planetdan

Thursday, July 02, 2009 :::

Ouch, my back!

Vacation hurts my back. Maybe it's the biking through the countryside, or maybe it's the fact that european beds are literally like bedrock, or perhaps is just that I'm old at 34. Regardless: ouchypoo.

J-Squared managed to snap a few secret pictures of me while I was doing some back-stretches, and against my better judgement (and in the spirit of the "fair is fair" altruism, since I would have posted the same pictures of him, had I caught them), I have animated the covert photos for you here. In the future, perhaps it will stop me from doing such inadvertently perverse-looking exercises in the future (in the presense of other human beings, anyway):

I'm going to regret posting that, aren't I?

::: posted by dan at 9:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Where in the world is planetdan?

I'm all like Matt Lauer, chillin' in other countries for the week. Can you guess where I'm at?

I'll give you a hint: this dude below is named Oliver the Devil. He's some rogue hairstylist of the king who got all lynched and stuff for being a general jackass. He's from where I'm at today, although I don't know why on earth they erected a memorial to the jerk:

In this place I am eating and drinking, so that's not much of a hint cuz I do that everywhere and all the time:

They have puppies and Prince here, so I'm fulfilled and happy. Again, not so great a hint but a lovely picture nonetheless:

I'll have more to post once I find a place with adequate internet access. Seriously, it's like the dark ages around this place when it comes to connectivity. Some people might like that, but it drives me absolutely bonkers.

Bonus Video:

::: posted by dan at 12:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Friday, June 26, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Super Fail Edition)!

Sometimes if you're gonna fail, you better fail BIG.

Super Ice Cream Fail

Super Hammock Fail

Super "Oh-My-God-I'm-So-Fired" Fork Lift Fail

And a very special personal fail moment: I was trying to mock all the Michael Jackson hoopla today, so I told C-Minus that the downtown Basilica cathedral was going to have a very special memorial mass for the musician, with cathedral choir renditions of his biggest hits, and that they were going to ask people to moonwalk down for communion. She believed me. Epic fail.

::: posted by dan at 11:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Thursday, June 25, 2009 :::

Hi, from danny.

::: posted by dan at 7:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 :::

OMG SUPER DRAMA, LAKE SUPERIOR STYLE!

While sitting on our luxurious ocean-view deck on Lake Superior this weekend, I kept hearing the desperate squeal of an obnoxious sounding woman:

"Willy! WILLY! WILLY! WILLY?!??!?!?? OHMIGOD WILLY??!!!!?"

I thought some god-forsaken child was dying-slash-drowning, but it turns out some super-smart-slash-super-stupid mutt named Willy was trying to escape its obnoxious owner, and was willing to swim to Canada if that's what it took.

Seriously, the dog was pretty far out into the raging sea, and it didn't seem to care two whits about the crowd on the shore who kept screaming its name. Nor was it interested in the boat that came to save it from certain death by drowning.

I was certain is was going to drown and ruin my weekend, as things are want to do, but it just kept on swimming, like Dori from Finding Nemo or Forrest Gump sans leg braces. Either way, I figured it probably had plans of living wild in Canada, away from certain political atmospheres and owners in awful sport-bra ensembles. It probably was desperate for release, remembering all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while it could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way... to the EFF-BEE-IIII.

Okay, that was a non-sequitur digression that will probably not be properly appreciated, but I can tell you that the drama on the shore of Lake Superior this weekend was fully appreciated by everyone. Except for Willy, who after being rescued by a not-so-inspiring boat, was only eager to get back in the water and make another break for it.

Unfortunately, he was eventually thwarted from his escape attempt by his shrill owner. Free Willy, indeed.

In honor of the attempt, I present to you: Little Willy as lip-synced by the original band, who were fashion forward enough to don your mother's hairdo and crocheted sweater-vest ensemble decades before she was.

::: posted by dan at 6:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Monday, June 22, 2009 :::

Duluth, 2009

Some people went to Duluth last weekend to cheer on the runners at Grandma's Marathon. I went to participate in one of my favorite past times: spot the bloody nipples. They can be hard to photograph, like rare birds or ghostly specters, but I managed to snag a couple:

I also managed to rate a 10 on the Awesomeness Scale:

And I won the body fat percentage contest, too, scoring over 20% - higher than all of my friends!

And I pretended to get passionate with a very phallic looking cow head:

Oh, and some people I know ran some races and did real good and stuff. But enough about them, I just noticed that the picture of me taking the body fat test is taken at a strange perspective which makes it seem like I'm holding the guy behind the booth like a ragdoll in my grasp. It's kinda really super creepy now that I look at it. Especially with that look on my face...

::: posted by dan at 11:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 :::

Poppin' Pills

This morning I dropped my Zyrtek on the kitchen floor. Distracted by the television and unwilling to avert my eyes from some tawdry news story, I bent down to retrieve the pill using only my peripherals, sweeping my hands across the floor until I located it. I had heard where it had landed so it was no big feat.

But upon popping the pill into my mouth, I immediately noticed a texture that I was not familiar with. I curiously spit the pill back into my hand to realize that it was not my pill at all, but rather some unidentifiable morsel of mysterious origin which was dried up and shriveled, and no doubt way beyond its expiration date:

Surprisingly, I'm somehow able to remain calm during situations like these. I think it's a defense mechanism, otherwise my borderline OCD might trigger a contamination-alert seizure. Instead, my analytical mind took over and I tried to identify the mystery nugget.

It kind of resembled a lemon seed, but I can't for the life of me remember the last time there would have been a lemon in my kitchen. Or alternatively, it could have been a chewed-up olive pit, which is a much more likely yet much less desirable possibility. I didn't have any other theories, so I smashed it with a frying pan to punish it, and then I put it into the refuse bin, where it should have been banished months ago.

If I didn't have such a discerning tongue, I could have unwittingly swallowed the thing with a gulp and then been royally peeved a couple hours later when my Zyrtek was seemingly ineffective. And then where would I have turned for my allergy relief? It was sort of a reminder of the lesson learned from the rat-loaf a couple posts down: always look before you eat.

::: posted by dan at 8:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Monday, June 15, 2009 :::

Strange Days

Yesterday at the Mall of America, this dood was running around in full-body spandex and jumping in water fountains:

He gurgled and burped and sounded like Emo Philips mixed with Gomer Pyle. He'd bathe himself in fountain water until the mall cops would come sniffing around. Then he'd start running around in evasive circles, as if suffering from palsy, leaving wet footprints in his wake. All the Japanese tourists seemed to love it. I was baffled.

And while we're on the subject of baffling surrealism, I had a dream last night that I won some prestigious poetry contest by penning the following limerick. In the dream, I had to read it in front of a fawning audience with incredible pretension and utter sincerity, like it was the most important poem ever written. I was even in a tux. It moved the audience to tears:

I always carry a spit,
For the people who don't care a bit,
For a ring and a dime,
I'll surrender my time,
But if moon were my surface, I'd quit.

For the record, the "spit" being referenced was the type you might roast a pig on, and the "For a ring and a dime, I'll surrender my time," phrase makes me sound like some sort of whore, but the rest is beyond me. Sleeping brains are effed up. Please analyze and interpret. Thanks in advance.

::: posted by dan at 5:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Friday, June 12, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Animals are Cruel Edition)!

Animals aren't the sweet innocent creatures people like to think they are. They can actually be quite cruel...

...to each other.

...to other species.

...to humans.

And sometimes they taste good in malt loaf.

Don't be fooled!

::: posted by dan at 12:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 :::

Ratatouille 2: Back to the Bakery

Just another reminder to always look before you bite:

Man Finds Dead Mouse in Malt Loaf

What's a malt loaf? Bon Appetit!

::: posted by dan at 11:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Monday, June 08, 2009 :::

Jesus is watching you pee.

I've recently been sifting through years of digital photographs in preparation for a mass upload to Flickr. I'm tired of managing my own photo sets on planetdan and Flickr is apparently willing to host and organize twenty gigabytes worth of images for only $25 a year. In the process, I've come across some interesting photos, such as this one, where I managed to expertly ruin what would most likely have been a perfectly precious memory with some well-timed photo snipery:

But it was this photograph that startled me the most:

Taken from an awkward overhead angle, my eyeballs must be mid-blink, because I still can't decide if they are opened or closed. And the more I stare at the picture to puzzle it out, the more I want call an exorcist.

My repulsion to this picture is probably due to the fact that my mother had an awful painting of Jesus' disembodied floating head that she hung in the bathroom hallway, directly opposite my bedroom door, during my entire adolescence. It was titled "Veronica's Handkerchief" by Gabriel Max, and if you stared at it long enough, Jesus would open his eyes and look at you, shamingly:

You can see a larger version of it here to get the full effect, but I don't think I recommend it. Or at least 12-year-old danny - waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom - doesn't.

::: posted by dan at 7:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Friday, June 05, 2009 :::

Superstar!

My friend Stacy and I attended a Karaoke Jam with friends in Northeast Minneapolis last weekend.

We sang duets of Cyndi Lauper's She-Bop and Prince's Erotic City (whose lyrics were a total surprise to me - I always thought it was "F*cks are free to you and me," not "F*cks so pretty you and me." But no matter, I got to swear on stage either way.)

But it was our rendition of The Carpenter's Superstar that was the most confounding. We somehow managed to clear the entire dancefloor with what I thought was a pretty solid version of the classic, which lead me to believe that it was a song that was just too sophisticated for the crowd. I looked around bewildered at all the blank faces and vacant stares. It made me disappointed in the youth of today, who apparently could not appreciate the brilliance of one of the best songs written by one of the best bands ever.

Or at least that is what I assumed was the case, until I discovered that I had accidentally recorded a video of the event when I thought my camera was turned off. Please forgive the Cloverfield-esque cinematography, as I was unaware the cameras were rolling:

You can see me looking around for any type of validation or appreciation at the end of the video, but receiving absolutely nothing in return from the crowd. Perhaps Carpenters songs are a bit too high for my register. And perhaps I don't have the fine singing voice I once thought I did. I can only imagine what the chorus must have sounded like once the tempo picked up and my falsetto came into play.

::: posted by dan at 10:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Friday, May 29, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Sports are Hard Edition)!

I have nothing but empathy for this child, because I know the feeling:

FRUSTRATION

Or course, the screams of frustration on the original video really contribute to the experience in ways that just can't be captured in animated GIF format:

Bonus animated GIF:
Some people just aren't cut out for the sporting life:
Misfortune rains.

::: posted by dan at 7:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 :::

Bastardos!

A few months back I had a mini-meltdown about how Subway places the cheese on their subs in a stupid overlapping fashion that defies all logic. But some clever internet sleuth with a camera has proven me wrong. There apparently is a logic applied to the madness!

You see?? It's all just a scam to promote orders of extra cheese! Bastards!

So today I got on my high horse and rode to the nearest Subway to order an Italian BMT, and when the Latina sandwich artist placed my pepperjack in the usual overlapping fashion, I said with just a tad of smug self-righteousness, "could you please make sure that the cheese doesn't overlap?"

When she replied, "What?", I wasn't sure if a) she had not heard me, b) she was caught off-guard by my stupid request, or c) I had misjudged her familiarity with the English language.

I repeated my stupid request and she queried, "you want extra cheese?"

"Aha!" I thought, preparing for the subsequent consumer-rights battle in my head. I said, "no, I just want you to flip that middle piece of cheese so that it covers all the bread."

I expected resistance, but she got the best of me by retaining total eye-contact with me as she flippantly flopped that middle piece of cheese, as requested, and pushed the sandwich into the waiting hands of the veggie expert down the line. Her vacant expression and cold stare were the only cues I needed to understand that this battle was not only beneath her, but that I had absolutely no chance of winning regardless.

I walk a little less tall today.

::: posted by dan at 8:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Monday, May 25, 2009 :::

Memorial Day

I think it's ironic (in that particular Alanis way) that I'm lacking much memory of our Memorial Day barbecue last night. I was looking through the photographic evidence of the event when I came upon these pictures:

I have a recollection of challenging Nico to a "forehead fight" but I can't remember why, or where the concept of forehead fighting even came from. I'm assuming this was post-jello-shots, but prior to the sparklers in the firepit? Does anyone have a theory?

Regardless, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE!

::: posted by dan at 10:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Sunday, May 24, 2009 :::

This post unfortunately lacks the requried sound effects.

The other day I got a mysterious phone call where nobody seemed to be on the other line. But when I listened closely I could hear the distinctive *ticka ticka ticka* of furiously typing fingers. I figured somebody must have accidentally called me via speed dial, but I didn't recognize the number. I started to scream "Hello?!??!?" into my phone in order to get the typer's attention, but all I ever got in response was that incessant *ticka ticka ticka* sound.

Rather than hang up, I went through my online address book to try to identify the mystery typer, who was apparently writing an epic tome and had yet to offer even the slightest pause. *ticka ticka ticka*

Finally, I discovered the culprit: it was my project manager from work. All that *ticka ticka ticka* suddenly made sense because that girl can type like the wind. Conveniently we are always connected via Instant Messenger, and she was clearly sitting at her computer, so I patiently waited for my moment.

Suddenly the *ticka ticka ticka* stopped and on the other end of the line I heard *ACHOO* followed immediately by more *ticka ticka ticka*. "Gesundheit," I quickly typed into Instant Messenger and hit send.

I could hear the familiar *bing* noise of her receiving the message on the other end and the *ticka ticka ticka* suddenly stopped cold. After a moment of silence I heard a tiny feminine giggle followed by more *ticka ticka ticka* and then the distinctive sound of her hitting the Enter button. My own computer *bing*ed as I received the return message of: "Ha. What?" She giggled again, and the *ticka ticka ticka* returned.

I immediately replied, "Don't laugh at me. I can hear you giggling." Send. *bing*

Again, the *ticka ticka ticka* stopped cold. Paused for a tad longer than what was comfortable, and then started up again, ending in a *bing* on my end which was accompanied by the message:

"You're freaking me out."

At that point I had to come clean and explain that she must have mistakenly called me and that I could hear everything she was doing. She laughed, fumbled around for her phone, and confessed that she felt lucky she wasn't doing something more embarrassing.

I felt the urge to deepen the charade and tell her that I'd been listening for hours and that I had heard MORE than enough, but I thought I should just let it go. You gotta know when to let the joke die.

::: posted by dan at 9:46 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Friday, May 22, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Close Calls Edition)!

I don't want to be considered "unadventurous," but I tend to avoid putting myself in certain perilous situations. Some groups of people apparently don't have the same concern for prudent caution as I do, and they should be thanking their lucky stars on a daily basis. In particular: gymnasts and rally race audiences.

Close Call Gymnast #1: Mere Millimeters From Certain Tragedy

Close Call Rally Race Audience #1: Mere Millimeters From Certain Tragedy

Close Call Gymnast #2: Timing is Everything

Close Call Rally Race Audience #2: Timing is Everything

::: posted by dan at 4:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Sunday, May 17, 2009 :::

Stuff I'm Doing; and Stuff I Shouldn't Be Doing

I know I haven't posted much lately, but it's not my fault. Blogger is being all stupid and work is being all busy. But I can assure you that I am still the same old dan.

For instance, today I went to the Home Depot to pick up some acoustic ceiling tiles to replace a couple damaged ones in my basement. I wheel them out to my car and push the remote unlock button on my keys, but I don't hear the mechanisms click. I try it again, but still no luck. Finally, I give up on modern conveniences and go in to unlock it manually, but to my surprise the back door is already unlocked. I silently chastise myself for being so absent minded as to forget to lock my own car.

With some difficulty, I maneuver one ceiling tile into the back seat. The things are fragile, so when they hit a hard edge or a car part, they burst into dust. It's kind of a mess, and so I silently chastise myself for not planning ahead enough to bring some blankets to protect my car seats from the obnoxious white powder.

That's when I hear: "Excuse me?" I turn around. A lady is standing by me with her own cart.

She says, "That's my car."

I turn back, and indeed I've shoved my acoustic ceiling tile into the back of someone else's Hyundai. Somehow I had failed to notice the unfamiliar air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror or the copy of Oprah Magazine in the passenger seat. I apologize profusely, and thankfully she thinks it's funny and has a good laugh at my expense while I try desperately to wipe up the dusty mess I've made all over her back seat. I silently chastise myself for being dan.

I wonder how she's going to tell that story to her friends. I wonder if she still laughs as she remembers the sight of my ass hanging out of her back seat, swearing under my breath while I awkwardly shove a ceiling tile against her upholstery.

This is some other stuff I've been up to:

Ice

Dice

Entice

::: posted by dan at 9:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Friday, May 15, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Back to the Gym Edition)!

I'm back at the gym. Turns out Tony Horton's 10 Minute Trainer only works if you actually do at least 30 minutes of it a day. Screw that.

In order to not get bored with the routine of the gym again, I've started trying all new machines and exercises. Turns out nothing sucks anything less than anything else when you are at the gym. Double goes for those big stupid exercise balls, which I can't stay balanced on no matter how hard I try.

Some guys are really good at it.

Some guys are really not.

I'm really not, but I'm not stupid enough to try anything like that, either.

::: posted by dan at 8:56 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments