Wednesday, May 31, 2006 :::
I'm trying to filter everything I say before I say it in 2006. And my earnest attempt at professionalism seems to be paying off. Let me give you an example.
A few years back I took a vacation to Hawaii with some friends. One lively night in the hotel bar we met a couple from California who engaged us in some drunken rambling conversation, spurred on by our common love of Prince music and popular movies. After we got the lounge singer lady to belt-out a pitiful chorus of "Little Red Corvette", the guy politely leaned over to me and asked, "Have you ever seen a movie called 'Free Enterprise' with William Shatner?" I instantly went on a lame drunken tirade that probably sounded something like this:
"William Shatner? Ugh, no way. I'm not watching any movie that stars William Shatner, for chrissakes. That guy is an obnoxious has-been. His acting is a craptastic mess of affected mannerisms and stilted speech. I'd poop in my own mouth before I'd watch that rubbish."*
"Oh," He replied, "I wrote and directed it."
*That last line was slightly embellished. I can't recall what I actually said, and it probably didn't involve pooping into my own mouth, but it was definitely crass, inarticulate, and violently anti-Shatner.
I went out with a friend last week, and he ran into an old classmate who joined us for a drink. While they reminisced about high school, their old cars, and other boring subjects, my mind wandered and I noticed this older-looking lady making her way around the bar. She was pretty much moving from table to table, barstool to barstool, making conversation with any man that dared to inadvertently meet her gaze. From the looks of it she wasn't having any success, but not for lack of trying hard. Then she got up and started walking toward our table. I very nearly said something like:
"Look out, guys, this old gal has been throwing herself at every guy in the bar and it looks like it's our turn."
But I bit my tongue. I didn't want to judge that thumbed-through book by its cover. Perhaps she was just really friendly. Friendliness doesn't imply promiscuity, after all. And it's a good thing I kept my mouth shut, because my friend's old classmate turned to the lady as she approached and said:
Phew. Inner-filter activated. Crisis averted.
::: posted by dan at 7:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments
I'm quoted in this article. Apparently, I'm big on the comedian circuit in Jersey:
Comedians love the president
I love how the article is able to imply that I am some sort of authority in presidential comedy, or that I'm even a comedian at all. I didn't even create that George Bush Falling Bubble thing, I just posted it. And it doesn't exactly get "millions" of hits each month. Closer to 900,000 actually. I'm not sure where the lies originated, me or her, but the rest of the article is true. I am indeed a 31 year old web developer. I love the innernets!
She could have at least given a shout out to planetdan.net, though. Jeesh.
::: posted by dan at 7:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
Friday, May 26, 2006 :::
From my last Greasy Cooter kickball game, the hazards of shotgunning a beer:
We lost the game of course, but by the smallest spread yet, and I hurt my ankle trying to get back to my beer faster in between innings. It's all swollen and ouchy, which puts a hamper on my Memorial Day Weekend plans, but it also gives me a good excuse to lie around and do nothing for a few days.
::: posted by dan at 9:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006 :::
A little over two weeks ago, I sent out a call to participate in planetdan's Name Game '06. I was expecting maybe twenty responses, but I got almost 200. So it took me a while to compile the data, and now, finally, the time has come to share my groundbreaking findings:
The official winner of the planetdan Name Game '06 was, by far, Ellen DeGeneres. But that is only the beginning. You won't believe the results!
CLICK HERE TO HAVE YOUR MIND, LIKE, TOTALLY BLOWN AND STUFF.
Thanks to everyone who participated. It was much appreciated. And interesting. To say the least. But don't worry, I removed all personal names.
::: posted by dan at 12:00 AM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
Monday, May 22, 2006 :::
Today is K-Mack's birthday, so I threatened to post an embarrassing picture of her. This ought to do it:
This, of course, was taken at least seven years ago, before the ubiquity of digital cameras sapped all the fun out of Polaroid pictures. I miss the usefulness of my Polaroid camera. I remember lugging that thing all over my first trip to Hawaii and paying ten dollars for ten pictures, most of which never turned out or faded away within two years. Sigh. Good times. This picture never faded, though!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY K-MACK!
::: posted by dan at 2:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (31) comments
Wednesday, May 17, 2006 :::
Barf Barf Barf!
I think the smell of play-doh ranks right up there with the smell of cold mashed potatoes. someone should market that as a fragrance. I have a VERY vivid recollection of tasting a big lump of play-doh as a kid. Let me tell you whut, that's something you don't soon forget. They can label it Non-Toxic all they want, but you'll think you ate raw sewage.
Speaking of barf... (sorry)
And speaking of dog vomit, I ate dinner at K-Mack's parents house once when their dog barfed on the floor. It ate half of it back up and then they cleaned the rest up with a soup ladle. Maybe this is where I got my phobia of eating soup.
::: posted by dan at 11:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (29) comments
Even in the midst of a drunken pub lift, I maintain my composure.
Look at that poise! I could be a ballet dancer. I even had the presence of mind to throw out a thumbs up.
::: posted by dan at 11:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments
My friend Pimpsmax showed interest in purchasing a Greasy Cooters jersey the other day, and then she gave me the idea of offering some Cooter Gear on cafepress.com for anyone who might be interested. Well, I had no idea that cafepress.com was so simple because 20 minutes later I had an online Greasy Cooter store all set up.
I have mixed emotions about Cooter gear. On the one hand, the vulgar name is utterly distasteful and contradicts my innocent nature. On the other hand, I designed the logos and feel that I did a pretty damned good job.
But cafepress.com is honestly pretty awesome. They got tons of cool products to slap your logo on:
Although it was this product in particular that made me really think I was taking the team name way too far past innuendo...
Did anyone else ever have to watch that old 70's video in junior high economics class where the 70's teenagers with the too-big hair and the too-tight shorts decide to start a T-shirt screenprinting business, expounding on all the hard work involved in business ownership while at the same time providing valuable education about supply, demand, and other totally forgettable economic principles? Or was that just a Minnesota thing? Regardless, times sure have changed because all I had to do was upload a logo and I'm in bidness!
Nevermind that the profit margin on almost every item is only a dollar and that I'd be lucky to sell ten shirts total... Gee maybe I could have learned a thing or two from that grade school video had I paid more attention.
::: posted by dan at 12:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
Monday, May 15, 2006 :::
You might think that at 31 years of age I'd be getting too old to play kickball, but you'd be right.
Kickball Season Five started a couple weeks ago. I skipped the first game, but made a good showing at game two. I even scored the first run. This is the only picture of me from the game, taken right before I made that big red ball my bitch:
There were injuries, as the teammate we like to call Bad Apples bloodied his forearm. Then T-Bone thought it would be cool to transfer the blood stain to his own shirt and wear it in solidarity, kinda like a trophy or something. He thought it was pretty bad ass at the time but I bet that in hindsight he's thinking that wasn't such a cool idea after all.
Down is Greasy, up is Cooter!
::: posted by dan at 1:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments
Wednesday, May 10, 2006 :::
When I was about eight, my dad came back from a business trip with some souvenirs for me and my brother. They were T-shirts from a restaurant he had visited in Florida. I remember him telling us how he had a good time there. Apparently it was a rowdy place. It was called Hooters.
Please keep in mind that my Dad was, and still is, the lead guitarist for the church choir. We spent the majority of our free time with church friends, if not at the church itself. My mom worked part-time coordinating the ecumenical education for the parish's children. I'd never heard my Dad use a curse word, and he certainly didn't have any Playboys hidden in his nightstand.
Sure, this was decades ago, before Hooters was a household name. But the owl's eyes were clearly breasts; the word "Hooters" can hardly be misinterpreted even while taking into account the visual pun of the owl; and the catchphrase that was splattered across the back, "More Than A Mouthful", was not exactly veiled. But my cute little innocent mom and dad clearly had no idea.
Our wardrobes were extremely limited when I was a kid, so we wore those shirts incessantly and for years, totally oblivious to their lascivious origin. All I knew was that it had a cool owl on it. We wore them to church fairs, friend's houses, holiday functions, everywhere. I think it's funny to imagine someone letting their eight year old boy run around the annual family-oriented church retreat in a Hooters T-shirt that advocated suckling large breasts. I don't even want to know what other parents were imagining the "More Than a Mouthful" catchphrase would imply on the back of an eight year old boy. The 80's were clearly a much more innocent decade. Either that or my parents were just totally naive. Whatever the case, I wish I still had that shirt because I bet it would be some sort of collector's item by now.
Hooters has a REALLY good buffalo chicken sandwich though. Seriously.
Another interesting story about dan and Hooters: the one time I actually ate there, Skid Row was at the next table, but without Sebastian Bach. I know, meeting Skid Row without Sebastian Bach is like listening to INXS without Michael Hutchence, but still.
::: posted by dan at 12:47 AM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments
I haven't posted about the Gilmore Girls in a while because Lorlie has been pissing me off this season. Her stupid whiny passive-aggressive woe-is-me attitude was really starting to grate. But I liked the ending of the season finale tonight. Sure, it wasn't as good as when Rory gave it up to pilsbury dough-boy Dean at the end of season 4, but what Gilmore Girls needed badly at this point was a big rusty wrench thrown in the mix, and that's finally what we got.
I think it's funny when people get mad at fictional characters. I was in my room the other day when K-Mack ran in, visibly irritated, and said "You have to turn on the TV, this lady is really pissing me off." But I was busy. So she insisted. Finally I succumbed and turned on the TV expecting to see some lame talking head on a news magazine show speaking in absurd counterpoints to K-Mack's political worldview, but instead I found some bad sitcom pilot called Teachers, or at least it was about teachers or something. "But this is a sitcom," I said. "Yeah, I know," she replied. "A bad sitcom," I continued, "Yeah, I know," she followed. "But she's a fictional character," I queried, "Yeah and she's a total bitch," she answered. She was all worked up. It'd be like if I stormed around the house all mad at that pastor guy from 7th Heaven for being such a smug, self-righteous ass. Actually, I think I've done that before.
There is way too much WB going on in this post. My apologies.
::: posted by dan at 12:23 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Sunday, May 07, 2006 :::
Book orders were awesome in elementary school. Once a month, we'd receive a single sheet of full-color newsprint with countless books and children's publications from which to choose. (Proof that childhood reading pays off: I refused to end that last sentence in a preposition, regardless of how awkward it sounds in its proper format).
Every three months or so, my mom would give in to all my begging and allow me a two dollar limit. This left me few options, so I usually ended up ordering the latest issue of something called Peanut Butter magazine - a publication so beloved that I can't even seem to find any evidence online that it ever existed. All I remember is that one issue had a picture Scott Baio on the cover and I seem to recall it accompanying an article about the benefits of brushing your teeth.
I was reminded of all this because I found an old book on K-Mack's bookshelf the other day. It's totally Book Order fodder:
It basically lists out all of the "Super Stars" of late seventies/early eighties television, and then gives you their vital statistics.
For instance, did you know the Kristy McNichol, nicknamed "The Wiz", was a borderline OCD neat freak? Or that Jaclyn Smith has a passion for animal training? Anyway, you can read all about Melissa Gilbert, Pam Dawber, Penny Marshall, Dianne Kay (?), and so many more. It's awesome because it all serves as a build up to the grand finale: Henry Winkler. The way this book paints it, the Fonz was more popular than jesus.
But apparently, the book's owner was not a fan of Willie Aames.
I was more partial to Three's Company, myself.
::: posted by dan at 11:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments
In the spirit of spreading the job, here's a few links to videos I've been obsessed with lately. Some old and some new. This post is also in the spirit of getting that jesus pancake off the top page:
Flip That Collar, Bitch [from goldenfiddle]
Not Abba, Not Even Close [from presurfer]
The Ultimate in Unfortunately Named Products [from FP]
They are safe for work, if not altogether tasteful. The music video was probably the highlight of my month.
::: posted by dan at 10:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006 :::
This is the first time that I can actually see the jesus in the pancake!
I'm not going to run out and pray over it or anything, but I've never been able to actually see the holy mother or jesus in the food item/tree trunk. For me, holy visions have always been like those stupid 3D stereograms that people complain they can't see. I just stare and nod and pretend like I see the second coming in the faux-wood grain pattern on a door, but really I'm just fakin'.
But not anymore! I once was blind, but now I can see! He's kind of wonky-eyed, though. Pancake jesus is ugs. I guess a griddle in the face will do that to a guy.
::: posted by dan at 1:56 AM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments
Wednesday, May 03, 2006 :::
It's no secret I have a small obsession with the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The other day I found a collage of the original stars, 25 years later. Sure, it's always interesting to see 50-year-old Oompa Loompa, but it was the picture of the modern day Augustus Gloop through me for a loop:
It looks like he showed up for the interview in character, with the original costume and everything. It really creeps me out in a Whatever Happened to Baby Jane kinda way.
You can see the whole collage of characters here.
Of course, all of this is available on the new edition DVD, but screw you for lookin' a gift horse in the mouth.
::: posted by dan at 5:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Monday, May 01, 2006 :::
I bought this children's book the other day at the store because it said it was authored by "Gervais" and I just assumed that Ricky Gervais had written another children's book. Turns out that he had nothing to do with this book, but I didn't regret the purchase after I got to this page:
Click to see a couple more.
Not everyone enjoys the humor, though.
::: posted by dan at 12:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments
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