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Thursday, May 15, 2008 :::

Stay Classy, America

I went to the flag store at the Mall of America this week to find some patriotic giftware in honor of someone who recently passed his American citizenship test. But it turns out that it's seemingly impossible to be patriotic these days without being xenophobic and racist at the same time. Almost every single item in the store was eyerollingly barfworthy in a "these-colors-don't-run" kind of way, including this cute little sign, which was conveniently located right next to the coin collector books that kiddies buy to hold their special edition state quarters:

Finally, just the item I've been lookin' for: something to display the pride I have in my fear of strangers and people with AIDS. USA! USA! USA!

But my feeling of elitist superiority quickly waned when I went to the Dollar Store with hopes of buying some cheap red white and blue decorations. I was excited to find a felt top hat that was constructed with a stars and stripes pattern, but I couldn't find a price tag, so I waited in line for my turn at the counter where I asked the gawky 16-year-old boy at the checkout (a mirror image of dan circa 1991), "How much is this? I can't find a price on anything," and he smugly replied with his best-yet-unintentional Simpsons-Comic-Book-Guy cadence:
"Sir, you are at a dollar store."

The not-so-slightly overweight lady behind me - who literally had curlers in her hair - snorted at my unfamiliarity with Dollar Store procedure. She was laughing. At me. With curlers in her hair. At the dollar store. In a pink T-shirt over white leggings. At me. With curlers in her hair. At the dollar store.

I was about to get indignant when I realized I didn't even have a dollar to purchase it. So I had to forfeit my place in line in order to find enough additional dollar-priced items to justify a credit card purchase. USA! USA! USA!

::: posted by dan at 8:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button

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5 previous comments:

My sister used to work at one of those stores. She said people asked "How much is this?," every five seconds until she wanted to strangle the next person who said it.

They really need to rethink the whole no-signage, no-price-tag thing.

By Blogger Twinkie, at 6:27 PM  

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Toby Keith for President!

What should I do? Laugh, cry, claw my eyes out, tear at my clothing and hair or punch a stranger?!

By Blogger Karla May, at 8:57 PM  

Well, I've been to dollar stores where some of the nicer items were more than 1 dollar, so you're question was justified Dan, even if the Curler lady thought it was funny(wtf would she know anyway w/curlers in her hair fer chrissakes?).

By Anonymous August, at 7:30 PM  

I was at a dollar store and there was tons of signs that said "everything a dollar!" I decided to get a pair of crappy flip flops. When I went to check out the man told me it was 6 dollars. I told him I thought this was a dollar store and he said read the sign! above the flip flop sign was a banner that said dollar store: flip flops 6 dollars.

By Anonymous Kylee, at 12:03 AM  

A few years back, I got lost around Northern VA trying to find a party store. I found a strip mall with a liquor store and figured I'd stop in for the start of my party shopping. While I was there, I asked where I could get cheap party supplies. The liquor store guys came up with two recs: Dollar General and Everything for a Dollar. But then one of them said, "actually you should go to Dollar General. The other one is always so much more expensive." I left laughing so hard (to myself, sans curlers in my hair). I mean, aren't they both dollar stores? How could one be so much more expensive than the other? Oh, but maybe Everything for a Dollar had a little asterisk next to their sign that said "except the flip-flops...those are 6."

By Blogger Radha, at 4:08 PM  

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