Darling Niklaus

Just going to plop this here for posterity.

My sweet little innocent xmas version of one of the most filthiest songs ever recorded. Just to mess with some minds.


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KAX 2016

It’s that time of year again! Let’s jam to some rad xmas tunes together!

1. Christmas Time Is Here … Meaghan Smith
2. Christmas Daze … Glow Kit
3. Jingle Bells … Leftover Cuties
4. I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus … The Bridges
5. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town … Jay Manero & His Disco Band
6. A Swingin’ Little Christmas Time … Jane Lynch
7. Kadoka, South Dakota … The Living Sisters
8. Christmas Candy … Margaret Whiting & Jimmy Wakely
9. Carol of The Bells … The Last Bison
10. Christmas Moon … Brooke Waggoner
11. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas … Naomi & Goro
12. It’s Christmas & I Like You … National Parks
13. It’s Christmas & I Hate You … Josh Weller & Paloma Faith
14. Joy & Beats To The World … Bahia Deluxe
15. Dasher With The Light Upon His Tail … Kitty Wells
16. Jesu, Joy Of Synth … Lindby
17. Jolly Old Saint Nicholas … SHEL
18. Bradfield … Kate Rusby
19. Winter Wonderland … Big Band RTV Slovenija & Alenka Godec
20. Holiday Road … Matt Pond PA
21. Winter Things … Ariana Grande
22. Señor Santa … Y La Bamba
23. Just Another Christmas Song … Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
24. Merry Christmas Everyone … Lucy Rose & Rae Morris
25. Les Clochettes … Agnès Chaumié
26. Auld Lange Syne … The Lonesome Travelers

You should email me if you wanna know where to get some tunes!


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KAX 2015

Looks like I’m down to one post a year now! I like xmas music in the xmastime. Sorry not sorry.

1. I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm – Ingrid Michaelson
2. White Christmas – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
3. Christmas Time All Over The World – Sammy Davis, Jr.
4. Time of Year – Opus Orange
5. O Holy Night – Beta Radio
6. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Allie Moss
7. Numbah’ One Day Of Christmas – Hawaii Calls
8. Fat Aunt Bette – Andrea Perry
9. Deck The Halls – The Last Bison
10. Hail Chime On – Kate Rusby
11. Walking In A Winter Wonderland – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
12. Merry Happy Christmas – The Living Sisters
13. Whatever You Want – Dressy Bessy
14. Never Do a Tango With an Eskimo – Alma Cogan
15. Winter Trees – The Staves
16. All That I Want for Christmas – The Rescues
17. White Winter Hymnal – Pentatonix
18. Carol of the Bells – Future of Forestry
19. Wannadies Christmas – Allo Darlin’
20. Winter Moon – Mindy Gledhill
21. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – The Three Suns
22. You Meet The Nicest People – Dinah Shore
23. Christmas Time With You – David Ian
24. O Little Town of Bethlehem – Twinset
25. All I Need – JY Royster
26. Christmas 1984 – Brandi Carlile

You want some tunes? Send me your email addy!

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KAX 2014



1. DECK THE HALLS Priscilla Ahn
2. WINTERVENTION The Classic Brown
3. SILVER BELLS Tal & Acacia
6. WINTER NIGHT Tessa Rose Jackson
7. THE FIRST NOEL Allie Moss
8. O, HOLY NIGHT The Eastern Sea
9. DEEPER THAN YOU KNOW Marc Scibilia & L. Nash
10. WINTER WONDERLAND Earth, Wind & Fire
11. SLEIGH RIDE The New Christy Minstrels
12. THE MAN WITH THE BAG Black Prairie
13. NO ROOM IN THE INN The Blind Boys of Alabama
14. SUGAR COOKIE Sugar & The Hi Lows
15. TRY TO LOVE Ben Kweller
16. OLD TOY TRAINS Jessica Lea Mayfield
17. PATAPAN Mindy Gledhill
19. DEAR SANTA Persil
20. JESU JOY OF MAN’S DESIRING Future of Forestry
22. ATTABOY, CLARENCE! Endor Endor
23. SNOWFALL Ingrid Michaelson
24. BIG BULBS Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
25. TIN FOILED Andrew Bird
26. AULD LANG SYNE Lord Huron

Email me for deets n stuff.

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New Product Alert: Gold Coke

I know that Brussels is very proud of its Manneken Pis fountain, but there’s gotta be a better way to promote your product in Belgium, Coke. There’s just gotta.


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Dark Ruminations: Goonies Edition

The Goonies is inarguably the best movie ever made and I’m sure we all agree on that. But it also masks a dark, disturbing reality when you peel away at its shiny veneer. Some sad-but-probably-true facts about The Goonies:

1. “You’re gonna live with me now, Sloth.” Yeah right.
Most parents won’t let their kids bring home a stray dog, let alone a 7-foot mentally-disabled mutant that smells “like phys-ed.” So when it’s suggested toward the end of the movie that our hero Sloth might be heretofore staying with The Family Chunk, you can bet that his parents put the kybosh on that fantasy the second they were out of earshot from their fellow Goonies. Nope, sorry fans, Sloth probably lived out the rest of his troubled life in some medium-security halfway home for adults living with fetal alcohol syndrome – hopefully sans chains.

2. Um, what scary octopus?
The novelization of the movie released the same year describes a scene where the Goonies encounter a man-eating octopus in the cavernous waters where the pirate ship is secretly harbored. The scene was even filmed and then later deleted, only to be seen 20 years later upon the DVD’s eventual release. But you know what scene they didn’t cut? The scene toward the end of the film where Data curiously exclaims to the fawning reporters that “the octopus was really scary,” leaving the original viewing audience with no other alternative but to conclude that Data is clearly a devious liar, prone to embellishment, if not outright deceit. Nope, sorry fans, but the movie’s editors were clearly Asian-hating racists.

3. How many Baby Ruths does one Chunk need?
Toward the beginning of their adventure, Chunk bemoans of hunger, begging his friends for a Baby Ruth candy bar. And yet not 20 minutes later, and without stopping at any corner store for a sugary treat, Chunk tries to appease the creature Sloth with a Baby Ruth candy bar that he pulls FROM HIS OWN POCKET. Nope, sorry fans, but your beloved Chunk is a crafty sociopathic liar, hoarding the very same sustenance of which he deprives his friends.

4. We hate you, fatty.
That clever bowling-ball-initiated Rube Goldberg machine that opens Mikey’s gate toward the beginning of the film is a curious concoction. Because even if one were to go and replace the inflating/bursting balloon after every entrance (negating the whole purpose of the automated gate in the first place), you still would be faced with the fact that a hen only lays an average of one egg per day, and hence the Mikey household could only receive one visitor per day. Yet there are multiple visitors to the home within the first 15 minutes of the film. Only Chunk is forced to humiliate himself for this entrance, meaning the whole sham is just a ruse portrayed by his so-called friends as a punishment for being a fat liar. Nope, sorry fans, but the Goonies are passive aggressive dicks.

5. Good luck with all those aquamarines.
Sorry Mikey’s dad, but a handful of semi-precious stones is not going to stop the bank from foreclosing on your home the day before the bulldozers arrive, let alone the homes of all your son’s Goonie friends. And if you’ve read the original script, which I’m sure you have, there are scenes where Mikey’s dad is portrayed as being – how shall we say – very Sloth-like in mental aptitude. So his triumphant tearing-of-the-contract moment was probably only a minor delay to the whole foreclosure process at best, and at worst it was just a desperate show put on for the benefit of naïve children. I doubt even Father Mikey actually believed they were free and clear of the bank’s greedy grasp. Nope, sorry fans, but the majority of those Goonies probably found themselves homeless in the following weeks, wishing they were Sloth in that half-way home, where at least they could get three squares a day.

6. And while we’re on the subject…
Who says you’ll actually get to keep those gems anyway? Nope, sorry fans, but those Goonies probably left that beach poorer than when they arrived.

7. “No write?? No… pen??”
So wait, in the beginning of the movie Mouth knows the Spanish words for every illicit drug and sexual torture device in the Urban Dictionary, but he can’t remember the translation for the verb “sign” toward the end of the movie? Nice try Mouth, but you’re clearly milking the tension created by that drama for all it’s worth. Nope, sorry fans, but Mouth is an opportunistic prick who preys on the power he gets as he wields his sadistic control over desperate people in desperate situations.

8. The Asthmatic Holocaust
In a particularly climactic moment, Mikey – wheezing from Asthma – is suddenly able to toss aside his inhaler with a defiant “Awwww, who needs it?” Well, you know who needs it, Mikey? How about the 3,500 people per year who die from Asthma-related attacks. That kinda makes Sean Astin the Jenny McCarthy of Asthma deniers. Nope, sorry fans, but The Goonies is probably responsible for more deaths than you can count on 100,000 fingers.

9. You break it, you bought it.
Sorry, Chunk, but that probably was a deposit bottle. That one’s on you.

Here’s to hoping they make that long-promised sequel, so that we can sort this whole mess out.

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A Kickass Xmas 2013

Yay! It’s Xmas season! Who wants to jam with dan?


1. Every Day’s a Holiday – Piney Gir
2. All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth) – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
3. Merried With Children – Ages
4. Amazing Grace – Fulka
5. Carry Me Home – Hey Rosetta!
6. Kris Kringle – Kate Rusby
7. Vive Le Vent – MIKA & Michel Legrand
8. Angels We Have Heard on High – The Brian Setzer Orchestra
9. We Need a Little Christmas – AgesandAges
10. Rock Carol Of The Bells – Terravita
11. Winter Wonderland – Jason Mraz
12. The Christmas Song – Stalker Studio
13. A Minor Key Christmas Medley – Chilly Gonzales
14. Goodbye England (Covered In Snow) – Laura Marling
15. More Than I Wished For – Schuyler Fisk
16. Jingle Bells – Sugar & The Hi Lows
17. Ring a Bell – The InfiniTeens
18. Naughty Naughty Children – Grace Potter
19, Wishes – The Bird And The Bee
20. Baby, Es Regnet Doch – Rita Paul & Peter Cornehlsen
21. Sing Along With Santa – The New Christy Minstrels
22. Silent Night – Venus Hum
23. No Mas Tinsel Tears – The Not Fur Longs
24. Bells – DesandNate
25. Auld Lang Syne – Andrew Bird
26. Merry Something to You – Devo

Email me!

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No Commentary Needed



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I’m mean for laughing so hard at this, but the soundtrack is just too perfectly timed. :(


A Kickass Xmas 2012

Yeah, I don’t post anymore, but I still can kick out the xmas jams.


1. Joy to the World : Kate Rusby
2. Angels We Have Heard on High : Jenny & Tyler
3. Home For The Holidays : Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler
4. Jingle Bells : Pomplamoose
5. Little Drummer Boy : Rags ‘n Goff
6. Santa Stole My Lady : Fitz & The Tantrums
7. Here Comes Santa Claus : Bing Crosby
8. Wonderful Christmastime : The Shins
9. Carol of the Bell : Sarah Jackson-Holman
10. Every Year So Different : Cornerstore
11. 12 Days of Christmas : The Bird And The Bee
12. Dear Santa : Jay Brannan
13. The Dreidel Song : Flash Hawk Parlor Ensemble
14. Trivial Pursuit : Duover
15. Love In A Cold Climate : Fiona Bevan
16. All I Need Is Love (Edit) : CeeLo Green & Some Muppets
17. Sleigh Ride : Jay Manero And His Disco Band
18. I Wanna Do More Than Whistle : Lawrence Welk
19. Hard Candy Christmas : Dolorean
20. Boots (Edit) : The Killers
21. The Holiday Season : Andy Williams
22. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town : Sufjan Stevens
23. Snow Day : Jeremy Messersmith
24. Christmas Auld Lang Syne : Ortolan

I edited out the rapping muppet from that CeeLo song. I just couldn’t deal with it.

If you want to know where one can get such an epic xmas mix, you should email me. Don’t just post a comment, because I’m way too lazy for all that copying and pasting of email addresses…

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A couple years ago,  I posted about the creative failure that is the set of blank nesting dolls that has been sitting in the back the closet for over a decade. Then last year, when I had way too much to do and absolutely no free time to myself, I got a random bee in my bonnet. So I hauled my ass to Michael’s craft store and came home with $40 in cheap paint and brushes. Six or so months later, I have my own little monster family of hand-painted nesting dolls.

What is that you say? It’s a little odd for a 36-year-old man to paint himself some wooden dolls with which to play? Just wait until you find out that I named them and gave them all back-stories as well.

Milford’s just a working stiff. He’s got a wife and four kids to feed, after all. He hates his boss and he carries the lunch his wife makes him to work in a pail every day. Milford is just a nickname, though. It was secretly given to him by his seemingly unassuming wife, who lovingly refers to him as her M.I.L.F., where the “M” stands for “Monster” rather than the more-commonly-used “Mother.” His real name is actually Mumford. So he likes coming home to Ethyl.

Ethyl might look meek and slight in demeanor, but she rules the roost. Don’t mess with Ethyl. Also, she’s clearly a dynamo in the sack. She wears her kerchief as a homage to her Russian heritage.

Junior is either the waddling toddler of the family or the mentally-deranged uncle, depending on my mood. Either way, a lot of drool is  involved, and the shenanigans always start when someone’s watchful eye is distracted long enough for him to sneak out the porch door and terrorize the neighborhood.

Missy is sixteen. She’s hot, but she knows it, so she’s also a bitch. Which is why she’s named Missy. All Missys are bitches, hot or not. She’s grounded right now, and her boyfriend is the boss’ son. He’s a buffoon but at least it irks good ol’ dad.

Ethyl’s mother is just visiting from Scottsdale. Milford can’t wait for her to leave, but Missy likes having her around, because she pays for fast food and takes Missy’s side on everything. Little does Missy know that there will be no trust fund for the kiddies, though. She’s left all her monies to some conservative church that hates abortion.

Pete’s a brat with a Justin Bieber haircut. No one pays him enough attention, what with that bitch Missy, her non-stop drama, and a baby in the house…

Ruff and Mee-Yow
Ruff and Mee-Yow are the family cat and dog. Their back-stories mostly consist of eating the local wildlife and pooping in weird places.

Sweet-Pea is the newborn baby. His back-story also happens to feature pooping in weird places, but he’s also the reason Nana has come to visit, which is the only reason Milford can tolerate that woman’s presence for more than five minutes at a time: at least he can get a solid 5 hours of sleep every night with her help, ferchrissakes.

Skull exists only because I don’t have the skill or dexterity to paint at such a small scale. But I imagine he makes a fun chew-toy for the dog and cat.

So now I can check that task off my list once and for all, and finally open my closet door without the looming judgement of a blank set of nesting dolls. Phew.

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For Your Entertainment/Stress Relief

I made these for myself, because I needed to let off a little steam, but feel free to toss around some douchebags for awhile if you want:

Falling Rick Santorum

Falling Mitt Romney in his Temple Garments

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A Kickass Christmas 2011

It’s that time of year again to bust out the xmas jams.

This year’s KAX mix tracklist goes something like dis:

1. Angels We Have Heard on High by Sarah Jackson-Holman
2. Tiny Tree Christmas by Guster
3. Deck the Halls by Pomplamoose
4. Sweet Bells by Kate Rusby
5. Ain’t No Chimneys In the Projects by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6. Just What I Wanted for Christmas by Bing Crosby
7. Joseph, Better You Than Me by The Killers
8. Do You Hear What I Hear? by Pink Martini
9. Silent Night by Katie Herzig
10. The Christmas Waltz (Remix) by Nancy Wilson
11. White Christmas by Lounge All Stars
12. Frosty The Snow Man by Ella Fitzgerald
13. In the Morning by Jack Johnson
14. Angels We Have Heard On High by Future of Forestry
15. Little Drummer Boy by Erin McCarley
16. Xmas Cake by Rilo Kiley
17. Winter Night by Little & Ashley
18. Christmas by Teddy Thompson
19. Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Allo, Darlin’
20. Mrs. Claus Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me by Little Jackie
21. Mistletoe And Holly by Frank Sinatra
22. Up on the Housetop by Pomplamoose
23. Fruitcake (Remix) by The Superions
24. When the Leaves by Ingrid Michaelson
25. This Will Be Our Year by OK Go

This year I was surprised to find a Bing Crosby song I’d never heard of before, where he sings about a lovely paisely muffler that is just his type. It doesn’t get better than that. And I’ve wanted to put that Rilo Kiley song on my xmas mix for years, but I always decided it was just too weird and depressing for the hoi polloi. Finally this year I thought “Eff that, I’m putting it on there and they’ll eat it and like it.” So it’s on there.

Early feedback is that the remix of Fruitcake by The Superions is the most unappreciated track, but I stand by my decision. I like to pump my fist and shout “…green ones too it’s Fruitcake!” at the top of my lungs. It feels real good. Other than that, the songs are pretty solid this year. I allow my taste in music to stray into twee territory when it comes to Christmas, but I suppose that’s just the nature of the beast. I defy you to not enjoy it.

Oh and the mix tape themed cover is a direct ripoff of this gal’s work. I just updated it planetdan xmas style.

If you want the tunes, I could point you to where they could be acquired if you email me and ask fawningly. Maybe. And you gotta email me. You can’t just post a comment or I won’t have your email address, you dig?



Sexy Halloween Time 2011

I just can’t resist perusing the new crop of “sexy” Halloween costumes that comes out every year. I used to be disgusted yet fascinated. Now I’m just giddy with anticipation come October. Here’s some of my favorites for 2011:

Sexy Childhood Male Icons
Sexy Willy Wonka, Sexy Cat in the Hat, and Sexy Marvin the Martian, all male childhood icons, and all here to confuse you about what’s happening down there in your downstairs.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Unicorn
Seems a bit juvenile to dress up as a mythical animal worshipped by twelve year old girls, but I guess the phallic headpiece makes up for that.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Twix Bar
Are we really doing this now? Sexy food items? What’s next, sexy loaf of bread? Sexy mustard bottle?

Sexy Mustard Bottle
Okay, game on.

Sexy Tin Man
Tin man was the gayest dood in Wizard of OZ. At least she’ll appeal to the latents. If she only had a brain.

Sexy Belle from Beauty and the Beast
This one was almost a normal costume until they had to go and jack up the front, as if someone just yanked the cord on a bad set of curtains.

Sexy Seal/Dolphin
WIthout the head it’s hard to tell what animal this is, and neither would be the worst animal to fetishize, I suppose. But wearing this, you’re begging for seal noises and flapping arm-fin jokes.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Skunk
Wait, wut? I guess at least you could flatulate all night long and just claim that you were really owning the role.

Sexy Beaver on Wood

Sexy Chinese Takeout Container
Ain’t nothing sexier than a greasy fast food container. I know whenever I find a Chinese Food Menu hanging on my doorknob…

Sexy True Blood Waitress
Timely trends are always a bad idea. In five years this is going to look like nothing more than a white T-shirt and a blue mini. Oh wait, it is nothing more than a white T-shirt and blue mini.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Clockwork Orange
Nothing sexier than a bit of the ol’ ultraviolence.

Sexy Bomb
Well that’s a flattering silhouette. Also, maybe a tad too counterproductively chastity-beltish.

Sexy CrazyTime
I have respect for this one cuz it don’t pull punches. These bitches be crazy.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

That’s it! Can’t wait for 2012!

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I’ve become the worst blogger on the planet, obviously. Not only do I rarely post anymore, but it took me over a month to finally get this post together in order to regale anyone who will listen with my recent experience at the


It’s kind of a long one, but I gotta get it all out at once.

So to begin: due to the fact that I live a charmed life (and because I just happened to be going to the right place at the right time, continentally, and because I also happen to have very nice friends), I managed to get myself invited to the Tree of Life when it officially premiered at the Cannes Film Festival back in May. It was the opportunity of a lifetime for a film-nerd/celebrity-whore/name-dropper like me.

Making the trip itself was a lot more difficult than I imagined, but my travel companion and I managed to find our way to Cannes, tuxedos in hand. And after stumbling blindly through the French Riviera, we finally procured what we were told were “the hottest tickets in town, even more so than ‘Pirates‘,” whatever that means.

Until the moment those tickets were in my grubby little hands, I never believed it was actually going to happen. But being in Cannes during the festival is an exciting experience whether or not you are attending any fancy screenings, so I didn’t sweat it too hard.

Unfortunately, my mind is a prisoner of logistics, so rather than anticipating the event with excitement, I mostly worried about how we were going to get to the theater, where we were going to park, how I was going to look in my battered tuxedo, what door we were supposed to enter through, and how I was going to document the whole experience when cameras where expressly forbidden. My stomach was in knots. Subsequently, I took more than my average share of bathroom breaks that day.

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, don’t worry about parking or your scuffed up shoes. Ain’t nobody gonna be looking at your scuffed up shoes and parking is a breeze. You’ll relax more and poo less.

We did a dry run of the whole affair the day before, just to make sure our ducks were in a row, but that did little to soothe my nerves. Then I saw Rob Lowe. Not exactly the high-caliber celebrity-sighting I was anticipating, especially since I find him to be the least-interesting of all brat-packers, but considering the extent to which I’ve been enjoying Parks and Rec lately, it was an exciting enough experience to whet my appetite for the upcoming festivities.

Then on the actual day of the event, we safely arrived at the theater two hours early, which afforded us the opportunity to grab a nerve-soothing martini at the bar across the street. At this point, a drinkipoo was in my belly, my cares were behind me, and I was ready to party.

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, leave time for TWO pre-premiere martinis.

Then it became time to make our way to the theater. The tickets were very clear about two things: get into the theater by 6:40 and be wearing a tuxedo or you won’t be getting in at all, and don’t even think about bringing a camera or you would be duly executed on the spot. So I crotched a camera with very little intention of actually using it, and we headed toward the theater entrance around 6:15.

I had assumed we would be entering the event through the side-door, or some appropriately modest entrance for nobodies, but the signs guided us toward a security check-point which led us down a long walkway which was lined on either side by excited gawkers who were hoping to catch a glimpse of anyone more exciting than me. But I took it in stride and relished in the undeserved attention.

But when we got closer to the theater, we realized we were being funneled onto the red carpet, and I panicked. First of all, I was positive we had taken a wrong turn somewhere and that we were definitely not supposed to be anywhere near the red carpet (and that we were sure to be banished from the event the moment my discount tuxedo breached its border). Second, there was absolutely no one else on the red carpet at the time except for hundreds of professional photographers and paparazzi who lined it on both sides.

My brain immediately went into survival mode, and I thought to myself, “Just look straight ahead, walk fast, and act like you’re supposed to be here. You’ll be inside the theater in no time, and all trespasses will be forgiven.” The empty red carpet looked like it was the length of ten football fields, so I held my breath and took off on a speed-walk — heels up and elbows out — like a middle-aged mom on a treadmill. A few camera-flashes flared from photographers who were probably mistaking me for an ugly version of that Grey’s Anatomy actor, but I was unfazed and resisted the distraction, keeping my speed at just short of a sprint. It was probably the fastest and most determined-looking red-carpet-walk any of them had ever seen.

Finally within the refuge of the theater, we found our seats and sat down to watch the big screen, which depicted a live view of the very same red-carpet I had just left in the dust. It was then that I realized that everyone already in the theater had watched my nervous sprint down the red carpet. I also realized that ALL of the other average joes attending this event were walking down the red carpet. We hadn’t taken a wrong turn after all. And not only that, practically everyone had ignored the no-camera warning, and they were all strolling down the red carpet taking pictures of each other and enjoying the experience like they had no cares in the world.

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, don’t rush the experience and don’t worry about getting kicked out. You can probably hide your camera in a less-awkward orifice. Also: don’t show up so early. That’s what loner losers do.

Once you’re inside, they don’t let you exit the theater, so I couldn’t even try to recreate the experience for my crotched camera. And by that time the really big celebrities were showing up, so the red carpet was off limits. We saw Gwen Stefani (and her has-been rocker husband), Jude Law, Faye Dunaway, Sean Penn, and Brad Pitt. And then Angeline Jolie showed up. The collective gasp from inside the theater was deafening, and she wasn’t even in the movie. It’s like she was hovering two feet above the red carpet. We could only watch it on the screen with stars in our eyes.

When the celebrities finally entered the actual theater, the rest of the attendees went a little ape-sh!t. Everyone mobbed their seats, snapping photos and shrieking with delight. Follow-the-rules-danny was still scared to take out his hidden camera, but after hundreds of people had shoved their cameras into Sean Penn’s face with no reprimand whatsoever, I finally mustered the courage to snap a few quick ones that turned out to be monumentally disappointing, to say the least:

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, forget about bringing a camera after all. You’re too short to get any good pictures anyway.

Pictures or not, I sat in the same row as Angeline Jolie: only 13 seats and one aisle away. Unfortunately, closer to me — in the very next seat, actually — was a tarted-up trollop in a wildly inappropriate dress who was text-messaging for the entire movie, except for when she would pause to roll her eyes and sigh audibly, as if she couldn’t stand having to sit in the theater watching Brad Pitt not take his shirt off.

And then the movie was over and the celebrities exited in a blur of sequins and satin and we were left with an empty red carpet. So we attempted to recreate the amazing experience for the camera, but somehow we ended up with a photo that looks even more fake than if I had actually faked it:

But luckily, we were also invited to an exclusive after party: an opportunity to redeem ourselves and to fully take advantage of the amazing opportunity we had been given! Unluckily, I am a stupid low-class schmuck, and I didn’t realize that anybody who’s anybody doesn’t show up to a Cannes afterparty until 3:00am at the earliest.

We got there at 9:30.

Not that it was a bad party by any means, but we didn’t know anybody there. We had been given eight free drink tickets but we blew through those in 20 minutes and the bar didn’t seem to be taking cash. Every once in a while a celebrity like Jane Fonda would walk in and the crowd would go wild… until he/she was escorted to a prohibited roped-off area never to be seen again.

Worst of all, we had a flight early the next morning, so my logistics-addled mind was starting to seize again. How would we ever get up early enough to catch our flight, what with staying out this late? How long would it take us to get to the airport in this foreign city? What if I couldn’t find a gas station on the way to the rental-car return? They would charge me an arm and a leg!

So at 1:00am, we left the party, pushing our way out through a throbbing crowd who were begging to get in. At that point a sane danny would have thought, “Hey wait, if all these people are desperate to gain entrance to this party, perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to leave?” but the real danny was more concerned with conceptualizing a morning schedule that would get them to the airport two hours prior to departure.

The next morning we discovered that all the movie stars arrived at the party around 3:00am, and that the lines between the roped-off area and the general hoi-polloi were probably significantly blurred by then, meaning my one and only chance to rub elbows with Brangelina had come and gone while I was sleeping. Or not sleeping as it were, since I laid awake all night worrying about whether or not the weight of my luggage would cause any issues upon check-in.

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, just plan on not sleeping. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity ferchrissakes. Also: you need to learn how to pack lighter. Do you really need all those neckties and that neti-pot?

All in all, we really screwed the pooch with how we handled the whole event. But it wasn’t our fault. We didn’t know what to expect or how to act or what to do or where to go, and frankly, we were a bit out of our element. But still, it was probably the awesomest thing that I’ve ever been fortunate enough to experience. I got to walk (run) the red carpet at Cannes, after all. But just imagine if I had not been a panicked little worrywort? I could be besties with Brad by now.

Oh well. No regrets are to be had, and if I were to be entirely honest, I would have to admit that it probably couldn’t have gone any smoother.

Note to Future Dan: If you are ever fortunate enough to get invited to the Cannes Film Festival again, accept the fact that you are not worthy, and then forget about it and go with the flow. Also: maybe schedule your outbound flight for a couple days later, because you obviously don’t travel well.

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