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Sunday, October 31, 2004 :::

Finally, that's over.

It's Halloween, athough I'm assuming most people celebrated last night. I was a hideous looking Oompa Loompa:

Click for larger.

If anyone wants to, feel free to email me your Halloween costume picture, and I will put them in an online gallery.

You can see the rest of Geckler's Halloween Party pictures here (update - I missed a good deal of picture on first upload, so there's lots of new ones now, most from the drunkenest parts of the evening). It was a good time.

::: posted by dan at 3:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, October 28, 2004 :::

Nosy Neighbors

The state of Wisconsin has a Court Systems website where you can look up the criminal history and court judgments for any resident. From hardcore drug possession to sexual predatry (I just made up that word myself) to traffic violations - this site has it all. Right there on the web for everyone to see. It's pretty sweet for nosy bastards like me.

Minnesota has no such service available online, says my source at Hennepin County, but one is in the works. Until then you can always check out the St. Paul Prostitution Prevention website to see pictures of the most recent john and crack-whore arrests. I'm always afraid that I'm going to recognize someone on there, so checking it weekly is a perverse thrill.

Also, while we're on the topic of eroding personal privacy, Google just acquired Keyhole, which is a nifty little satellite photo application that practically allows you to zoom into your neighbor's backyard. It requires a free 7-day trial download to work, but it's really quite awesome. Check out some pictures of my neighborhood:

My Block #1
My Block #2

::: posted by dan at 2:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Charles $chulz

Peanuts creator Charles Schulz made $35 million dollars last year, even though he's dead. He was the second highest dead money earner, second only to Elvis. I was trying to figure out where all that money is coming from because I didn't think that the Peanuts were all that famous. Must be the DVDs and stuff, because I can't think of any Peanut's product endorsements that have really taken off. Snoopy is no Tickle-Me-Elmo fer chrissakes. You can't go to Burger King and get a Peanut's Happy Meal, for instance.

It's funny that you can judge the quality of a fast food restaurant by the popularity of their cartoon character endorsements. I remember being like 7 years old and feeling really sorry for Dairy Queen because the only cartoon character endorsement they could afford was Dennis the Menace. His ugly mug was always on the side of my Blizzard. And his dog and that hideous girl in the pigtails, whose name was Margaret if I remember correctly. Yuck, to this day it makes me feel like I'm slumming when I go to the DQ.

Anyway, dead people can make lots of money. Oh, and those Dennis the Menace DQ cups are collector's items now.

::: posted by dan at 1:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, October 27, 2004 :::

Bees are sluts.

They ain't the first species to end up on their backs after absorbing too much alcohol, that's fer sure. From

[Julie Mustard] and her colleagues gave various levels of ethanol -- the intoxicating agent in liquor -- to bees and studied the effect this had on their behavior.

The more ethanol they consumed, the more difficulty the bees had flying, walking, standing still and grooming. Some of the bees became so drunk they ended up flat on their backs.

Man, sounds like bees really know how to party. You can read the whole article if you want, but it doesn't give away any of the lurid details.

::: posted by dan at 1:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, October 26, 2004 :::

Oo-La-La Loompa

I decided I wanted to be an Oompa Loompa for Halloween because I've always been mildly obsessed with Willy Wonka and if I'm going to be forced to dress up this year, then I better make it count. Plus I'm short, so it seems appropriate. I've got everything I need for the costume except for the damned hairdo. It's virtually impossible to find a suitable green wig with the requisite flips and curls. Help a brother out if you know where to find one.

While researching the costume, I found this image. I don't remember the scene where the lesbian Oompa Loompas make out. It must be on the director's cut:

::: posted by dan at 11:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, October 25, 2004 :::

Magic Pocket

I take no credit for this picture, I simply found it online, but isn't Ronald McDonald scary enough without having to wonder what is in his "magic pocket"? Grody.

"Pssst. Hey kid, come here and touch my magic pocket. I got a surprise for ya."


::: posted by dan at 5:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


8 days.

You have 8 days left to convince everyone you know that a vote for the Bush adminstration is a selfish, under-informed, ethnocentric mistake of gargantuan proportions. Not to insult anyone, but it's the truth.

Just to remind anyone who needs reminding, we waged a pre-emptive war with a sovereign nation under the premise that they had weapons of mass destruction, the capability to create more, the desire to use them, and the desire to aid any other group who may want to use them. The independent 9/11 Commission proved otherwise, on ALL COUNTS. All of these were lies. We also did this at a time when the army was already stretched thin and the US economy was far from healthy. Now we have an overworked, weakened, underpaid army of soldiers fighting a war we can't afford and that we have no justification for (especially in terms of international opinion).

The horrifying news is that the majority of Bush supporters still believe Iraq had WMD or a major weapons program and that they provided support to al Qaeda. Bush supporters also "misperceive the world public as being not opposed to the Iraq War, favoring a Bush reelection." Read all about how uninformed Bush supporters really are, and make no mistake, the world HATES the Bush Administration, and they have a hard time making the distinction between the Bush Adminstration and the rest of America right now.

Or better yet, ask all the Bush supporters you know to give you one solid reason why they want him re-elected. If it's because of something they heard in a TV commercial, then they are uninformed. Kerry will not dessert Iraq. Kerry is not a flip-flopper (any more than Bush is, anyway). Kerry is not underqualified. If you make under $200,000 annually, Kerry will not raise your taxes. And another terrorist attack isn't any more probable with Kerry in office.

Want more reasons? Read about how the Bush administration has hired radical Christian consultants whose main purpose is to erode the distinction between church and state, and to revise history, claiming that the nation was founded as a Christian nation, which it most certainly was not.

Seriously. It's crunch time. Give me a reason for why you want to vote for Bush and I will give you a better reason for why you are wrong. Oh, and I promise I won't have any more political posts until after the election. Even I'm sick of it.

::: posted by dan at 3:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (31) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, October 22, 2004 :::

Yuppie Toddlers

I just don't think this is right:

It's never too early to promote environmental irresponsibility and frenzied consumerism, I guess.

::: posted by dan at 4:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, October 21, 2004 :::

I smell a duet.


Are Madonna and Celine Dion related?

That’s the claim being made by genealogist Troy Dunn, who traced back the ancestry of the two very different songbirds and found they shared roots.

Dunn, of says that the company contacted both Madonna and Dion with the happy news. “Madonna’s people had no comment,” he said. “Celine’s people were horrified.”

::: posted by dan at 1:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, October 20, 2004 :::

What's in your keyboard?

Keyboards are bacteria farms. I've written about them many times. Studies have shown that they are worse than toilet seats. Despite the fact that you can buy a whole new keyboard for like twenty bucks, this guy on the internet will clean out your keyboard for you, if you want. You might think that sounds ridiculous, but look at what else I found on the internet:

And that's just the beginning. Click on the image to see how disgusting it can get.

::: posted by dan at 10:43 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Best. Costume. Ever.

I want to be this guy for Halloween because he is so. totally. awesome. His costume actually transforms. Click on the image to view the full transformation:

::: posted by dan at 10:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Who wears short shorts?

Gramma wears short shorts.

Sorry, that was atypically graphic for planetdan, but I had to share.


::: posted by dan at 10:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


The Threshold of Revelation

I think the mere fact that I can't for the life of me spell "genius" without first consulting the online dictionary pretty much confirms the fact that I am not one. Dammit.

::: posted by dan at 3:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button



I'm trying really really hard not to relish this whole Bill O'Reilly sex scandal story, especially when the man confuses the words "loofah" and "falafel" during a particularly hurl-inducing bout of phone sex. So even though it doesn't seem like the slam-dunkingest sexual harassment case I've ever heard of, I still love it. How does a woman get "forced" into phone sex anyway? Have I been living under the misconception that all telephones come pre-equipped with some sort of disconnect function? But I just hate that man and his "non-partisan" spin-zone so damned much. Even his arch-enemy Al Franken has been able stick with the very mature response of "no comment." But I can't do it. I have to take advantage of this fantastic once-in-a-lifetime opportunity while I still can:

Bill O'Reilly is a married self-righteous hypocrite perv who in the heat of passion confuses bath sponges with a fried staple of Middle Eastern cuisine!!!

Phew, glad I got that off my chest. It's probably exaggerated or perhaps not even true, but it sure does feel good to say about someone you really don't like. Even though now it's been revealed that O'Reilly tried to buy his accuser off with $2 million, but I suppose that doesn't really prove his guilt. Honestly, though... him saying that this whole scandal is just a left-wing plot to affect the outcome of the election is laughably outrageous. He preaches to the choir. And it's a choir of idiots, at that. He's not influencing the vote any more than Michael Moore.

::: posted by dan at 2:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, October 19, 2004 :::


My bathroom sink is clogged. It won't drain. Two bottles of Liquid Plumber later, and the thing still won't empty. I've been forced to wash my face at night in the kitchen sink, and if you've seen my kitchen sink you'd be grossed out, too. Last night was really traumatic for me, though. I was all lathered up in the kitchen, and the faucet was running so that I could splash water on my face to rinse off. But I must have accidently bumped the drain-plug and filled the sink with water as I was washing because when I went to rinse off my face, I felt something strange on my cheek. Fearing it was a dead bug or a spider (always my worst nightmare and therefor my first assumption) I opened my eyes, braving the stinging soap, to discover that it was a cooked half-eaten macaroni noodle from dinner that must have arisen from the dark depths of the sink drain. I couldn't decide if that was worse than a dead bug or not, but I'm kind of a neat freak, so either way it was REALLY unpleasant.

This kind of thing really makes me feel unsettled. I gotta get that bathroom sink fixed.

::: posted by dan at 2:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Theatrical "Diarrhea"

I'm still on the hunt for an easy Halloween costume. So, if you got an idea, letterrip.

I found this costume – called "Poopie Shorts" – at the Megamall Halloween store. Honestly, who would wear this? Plus, it was $40. I can make my own version at home for a lot less that that. Without the two-layer butt, of course.


::: posted by dan at 1:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, October 17, 2004 :::


My roommate K-mack does wierd stuff in her sleep. When we travel together and share a room she's always talking nonsense or asking questions, engaging god knows who in conversation. What's creepy is that it's not a sleepytime tired voice, it's her normal out-loud voice, as if she's wide awake and happy to be chatting. I've also seen her run around the room and leap onto the bed and then declare "Apparently... Oofdah." And last year in Germany, I woke up to find her sitting straight up in bed and swinging her arms furiously at my feet, patting down blankets as if she was desperately looking for something, but her eyes were shut tight. I said "What're you doing?" and she got all snotty as if it was the stupidest question she'd ever heard, and she said "Um, I'm looking for something," so I said "Do you know that you're asleep? You're freaking me out." Then she plopped back down in bed and said, clear as day, "Shut up. Go to sleep." I've even seen her have conversations with OTHER sleeptalkers, like when we were on vacation with her brother, and he said something in his sleep about going to a rodeo, and she replied, "We ain't at no rodeo, Mike."

Anyway, it scares the hell out of me and I've seriously considered getting a lock on my bedroom door, because from what I've seen, she could easily believe, while in some dream-induced sleepwalking stupor, that I'm some sort of creature that needs a good stabbing. Or what if she's like this lady, who allegedly goes into town and picks up dudes for random sex, all while fast asleep? Yuck, I don't want none of that, either.

::: posted by dan at 11:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, October 14, 2004 :::

Our thoughts are with you, but you're going to hell.

Don't ask me how, but I ended up at today (your one stop shop for all things jesus), and I was looking at their selection of greeting cards, and I had to gasp when I read their version of a sympathy card:

Warm fuzzies for sure!

::: posted by dan at 5:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


That is one bad idea.

MSN sponsors a contest for creative people. You can submit your creative ideas and win funding money if people dig them. There are plenty of good ideas on there, but this one is the worst, by far. Just in case the link doesn't work, here is the gyst of it. Holy gross:

"I think someone should come out with ketchup and mustard slices just like slices of cheese. It would be less messy for little kids and you don't have to smack a bottle to get it out. There would be less shirt stains and no spraying mist from careless bottle usage. They would be individualy wrapped just like cheese."

Gag. Can you imagine? I envision it to have the texture and consistency of that rubber-like substance that forms on the top of improperly sealed pudding.

::: posted by dan at 5:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, October 13, 2004 :::

Doggies are smart.

I finally found the video of the great London kennel escape. He lets himself out, then he lets out all his kennelmates, and then they all go eat some chow in the kitchen. It's so damn cute that you'll puke with delight if you haven't already seen it. I think I was in NYC when it happened, but just in case you missed it, too:

See the mischief.

::: posted by dan at 5:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button



I want to throw up. I have a brand new most embarassing moment ever.

A coworker called me and asked if I would create her a title graphic for a website that said "Continuous Improvement." I said sure, created the image, and attached it to an email. Then in the subject line, I attempted to type "cont improvement" so that she could easily identify the email, but my finger slipped or I was just being sloppy or something and I accidently made the worst typo ever. I typed "cunt improvement." I noticed it just as I was clicking Send. That's when my stomach imploded and my whole body got all sweaty. Luckily, I know her pretty well and she's a cool person, so I called her and told her that I made a very bad typo and that she needed to immediately delete it. She laughed when she saw it, and I'm fairly sure that she doesn't think it was some type of Freudian slip or something, but still. Cunt improvement. Why out of all the possible misspellings did I have to randomly type that word? And why did it have to be followed by the word "improvement"? Oh god, I'm going to throw up.

Of course, it wasn't until afterwards that another coworker informed me that I could've just recalled the email. I didn't even know that was a possibility on their email system.

I'm only telling anyone this because I need positive support. It's not that bad, is it? Please tell me it's not that bad. Man, I am not having a good week.

::: posted by dan at 2:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (28) comments Social Bookmark Button


Belushi took my car!

This happened in Crystal, right by my parents house. Knowing the area, it's honestly not a surprise. From the Minneapolis Star Tribune and the St. Paul Pioneer Press:

Crystal police sent to help an Elvis Presley impersonator who collapsed were detoured Monday night by the man's John Belushi impersonator friend, who led them on a chase worthy of "The Blues Brothers"...

...there on the sidewalk outside the club lay Elvis, flopping around in the midst of an apparent seizure. Speeding away in a car a few feet away was John Belushi... headed straight for the runway of the nearby Crystal airport...

Erkenbrack said he and another patrol officer raced to the VFW about 10:20 p.m. Monday to answer what they thought was a routine call about a man falling down some steps. When they arrived, Erkenbrack said, he found a man dressed like Elvis Presley, complete with pompadour and sideburns, sprawled on the ground.

Suddenly, Elvis "went into a huge convulsion," Erkenbrack said. "I mean, he was like a foot off the ground." And just as suddenly, the convulsions stopped, Elvis opened his eyes, shouted, "Viva Las Vegas!" and started singing Elvis tunes, Erkenbrack said...

...At that point, a woman who had been bar hopping with Elvis and the Belushi look-alike approached Erkenbrack to tell him that "Belushi took my car" and was headed toward the Crystal airport next door.

Erkenbrack radioed for help. Minutes later, police spotted Belushi sitting in a car parked behind an airport hangar. When they approached, Belushi sped off, leading officers on a six-minute chase across runways and between hangars at speeds that reached 75 miles per hour.

The chase ended when police forced Belushi into a spinout. Belushi, still wearing sunglasses and spitting blood from biting his tongue, was taken from the car to North Memorial Medical Center in Robbinsdale and later to the Hennepin County jail...

Sue Nabors, a VFW waitress who saw what happened, said the impersonators know each other and often sing at local lounges. She said Elvis "is a good Elvis singer" and Belushi "sings, too," but "not as often, and not as good."

Yeah, man, that Belushi guy sucks.

::: posted by dan at 10:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments Social Bookmark Button


The Gilmore Girls Target Market

During the Gilmore Girls tonight there was a commercial for Barbie Dolls. It's not like I was watching Saturday morning cartoons or something. Are they trying to tell me that Mattel's target market watches the Gilmore Girls? It's as if they want me to be ashamed to watch my favorite show. Besides, anyone of Barbie Doll age shouldn't be watching The Gilmore Girls because they are both sluts and it's awesome.

I think my favorite part of tonight's episode was the Swift Boats reference. By the way, I will not reveal what I read about The Gilmore Girls this week in Entertainment Weekly because it seemed to foreshadow a major plot development. You don't need it ruined for you like it was for me. Of course, I may have been misled.

::: posted by dan at 1:14 AM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, October 12, 2004 :::


The planetdan blog turned two years old a few weeks ago, and nobody noticed. It didn't get a card, a phone call, or even a measly congratulatory pat on the back.

According to my profile, I've written 52,189 words on my blog in the last two years. Take out all references to the Gilmore Girls and that's about 25,242 words. Remove all the Bush bashing rhetoric and political posts and you got 8,113 words left. Not that Gilmore Girls and Bush Bashing aren't worthwhile topics, mind you. But that still leaves you with quite a bit of so-so entertainment for your enjoyment. And after all that you go and forget its birthday? For shame!

Don't worry, though, I got it a gift and signed all of your names to the card. You each owe me ten bucks, by the way.

::: posted by dan at 11:08 AM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments Social Bookmark Button


I'm off my game lately.

My brain is cloudy. I can't concentrate. For example: today I was at a client's office, and I walked out into the hallway with my mind half-occupied about whatever I was working on and half-occupied with the fact that lunch wasn't too far off, when I must have subconsciously spied a door jam a few yards ahead that looked temptingly out of reach. Despite the fact that it seems wildly inappropriate and very un-dan-like, my pre-occupied brain made its own decision to make my body run down the hallway toward the door with the intention of jumping and slapping the door jam, like a high-five but minus any other participants. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I had already jogged ten feet and transferred my weight to begin my leap, and that's when my common sense kicked back in and I thought "What am I doing? What must this look like to anyone else in the hallway? I don't even really work here." And that fleeting thought resulted in a momentary hesitation that caused my leg to buckle and my body to tumble downward onto all fours with a thud and a skin-screech from my palms. The whole incident went unseen by anyone else, thank god, but it kind of scares me what I'll do without almost any awareness of it whatsoever.

Another problem now is that I'm obsessed with that stupid door jam. I walk underneath it twenty times a day, and I wanna jump up and slap it so bad I can almost taste it.

::: posted by dan at 10:02 AM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


Test Tube Couture

Wired magazine has an article about how scientists are growing clothing out of skin. For real this time. This ain't that creepy synthetic stuff we were talking about before. This is, in fact, what looks like a (not-so-stylish) turtle neck skin sweater:

I wonder what the care instructions are for a garment like this. "Feed thrice daily. Dry clean only." I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere about botox instead of ironing, but botox jokes are so Jay Leno.

::: posted by dan at 9:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, October 10, 2004 :::

Cats are bastards.

My neighbor's cat craps all over my lawn. And by the looks of it, they don't provide it with a healthy diet. Normally, I wouldn't mind, because I don't like being outside so I don't normally have to deal with it. But I do have to mow the lawn every week, and running over that stuff while you got your mower set to mulch is extremely unpleasant. I've been bitching about it to myself for weeks, but I'm too passive-aggressive to actually complain to the neighbors about it.

This weekend, though, kitty left me an extra treat: half a rabbit. Just the bottom half, mind you. It must've kept the top half to mount as a trophy. The bottom half it left for me, and being relatively new to homeownership, I wasn't sure of the proper animal carcass disposal process. My first instinct was to put it onto a shovel and chuck it into the alley, which I tried, but being non-athletic, it didn't clear the bush, and so it just landed on top, dangling from the branches. I got the rake and pulled the rabbit ass from the bush and was doing the three-two-one countdown for another toss when I looked up and saw my neighbor from across the alley. I'm positive he wasn't there the first time I threw the half-bunny into the bush, because I gave the area a good look-see beforehand. But regardless, I'm pretty sure that holding a mutilated animal carcass at the end of a rake while counting down to zero doesn't look good in any context. So I just walked away, all innocent like, pretending I didn't notice him standing there. I ended up bagging the thing into a hefty sack and putting it in the cat-owner's garbage bin, which I felt was justified.

I do regret the initial rabbit-tossing idea, though. That just wasn't right.

::: posted by dan at 10:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments Social Bookmark Button


It's October 10th, and Target would just like to remind you...

... that there are only 76 more shopping days until christmas!

::: posted by dan at 10:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


I just flew back from New York City...

...and boy are my arms tired. You can see pics of the trip in the pics department, but I was too lazy for captions, so if you want to know what the hell is going on in any of them you're going to have to ask.

Man, I wear this shirt a lot.

::: posted by dan at 10:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, October 08, 2004 :::

It's a full service McDonald's.

This was the scene at the Mall of America McDonald's today. It's kinda blurry, because I took it with my camera phone.

"Would you like a de-fib with that?"

::: posted by dan at 1:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, October 07, 2004 :::

Thank god X wasn't even an option.

I took this quiz online to find out what my life was rated. Apparently I am NC-17. If I am NC-17, then all of you guys are XXX because I'm relatively innocent, as far as you are aware anyway.

::: posted by dan at 11:16 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button



Not that anyone would ever know if I didn't spill the beans myself, but my underwear doesn't match my outfit today. I don't normally put much thought into matching my outfit to my underwear, but today the color clash is so bad that I get embarassed for myself every time I go to the bathroom. That really didn't come out the way I meant it to. Anyway, my Fruit of the Looms are red with an orangey hue, and my shirt is blue with a turquoisey hue.

See what I mean? Bad. It's hurts my head just to think about it. I feel like I should spend my lunchbreak picking up some plain old whities from Target, but changing your underwear midday in a bathroom stall because you think they might clash with your shirt seems a little over the top to me.

::: posted by dan at 9:56 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Rock on, Dan.

Furry took this picture of me at my nerd reunion a couple months ago. I don't remember being drunk, but I don't remember having this much fun either, so I guess I had a bit more to drink than I remember.

::: posted by dan at 1:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, October 06, 2004 :::

My Music Schedule

Thanks to a heads-up from a blog reader, I got tickets for The Scissor Sisters concert at the Quest in downtown Minneapolis in December. I am excited. Quest ain't the best venue, but at least it's not a sit down theater. I don't have the patience or the attention span for proper sit-down concerts anymore, which is sad because it means I will probably skip both Rufus Wainwright and Badly Drawn Boy at the Pentages theater this month. Especially since I'd have to go by myself since all y'all bitches have bad taste in music.

For anyone not in the know, The Quest used to be Glam Slam, owned by Prince and emblazened with his glyph logo in bronze on the dancefloor. It is now - and has pretty much always been - kinda dumpy, but B*Dubb and I saw Carmen Electra doing cartwheels in a pink bikini there about 10 years ago. She was handing out signed copies of her Go-Go Dancer rap single. That girl is like three feet tall and vacant like a bag of rocks, but she was one degree away from meeting Prince, which ten years ago really meant something to me.

::: posted by dan at 11:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Home Town Pride (with Barf)

Hey! This hockey team is from Eagan! My beautiful southern suburb neighbor!

You may want to click for larger.

What a (mostly) fine looking bunch of lads. I (knocking vigorously on wood) have never puked in public. Nor (knocking even more vigorously on wood) have I ever been puked on in public.

::: posted by dan at 11:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Hey, guess what?

Not everyone likes sports! And not everyone likes baseball! So when I set my Tivo to record episode 3 of Lost, a serial soap-opera-esque action/drama that requires regular viewership and that I happen to be hooked on, I expect it to record Lost, and not hour one of some supposedly important baseball game.

So I got home 10 minutes late only to find that the local affiliate of ABC had moved Lost to Channel 45, which in Minneapolis is inexplicably shown on Channel 12. So I finally figured all of that out, and recorded Lost for later viewing, only to discover that Channel 45(12) must've started the episode late, unbeknownst to my Tivo, which stopped recording promptly at 8pm. This means I missed the first 10 minutes and the last 5 minutes. Who knows what I missed.

Why didn't they play the stupid baseball game on Channel 45 and leave me my regularly scheduled program? Don't all sports freaks have cable anyway, if only for that ESPN Sports Center show? If not, then I would be happy to direct any of you to one of a thousand sports bars in the area that probably played the game on a big screen TV. Plus they even have beer there.

So if anyone knows what happened in the last five minutes of Lost, I sure would appreciate a recap. And if the Twins make it to the World Series this year, I will be burning my homer hanky in effigy.

::: posted by dan at 11:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Till death, or surgical removal, do we part.

I filed this picture away for a few months because it had no explanation when I found it online. But today I found the back-story, and I don't like to be the only one who has to be grossed out, so here you go:

A 44-year-old woman was brought to hospital by police. Over a period of years she had isolated herself and her daughter from society, arousing the concern of neighbours. A scant history of “schizophrenia”, personality disorder and intellectual disability was obtained from distant relatives.

Examination revealed classic clinical features of profound hypothyroidism. In addition, a lump was found on the patient’s ring finger (Box 1, A). Her mental state necessitated admission, after a psychiatric consultation, as an involuntary patient.

Investigations confirmed the diagnosis of hypothyroidism and indicated anaemia due to iron deficiency (Box 2). An x-ray of the lump (Box 1, B) revealed a wedding ring totally encased in the soft tissue. The patient was started on thyroxine and antipsychotic medication and transferred to a psychiatric institution, with marginal improvement in her mental state. Her daughter was removed to the care of child welfare authorities. The wedding ring was surgically removed. Histopathological examination of the lump revealed a foreign body granuloma with chronic low-grade Staphylococcus aureus infection.

::: posted by dan at 11:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, October 05, 2004 :::

Ugh. Five more years.

I'm not even sure which is a more depressing future to envision: four more years of Bush, or five more years of Jay Leno, who has finally announced that he will retire from the Tonight Show. In 2009. It must've been invigorating to waltz into his boss' office and shout "I quit in five years, bitches!" How triumphant.

At least they've already announced that Conan will replace Jay, which is something to look forward to, considering how Conan just astutely referred to John Kerry's face as looking like a bloodhound's scrotum, while Leno's big laugh was a really bad Monica Lewinsky reference. Again with the Monica Lewinsky jokes? Talk about a day late and a dollar short. Catch up already. Jeesh.

::: posted by dan at 11:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Halloween is stressful.

Halloween is coming. I've been invited to a party that requires constumes. I hate costumes. I hate the stress of coming up with a clever outfit. It's too much pressure. People's expectations are through the roof; a doctor or a graduate costume just won't cut it anymore. I just don't have that kind of creativity in me. The problem is that any costume I come up with will either come off as hideously homemade looking, like one of these guys:

Braveheart sure does have some glamorous hair. Such sheen. He must use Feria.

Or it could come off as terribly offensive, like this kid:

Or, it could be creepy perverted like this guy or this guy, who are definitely not suitable for work. P.S. The internet is really not a good place to search for halloween costume ideas.

That silly-putty-headed Bert costume is actually kind of funny, though. It reminds me of a McSweeney's list I read last week:

Letters That Have Never Brought You an Episode of Sesame Street:

W, M, and D
S, T, and D
T and A
F and U

::: posted by dan at 11:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, October 04, 2004 :::

Six seconds means instant death, but...

...the five-second rule is true, as long as it's not on carpet, so eat up:

Read all about it!

::: posted by dan at 1:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, October 03, 2004 :::

Me and Bobby D.

I've returned from New York, blistered and battered, but not really worse for the wear. I had one single solitary celebrity sighting: Robert DeNiro. Now, I'm not as shameless as Furry, so I was unable to snap a good picture of him, but he was strolling right at us in the middle of a quieter section of Central Park, and by the time I swung around to take a picture, he was quite far away. And so now he is no more than a blurry dot. But I know it was him, and I also know I was thisclose to bumping into the sumbitch. I think that's a pretty good celebrity sighting.

Anyway, I did lots of other stuff besides scanning the crowds for movie stars, and I'll put up some pictures if I ever get around to it. As for right now, I'm catching up on some good ol' cable TV, which I discovered is not so common among NYC residents. The withdrawl shakes are finally subsiding, though.

::: posted by dan at 10:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


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