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Wednesday, March 31, 2004 :::

Appetite Suppressant, Vol. II

So, apparently people eat placentas. Sometimes mamas eat them, allegedly to help with postpartum depression in some crazy new-agey/middle-agey lack-of-any-sense type of frenzy. Sometimes freakishly strict vegetarians eat them, because it is the only meat that can be eaten that does not require killing a living being. Whatever the reason, it's totally rude.

Placenta preparation notes from a well-meaning website:
"Cut off the cord and membranes. Steam the placenta, adding lemon grass, pepper and ginger to the steaming water. The placenta is "done" when no blood comes out when you pierce it with a fork."

Some more recipes, even pizza, from Mmmm. Yummy.

::: posted by dan at 11:08 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, March 25, 2004 :::

There are some things that I just shouldn't research.

From Salon:

If you made Fig Newtons for a living and you wanted to know how many insects could get into your Newtons without your getting into hot water with the FDA, you could look it up on the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's Food Defect Action Levels Web site . Here you would learn that fig paste is allowed to have up to 13 insect heads per 100 grams.

You would then become sidetracked and further learn that approximately four rodent hairs are allowed in a jar of peanut butter, that an average of 60 thrips are allowed in 100 grams of frozen broccoli, that 10 grams of hops are allowed to contain 2,500 aphids and that 5 milligrams of rat excreta in a pound of sesame seeds is A-OK with the FDA.

Um... what's a thrip?

Read the full article.

Read FDA guidelines for all your favorite foods.

::: posted by dan at 3:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 24, 2004 :::

Don't you agree?

Synonyms for "excited" that should never be used:

1. amped
2. stoked
3. cranked
4. pumped

::: posted by dan at 1:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 23, 2004 :::

Hands off, it's Danny's.

I work out at a club and I always bring a bottle of Aquafina. After I workout, I take a shower (having recently overcome my fear of public nudity), and I leave my half-drunken bottle of Aquafina on the bench in front of my locker. On at least four occasions, I have come back from the shower (half-naked in a towel and dripping wet in slow motion, in case you were trying to picture it) to find that my Aquafina is missing. At first I suspected over-achieving janitors. But honestly, I've never even seen at janitor at my club, and the condition of the locker room floor might disprove their existence altogether.

Then, the other day I came out of the shower to see the guy at the locker next to mine actually drinking my water. He then packed up his bag and took it with him. I don't think he was being larcenous at all; I think he just innocently thought it was his water. I habitually use the same locker every day, and we seem to be on the same workout schedule, so he's most likely done this unwittingly many times. He's lucky I have no communicable diseases, but really I'd just like to know if he's ever been mid-swig and thought to himself "Wait a minute, I don't remember bringing a bottle of Aquafina to the club today..."

I'm also tempted to spike it with something.

::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 22, 2004 :::

Snooty and pretentious, but dead on balls accurate.

Roger Ebert thinks anyone who didn't like Lost in Translation is stupid. I'm paraphrasing, but he is right:

Q. I work at a local video store and the recent release of "Lost in Translation" on DVD has had lots of people asking about it. But I noticed that about 90 percent of the people that watched it said they didn't like it. In fact, most of them said that it was one of the worst movies they've ever seen. They didn't understand why it drew all of the attention that it got.

Is this because of the expectations that the general public has in their minds? Was it over-advertised by the Oscar hype it got? Or is it just because the general public can't watch a film that will challenge them to think when they are used to watching big-budget films where everything is drawn out for them?

Sean O'Connell, Novato, Calif.

A. Yes, yes and yes. "Lost in Translation" requires audiences to be able to pick up feelings and information on frequencies that many moviegoers don't receive on. Most of the movies most people go to see are made in such a way that not a moment's thought is required. The audience is a passive receptor for mindless sensation. When I'm told by people that they hated "Lost in Translation," I have to restrain myself from replying, "You are saying more about yourself than about the film."

"Lost in Translation" was applauded by 94 percent of the 190 critics monitored at, and by 97 percent of the major critics. Does that mean critics are (a) out of touch with popular taste, or (b) have better taste than the customers at Sean O'Connell's video store? Before you answer, remember that the mission of a good critic is not to reflect popular taste but to inform it.

Roger Ebert, Chicaco Sun-Times

::: posted by dan at 12:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, March 20, 2004 :::

It's my birfday.

I'm 29 today. K-Mak, Teen and I had birfday brunch:

And I snapped this picture just as it turned 11:11, which I've decided portends of good luck for the upcoming year – being displayed right above my birthday date and all:

Happy birfday to me so far.

::: posted by dan at 12:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, March 16, 2004 :::

Making a difference.

I'm reading a book about cadavers right now (shut up, there is nothing wierd about that), and did you know that as an organ donor, any of your skin tissue that isn't used for grafting onto burn victims may be processed and "used cosmeticially to plump up wrinkles and aggrandize penises." So donate your bodies to science, everybody, because there are some really needy people out there.

It makes me giddy to wonder about where my skin may find itself someday.

::: posted by dan at 9:59 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 15, 2004 :::

Hot Rod

Beware of upcoming Leno jokes about "stick shifts" and "heated seats" or something about the leather interior. I haven't had time to work out all the bad jokes in my head yet, but I would see this movie in a second. From MSNBC:

[Michael Jackson] — who’s facing child molestation charges — was trying to get a film called “Hot Rod” made, according to “Jersey Girl” director Kevin Smith.

“It was about Michael Jackson morphing into a car,” “Smith tells Playboy magazine in an issue just hitting newsstands. “Jackson was behind it, and he wanted it to be this story about a guy, played by himself, who hangs out with a little boy, and this little boy gets into the car and drives him around.”

::: posted by dan at 12:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


We've all heard this before...

...but this time they got numbers:

Toilet seats cleaner than keyboards

An excerpt:
According to the study, telephones harboured up to 25,127 germs per square inch, keyboards 3,295 and computer mice 1,676. The average office contains 20,961 germs per square inch.

::: posted by dan at 9:41 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, March 11, 2004 :::

I wonder if a manufactured controversy had anything to do with it?

Gibson could make $200 million off 'Passion'

Praise Jesus.

::: posted by dan at 10:11 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, March 10, 2004 :::

Back to normal.

I finally got my car back and she looks almost as good as new, not really worse for the wear. So that whole sordid situation is finally over. I wanted to just drive around in it for hours, with the CD player turned all the way up. Never again will I have to endure radio DJ banter or Jessica Simpson songs. But when I picked up my car, someone had set the radio station to a Jesus channel, which I thought was an impressively subtle form of proselytizing. Hats off to Lehman's Auto Body for their attempt to save my soul.

::: posted by dan at 9:29 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, March 07, 2004 :::

Site Upgrades

Planetdan now has a reviews section. See on the right? Now you can all marvel at my thought-provoking opinions, seeing as how we've recently discovered, or rather confirmed, that I am indeed a genius. Actually, the reviews section is more for my benefit than anyone else's, because I like to catalog and review everything I do. Makes me feel organized and self-aware.

Also, I updated (slightly) the Junk section, too, and began an archive of that. It's all about the Dan Archives. They will be considered historical documents someday, so I really have to keep them organized.

::: posted by dan at 6:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, March 05, 2004 :::

Leeza Gibbons declares Dan to be a genius.

According to Test the Nation, Dan's IQ is 135. I only got one question wrong. I'm even smarter than Ben Stein. I could easily win all of his money. In your faces, idiots.

::: posted by dan at 9:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, March 04, 2004 :::

The mind of a 12 year old girl.

I went back to that Beef Council website for little girls, just to see if it's been updated. I want to stay fresh on the girl/beef issue in this election year, you see. Sadly, the content is the same as when I posted the link over a year ago, but some good messages have been left on the Gotta Eat Beef message board. My favorites, and I swear I didn't even make any of them up:

"You should care about having a strong mind because if you go to school, and make good grades, you could get into a great college, have a great career, mary a good man, have lots of good kids if you raise them right, and you could live a great life! You should also be able to defend yourself is someone is messing with you." - Stacy - Age: 12 - From UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)

"u should care cause a strong mind iz real important since u have 2 be smart 2 get into collage or univercity. where a strong body u need" - Kayla - Age: 12 - From CANADA

"Heres some advice do not act popular because if your popular you can get in a lot of trouble if your popular. I am a strong one and I have TMJ it's not very good to me but I am still strong" - BettyJune - Age: 11 - From UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)

"If we don't try picking the best foods for our body will have more chances to catch a disease which will hurt and you have many ways of dying" - Missa - Age: 13 - From CANADA

"I think why you should care about having a strong mind and a body is if you didn't care you would be living on streets etc.," - Maria - Age: 11 - From UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)

"i think having a strong body is great because u have a better chance of not having an eating disorder." - Chilino - Age: 13 - From UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)

"if you let your self esteem get down you will feel like nothing else in the world matters trust me I have been through it,My best friend Nick called me fat and for the next week all I had for lunch was a cookie. But he apologized and we are now going out." - Kayla - Age: 11 - From UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (USA)

::: posted by dan at 1:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Bad girl, drunk by six.

Ever since I moved into my house, I've been getting messages on my voice mail from some school administrator who tries to inform me that Iesha or Kenisha or Takesha (or something like that) has been acting up in school and has been sent to the principle's office. Sometimes she talks back to her teachers. Sometimes she participates in fights. Sometimes she doesn't show up to school at all. I know this girl's entire disciplinary history.

For a while, I was really worried about Jeleesa and her academic career, because by the sounds of it she wasn't taking it seriously. But lately, the calls have been coming few and far between, and I've decided that Laticia finally has her head in the right place and has turned her life around. I got another message yesterday that she had some minor problem, but I think it was just an anomaly. It is my belief that Echinacea is finally on the road to a brighter future, and ain't nobody gonna stop her now.

Sometimes I think I should call the school and tell them they have the wrong number. This is what I imagine Benicia to look like, all hard at work:

::: posted by dan at 10:15 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, March 01, 2004 :::

A Balancing Act – All Hail the Honeydogs

I've noticed my posts have been rather negatively opinionated lately, so I'm going to give a positive recommendation as a way of evening things out a little bit, karmically. So here goes: everyone should listen to the new Honeydogs CD coming out nationally in the next couple weeks. It's called 10,000 Years. They are local to Minneapolis (home town pride) and they had one moderate hit called "I Miss You" a few years back that was seriously one of the most grating, horrible songs to be played on the radio this side of Shawn Mullin's Lullaby. BUT, this new CD is quite incredible. It sounds as if the Beatles and Aimee Mann had a baby and then that baby made a Radiohead-esque OK-Computer-style concept album. If that made any sense to you, you should buy it. Anyway, it's the best CD I've bought so far this year. But skip over track 7. That track sucks.

Feels good being positive for once.

Oh, and just on a coincidental side note, my friend Furry and I found ourselves at a Honeydogs concert a couple years ago when she won tickets to one of those star-party concert thingees. I wasn't fond of the band at the time, so I don't remember the performance at all, but on our way out of the parking ramp after the concert, Furry and I witnessed the lead Honeydog getting in a car accident on the downward circular spiral exit ramp. As he wildly dialed 911 on his cell phone, Furry leaned her head out the window and shouted "Hey Honeydog! Great show!" He waved a confused acknowledgement of her praise and then I sped off as she cackled somewhat evilly. It was surreal.

And also, the Honeydogs are having a CD release party at First Ave with Michael Penn, who is coincidentally married to Aimee Mann and who is an interesting musician himself. You should go.

::: posted by dan at 10:39 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


The Oscars sucked.

So that's what all those prudes out there are arguing for? Bad, boring TV? Repetitive, uninspired, inoffensive, almost-embarassingly-pat Billy Crystal jokes? I kept hoping for a kick-line of topless Janet Jackson impersonators a' la Showgirls to dance across the screen or for someone to let loose an enthusiastic "FUCK!" at the podium a' la Bono. But all I got were esoteric Eisner jokes and what seemed to be the exact same gags they had last year. Not that I was expecting much more, but for being four hours long... man, that blew.

::: posted by dan at 9:57 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


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