Friday, May 30, 2008 :::
A whole lotta fail goin' on:
It's hard to tell who's failing harder here.
::: posted by dan at 8:33 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Thursday, May 29, 2008 :::
The "Octopus Girl" has lots of extra limbs. Four, to be exact. Doctors are removed them, and apparently you can watch the whole thing on some National Geographic documentary next month:
I, too, am a medical marvel. I still have two baby teeth that never fell out. Apparently it would be an ordeal to have them removed. Probably not as big of a deal as having four extra limbs removed, but I guess some little girls from India are luckier than certain thirtysomething boys from Minneapolis.
I also have what a doctor once told me could be the beginning of a third nipple on my chest, and although another doctor recently informed me that it is most likely nothing more than your average skin blemish, I'm choosing to believe doctor #1 just for the novelty of it.
A certain friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, tells me that she never has to cut her toenails. The implication was that they just don't grow and that they always retain the perfect length and shape, but I'm more inclined to believe that they are just thin and brittle and maintain themselves by regularly breaking off into her shoes and socks.
And finally, I've recently heard TWO separate secondhand accounts of another kind of medical marvel. One person tells me that they know a girl who swears by her claim that she only poops once every two weeks. Another person tells a similar story of an acquaintance who claims to poop only once a month. I, of course, can't verify either of these claims, but I find them fascinating nonetheless. I can't even begin to imagine what one must feel like toward the end of such a "gestation" period, and I can only assume that such a person would require multiple wardrobes based on what point they are in their "cycle" - due to the subsequent gut bloating - but I'd really rather not explore that concept any further.
I guess everyone is a medical marvel in their own right.
Bonus Related Animated GIF
::: posted by dan at 12:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Wednesday, May 28, 2008 :::
I know at some point I said I wasn't going to post any more photos or animated GIFs of kids barfing, but that was a lie.
Barfing in public is like a rite of passage for a kid. Unfortunately, I was never afforded the opportunity to barf in public. I've come close - barfing in front of family members at home - but I think in order to count it has to be in front of strangers or lesser acquaintances, and it should also not be alcohol induced.
And anyone who has had the chance to barf in public should count themselves lucky, because you will never be forgotten. I, for one, can easily recall every kid at school who ever barfed in front of me as well as the circumstances surrounding it. It's a sure-fire way to go down in history and to be remembered forever. For instance:
1. Dominic Forte - Barfed in class after hitting his head on the ground too hard during recess.
2. Michael Throndson's Sister - Barfed on more than one occasion and had the talent of acting very casual about it.
3. Joey C. - Barfed while eating a cupcake during a celebration after a class play performance.
4. Shane V. - Barfed in kindergarten after getting over-excited that he was chosen to be first in line to walk to the restrooms.
See? And that's just the few I can vividly recall off the top of my head that occurred prior to fifth grade. Sure, it might seem traumatizing at the time to barf in public, but you'll be glad it happened later when you realize it's the only thing people remember about you from grade school.
::: posted by dan at 9:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments
Posting Onion Articles: The Mark of a Blogger Novice?
::: posted by dan at 8:53 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Friday, May 23, 2008 :::
This is less funny ha-ha and more funny-oh-that's-interesting-slash-hypnotizing. It also might be a little cathartic if you can mentally replace the faces with whomever might be most deserving in your mind at the moment. In my case, my default effigy is always Bush or Cheney or Bill O'Reilly:
A Slo-Mo Slap in the Face
A Slo-Mo Punch to the Jaw
::: posted by dan at 11:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
I got my WiiFit on Wednesday, and we hadn't known each other for even five minutes before it called me fat:
Even worse, it altered my previously-created Mii so that it would more accurately represent the reality of my morbidly obese shape, rather than the svelte version that my delusional self-image and I were more comfortable with:
I don't know whether this is supposed to motivate me or make me want to bitch-slap the balance board.
::: posted by dan at 9:18 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Thursday, May 22, 2008 :::
Appointments for which you should NEVER be late:
1. Dentist Cleanings
I was 20 minutes late for the dentist once and the hygienist, who apparently had to delay her lunch break due to my tardiness, practically raped my gums with some unwaxed floss. It was entirely unpleasant.
2. City Court
Those bitches just have NO sense of humor whatsoever.
3. The Hairstylist
Today I was 15 minutes late to my haircut appointment, so the stylist took a slice of my ear as a penance:
I actually felt a slight poke when she cut me, but for some reason I was too embarrassed to say anything and I was uncharacteristically too manly to yelp, so it wasn't until the ear started to drip blood that she said something. "Oh, I think I may have cut you..." she said. "Oh really? I hadn't noticed..." I coolly replied, totally building up my street cred while secretly wondering how many other ears she had recently lopped off and if those scissors had been sterilized in the mean time. Then I apologized to her for causing the unfortunate incident by being late and making her rush, which is probably what quashed any chance I had of a free haircut.
So lesson learned: Always be on time, and that's one to grow on. Or alternatively: never apologize for being late if you lose a chunk of ear and want a free haircut.
Or maybe I should find a new place to get a haircut. This place looks interesting:
Just kidding, hairstylist (in case you're reading this).
::: posted by dan at 1:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 :::
Better than Cheese Heads, I suppose.
Speaking of embarrassing hats, I was recalling the other day about how I can distinctly recall wearing a sailor's hat to the mall on more than one occasion. I was cringing, and imagining myself to be about 8 or 9 at the time of that poor judgement call, but then I realized that my brother didn't go into the Navy until I was 14, and I don't recall having access to a sailor's hat prior to that. This memory has saddened me deeply, so I would sincerely like to give it the old Eternal Sunshine treatment, so I'm requesting that reality please catch up with Hollywood asap, kthnxbye.
::: posted by dan at 9:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Friday, May 16, 2008 :::
Let's get simple with an old-school fall-down-funny animated GIF this time:
Showing Off + Karma = Oil + Water
::: posted by dan at 4:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Thursday, May 15, 2008 :::
I went to the flag store at the Mall of America this week to find some patriotic giftware in honor of someone who recently passed his American citizenship test. But it turns out that it's seemingly impossible to be patriotic these days without being xenophobic and racist at the same time. Almost every single item in the store was eyerollingly barfworthy in a "these-colors-don't-run" kind of way, including this cute little sign, which was conveniently located right next to the coin collector books that kiddies buy to hold their special edition state quarters:
Finally, just the item I've been lookin' for: something to display the pride I have in my fear of strangers and people with AIDS. USA! USA! USA!
But my feeling of elitist superiority quickly waned when I went to the Dollar Store with hopes of buying some cheap red white and blue decorations. I was excited to find a felt top hat that was constructed with a stars and stripes pattern, but I couldn't find a price tag, so I waited in line for my turn at the counter where I asked the gawky 16-year-old boy at the checkout (a mirror image of dan circa 1991), "How much is this? I can't find a price on anything," and he smugly replied with his best-yet-unintentional Simpsons-Comic-Book-Guy cadence:
"Sir, you are at a dollar store."
The not-so-slightly overweight lady behind me - who literally had curlers in her hair - snorted at my unfamiliarity with Dollar Store procedure. She was laughing. At me. With curlers in her hair. At the dollar store. In a pink T-shirt over white leggings. At me. With curlers in her hair. At the dollar store.
I was about to get indignant when I realized I didn't even have a dollar to purchase it. So I had to forfeit my place in line in order to find enough additional dollar-priced items to justify a credit card purchase. USA! USA! USA!
::: posted by dan at 8:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Tuesday, May 13, 2008 :::
I saw this retro-image online the other day and it brought back a deluge of intense personal memories, circa December 1978:
I was three years old, and my very first recognizable feeling of INTENSE WANT came in the form of the Stretch Monster. I wanted it so bad that it was all I requested for Christmas. I asked my mom, I asked my Dad, I asked my grandparents, I asked the too-skinny Santa at the mall, and I probably asked random strangers in the toy department.
(On a side note, I remember when I was younger I used to believe that if I looked sad and pathetic enough in the toy aisle - like some poor little Match Boy beggar - that some stranger might take pity on me and buy me something just to see my frown turn upsidedown. This, of course, never actually happened, which is probably a good thing because I imagine that the only random strangers actually buying toys for disadvantaged-looking boys in toy stores are probably pedophiles - but maybe I'm just too cynical. Regardless, I spent many-an-afternoon perfecting my audible "sad sigh" and standing with exaggeratedly forlorn facial expressions in front of the latest Transformer, never to have that dream fulfilled.)
Fortunately for me, Santa got me what I asked for that year:
[I actually remember being annoyed that I had to stop playing with my Stretch Monster long enough to pose for this stupid picture.]
Unfortunately for me, it wasn't nearly as stretchy as my three-year-old mind was imagining it would be. I fantasized I would be able to stretch it across entire rooms and around parking lots and all the way to the corner store. So on that very same day, when I finally exerted as much strength as my three-year-old muscles could muster and stretched it nearly a foot above and beyond its normal arm-span, I was obviously shocked to see that it started to pop at the seams, oozing a clear syrupy jelly that I probably shouldn't have tasted. But I was only three and toxic toys were generally not a much-debated issue at my house in the 1970's.
My subsequent sickness was surely due more to the disappointment of the whole situation rather than the actual ingested innards of a cheaply made stretch toy. My dad tried to mend the doll with some electrical tape, which only stopped the hemorrhaging temporarily. But I learned an important lesson that year about bracing myself for disappointment, especially when you want something really bad. It's an inverse proportion kind of thing: the more you want something, the more it will disappoint you when you finally get it. Therefore, always keep your expectations exceedingly low.
::: posted by dan at 12:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments
Monday, May 12, 2008 :::
Just saw this on the Onion and thought I needed to post it, in light of my general dislike for smug, obnoxious parents:
It's funny that joking about their inflated sense of moral superiority makes me meel morally superior. And so the cycle continues...
::: posted by dan at 8:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Friday, May 09, 2008 :::
Gives new meaning to the phrase "crotch rocket".
Just to provide a little related personal history, my most painful crotch damage ever came from a dodge ball during gym class and lasted for days. But it wasn't funny. Not at all. The funniest was probably teeter-totter related. I was maybe ten years old and at my friend Dorianne's house and I lost my balance at the zenith of our teetering and somehow slipped around and fell directly under my end of the apparatus. When Dori got off the teeter-totter to check on my well-being, the teeter-totter made a violent thud back into its usual resting position, which happened to be directly on my no-no place. It didn't hurt incredibly bad, but I bet it would have been hilarious to catch on video.
::: posted by dan at 1:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 :::
I made this for my mom for Mother's Day because I try to steer clear of the syrupy sentimental stuff, but I gotta admit that I think I actually look pretty bad ass:
Little does my mother know that the only reason I didn't totally go punk in senior high school was because I couldn't pull it off. In fact, my one attempt at a cool alternative-style hair-do ended up looking more pageboy than skater boy:
dan, circa 1992
Nice try, dan, but no cigar. Or maybe it was the collegiate preppy-guy sweatshirt that was making it hard for me to complete the look and sell the attitude. Although I do recall purchasing a bad-ass magnetic stud earring at Two-Plus-Two (because my mom wouldn't allow actual male piercings in her house - hmmm, maybe my mama did influence my overall appearance after all).
Oh well. At least I wasn't into crappy country music like the rest of my graduating class. I refuse to even photoshop what I might have looked like had I gone down that tired old path.
::: posted by dan at 12:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments
Sunday, May 04, 2008 :::
Apparently "shadows" are a new artistic medium. I've seen some fairly impressive examples of shadow art in the last few months. People are using shadows to:
Tell a Story
Draw a Picture/Make a Social Statement
Create Profiles/Animate the Inanimate
But these folks are just barely cracking the surface of the possibilities. Let me create some shadow art that will literally blow your mind, planetdan style:
Winner = Me
Although I think the older I get, the more I appreciate my own juvenile humor. I probably told more sophisticated jokes when I was twelve, only without the aid of animated GIFs. The only thing that's evolved on planetdan over the last thirty years is the technology. :(
::: posted by dan at 4:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments
Friday, May 02, 2008 :::
Some people might think that this is cruel, but I think it is perfectly acceptable:
Who ever said only certain kinds of squirrels can fly?
Speaking of critters, I watched this mouse run in circles for nearly twenty minutes the other day. I wasn't sure which one of us was more pitiful: the mouse, who couldn't figure out how to stop himself from turning right, or me, who watched him for twenty minutes with utter delight:
::: posted by dan at 11:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
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