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Wednesday, August 19, 2009 :::

Crazy is as crazy does.

I've been trying to work out more at the gym. My new routine is to go over the lunch hour because I figure it will have the added benefit of reducing any time I might have to shovel food into my mouth. It sucks just as much as it ever did.

Apparently I am on the same workout schedule as one of the local paranoid schizophrenics. I'm not trying to make fun of the psychotically challenged; I seriously think there is something wrong with this particular woman. For example, she'll be chugging along on the treadmill and then suddenly start yelling vulgarities and such at no one in particular. Not in a Tourette's Syndrome kind of way, though, as there seems to be some purpose to her lunacy. It's more like:

"M*therf@cker$ mess with me and I show them who's boss! I'm running the godd@mn show now! All you people talking sh!t. Don't think I can't hear you f#cker$! These people know what I'm talking about!"

Her solitary screaming match generally clears out all the exercise machines that surround her, and her rants occasionally feature stories about strange men breaking into her apartment to steal her secrets, or upcoming court battles she is confident will go in her favor. It's super loud and it's all the time. I suppose it's sad, but at least she's fit as a fiddle.

I try to time my workouts so that we don't encounter each other at specific weight machines, because I've seen her trap unsuspecting people into creepy conversations about the men who have been regularly invading her home. Plus, with the recent health club shootings, I've been trying to keep an eye out for the off-kiltered.

The good news is that it's fairly easy to avoid her because she makes a startling cough/bark sound on a regular basis, like she's trying to scare away bears or something. It's so loud that you can easily pinpoint her position in the gym at any given time. It's like a homing beacon.

But the other day I was at the end of a particularly sweaty workout and I was heading toward the water fountain when I heard that familiar cough/bark sound, only this time is was directly behind me, as if it were meant especially for my ear. I stopped dead in my tracks. Then I felt something swipe the back of my head and brush against my neck. I got goosebumps and spun around, wide-eyed, expecting the worst.

There she stood, eerily expressionless, looking me directly in the eye, holding half of a sweat-soaked paper towel up to my face. There was a tense moment of awkward silence until she suddenly blurted:

"You had paper on your neck."

Then she bolted away. It took me a minute to realize what had happened. About ten minutes before this incident I had pillowed my excessively-sweaty head onto a wad of paper towels while using a weight bench, so as to avoid leaving a big dripping puddle behind. When I got up, the majority of it must have remained attached to my wet scalp, almost like Paper Mache. And apparently Crazy Lady was the only one who was kind enough to notify me. She even had the guts to remove that saturated, sweaty garbage heap from my noggin with her bare hands.

Suddenly I realized I was the crazy dood walking around with a paper towel matted to the back of his head. And she was the crazy lady walking around barking and swearing at nobody. And any other gym members who might have witnessed the encounter must have thought we were M.F.E.O.

In an attempt to rebuild my damaged reputation, I'm going to start bringing my own workout towel to the gym from now on. So I guess you live and you learn. Oh, and just in case there actually are men breaking into her apartment every night to steal her secrets: she's onto you. And she's fearless.

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::: posted by dan at 6:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button

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8 previous comments:

Do you think she has a blog too and she is writing about this poor crazy paper-stuck-to-neck guy right at this very moment?

By Blogger tcarole, at 8:56 PM  

seriously - what is it with you and gyms?

please keep going because chances are, based on past posts, there will be good material for this here blog.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:21 AM  

There is a swearing, crazy lady at my gym, too. It must come standard.

By OpenID robertian, at 2:11 PM  


By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:55 PM  

ask her out, that would be a hilarious date post...still wiping tears away from my eyes from laughing, this is why I don't go to the gym...crazy people

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:23 AM  

hahahah freakin hilarious.

By Blogger Rachel, at 3:23 PM  

She lives in my neighborhood and walks down the street spouting every time I take my dog out. It's distracting to say the least.

By Anonymous poodletail, at 6:25 PM  

Just found your blog. You are the funniest person ever. Keep up the good fight!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:09 AM  

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