Wednesday, December 29, 2004 :::
I don't understand. I work out with weights thrice weekly. I've been doing it for a year and a half. But I still have the same scrawny body that the other boys used to mock in ninth-grade gym class. I just always figured I have some genetic predisposition that makes it difficult to gain muscle mass of any kind. The string-bean gene. So what kind of genes do you gotta have for this to happen:
So maybe the string-bean gene ain't so bad after all.
Even more appalling is big muscles on women. Click on an image below for the freakishly best that a Google Image Search on "bodybuilding" has to offer. Warning: The woman in the last image is full-on buck naked, which also makes it the most mesmerizingly nauseating. Her boobies look totally superfluous.
[nsfw! nsfw! nsfw!]
::: posted by dan at 10:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments
I got some good free stuff in the mail lately. Too bad you ain't me. Check it out:
That actually reminds me. Last Christmas I got an anonymous letter in the mail, stating that if I believed in Santa hard enough I would get a very special imported Radiohead CD off of my Amazon.com wish list. But it's been over a year and the thing never arrived. Who's the gift tease out there? C'mon, fess up. Yer plan backfired because I definitely don't believe in Santa now.
::: posted by dan at 4:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 :::
My coworker sent me this link. Sports Illustrated sure knows how to cover a catastrophe: SI.com: Swimsuit model survives tsunami
Phew, tragedy averted, I guess.
On a lighter note, I got this image emailed to me by a faithful reader who scanned her local newspaper. Now, I haven't been to church in a while, but this Santa looks like he might put on a good show:
At least this will push that picture of poo in the previous post further down the page.
::: posted by dan at 3:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Sunday, December 26, 2004 :::
Let the post-holiday depression begin. I started out Xmas weekend with a bang by accidently getting way too drunk on Xmas Eve Eve (against K-Mack's stern warnings). Most of that evening is a blur, but I do remember performing some embarassing dance moves on the elevated platform. So I spent Xmas Eve hungover and having brunch with friends and watching my sister's dog while she is on vacation. Then I fell asleep on the couch during my third consecutive viewing of A Christmas Story. Still hungover on Xmas day, I went to my mom's where my four-year-old nephew stuck his butt in my face, made farting noises, and said "I'm farting in your face, uncle dan." This went on for ten minutes. But it was fun nonetheless. Then I went home and watched A Christmas Story some more and The Sound of Music. On the day after Xmas, my parents and K-Mack's parents came over for their annual viewing of our Xmas decorations. Not having learned my lesson, I had too much wine. We sat by the fire, and then my sister's dog shat on my couch:
All things considered, it was actually a pretty perfect Xmas. Every single gift I got this year was awesome. Not that I'm trying to show off my loot or open myself up to interested thieves, but here is my gift list (items I asked for are astericked):
Soft and Fluffy Hand Towels*
Handmade Bathroom Cabinet*
Nice Wooly Sweater
Strangers with Candy Season 3 DVDs*
Arrested Development Season 1 DVDs*
New Stylish Tie
The Wilco Book*
Future Dictionary of America Book + CD
Dave Eggers: How We Are Hungry Book*
Chocolate Bottles with liquor in them
Pepperidge Farm Pirouette Cookies + Tin
Gliding Jesus Action Figurine
Damien Rice B-Sides CD
Godiva Chocolate Liquor for Chocolate Martinis
Fancy Smelly Aveda Hair Care Products
Various Stocking Stuffers
Some Dog Shit on my Couch*
What a haul!
::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 :::
This is my new favorite video:
Right click here to download the full movie.
::: posted by dan at 3:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Every time a celebrity releases a perfume or cologne, I have a hard time accepting that it doesn't smell like their bottled sweat or personal odor. Antonio Banderas' new scent is called Spirit, which is really gross for many different reasons. And who wants to smell like Antonio Banderas? Especially knowing full well what such an odor has been known to attract:
Yikes. Anyway, a bottle of Spirit would be the worst christmas present ever. Just a warning.
::: posted by dan at 10:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Monday, December 20, 2004 :::
What's funny about this Scared of Santa site is that you gotta kinda sympathize with the wailing children, because some of these Santas are inarguably unfriendly in appearance, to say the least:
I never once enjoyed seeing Santa at the mall, not from afar, not up close, and certainly not while sitting on his lap.
::: posted by dan at 1:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Saturday, December 18, 2004 :::
About two years ago I bought a sweater off the clearance rack at Banana Republic for $9.99. I wore it maybe four times over the next year and then I forgot about it in the back of my closet. Last week I happened across it while hiding some Christmas presents and decided I would work it back into my wardrobe rotation. So on Wednesday night, I re-debuted it to my coworkers at our casual holiday party, and of course this happens:
That figures. It's not the first time that my coworker and I have been caught wearing the same sweater, either. He's like my doppelganger, only for discount sweaters.
::: posted by dan at 4:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
My friends Yoav and Stef just got back from a crazy vacation tour of southeast asia, including Japan, Thailand, Cambodia, China, and Vietnam. I had a hard enough time adjusting to Schwipp-Schwapp instead of Coca-Cola when I went to Germany. Being a sheltered American, I have a distorted view of asian countries, so whenever I think of "vacations" in that part of the world, I think of things I wouldn't ever want to experience, like uncurable diarreah, chicken flu, SARS, or horribly disgusting nightmare-come-true cuisine. After viewing their vacation photos, it seems I'm not totally off base in my ethnocentric prejudice. This one is from dinner time in China. Fried bugs on sticks. Kinda like the State Fair meets Fear Factor:
But then some other pictures seem to show that maybe it's not so different over there after all, like this picture of a wish they saw at a temple in Japan:
From her lips to Buddha's ears.
Anyway, welcome back guys.
::: posted by dan at 3:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Friday, December 17, 2004 :::
Public speaking is a lot of people's worst nightmare, so I can totally sympathize with this poor guy. But honestly, next time duck behind the news desk if you feel a hurl coming on.
::: posted by dan at 5:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 :::
Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever seen a whale penis:
Isn't nature wonderful?
I don't get how that thing doesn't flop all around behind them while they are swimming. Anyway, I consider this post to be educational, not salacious.
::: posted by dan at 3:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (30) comments
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 :::
I've been celebrating xmas all over town. Photographic evidence:
Actually, here are some photos for real:
K-Mack's Office Party '04
Here you will get to see me wear my one and only suit, which cost me $540 when I bought it, and has since been worn nine times, bringing the price down to a not-yet reasonable $60 per use.
Robbin + Laura's Rockin' Christmas Party '04
Here you won't see the photographic evidence of dan being a drunk idiot, just everyone else. Not that I wasn't drunk. I just didn't get photographed while being so. Being in possession of the camera for most of the evening helped dodge the bullet on that one.
::: posted by dan at 10:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
I went to Art School for a year. This is way cooler than anything I ever saw there. (Er, except for that tin cat sculpture you did that one time, B*Dubb). I also walked around a million art galleries in Chelsea when I was in New York a couple months ago, and I still didn't see anything this awesome.
::: posted by dan at 10:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Sunday, December 12, 2004 :::
I know, who am I to judge? But I'm gonna judge anyway, so here are my most favorite and least favorite movies, songs, CDs, and books of the year. And more. Click on this admittedly lame graphic I made for the occasion:
::: posted by dan at 10:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
Friday, December 10, 2004 :::
As an early Christmas present, enjoy this video of dan lip-synching to the Go-Gos, circa 1991, in a wig and a Hawaiian mu-mu dress.
Right click here and select "save target as.." to download.
It's 5MB, so it will take only a couple minutes on broadband, but up to 20 minutes on dial-up, and it may not be worth it, unless you really want something new to make fun of me about.
::: posted by dan at 10:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments
I never got random toys when I was younger. Gifts were restricted to birthdays and Christmas, without exception (unless you had your own money, which with my two-dollar-per-week allowance was nearly impossible). And even on birthdays and Christmas it wasn't like a gift avalanche or anything. It was pretty modest, in fact.
I remember one winter when I was maybe eight years old, my mother told my brother and I that she had a special surprise for us if we were really good, did our chores, and helped her out around the house. At the end of the night, after we had busted our asses all day complying with her every wish, she told us it was time for the surprise. She sat us on the couch with our PJs on, went to the closet, and came back with our reward: The Sears Catalog. Our bonus for the day's exemplary behavior was to browse through the toy section to drool over the pages and pages of stuff we would never dream of actually getting. Mind you, we didn't get to pick out a toy for all of our hard work or anything like that. We just got to look at them. Apparently, to my mother, that was prize enough. And I was so accustomed to not getting random gifts that I didn't even question it for a second.
This is the other end of the spectrum. From Wired.com:
An Arkansas boy who got wind of the Christmas gift his mother bought him allegedly assaulted her and threatened her with decapitation. The 13-year-old demanded that the present be returned and the cash handed over to him, then backed up his demands by picking up a butcher knife with an 8-inch blade and threatening to use it to cut off his mom's head, police said. "He said that all would have been well if she had just bought him the correct present," said the officer who arrested the troubled teenager.
Danny's gifts, age three or four:
See? Look how happy I was with my $1.50 worth of plastic. Oh, and I got a Go-Bot for easter once.
::: posted by dan at 3:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Wanna see what must be the most embarassing wedding photo ever? It's got some accidental nudity in it, so it ain't suitable for work, but I'll give you a tease and then you can click it to see the actual image if you're in a safe environment:
Kinda serves her right for releasing doves at her wedding. It doesn't get any more cliched than that.
::: posted by dan at 11:43 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Laptops a Hot Fertility Issue
My current, and most common daily position via camera-phone:
::: posted by dan at 11:01 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Wednesday, December 08, 2004 :::
It's Bush, dusted in glitter, and ready to compliment your christmas decor. Finally, George W. Bush is where he belongs: strung up in a tree. Okay, that was maybe a little harsh.
And it's only fifty bucks. I never realized how much Bush looks like Liberace.
Via The Presurfer.
::: posted by dan at 4:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
I have a Hyundai. It's an economy car. I thought I was being budget-wise and environmentally friendly when I bought it, because I would get a great warranty, free oil changes for life, and it's not one of those gas-guzzling SUVs. But this week at the gas pump, I did the math and realized than I am only getting 19 miles to the gallon. So all that preachy "SUVs are evil" talk you've heard me spewing for years? Total hypocrisy.
Worse even, that free oil change business that the dealership calls "The VIP Treatment"? Total bunk. Sure, you get four free oil changes a year. But in order to "qualify" for the "VIP Treatment" you need to keep up with their adjusted maintenance schedule, which means you need a special check-up every 15,000 miles, which for most people is once per year. The 15,000 mile check-up costs $159.00 and consists of changing the oil, rotating the tires, testing the blinkers, and lubing the door latches. Oil changes are normally $30 max. That's $120 per year. Rotating tires can run you up to $20 twice per year. You can test the blinkers in your driveway for free. That equals $160. No wonder they can afford to give me free oil changes for life: because I am already paying for them.
My Hyundai is a good car and has served me well, but for $159.00 a year, I can lube my own latches, thank you very much.
::: posted by dan at 1:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 :::
According to a poll of "2,000 U.K. moviegoers" (Not a very good cross-sampling. I have no idea why this was newsworthy), Titanic's “I’m the king of the world!” is the cheesiest movie line ever. But I have to add my own:
"They say an elephant never forgets. But the truth is: you never forget an elephant." Larger Than Life: Bill Murray
Anyway, here's the rest of the list:
Titanic: Leonardo DiCaprio’s “I’m the king of the world!”
Dirty Dancing: Patrick Swayze’s “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
Four Weddings And A Funeral: Andie McDowell’s “Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.”
Ghost: Demi Moore’s “Ditto,” to Patrick Swayze’s “I love you.”
Top Gun: Val Kilmer to Tom Cruise: “You can be my wingman anytime”
Notting Hill: Julia Roberts’ “I’m just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love her.”
Independence Day: Bill Pullman’s “Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
Braveheart: Mel Gibson’s “They may take our lives, but they will not take our freedom!”
Jerry Maguire: Renee Zellweger to Tom Cruise: “You had me at hello.”
The Postman: A blind woman says to Kevin Costner: “You’re a godsend, a savior.” He replies: “No, I’m a postman.”
::: posted by dan at 8:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
I was at Target over my lunch break (to pick up the Gilmore Girls Season 2 Box Set - Yippee). Sometimes going to discount chain stores is like visiting the zoo. It's like watching wild animals in their natural habitat, only for dumb humans. For instance, I got to watch (and photograph) a fun exchange between a couple frumpy clueless women and this older-than-average Target employee. Seemingly unaware that the term "Wifebeaters" was not a brand name akin to Fruit of the Loom or Hanes, they caused quite a hullabaloo that went something like this:
Trashy lady: "Scuse me, you got Wifebeaters?"
Elderly Target employee: "Whitebeaters?"
Trashy lady: "No, Wifebeaters."
Elderly Target employee: "I dunno let me check." Gets on walkie talkie. *beep* "Frank? Do we carry Whitebeaters?"
Frank: *beep* "Whitebeaters?"
Trashy lady: "No, Wifebeaters, W-I-F-E, Wife, like as in you beat your wife."
Elderly Target employee: "Oh goodness, oh my, I don't think we carry anything like that."
Trashy lady: "They are T-shirts. I was told to get Wifebeater T-shirts."
Elderly Target employee: "Oh, well you may want to try Walmart."
Where else could I have witnessed that?
::: posted by dan at 2:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
In what I'm sure was a flurry of akward-looking naked clumsiness, I managed to drop my deoderant, my underwear, and K-Mack's curling iron into the toilet this morning. It had been recently flushed, and I fished it all out rather quickly and cleaned it up immediately after, but sorry anyway K-Mack.
::: posted by dan at 1:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Friday, December 03, 2004 :::
Jesus is appearing in dental xrays now:
And that cheese sandwich with the virgin Mary on it that sold for $28,000 on eBay? It's goin' on tour.
::: posted by dan at 5:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Thursday, December 02, 2004 :::
I got my first xmas gift today:
Fart in a Can! Stacy and I practically wet ourselves when we first discovered this amazing product a few years back. I donated my original Fart in a Can to my former place of employment, where it eventually dried out. This new can is fresh and just wet enough to provide hours of enjoyment. Buy one for everybody you know. They make excellent stocking stuffers.
::: posted by dan at 9:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 :::
I need a haircut. I sincerely envy bald men, or people who can shave their heads, because having to get a haircut every four weeks is a pain in the ass. Sadly, my head is improperly shaped for shaving:
See. No good. But then I thought it would look better with a little scalp stubble. And then maybe throw in a goatee, for that full-on butch vibe:
But then I thought I should just keep the hair but test out other options:
Oh well. My head is lumpy anyway, so these mock-ups aren't very good approximations. I need a haircut.
::: posted by dan at 2:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Gilmore Girls was really good last night. Even Paris had a good subplot. I don't know how I feel about the whole Marty/Logan thing they have developing, since Marty is a boring simp, but the rest of the episode was top notch. I don't know why I feel like I have to apologize for liking The Gilmore Girls every time I post about it.
No new episode next week, but that's ok because next Tuesday we got something even better:
Season 2 on DVD! It's gonna be a Gilmorific December!
::: posted by dan at 1:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
This is the best opening sentence to a news article I've ever read:
A man accused of pointing a loaded handgun at a police officer says he's only guilty of wearing tight jeans.
It's not exactly what you think, but it's still kinda funny.
::: posted by dan at 1:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
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