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Monday, April 27, 2009 :::

Dead things, Mikey, dead things.

I've been in Florida over the last couple of weekends for a couple different reasons, and I was walking on a gulf-side public beach yesterday when I came across a half-eaten shark. The top of the shark had been completely bitten off. The bottom half just laid there, being picked apart by scavaging seagulls.

It wasn't a huge shark, really. It may have been four feet long or so when it was fully in tact. But that's probably just long enough to be able to take a big chunk of flesh out of your unsuspecting thigh. And I had been wading in that very same ocean just hours before.

But the real reason I can't stop thinking about that damn shark is because it was bit in half. Meaning something out there was big enough to separate the top half of a four foot shark from its bottom, in one solid chomp. And I thought I had problems with swimming in the ocean before.

Dan reluctantly pets an unrelated live shark.

Similarly, before I left for this weekend's jaunt to Florida I was a panicked rush to pack a bag. In the middle of my packing frenzy, I noticed a dead spider in my basement. It was the single biggest spider I've ever seen in any house that I've ever lived in. It's body alone was the size of a quarter. I couldn't estimate the size of its "wingspan" because it was all curled up and dried out, but I can assure you it was utterly revolting. I didn't have time to clean it up before I left, but being a tad of an arachnophobe, I planned on introducing it to the vacuum cleaner immediately after returning home from my short shark-filled weekend in Clearwater. In fact, I couldn't wait to get home to do it.

But when I got home it was gone, which means something in my house was large enough - or numerous enough - to haul off a gargantuan spider carcass to its lair, probably to feed its ginormaous, swarming brood. I have little panic attacks when I think about it.

For the same reason I ain't going back into the ocean after seeing that shark carrion, I'm not exactly comfortable sleeping in my own bed right now. I'm sure that the reality of whatever beast carried off that dead spider is probably not nearly as bad as I'm imagining it to be, but at this point I'm ready to put my house up for sale.

Speaking of grody dead things, this fly accompanied me on one of my recent flights. It was deceased, yet fully-grown, and somehow caught between the protective panes of glass and plastic that are supposed to keep me from being sucked out into the sub-zero atmosphere.

The adventurous stowaway.

Staring at it for two solid hours, I wavered between an odd/cheesy sense of Pixaresque whimsy (in that this tiny little creature must have been so excited to truly experience the flight of a lifetime) and nauseous disgust.

But then my head goes strange places under the influence of multiple Bloody Mary's.

::: posted by dan at 9:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button

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7 previous comments:

Maybe the giant spider was just hibernating? I know they have a bad habit of only *looking* dead....

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:21 AM  

where's the pic of the half-eaten shark???

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:57 AM  

I think I may hurl. I don't know what to be more freaked out about in this post... it's becoming a blur. My cousin's boyfriend was eaten by a great white shark back off the coast of Florida in 1993 and I haven't set foot in the ocean since. Much prefer the great lakes, carp don't usually eat humans.

By Anonymous Noelle, at 10:11 AM  

I guess this is a bad time to remind you that we are never more than 6 feet from a spider. (Saw that fact in a TV show once, can't remember which one.)

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:25 PM  

I'm so nervous about the missing dead spider. Sell your house right now, Dan.

By OpenID robertian, at 4:57 PM  

I am tormented by bugs. I had a big spider in my car the other day. (i was late to work that day) And roaches used to show up when I was in the shower. Naked. Never saw one any other time. It's like they waited until I was at my most vulnerable.

Is it weird that I'm more freaked out by bugs than sharks? Thank you for not getting bit in half.

By Anonymous sarah, at 12:07 PM  

You were in Clearwater recently? Hmmm, that explains why I thought it seemed sunnier and happier here for a while. Must have been your influence.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:37 PM  

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