Tuesday, October 31, 2006 :::
I wonder what kind of commotion you would cause in your neighborhood if you just gave away old canned goods for Halloween. I wouldn't mind unloading some creamed corn or a couple of K-Mack's Ramen noodle packs. Or those nasty low-cal ice cream bars that have been in the freezer for six months. Or, like, a slice of bread.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, what are you going to be? If you're having problems thinking of something scary, you could always go as my newly developing double chin:
Dan Mask Download
::: posted by dan at 5:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments
This is some cool body painting:
This is some not cool body painting. (Caution: Nudity, both real and fabricated.)
My mother used to buy us these water-based colored pencils formulated especially for face-painting. When I was twelve, she made me work the face-painting both at the local church fair (you see, I was considered artistically gifted, which really meant "bad at sports"). I could draw two things: E.T. and a wavy American Flag. Sometimes I could draw them both together. Most of the time, the special colored pencils would run and mix and form a big red, white, blue, and brown blob that looked like E.T. throwing up all over the American Flag. All the little kids who paid to have me paint their faces were very confused. I could also draw Pac-Man, but by 1987 that fad was SO over. But I guess E.T. wasn't?
::: posted by dan at 5:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Sunday, October 29, 2006 :::
This year for Halloween, I was Tommy Lee, mostly just because I wanted to wear tattoo sleeves and pad my crotch:
I grew out my facial hair, bleached some jeans, grabbed some drumsticks, and never looked back. I tried to get Cherry Nut to wear a nude suit, a red bathing suit, and a blonde wig to go as my Pamela, but she wasn't interested, so it was just solo Tommy Lee. My awesome new scrolling message LED belt buckle had six different messages that I could alternate, but I settled for the simple "Dr. Feelgood" just to reinforce the costume.
I feel this is the best picture of the costume in action, since I appear to be VERY in character:
P.S. if you tell people you've padded your crotch, they will squeeze it:
The rest of the pictures are available right here, if you are interested, although there is some slight nudity involved (but not of yours truly).
This also, of course, means that I updated My Halloween History.
::: posted by dan at 4:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006 :::
My network television debut was sixteen years ago this month, when K-Mack and I got interviewed by a local-news beat reporter while walking home from school one day. K-Mack got more air time than I did, although they misspelled her name and misclassified her grade. But look at her exuding the highschool attitude:
"People don't want to be outside, alone, by themselves or anything like that," was her line but her delivery was unispired. My screen time was limited and I didn't get a byline, but it still made quite an impact on the viewing public:
My only line was "Yeah, I thought they would have caught him by now...", but I really want to congratulate the photographer for this stunning work. I mean, look at the shallow depth of focus, and how my feathery mullet practically glistens in the soft Autumn sunlight. It's too bad I was wearing a cap so you can't see the accompanying sidespike.
The mullet got chopped off ceremonially a couple months later, and no offense to Sampson, but the power of my magnetic screen presence has never subsided.
::: posted by dan at 10:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments
It's becoming and epidemic! These are always my favorite news stories:
Toddler Stuck in Vending Machine
::: posted by dan at 9:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Monday, October 23, 2006 :::
It's not that I stole the show at the Cwatts & Kwatts Commemorative Karaoke Jam last Saturday night at the local VFW, it's just that I was so much better than absolutely everyone else there. Here are some highlights of my performance(s):
Who are you calling a microphone hog? I'll have you know I belted out renditions of The Carpenter's Superstar, The Beatles' Lady Madonna, and Fleetwood Mac's Say You Love Me that would have made the original artists cry. In a good way. As you can plainly see, I practically had to fight off my hoards of screaming lady-fans.
Okay, so all of my performances were actually duets, and I cropped out the heads of my singing partners, but if you really think you need to see anyone else from the karaoke jam, then you can click here:
The Cwatts & Kwatts Commemorative Karaoke Jam '06
::: posted by dan at 12:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
Kickball season has finally finished. We did the appropriate celebrating. We also made some personalized T-shirts to celebrate our captain's couragous season-long stance against pants:
Pictures to blow your mind.
::: posted by dan at 8:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Sunday, October 22, 2006 :::
This classic is an old newscast from a more innocent time in Minneapolis. Just to help any non-Minnesotans better appreciate the flavor and culture of our fine city:
Dang, dood. The eighties were FREAKY.
::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Tuesday, October 17, 2006 :::
My coworker/pal Jason got engaged last weekend. He planned it out all perfect, seemingly. There was a limo involved and a nice, romantic drive around the beautiful downtown lakes; all he had to do was choose the right moment to actually present the ring and pop the question. The problem was that their conversation in the limo had naturally turned toward the annoyances of the day, which wasn't exactly providing a good segue for the proposal. It got to the point where his bride-to-be started talking about her friends health problems and she said "So, Suzie finally passed her kidney stone last weekend..."
That's when Jason saw his opportunity and seized upon it:
"Speaking of stones..." he said.
Perhaps a kidney stone is not the best association you want to have with your wedding ring. I suppose some kidney stones are worth even more than diamonds, though, considering William Shatner auctioned his off for $33,000 earlier this year. Regardless, I laughed at him derisively and now I share it all with you.
Congratulations, though, Jason. I have some recommendations for you:
First, I think you should get his ring as your wedding band.
Second, you obviously are going to want this for your wedding cake. If not this.
::: posted by dan at 5:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Okay, I admit, it's kind of a trick question.
::: posted by dan at 8:42 AM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
Monday, October 16, 2006 :::
I think my obsession with animated GIFs is somehow related to my obsession with America's Funniest Home Videos. I could watch that show all day.
I could watch this all day, too.
::: posted by dan at 10:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 :::
My Greasy Cooter kickball teams gets a wee bit excited when we win a game. Add in gallons of cheap beer and a karaoke machine and you've got trouble:
Thanks, Sarah, for the vid.
You need sound to fully appreciate T-bone in his boxers, and I don't know how long that video will be up so view it while you can. Or take a look at some of the pictures from the last couple weeks of kickball. This week, the Cooters enter the playoffs with our best record ever: 3-2. Good luck to us!
::: posted by dan at 11:29 AM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments
I have a habit of tying my car keys to the drawstring of my gym shorts when I jog around the lake, and I tend to triple knot it to accommodate for the extra weight. Sometimes I get lazy after such a run and instead of taking the time to untie my shorts properly, I just yank real hard and force them over my hips, while they are still tightly knotted, and throw them into the wash. It can be a delicate procedure that can be somewhat painful, but for some reason it seems easier than trying to dismantle a triple-tied knot at your waist when you're tired and sweaty.
So the other day at the gym I was standing in my underwear and attempting to pull up my gym shorts, but they got stuck just above my knees. I looked down to notice that they were still triple-knotted from a previous jog a few days earlier. Luckily the locker room was empty so I stood there knock-kneed, in nothing but my underwear, trying to untie the shorts at knee-level. But the knot was tight, I couldn't see that far very well, and I had just trimmed my fingernails, so it was a clumsy-looking effort and it quickly became an exercise in frustration. I instantly regretted having already taken off my shirt. There was just too much skin showing to be in that type of awkward position if someone were to walk and witness the scene. Which of course someone did. And of course their locker was directly above mine, so of course they had to stand behind me and wait while I yanked on my britches and swore at my crotch.
After a few agonizing seconds of staring at me with my shorts pulled halfway down, he apparently got impatient and said "'Scuse me, my locker is right above yours," which put me in the awkward position of either having to remove my shorts altogether in order to get myself and my gym bag out of his way, or to try to shimmy my way to the side while basically having my legs tied together at the knees. Regretfully, I opted for the naked shimmy, which was an embarrassing enough maneuver to do in front of one person, but by this time two more had entered the locker room. I no more than finished the initial sideways shimmy when another man said from behind, "'Scuse me, that's my locker," and I had to repeat it.
At this point, I thought "Enough is enough," and I turned around to sit down on the bench in order to give that damned triple-knot my full attention, but the second my butt hit the bench another guy pointed and gestured that I was now in front of his locker. So I had to stand up, knees still tied together, and shimmy one last time, only this time with my crotch facing out, to the very end of the bench. Ten minutes later, I had the knot untied and my shorts pulled up to where they belonged. And I cursed myself for not being a boxers guy. I don't know why I always have to be half-naked in my most embarrassing moments.
::: posted by dan at 7:53 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Friday, October 06, 2006 :::
Planetdan is four. Again, I didn't receive any gifts or well-wishes. You guys are terrible at anniversaries. Had we been married, the disregard and neglect would have forced me to cheat on you by now.
Over one thousand posts, and still as pointless as ever. Hooray!
::: posted by dan at 11:54 AM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments
That new Trivial Pursuit 80's Edition commercial has left me baffled. I don't recognize anyone in the commercial except one of the Corys, Mrs. Garrett (who doesn't seem to have aged a day), and Kelly LeBrock (who, by the way, you no longer have to hate for being beautiful, because she ain't no more):
[Click for Larger]
There might be a Run DMC guy in there. I dunno. Speaking of Mrs. Garrett, does anyone remember this clip from Facts of Life? It's this marijuana episode and the episode where Natalie almost gets raped while wearing a Charlie Chaplin costume that have forever scarred my psyche:
Tootie's Bong [FP]
Wait, is that Cyndi Lauper up there? I would hope not. A Trivial Pursuit commercial seems a little beneath her, even if she is past her heyday. Speaking of Cyndi, and since Halloween is coming up, here is a Halloween costume tip that I got from Bloghungry.com a while ago:
[Definitely Click for Larger]
::: posted by dan at 7:27 AM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments
Thursday, October 05, 2006 :::
::: posted by dan at 10:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Tuesday, October 03, 2006 :::
These are the top ten searches that brought people to my site during the last couple weeks:
1. 9.82% oompa loompa
2. 5.40% thundercats
3. 3.75% unicorns
4. 3.75% whale penis
5. 3.57% jfk
6. 3.42% babies
7. 1.87% emo hair
8. 1.77% watermelon
9. 1.47% senior pictures
10. 1.30% cheeseburger
Funniest: Mr. Miyagi Wax Off
I feel kind of bad about the Unicorns link, because people typing in "Whale Penis" know what they're getting, but I imagine the Unicorn searches are coming from some little girl playing princess who just wants to color a picture of herself on the back of a unicorn or something, and instead she gets this. Oh well. Whatever, I can't be watchin' your kids fer chrissakes.
I suppose I should do something to balance out all the "Whale Penis" hits I get. I don't know what the antidote to "Whale Penis" is, though. Maybe this?
I'm not even sure what kind of creature that is. A muskrat? A lemur? I should probably try to label it properly or my search stats are going to get even more messed up.
::: posted by dan at 10:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments
I can't remember where I first saw this on the internet tubes a couple weeks ago, but it bares repeating, regardless of how ubiquitous it might be. The best mysterious Jesus apparition picture evar, animated to assist the nonbelievers:
It's dog butt jesus, and no it's not sacrilegious: Jesus loves all the little creatures, big and small.
::: posted by dan at 9:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
Sunday, October 01, 2006 :::
I broke down and called an exterminator. I'm paying an extravagant amount of money for some mouse bait traps that he took 15 minutes to place strategically around my house. Then he used some scare tactics to get me to agree to a three month extended service contract that would all but ensure my house be mouse free by 2007.
But I was concerned about the poison. Would the mice eat the poison, crawl into the walls, die, rot, and stink I wondered out loud? "No, no, no," my pest expert replied, "we use special poison that dehydrates the mice from the inside out. So yes, they will eat the poison, crawl into the walls and die, but they won't rot in stink. Instead they shrivel up and harden. Kinda like Mouse Jerky."
I don't know if this is true or if he's just trying to make me feel better, and even if it is indeed true, is mouse jerky the better route to go? Do I really want to move a ceiling tile someday to find a pile of nearly mummified mouse carcasses? I googled Mouse Jerky but got no helpful results.
Homeownership has become really distasteful to me lately. But we caught another one last night. Three down, god knows how many to go.
::: posted by dan at 11:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
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