KAX 2017

My annual blog post has arrived!

kax2017

1. Happy Holiday (Remix) // Bing Crosby
2. I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas // Lake Street Dive
3. Jingle Bells // David Ian
4. Snow // Nataly Dawn
5. Feliz Navidad // Carlo Poddighe
6. Winter Time // ARCHIS
7. Christmas Island // Piney Gir
8. Hey Santa! // Hannah Peel And Tunng
9. Everybody’s Having Fun (It’s Christmas Time) // Natalie Prass
10. God Rest Ye Merry Gents // Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
11. What Child Is This? // Lauren Daigle
12. Santa’s Coming For Us // Sia
13. Ding Dong // How To Throw A Christmas Party
14. Xmas for the Jews // Rogue Wave
15. This Is a Christmas Song, My Love // Jaymay
16. Christmas Was Here // Inara George
17. Sentimental Christmastime // The Birthday Kiss
18. Blue Christmas // U.S. Girls
19. Gat her Close // SHEL
20. Under The Tree // Good Lovelies
21. Birthday Cake for Jesus // Shinyribs
22. Will You Please Spend New Years With Me? // Allo Darlin’
23. Champagne (I’m Ready) // Lisa Loeb
24. Auld Lang Silent Night // The Daybreaks
25. Xmas Soul Food // RJD2

Yeah, it’s got Lisa Loeb on it. Deal with it.

I’m sure it exists somewhere for download if you want it, maybe all you gotta do is ask.

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Darling Niklaus

Just going to plop this here for posterity.

My sweet little innocent xmas version of one of the most filthiest songs ever recorded. Just to mess with some minds.

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KAX 2016

It’s that time of year again! Let’s jam to some rad xmas tunes together!

1. Christmas Time Is Here … Meaghan Smith
2. Christmas Daze … Glow Kit
3. Jingle Bells … Leftover Cuties
4. I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus … The Bridges
5. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town … Jay Manero & His Disco Band
6. A Swingin’ Little Christmas Time … Jane Lynch
7. Kadoka, South Dakota … The Living Sisters
8. Christmas Candy … Margaret Whiting & Jimmy Wakely
9. Carol of The Bells … The Last Bison
10. Christmas Moon … Brooke Waggoner
11. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas … Naomi & Goro
12. It’s Christmas & I Like You … National Parks
13. It’s Christmas & I Hate You … Josh Weller & Paloma Faith
14. Joy & Beats To The World … Bahia Deluxe
15. Dasher With The Light Upon His Tail … Kitty Wells
16. Jesu, Joy Of Synth … Lindby
17. Jolly Old Saint Nicholas … SHEL
18. Bradfield … Kate Rusby
19. Winter Wonderland … Big Band RTV Slovenija & Alenka Godec
20. Holiday Road … Matt Pond PA
21. Winter Things … Ariana Grande
22. Señor Santa … Y La Bamba
23. Just Another Christmas Song … Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
24. Merry Christmas Everyone … Lucy Rose & Rae Morris
25. Les Clochettes … Agnès Chaumié
26. Auld Lange Syne … The Lonesome Travelers

You should email me if you wanna know where to get some tunes!

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KAX 2015

Looks like I’m down to one post a year now! I like xmas music in the xmastime. Sorry not sorry.

1. I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm – Ingrid Michaelson
2. White Christmas – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
3. Christmas Time All Over The World – Sammy Davis, Jr.
4. Time of Year – Opus Orange
5. O Holy Night – Beta Radio
6. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Allie Moss
7. Numbah’ One Day Of Christmas – Hawaii Calls
8. Fat Aunt Bette – Andrea Perry
9. Deck The Halls – The Last Bison
10. Hail Chime On – Kate Rusby
11. Walking In A Winter Wonderland – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
12. Merry Happy Christmas – The Living Sisters
13. Whatever You Want – Dressy Bessy
14. Never Do a Tango With an Eskimo – Alma Cogan
15. Winter Trees – The Staves
16. All That I Want for Christmas – The Rescues
17. White Winter Hymnal – Pentatonix
18. Carol of the Bells – Future of Forestry
19. Wannadies Christmas – Allo Darlin’
20. Winter Moon – Mindy Gledhill
21. Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – The Three Suns
22. You Meet The Nicest People – Dinah Shore
23. Christmas Time With You – David Ian
24. O Little Town of Bethlehem – Twinset
25. All I Need – JY Royster
26. Christmas 1984 – Brandi Carlile

You want some tunes? Send me your email addy!

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KAX 2014

HERE I AM AGAIN TO SAVE YOUR XMAS SEASON WITH THE GIFT OF SONG.

Tracklist:

1. DECK THE HALLS Priscilla Ahn
2. WINTERVENTION The Classic Brown
3. SILVER BELLS Tal & Acacia
4. THE CHRISTMAS BLUES Dean Martin
5. THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME Rufus Wainwright
6. WINTER NIGHT Tessa Rose Jackson
7. THE FIRST NOEL Allie Moss
8. O, HOLY NIGHT The Eastern Sea
9. DEEPER THAN YOU KNOW Marc Scibilia & L. Nash
10. WINTER WONDERLAND Earth, Wind & Fire
11. SLEIGH RIDE The New Christy Minstrels
12. THE MAN WITH THE BAG Black Prairie
13. NO ROOM IN THE INN The Blind Boys of Alabama
14. SUGAR COOKIE Sugar & The Hi Lows
15. TRY TO LOVE Ben Kweller
16. OLD TOY TRAINS Jessica Lea Mayfield
17. PATAPAN Mindy Gledhill
18. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN Clanmistic
19. DEAR SANTA Persil
20. JESU JOY OF MAN’S DESIRING Future of Forestry
21. CHRISTMAS FOR COWBOYS Jars of Clay
22. ATTABOY, CLARENCE! Endor Endor
23. SNOWFALL Ingrid Michaelson
24. BIG BULBS Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings
25. TIN FOILED Andrew Bird
26. AULD LANG SYNE Lord Huron

Email me for deets n stuff.

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5 Comments

New Product Alert: Gold Coke

I know that Brussels is very proud of its Manneken Pis fountain, but there’s gotta be a better way to promote your product in Belgium, Coke. There’s just gotta.

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Dark Ruminations: Goonies Edition

The Goonies is inarguably the best movie ever made and I’m sure we all agree on that. But it also masks a dark, disturbing reality when you peel away at its shiny veneer. Some sad-but-probably-true facts about The Goonies:

1. “You’re gonna live with me now, Sloth.” Yeah right.
Most parents won’t let their kids bring home a stray dog, let alone a 7-foot mentally-disabled mutant that smells “like phys-ed.” So when it’s suggested toward the end of the movie that our hero Sloth might be heretofore staying with The Family Chunk, you can bet that his parents put the kybosh on that fantasy the second they were out of earshot from their fellow Goonies. Nope, sorry fans, Sloth probably lived out the rest of his troubled life in some medium-security halfway home for adults living with fetal alcohol syndrome – hopefully sans chains.

2. Um, what scary octopus?
The novelization of the movie released the same year describes a scene where the Goonies encounter a man-eating octopus in the cavernous waters where the pirate ship is secretly harbored. The scene was even filmed and then later deleted, only to be seen 20 years later upon the DVD’s eventual release. But you know what scene they didn’t cut? The scene toward the end of the film where Data curiously exclaims to the fawning reporters that “the octopus was really scary,” leaving the original viewing audience with no other alternative but to conclude that Data is clearly a devious liar, prone to embellishment, if not outright deceit. Nope, sorry fans, but the movie’s editors were clearly Asian-hating racists.

3. How many Baby Ruths does one Chunk need?
Toward the beginning of their adventure, Chunk bemoans of hunger, begging his friends for a Baby Ruth candy bar. And yet not 20 minutes later, and without stopping at any corner store for a sugary treat, Chunk tries to appease the creature Sloth with a Baby Ruth candy bar that he pulls FROM HIS OWN POCKET. Nope, sorry fans, but your beloved Chunk is a crafty sociopathic liar, hoarding the very same sustenance of which he deprives his friends.

4. We hate you, fatty.
That clever bowling-ball-initiated Rube Goldberg machine that opens Mikey’s gate toward the beginning of the film is a curious concoction. Because even if one were to go and replace the inflating/bursting balloon after every entrance (negating the whole purpose of the automated gate in the first place), you still would be faced with the fact that a hen only lays an average of one egg per day, and hence the Mikey household could only receive one visitor per day. Yet there are multiple visitors to the home within the first 15 minutes of the film. Only Chunk is forced to humiliate himself for this entrance, meaning the whole sham is just a ruse portrayed by his so-called friends as a punishment for being a fat liar. Nope, sorry fans, but the Goonies are passive aggressive dicks.

5. Good luck with all those aquamarines.
Sorry Mikey’s dad, but a handful of semi-precious stones is not going to stop the bank from foreclosing on your home the day before the bulldozers arrive, let alone the homes of all your son’s Goonie friends. And if you’ve read the original script, which I’m sure you have, there are scenes where Mikey’s dad is portrayed as being – how shall we say – very Sloth-like in mental aptitude. So his triumphant tearing-of-the-contract moment was probably only a minor delay to the whole foreclosure process at best, and at worst it was just a desperate show put on for the benefit of naïve children. I doubt even Father Mikey actually believed they were free and clear of the bank’s greedy grasp. Nope, sorry fans, but the majority of those Goonies probably found themselves homeless in the following weeks, wishing they were Sloth in that half-way home, where at least they could get three squares a day.

6. And while we’re on the subject…
Who says you’ll actually get to keep those gems anyway? Nope, sorry fans, but those Goonies probably left that beach poorer than when they arrived.

7. “No write?? No… pen??”
So wait, in the beginning of the movie Mouth knows the Spanish words for every illicit drug and sexual torture device in the Urban Dictionary, but he can’t remember the translation for the verb “sign” toward the end of the movie? Nice try Mouth, but you’re clearly milking the tension created by that drama for all it’s worth. Nope, sorry fans, but Mouth is an opportunistic prick who preys on the power he gets as he wields his sadistic control over desperate people in desperate situations.

8. The Asthmatic Holocaust
In a particularly climactic moment, Mikey – wheezing from Asthma – is suddenly able to toss aside his inhaler with a defiant “Awwww, who needs it?” Well, you know who needs it, Mikey? How about the 3,500 people per year who die from Asthma-related attacks. That kinda makes Sean Astin the Jenny McCarthy of Asthma deniers. Nope, sorry fans, but The Goonies is probably responsible for more deaths than you can count on 100,000 fingers.

9. You break it, you bought it.
Sorry, Chunk, but that probably was a deposit bottle. That one’s on you.

Here’s to hoping they make that long-promised sequel, so that we can sort this whole mess out.

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A Kickass Xmas 2013

Yay! It’s Xmas season! Who wants to jam with dan?

Tracklist:

1. Every Day’s a Holiday – Piney Gir
2. All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth) – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
3. Merried With Children – Ages
4. Amazing Grace – Fulka
5. Carry Me Home – Hey Rosetta!
6. Kris Kringle – Kate Rusby
7. Vive Le Vent – MIKA & Michel Legrand
8. Angels We Have Heard on High – The Brian Setzer Orchestra
9. We Need a Little Christmas – AgesandAges
10. Rock Carol Of The Bells – Terravita
11. Winter Wonderland – Jason Mraz
12. The Christmas Song – Stalker Studio
13. A Minor Key Christmas Medley – Chilly Gonzales
14. Goodbye England (Covered In Snow) – Laura Marling
15. More Than I Wished For – Schuyler Fisk
16. Jingle Bells – Sugar & The Hi Lows
17. Ring a Bell – The InfiniTeens
18. Naughty Naughty Children – Grace Potter
19, Wishes – The Bird And The Bee
20. Baby, Es Regnet Doch – Rita Paul & Peter Cornehlsen
21. Sing Along With Santa – The New Christy Minstrels
22. Silent Night – Venus Hum
23. No Mas Tinsel Tears – The Not Fur Longs
24. Bells – DesandNate
25. Auld Lang Syne – Andrew Bird
26. Merry Something to You – Devo

Email me!

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No Commentary Needed

speared

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Inspiration

I’m mean for laughing so hard at this, but the soundtrack is just too perfectly timed. :(

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A Kickass Xmas 2012

Yeah, I don’t post anymore, but I still can kick out the xmas jams.

Tracklist:

1. Joy to the World : Kate Rusby
2. Angels We Have Heard on High : Jenny & Tyler
3. Home For The Holidays : Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler
4. Jingle Bells : Pomplamoose
5. Little Drummer Boy : Rags ‘n Goff
6. Santa Stole My Lady : Fitz & The Tantrums
7. Here Comes Santa Claus : Bing Crosby
8. Wonderful Christmastime : The Shins
9. Carol of the Bell : Sarah Jackson-Holman
10. Every Year So Different : Cornerstore
11. 12 Days of Christmas : The Bird And The Bee
12. Dear Santa : Jay Brannan
13. The Dreidel Song : Flash Hawk Parlor Ensemble
14. Trivial Pursuit : Duover
15. Love In A Cold Climate : Fiona Bevan
16. All I Need Is Love (Edit) : CeeLo Green & Some Muppets
17. Sleigh Ride : Jay Manero And His Disco Band
18. I Wanna Do More Than Whistle : Lawrence Welk
19. Hard Candy Christmas : Dolorean
20. Boots (Edit) : The Killers
21. The Holiday Season : Andy Williams
22. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town : Sufjan Stevens
23. Snow Day : Jeremy Messersmith
24. Christmas Auld Lang Syne : Ortolan

I edited out the rapping muppet from that CeeLo song. I just couldn’t deal with it.

If you want to know where one can get such an epic xmas mix, you should email me. Don’t just post a comment, because I’m way too lazy for all that copying and pasting of email addresses…

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Nested

A couple years ago,  I posted about the creative failure that is the set of blank nesting dolls that has been sitting in the back the closet for over a decade. Then last year, when I had way too much to do and absolutely no free time to myself, I got a random bee in my bonnet. So I hauled my ass to Michael’s craft store and came home with $40 in cheap paint and brushes. Six or so months later, I have my own little monster family of hand-painted nesting dolls.

What is that you say? It’s a little odd for a 36-year-old man to paint himself some wooden dolls with which to play? Just wait until you find out that I named them and gave them all back-stories as well.

Milford
Milford’s just a working stiff. He’s got a wife and four kids to feed, after all. He hates his boss and he carries the lunch his wife makes him to work in a pail every day. Milford is just a nickname, though. It was secretly given to him by his seemingly unassuming wife, who lovingly refers to him as her M.I.L.F., where the “M” stands for “Monster” rather than the more-commonly-used “Mother.” His real name is actually Mumford. So he likes coming home to Ethyl.

Ehtyl
Ethyl might look meek and slight in demeanor, but she rules the roost. Don’t mess with Ethyl. Also, she’s clearly a dynamo in the sack. She wears her kerchief as a homage to her Russian heritage.

Junior
Junior is either the waddling toddler of the family or the mentally-deranged uncle, depending on my mood. Either way, a lot of drool is  involved, and the shenanigans always start when someone’s watchful eye is distracted long enough for him to sneak out the porch door and terrorize the neighborhood.

Missy
Missy is sixteen. She’s hot, but she knows it, so she’s also a bitch. Which is why she’s named Missy. All Missys are bitches, hot or not. She’s grounded right now, and her boyfriend is the boss’ son. He’s a buffoon but at least it irks good ol’ dad.

Nana
Ethyl’s mother is just visiting from Scottsdale. Milford can’t wait for her to leave, but Missy likes having her around, because she pays for fast food and takes Missy’s side on everything. Little does Missy know that there will be no trust fund for the kiddies, though. She’s left all her monies to some conservative church that hates abortion.

Pete
Pete’s a brat with a Justin Bieber haircut. No one pays him enough attention, what with that bitch Missy, her non-stop drama, and a baby in the house…

Ruff and Mee-Yow
Ruff and Mee-Yow are the family cat and dog. Their back-stories mostly consist of eating the local wildlife and pooping in weird places.

Sweet-Pea
Sweet-Pea is the newborn baby. His back-story also happens to feature pooping in weird places, but he’s also the reason Nana has come to visit, which is the only reason Milford can tolerate that woman’s presence for more than five minutes at a time: at least he can get a solid 5 hours of sleep every night with her help, ferchrissakes.

Skull
Skull exists only because I don’t have the skill or dexterity to paint at such a small scale. But I imagine he makes a fun chew-toy for the dog and cat.

So now I can check that task off my list once and for all, and finally open my closet door without the looming judgement of a blank set of nesting dolls. Phew.

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For Your Entertainment/Stress Relief

I made these for myself, because I needed to let off a little steam, but feel free to toss around some douchebags for awhile if you want:


Falling Rick Santorum


Falling Mitt Romney in his Temple Garments

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A Kickass Christmas 2011

It’s that time of year again to bust out the xmas jams.

This year’s KAX mix tracklist goes something like dis:

1. Angels We Have Heard on High by Sarah Jackson-Holman
2. Tiny Tree Christmas by Guster
3. Deck the Halls by Pomplamoose
4. Sweet Bells by Kate Rusby
5. Ain’t No Chimneys In the Projects by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6. Just What I Wanted for Christmas by Bing Crosby
7. Joseph, Better You Than Me by The Killers
8. Do You Hear What I Hear? by Pink Martini
9. Silent Night by Katie Herzig
10. The Christmas Waltz (Remix) by Nancy Wilson
11. White Christmas by Lounge All Stars
12. Frosty The Snow Man by Ella Fitzgerald
13. In the Morning by Jack Johnson
14. Angels We Have Heard On High by Future of Forestry
15. Little Drummer Boy by Erin McCarley
16. Xmas Cake by Rilo Kiley
17. Winter Night by Little & Ashley
18. Christmas by Teddy Thompson
19. Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Allo, Darlin’
20. Mrs. Claus Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me by Little Jackie
21. Mistletoe And Holly by Frank Sinatra
22. Up on the Housetop by Pomplamoose
23. Fruitcake (Remix) by The Superions
24. When the Leaves by Ingrid Michaelson
25. This Will Be Our Year by OK Go

This year I was surprised to find a Bing Crosby song I’d never heard of before, where he sings about a lovely paisely muffler that is just his type. It doesn’t get better than that. And I’ve wanted to put that Rilo Kiley song on my xmas mix for years, but I always decided it was just too weird and depressing for the hoi polloi. Finally this year I thought “Eff that, I’m putting it on there and they’ll eat it and like it.” So it’s on there.

Early feedback is that the remix of Fruitcake by The Superions is the most unappreciated track, but I stand by my decision. I like to pump my fist and shout “…green ones too it’s Fruitcake!” at the top of my lungs. It feels real good. Other than that, the songs are pretty solid this year. I allow my taste in music to stray into twee territory when it comes to Christmas, but I suppose that’s just the nature of the beast. I defy you to not enjoy it.

Oh and the mix tape themed cover is a direct ripoff of this gal’s work. I just updated it planetdan xmas style.

If you want the tunes, I could point you to where they could be acquired if you email me and ask fawningly. Maybe. And you gotta email me. You can’t just post a comment or I won’t have your email address, you dig?

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Sexy Halloween Time 2011

I just can’t resist perusing the new crop of “sexy” Halloween costumes that comes out every year. I used to be disgusted yet fascinated. Now I’m just giddy with anticipation come October. Here’s some of my favorites for 2011:

Sexy Childhood Male Icons
Sexy Willy Wonka, Sexy Cat in the Hat, and Sexy Marvin the Martian, all male childhood icons, and all here to confuse you about what’s happening down there in your downstairs.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Unicorn
Seems a bit juvenile to dress up as a mythical animal worshipped by twelve year old girls, but I guess the phallic headpiece makes up for that.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Twix Bar
Are we really doing this now? Sexy food items? What’s next, sexy loaf of bread? Sexy mustard bottle?

Sexy Mustard Bottle
Okay, game on.

Sexy Tin Man
Tin man was the gayest dood in Wizard of OZ. At least she’ll appeal to the latents. If she only had a brain.

Sexy Belle from Beauty and the Beast
This one was almost a normal costume until they had to go and jack up the front, as if someone just yanked the cord on a bad set of curtains.

Sexy Seal/Dolphin
WIthout the head it’s hard to tell what animal this is, and neither would be the worst animal to fetishize, I suppose. But wearing this, you’re begging for seal noises and flapping arm-fin jokes.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Skunk
Wait, wut? I guess at least you could flatulate all night long and just claim that you were really owning the role.

Sexy Beaver on Wood
Subtle.

Sexy Chinese Takeout Container
Ain’t nothing sexier than a greasy fast food container. I know whenever I find a Chinese Food Menu hanging on my doorknob…

Sexy True Blood Waitress
Timely trends are always a bad idea. In five years this is going to look like nothing more than a white T-shirt and a blue mini. Oh wait, it is nothing more than a white T-shirt and blue mini.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

Sexy Clockwork Orange
Nothing sexier than a bit of the ol’ ultraviolence.

Sexy Bomb
Well that’s a flattering silhouette. Also, maybe a tad too counterproductively chastity-beltish.

Sexy CrazyTime
I have respect for this one cuz it don’t pull punches. These bitches be crazy.

You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

That’s it! Can’t wait for 2012!

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3 Comments

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