned a bike since my very first Huffy, which was a ten-ton dirt bike with shiny chrome and padded handlebars (that in my experience served no real purpose when you were flying up and over them, head-first onto the pavement, after trying to do a sweet jump over a golf-ball-sized rock).
I told my mom that I wanted to buy a new bike for riding around the lakes, and she reminded me that I still have that old BMX bike in the garage, and it was still in great shape. As if it would be perfectly normal for a thirty-year-old man to grind around the lake on his BMX. The real problem is that I'm way too self-conscious to wear a bike helmet and I'm worried about my well-being. I'm particularly clumsy, and as you can see, it's quite easy for just about anyone to hurt themselves on a bike:
Now that I think about it, nearly every single memory I have of being on a bike involves me falling off of it.
::: posted by dan at 3:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
I found this online, taken by some astute traveller while driving through Kentucky. I dare say it may be time for a name change, BJ:
On a related note, I was introduced to a man named Buster Goode once, and no it wasn't a porn star.
::: posted by dan at 1:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
Tuesday, July 12, 2005 :::
If you have the luxury of cable TV, then I'd like to remind you to watch Stella tonight on Comedy Central, if only because I like it lots and I don't want it to be cancelled. I know, that's selfish, but it's not like I'm asking you to watch Joan of Arcadia or something. Stella is by the creators of Wet Hot American Summer (and The State), and the first two episodes were mighty good.
Don't feel like you'll be lost if you missed their first two episodes. There is no underlying evolving plot and non-sequiturs are pretty much their bread and butter.
So 9:30 central / 10:30 everywhere else. Be there or be square. Pretty please.
::: posted by dan at 12:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments
Monday, July 11, 2005 :::
If I was in the movie Poltergeist, and said poltergeist wanted to scare me out of the house, it would know enough to send some of these things after me:
From here, where there are - *gulp* - more of them.
[Thank you presurfer, for the inevitable nightmares]
Update: apparently they took the site down, but not before I made a collage. For anyone who missed the actual site, it was seemingly just some VERY retouched pageant girl photos. Real girls. Not dolls. Like the ones you see on those Dateline shows about crazy pageant moms.
::: posted by dan at 11:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (31) comments
This watch looks innocent enough:
Click on the picture to see what it's hiding (prolly not SFW).
Buy one of three different styles here. And please consider all of them to be officially on my wish list. [FP]
::: posted by dan at 11:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Saturday, July 09, 2005 :::
There were TWO celebrity sightings at Calhoun Square this afternoon:
Celebrity Sighting #1: Lindsay Lohan
Walking through the atrium of Calhoun Square, I heard the repetitive "ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod" shriek of an effeminate gay man, also known as the "Lindsay Lohan alarm", so my radar immediately went up. I found the source of the telltale shrieking and then followed his gaze to see that, in fact, Lindsay Lohan was shopping for glasses in a nearby store. So I snapped a bad picture with my camera phone and then bravely entered the shop, with impressive nonchalance, and stood next to her for the next ten minutes while I pretended to shop for eyeglass frames. Forget the fact that I don't wear or need glasses and that I totally took advantage of the poor saleswoman by pretending I was interested in the $650 frames she was hawking... I got to stand next to Lindsay Lohan for ten whole minutes. It was a lot less exciting than I was imagining it would be. She never acknowledged my presence and then she took off to eat sushi, but at least I can check her off my list. Now if only I could bump into Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep while they are still in Minneapolis. What's funny is that last night I was really bored, so I created a mental fantasy which involved me taking Meryl on a site-seeing tour of Minneapolis where we ate Juicy Lucy's and she offered to buy my house for a million dollars because it was just "too damned cute". It wasn't one of my most satisfying celebrity friendship fantasies, but it managed to pass the time.
Celebrity Sighting #2: Me
I know I'm no Lindsay Lohan, but prior to stalking her in the eyeglass store, I got recognized in real life by a planetdan reader for the first time ever. It was frequent commentor Jake, a.k.a my new best friend. It caught me by surprise and my awkward lack of social graces eventually took over, but I have to say it was quite enjoyable. I could stand to get recognized more often. Lindsday Lohan, watch your back. Anyway, now that my big head has deflated a little bit, I can say thanks, Jake, for saying hello. You seemed like a really nice fella. And you confirmed the fact that visitors to planetdan are better than your average joe. I always figured as much.
Here's that Lindsay pic:
I know I know, it's just looks like a mess of bleach-blonde-covered skin and bones, but trust me, it's her.
::: posted by dan at 4:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments
Thursday, July 07, 2005 :::
B* told me about this web promo where you can insert your pictures into the Wedding Crashers trailer, and it is seriously one of my favoritest web applications ever. It even makes your lips move along with the dialogue. I put me and B* into the trailer, but the options for hilarity are so limitless that I have a tummy ache thinking of the possibilities.
Watch the new and improved trailer for the Wedding Crashers, staring Dan and B*, although I don't know how long this link will work. Apparently I'm not supposed to show this trailer to anyone under the age of 21, so if you are a youngster, go elsewhere.
::: posted by dan at 4:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments
Wednesday, July 06, 2005 :::
Up the ladder and out the chute:
Whoever designed this slide is awesome. It reminds me, less offensively, of this classic.
::: posted by dan at 5:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
I want to buy these Oompa Loompa inspired Nike shoes really alot:
Please try to talk me out of it.
::: posted by dan at 5:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
I am not responsible for this brilliant photoshopping, but I laughed when I saw it, just because it seemed so oddly appropriate. And because it reminded me of my own Condi-shopped image from a few months ago.
::: posted by dan at 5:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Tuesday, July 05, 2005 :::
In atonement for posting that ugly dog pic a couple days ago, I'm going to balance out this site's cuteness ratio by posting this today:
Which reminds me of one of my favourite (spelled European-style for added credibility) exchanges of dialogue ever, from Donnie Darko:
Girl #1: Hey, you guys, guess what?! My Mom said the school is closed today because it's flooded.
Girl #2: No way...
Girl #1: Beth's Mom said the boys locker room was flooded and they founded feces everywhere.
Girl #2: What are feces?
Girl #1: Baby mice.
Girl #2: Awwwww!
Southland Tales can't come fast enough.
::: posted by dan at 1:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments
K-Mack and I celebrated the holiday with sparklers, margaritas, and a corndog. I don't suppose margaritas are all that appropriate for the occasion, but we didn't care.
Honestly, it's 12:30am and the trashy neighbors are still lighting firecrackers. It really takes a special kind of person to be entertained by loud noises for that many hours in a row. Actually, it's been days. It started last Friday. I don't understand the fascination. At least sparklers light up.
::: posted by dan at 12:23 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Saturday, July 02, 2005 :::
I jogged at the gym today and showered in the locker room afterwards. I was in a hurry to meet friends for dinner so I didn't really have my head in the game. I exited the shower room to dry off, where there happens to be a full-length mirror for all the narcissists to wink at themselves. I usually avoid viewing the spectacle of my naked body in its entirety (although alluding to it on my blog is a different story), but it's a good thing I peeked today, otherwise I wouldn't have noticed that I had completely forgotten to rinse my hair. And it wasn't just kinda soapy, it was full-on lathered up like one of them babies in those Johnson's Shampoo commercials. I had to hang my towel back up and return to the shower room to finish what I had started. I didn't make eye contact with anyone so I have no idea how many people noticed, but an aerobics class had just let out so the locker room wasn't exactly deserted. Far from it actually.
It kinda looked like this, only naked, and not at a bar, and with other naked men instead of surly waitresses:
Photoshopped shampoo by dan.
I tell you this because I am about to purge it from my memory forever.
::: posted by dan at 12:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Friday, July 01, 2005 :::
My $130 Stanley Kubrick Archives coffee table book has finally arrived, conveniently placed "bahind" my bushes by my friendly FedEx representative. I'm in love with it. All copies in the first printing come with a genuine strip of film from a copy of 2001: A Space Odyssey that was actually owned by Kubrick himself. My particular strip is from the trippy "Beyond the Infinite" portion of the film. Not the most exciting image, but coulda been a lot worse, I guess:
Being kind of a film nerd, it's one of the coolest things I've ever owned. I took a picture of it on my bed as an attempted visual indicator of the book's substantial size, but then I realized that the comparison won't help anyone who doesn't know how big my bed is. Oh well. I also put it on my bed because I'm going to have to make love to it later. I love you, Stanley Kubrick Archives coffee table book.
::: posted by dan at 11:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
I've always wanted a Pug dog because they are so damned cute that I almost can't stand it. It's as if they are so incredibly ugly that they go past ugly and back to cute again. Which makes them twice as cute. This dog, on the other hand, went way past ugly and just kept on going:
Appropriately enough, it holds the title of ugliest dog in Santa Barabara. It kinda looks like a char-broiled yoda.
::: posted by dan at 10:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
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