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Tuesday, March 01, 2005 :::

My diagnosis is in.

I gots the mono. I'm almost 30, I still have to take medication for acne, and now I have mono. Who gets mono when they are 30? I have no idea how I got it, but my biggest fear is that I accidently drank out of somebody else's Aquafina bottle at the gym. I am 100% positive that I contracted this virus at Bally's Swim & Fitness because the place is just not clean and everything I touch is wet from god knows what and there are ALWAYS used band-aids floating around in the shower.

I went to the doctor today and he sent me to the lab to give some blood and to submit to a throat culture. First the nurse lady took some blood which was surprisingly traumatic for me. I was still a little woozy from the site of vials of my own blood when she shoved two big q-tips down my throat. She jostled them around in there for what seemed like a lot longer than necessary and I started to gag really bad. Rather than take this as a sign that she should withdraw the swabs, she just increased her vigor, so I gagged even more and made a precursor-to-vomiting noise that sounded something like this: cxxxxhhhhchhhhhoohooooolll. Finally she pulled out, split seconds before the point of no return (she knew what she was doing, I'll give her that), but in the hubbub I had dropped the gauze she had given me to quell my pinprick, so I was bleeding down my arm. It was all quite a mess. I am not a very good patient. But the doc gave me some Vicadin and some Steroids. Booyah.

Anyway, I don't know why I told you all of that, probably because I love fishing for pity. I even told the Time Warner Cable lady who just called to sell me some digital phone service. She told me to "Smack dat mono. Tell him to go siddown. Tell him you won't be needin' nunnadat." It almost made me cry.

::: posted by dan at 3:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button

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15 previous comments:

Ah, you've been graced with a visit by Messrs. Epstein and Barr.....take care, get lots of rest and steer clear of your roomie's Aquafina bottle - you're totally contagious. Hope you feel better soon!

p.s. - Is this going to interfere much with your blogging? I mean, I really look forward to my daily dose of Dan and it's not fair to only be thinking of yourself. j/k

By Blogger annie, at 4:50 PM  

I hope you're feeling better soon. The Vicodin should at least kid your body into thinking you feel better.

I heard on the radio this morning that it's a new episode of The Gilmore Girls tonignt and immediately thought of you.

Strange, I know. But here's your friendly reminder to tune in.

By Blogger Flaming June, at 4:58 PM  

You really do need some pity. The fact that you tried to get the Time Warner Cable lady to pity you actually makes me feel sorrier for you than the mono diagnosis. But you got your pity!

How's your spleen holding up? Feel better soon!

By Blogger Christine, at 5:19 PM  

Poor Dan. That's hilarious about the Time Warner lady. Too bad you still have your tonsils. They way they're all swollen up, you sound like crap.

Bright side- new GGs tonight, GGs is on at 11 am & 4pm M-F & then from 6pm-9pm Sat on the family channel.

By Blogger hot babe, at 5:30 PM  

Those Time Warner Cable ladies are always so nice.
Well, I hope you get better soon-especially so you don't have to go back to the doctors and get impaled by a swab-lord, I hate those things. (mega pity points for that story...)

ps-weird. I thought of you the other day too when I drove past a GG billboard. Except I thought that you'd be totally disappointed that I still haven't seen an episode yet...the guilt was intollerable.

By Blogger lynne, at 8:14 PM  

i had mono when i was 23. it sucked so bad. so i feel your pain.

sometimes i wish i'd get it again. just because my job sucks so bad. if i had mono i'd be able to stay at home and still get paid. and no one could bitch about it.

get better soon :)

By Blogger Honey Bunny, at 8:56 PM  

Poor poorest poorly Dan. I'm so sorry. I had mono when I was 15 and I well remember the agonizing throat thing. And the swabs. You almost made me gag myself with the description of Bally Sports and Bacteria Farm -- ewww, used band-aids floating around!! Ewww, skeevy exercise equipment! EWWWWW!

Get better, please don't post photos of your tonsils. Thanks, hon.

By Blogger PeaceBang, at 9:12 PM  

I had mono the week before my SATs back in the late 80s. It was a built in excuse in case I had done poorly. Your admission that your poost was for sympathy had me laughing out loud. Great post, Dan.

By Blogger Rob, at 10:21 PM  

Steroids, wow. Before you know it you can play for MLB.

By Blogger BigDubb, at 12:01 AM  

If I was sick and a telemarketer told me to smack dat mono, I'd totally start crying. Really. They thought I had mono in college, but it turned out I just drank and smoked too much.

Get better! Do you get to stay home from work now? Can you send me a germ infested aquafina bottle so I can get mono????

By Blogger Biglug, at 8:25 AM  

I also would have bawled if the cable lady said that to me! In fact, I feel so bad about the mono thing that it almost made me tear up anyway.

By Blogger Angela, at 8:40 AM  

Oops - I have more trouble with this comment screen!

Anyway, Dan, feel better!!

By Blogger Angela, at 8:40 AM  

How odd--you've got a blog fan base who connects you and the Gilmore Girls. Even those of us you've never talked to! I can't hear of GG without thinking of you. Hm I wonder if I'll now connect GG to mono.

Feel better!

By Blogger ptw, at 8:58 AM  

Thanks for all the pity! It's awesome to be pitiful. For those who care, I am working at home until this blows over, so I shouldn't miss any work which is good. Oh, and no problems with my Spleen yet.

I'm glad people think of me when they think of The Gilmore Girls. I can't think of a better association. Last night's episode was pretty good, but I was hoping for a little more fireworks when Lorelie and Luke got back together. Oh well.

By Blogger dan, at 9:39 AM  

sorry about the mono...i had it twice (and they claim that can't happen...well it did) 9 months after the first time I had it they could still detect the virus in my blood, so have fun with that. Anyway, I'd thought you'd like a pic of the little bugger thats giving you all sorts of hell!
Anyway hope you get better...and don't drive a car! the seat belt could rupture your spleen..not kidding!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:32 PM  

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