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Monday, August 30, 2004 :::

Madness on the Midway

Furry at the fair:

Furry close-up at the fair:

What I think is funny about this picture is that Furry is scared shitless and the old woman dressed in the pot-holder on the right is barely even phased.

Anyway, the Minnesota State Fair is on. I'm not sure what the allure is, besides the food, but apparently some people are having a great time there.

::: posted by dan at 10:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sir, there's no basement at the Alamo!

My friend Maurice, while protesting at the Republican National Convention, holds my favoritest protest sign ever:

In case you can't read it, it says: "Ohh why yes Mr. President, I believe that the WMD's are in the basement of the Alamo." If you've seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure then you should be smiling right now (and if you haven't, then to hell with you).

I suppose Pee Wee Herman might not exactly be the best spokesman against the supposed "moral order" of the Republican Party, but he's still Awesome with a capital A (and if you don't think so, then to hell with you).

::: posted by dan at 4:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments Social Bookmark Button


Worst. Actors. Ever.

Dan's top three least favorite actors... OF ALL TIME:

Jake Busey
He single-handedly made Contact an imperfect movie. If it wasn't for his over-the-top and completely out-of-place overacting, the movie would have been flawless. Plus he sucks in absolutely everything else.

Nic Cage
Sure, he was in Adaptation and Raising Arizona, two of the best movies ever made, but he was also in Snake Eyes, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, The Family Man, Gone in 60 Seconds, 8MM, City of Angels, Face/Off, The Rock...

Harry Connick, Jr.
Yuk. He's the dull spot in every movie he's in. I don't care how cool you think his jazzy piano arrangements are. And as for his Will & Grace appearances, he's the antithesis of "comic timing".

::: posted by dan at 2:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, September 21st can't come fast enough.

As a self-proclaimed pop culture aficionado, my holy trinity consists of CDs, Movies, and TV. Books should be in there, too, but I couldn't think of a word for "trinity" that implied four entities, plus then I would have lost the Holy Trinity connection so I just gave up. Anyway, there is currently nothing in ANY of those three (four) milieus that I anticipate with more excitement than the next season of The Gilmore Girls (save maybe Gilmore Girls Season 2 on DVD). I don't care what anyone says, it's not only the best show on TV by far, it's one of the best forms of entertainment ever created. I would trade in all of my Decemberists CDs for all four seasons of The Gilmore Girls. Ok, that's going too far, and now I feel guilty for betraying my Decemberists, but honestly it really is that good of a show. Salon magazine agrees with me, and this is from someone who just started watching last week:

From Salon's I Like to Watch:
Apparently I [have felt] entitled to avoid "Gilmore Girls" despite the fact that lots of people seem to love it. So why had I never seen a single episode until last week? Maybe it's the way people whisper when they admit to enjoying a woman-centered drama on the WB, as if they're discussing feminine protection or some other topic that's so filthy with femaleness that it has to be dressed in flowing white silk, bathed in fresh, clean scents and coated in shiny, light-pink paint to hide its shameful womanliness.

This show is fantastic and anyone who's never seen it is missing out. Within the first 10 minutes, I was hooked. To think I wasted even a few hours of my time trying to get into soggy WB fare like "One Tree Hill," when "Gilmore Girls" (Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on WB) not only has great story lines, but the characters are all distinct and interesting, and it's funny. Isn't that going way beyond the call of duty?

[T]here are so many throwaway lines that would warrant a full-throttle blast from the laugh track on most sitcoms...On so many shows, characters say slapsticky stuff to get a laugh, regardless of how out of character their comments might be. And it's easy to tell how great a show is by how quickly you start to feel familiar with the characters. When writers base their character choices on real people and they're willing to let real weaknesses show, you get rich, unpredictable characters who add depth to every scene. No matter how simple and cheery the situation might be, complex characters are suspicious, or judgmental, or distracted. They don't just go along for the ride or take things at face value. They aren't easily fooled.

Sigh. I love you Gilmore Girls.

::: posted by dan at 12:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button



Gizmodo is a cool site. They just list and review different gadgets and electronic devices. It's for nerds, like me. But sometimes they feature some really disturbing products, such as:

Near Me: The Robo Kitten from Japan
If you scan past the japanese text and watch the video toward the bottom, you'll see why this thing is so damn creepy. Robots wierd me out.

Or the Gizmodo classic:
SmartKlamp: Single-Use, Automatic Circumcisions

::: posted by dan at 11:10 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Morbid for Monday Morning

Georgia. Go figure.

MARIETTA, Georgia (AP) -- A drunken driver hit a telephone pole support wire that decapitated his passenger, police said. He then drove 12 miles home and slept in his bloody clothes, police said, leaving the headless body in his truck.

A neighbor walking with his young daughter Sunday morning discovered Daniel Brohm's headless corpse in the truck in John Kemper Hutcherson's driveway and called authorities...

Officers said they found Hutcherson asleep inside his home, visibly drunk and his clothes bloody, and later found Brohm's severed head at the crash site.

The full article.

::: posted by dan at 10:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


In case you missed it.

My friend Glaser was mad that I dissed his Photoshop skills when he turned me into Prince a few posts down. So he tried again, only this time with 70's Prince (my second favorite Prince era):

This is the result.

He's getting better.

::: posted by dan at 10:53 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, August 29, 2004 :::

Another wasted weekend.

Seriously. While one friend of mine was protesting at the Rupublican National Convention and another was going to law school, I spent six and a half hours watching a twenty-year-old mini-series called 'Lace' on the Oxygen channel.

"Which one of you bitches is my mother?"

::: posted by dan at 10:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, August 26, 2004 :::

This hurts my head.

I can't figure this out. I feel dumb. If anyone can explain how this works, please inform me.

Click to see the magic of mathematics.

P.S. Ignore the Japanese characters, this must've come from some asian site.

::: posted by dan at 9:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Here comes the RNC.

In honor of the upcoming Republican National Convention, the plaza hotel in NYC has gone partisan:


::: posted by dan at 9:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, August 25, 2004 :::

Crooked-Faced Bitchery

Scientific reasoning for why Shannon Doherty is such a crazy bitch:

Lop-sided features linked to temper

Excerpt: Sometimes it can be worth judging by appearances: it seems that people with less symmetrical features are likely to be more aggressive. In a study of stressful telephone conversations, those with uneven faces and bodies were more prone to angry reactions.

A lack of symmetry is known to be a hallmark of slightly imperfect development, so the researchers speculate that people with ill-matched external features may also have small defects in their nervous systems, which impair their ability to control aggressive impulses.

The actual article is pretty funny because it describes how their experiment used a phone charity scam to piss people off so as to measure their responses against their crooked faces. And just in case you aren't understanding the Shannon Doherty reference:

::: posted by dan at 3:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, August 24, 2004 :::

Sigh. Fall is here.

I always get a sick stomach when I hear radio commercials for the Renaissance Festival. It means fall is here. It also means that a thousand weird nerds will gather in Shakopee to celebrate unicorns.

I remember one fall day about ten years ago: I was working at Adventures In Video (Best. Job. Ever.) and this guy came in all dressed up in tights and a feathery cap and some leather trim, obviously just back from a day at the festival. He had a friend with him who was dressed in plain old jeans and a sweatshirt. The festival nerd had a walking-sword thing, and he came up, thwapped it on the counter in front of me, and said something creepy like "Doest thou have a copy of The Net, my good man?" I replied that we did not, and he responded with a "hey-nonny-nonny" or a "tra-la-la" or something. Just kidding, but he did register his disgust with a grunt. After he picked out a different movie, he informed me that he would be paying with "royal coins bearing the king's insignia," and so he paid with silver dollars from a sack he had hanging from his twine belt. I tried not to roll my eyes, but let me tell you, silver dollars wreaked havoc when it came to the video store's closing procedure and the preparation of the bank deposit slip, so I wasn't too happy about it. Upon leaving, his plain-clothed friend said his one and only word: "Sorry."

What was impressive was that he never went out of character the whole time he was in the store. He was so dedicated to the role that I was surprised when he didn't challenge me to a duel or a joust or threaten to put me in the stockade whatever it is they do there at the Renaissance Festival. But then I really shouldn't be surprised because the nerds really like to commit to their obsessions. It's full-on gonzo or bust with them. Ain't no inbetween.

::: posted by dan at 9:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Drink Coke

Nearly pornographic:


::: posted by dan at 12:25 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, August 23, 2004 :::

Webalizer rules.

Here are some of the latest search terms that have lead people to my site recently:

• what does the olsen twins use for there hair (good grammar)
• little penis poking through underwear (little penis? don't think so.)
• national geographic penis (not little national geographic penis?)
• just boob (just boob, not vagina)
• neutering bunny in cincinnati (yuk)
• synchronized boob (huh?)
• terri dyniewicz (ha ha, Terri googled herself!)
• testicles shave pee (how specific, and oddly worded)

Now that I've typed them in here I will get even more web traffic for such search terms, which is good because it's fun to attract the perverts.

::: posted by dan at 11:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Purple Pain

Apparently there was a big re-release party for the movie Purple Rain at First Avenue this weekend. If you dressed up in gear from the era you could win prizes. I did not attend, but my friend Glaser decided it would fun to imagine I had, so he photoshopped it for me:

At least he's not very good with photoshop, but he could've picked a better shot of me. Anyway, Purple Rain is to be re-released on DVD tomorrow, and I don't want to have anything to do with it. It's a bad movie, even though it came out smack dab in the middle of my Prince phase.

::: posted by dan at 3:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


I rant because I can.

I don't care if George Bush used his upperclass priveleges to slack out of combat duty. I don't care how superficial Kerry's Vietnam wounds really were. I don't care if Bush had a coke habit, or a drinking problem, or a mistress. I don't care if Kerry got Botox. All the lame mudslinging about the past and the half-assed attempts at character defamation seem completely pointless when considering the reality of the current president:

• Bush lied to go to war. [and here]
• Bush and his cronies profited from the war.
• Bush has blurred the lines between church and state. [which is bad]
• Bush is committed to restricting civil liberties.
• Over 10,000 innocent Iraqi civilians are dead.
• Cheney is a snarl-mouthed devil with no consience.
• The world is a lot less safe than it ever was before.
• The economy still sucks for the majority of Americans.
• Bush totally hosed Afghanistan.
• The Bush Administration has destroyed our international reputation.

What's scary is that everybody already knows all this stuff. Nothing new here.

Even if he seriously has the best, most selfless of intentions for America (which I think is pretty unrealistic, but if you want to be an idealist, fine), he still has failed at every single task. When I think back on all the stupid reasons I or people I've known have been fired over the years, and then I watch while people actually consider giving this guy ANOTHER CHANCE at actually doing his job after having failed so miserably, well frankly it seems pretty fucking unbelievable. And I don't even like to curse on my blog. How much denial must you be in to even consider a vote for Bush? Does he have some incriminating dirt on half of America or something?

::: posted by dan at 2:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, August 22, 2004 :::


Some new junk in the trunk.

::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Ths stuff nightmares are made of.

Are these for warmth? For dress-up play-time? For sexual fetishism? None of the above. They are for giving me nightmares.

Crochet projects for the sociopathic:


::: posted by dan at 5:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments Social Bookmark Button


Breakfast: A Warning

I love sugary cereal. I eat it every day and my kitchen looks like the cereal aisle at the grocery store. This week I bought Cap'N Crunch : Crunch Berries, a longtime favorite. I didn't notice, but the box said: Watch Shapes Turn Blue! So I poured the milk and made the discovery that the shapes don't turn blue; but the milk does. Very blue. It's totally revolting, and even worse, it makes the whole meal taste less like Can'N Crunch and more like that metallic-flavored red frosting that they always use to create decorative roses for cake-toppings. See, no blue shapes, just blue milk:

And I will also admit, embarassingly, but for the sake of all cereal lovers and interested parties everywhere, that I found out the next day that the milk wasn't the only thing that turned blue. Ahem.

::: posted by dan at 4:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Weekend Epiphanies

1. All Kevin Smith movies suck. As a young impressionable film lover, I may have been influenced by Clerks' bawdy attitude or by Dogma's bold concept, but having had time to reflect and to see them again, it's clear that they suck. Chasing Amy sucks. Mallrats sucks. Jay and Silent Bob sucks the worst. And I can guarantee that although I haven't even seen it, Jersey Girl sucks. Any belief in the contrary would be absurd.

2. Sloppy Joes are disgusting. The thought of them makes my tummy turn. The soggy bun. The spicey ketchup flavor. The mess-hall vat of slop feel of it all. Gag. What some people can bring themselves to consume is beyond me. They are like hamburgers that someone already ate.

::: posted by dan at 4:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, August 17, 2004 :::

Perverse Guessing Games, Volume II likes to change their logo to suit the holiday or special occassion. The Olympic are on, so a new fun logo was in order! But here's the challenge: can you tell the difference between these two Google logos?

Hint: Google must've gotten a few complaints about the first one, because they released the second logo later that evening after de-emphasizing one glaring item. Whoopsie.


::: posted by dan at 11:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Perverse Guessing Games

Guess what this is:

You can click on the picture for an answer, but be warned, it is DEFINITELY not suitable for work. Or children. Or the prudish. But it's still a must-see.


::: posted by dan at 11:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Adventures in Questionable Parenting

Exhibit A:
You might think, "What, she's just wearing a swimsuit," but if you don't feel the need to take a shower after seeing this picture then perhaps your concept of proper social standards is getting a little lax:

Exhibit B:

Pimp and Ho Halloween Cosumes for Your Child



::: posted by dan at 11:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Surprise surprise.

Gap between haves, have-nots gets wider

And I still talk to people every day who think that they are benefiting from Bush's "tax breaks". If they hear the words "tax" and "cut" in the same sentence they'll vote for anyone, but what they don't realize is this (from the aforementioned article):

New government data also shows that President Bush?s tax cuts have shifted the overall tax burden to the middle class from the wealthiest Americans.

And if this doesn't drive you mad, nothing will:

The income gap is showing up in booming sales of luxury items. Porsche Cars North America Inc. says sales are up 17 percent for the year. Strong sales at Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue overshadow lackluster sales at stores such as Wal-Mart, Sears and Payless Shoes.

Bush's tax cuts have given the rich plenty of spending cash, while middle America can barely afford to shop at Target. Nice. Still waiting for that windfall to trickle down, George.

::: posted by dan at 11:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, August 16, 2004 :::

For your health.

Let the scaremongering commence:

1. AM Radio causes Leukemia.

2. There is now Prozac in your drinking water.

3. One out of five people ages 12 and over has the virus that causes genital herpes. Although if you catch it from a 12-year-old, you got bigger problems than herpes.

On a side note, did you know that Graham Crackers were invented as a dietary supplement to supress carnal urges, in order to remedy the "dire maladies in the sexually overheated", such as pulmonary consumption, spinal diseases, epilepsy, and insanity? Graham crackers are good. Especially the ones with the cinnamon on top. Mmmmm. Gets me all horny just thinking about 'em.

::: posted by dan at 11:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Coolest. Thing. Ever.

PhotoStamps are here! You can put any picture you want on a stamp now! It's so awesome that I get excited tummy just thinking about all the possibilities. Even better, you can upload your photos right to their website to see what they would look like!!!!! Let me catch my breath....

Here are a couple I came up with, just as an example:

The opportunities for abuse are so limitless that I just threw up a little from the excitement.

::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Mama's medicine.

Real nice:

Mom lets 5-year old son use crack.

::: posted by dan at 10:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, August 12, 2004 :::

Fun with Windows Auto-Fill

Windows keeps records of what you enter into online fields so that you can take advantage of your frequently used entries. Here is a list of what I've evidently typed into the Subject line of my Hotmail over the past couple months. My Google search box auto-fill menu has got some doozies, too, but we won't go there right now.

Bottom line, youdonevenknowme.
civil servant
Clogged Ear
Do not swing from roots.
Don't go there.
elliot is dead. ka-ching!
Fine Line?
Hello? What's the scoop?
Hi guys.
I Froze Up
I haven't fergot.
Ini imi.
Kick Ass
Opportunity of a lifetime.
Please cease and desist.
Rufus Rawks
Socialite Roers
Sumpin Sumpin
This is why I asked about Friday.
Tis almost the season...
Uh oh!
Week Three!
Well, la di da.
Who are you?
why o why won't you be my baby?

I really wish I could remember what I didn't fergot. I also wish I could remember why I asked about Friday, what the opportunity of a lifetime was, or what in the hell "Do not swing from roots" means. Sadly, I remember the "clogged ear" email quite vividly.

::: posted by dan at 4:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


There's no "lez" in scrabble.

I like Scrabble. I do. But no one will ever play it with me. I think it's relaxing. Smart people always play Scrabble in the movies, by a fire, drinking wine. How cozy does that sound? Anyway, some kid caused an uproar by playing the word "lez" in a Scrabble Tournament. I'm not sure what's more offensive, the word "lez" or the fact that there actually exists a Scrabble Advisory Board. From the SFGate:

It wasn't a four-letter word, but it was close enough to cause a stir at the National Scrabble Championship Thursday...In the final round, eventual champion Trey Wright played the word "lez," which was on a list of offensive words not allowed during the tournament.

Normally, no word is off-limits, but because the games were being taped for broadcast on ESPN, certain terms had been deemed inappropriate, including the three-letter slang for lesbian. "There are words you just can't show on television," Scrabble Association Executive Director John Williams said. "The ultimate absurdity is that you can't play the word 'redskins' on ESPN," he said.

Williams spoke with Wright and his opponent, David Gibson, then called an emergency meeting of the Scrabble Advisory Board. The board unanimously agreed to remove the word. Wright then returned the two tiles he had selected and played a different word, Williams said.

I like to imagine the emergency meeting being called late at night, with ladies caught off-guard in curlers and slippers and unshaven men with misbuttoned shirts, meeting in a war room somewhere to debate Scrabble tiles and to generally take care of all urgent Scrabble matters. The full article.

::: posted by dan at 1:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


I hate The Family Circus

Back in '98, all the lame comic strips pulled a fast one on April Fool's Day and took turns drawing each other's comics. It was lame, but Dilbert's Scott Adams drew The Family Circus. I remember at the time thinking it was particularly funny, because only one week earlier the big "news" story had been that Mommy from the Family Circus was getting a new haircut for the first time in like 30 years, in order to keep up with the new trends. I think the news stations picked it up as kind of a metaphor for the changing times, or the loss of innocence, or the power of nostalgia, or god knows what. Anyway, something reminded me of that comic, and I found it online, so here it is:

And you can see the other comic switcheroos here, but like I said, they were all pretty lame.

::: posted by dan at 1:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


It ain't easy being a sassy bitch.

There were a million jokes that could've been made regarding this news item, but Gawker takes the cake for its very unPC, yet very clever, wordsmithery:

Rosie O’Donnell’s inaugural voyage on her new gay-oriented cruise line was a bit of a bust, racking up $250,000 in losses. Apparently the homo seafaring market prefers to cruise the docks rather than depart from them.

Speaking of wordsmithery, here are some of Webster's latest additions to their dictionary. Who knew that Menudo was a tripe stew?

::: posted by dan at 12:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Maybe he was just being modest.

Four direct quotes from Porter Goss, who was recently nominated by Bush to be head of the CIA:

"It is true I was a case officer, clandestine services officer, and yes, I do understand the core mission of the business. But I couldn't get a job with the CIA today. I am not qualified."

"I don't have the language skills. I, you know, my language skills were Romance languages and stuff. We're looking for Arabists today. I don't have the cultural background, probably."

"And I certainly don't have the technical skills, uh, as my children remind me every day, 'Dad you got to get better on your computer.'

"Uh, so, the things that you need to have, I don't have."

He said these things a mere five months ago. Lets hope he's boned up on his skillz in the meantime. Not that Bush would know a qualified candidate from a hole in the ground. If you don't like Dan getting political, then scroll down and read about Dave Matthew's poop.

::: posted by dan at 12:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Yay! 'Bout time, bitches.

The Onion, print edition, is headed to town.

::: posted by dan at 11:50 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, August 11, 2004 :::

Holy christ.

Once I watched all 20 episodes of the first season of Gilmore Girls in one weekend. It was a lot of couch time, for sure. But thankfully, my skin didn't become one with the couch fabric:

600-Pound Woman Dies After Being Surgically Removed From Couch

::: posted by dan at 8:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Happy Birthday, eCommerce.

I honestly can't remember the first thing I ever bought online. It was probably something on eBay. Since then I've bought plenty of garbage, the strangest probably being a rare recalled Sears Catalog from the 70's that featured an underwear ad with a man who was poking out of the bottom of his boxers, which I promptly resold for three times what I bought it for. Anyway, eCommerce turns 10 today. From

Few remember or have ever even heard of the Web retailer, but on Aug. 11, 1994, the college grads that founded NetMarket in Nashua, N.H., claimed they had conducted the very first secure retail transaction on the Web.

They said the first item purchased via a Web site protected by commercially available data encryption technology was the CD "Ten Summoner's Tales" by Sting...

::: posted by dan at 4:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Dave Matthews pooped in my mouth! I'll never brush again!

From Fox News:
Chicago's First Lady, a sightseeing boat, was taking over 100 people on a tour of the city's world-famous architectural landmarks Sunday afternoon... the boat paused underneath the Kinzie Street bridge (search). That's when one, or maybe two, tour buses passed overhead — and emptied their sewage tanks onto the boat below.

"It went onto people, into eyes and mouths," Lynn Osmond, president and CEO of the Chicago Architecture Foundation told the newspaper.

The pooped-on passengers got the license numbers of the large, black tour buses, and police were trying to track down their operators... The Sun-Times said Tuesday that a touring rock band, which authorities would not name, may have chartered the buses. However, the Tribune said a bus belonging to the Dave Matthews Band had been fingered in the smelly mishap...

::: posted by dan at 3:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, August 10, 2004 :::

Nerd Reunion

Last Saturday we had a mini-reunion with old classmates from my advanced English/Social Studies High School program, called Humanities. It's eleven years later, but hopefully we aren't nerds anymore. But don't judge by this picture alone, because there was some drunkeness at the Herkimer. It was a lot of fun.

It's really hard to explain the bond that Humanities builds until you survive it yourself. 13 out of 30 or so showed. See all the pics if you have any interest in that.

::: posted by dan at 11:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Stan Miller Dan

I had to call tech-support for my router last night, and the guy barely spoke English. It took a good five minutes for him to get my name, I spelled it at least ten times, but apparently he never really got it because this morning I got a customer service email from him addressed to I just assumed he was cheap labor hired in a foreign country, but at one point while we were waiting for my computer to reboot, he told me a joke that I thought showed remarkable knowledge about American pop culture, so maybe I'm wrong. It went something like this:

Why does Snoop Doggy Dog always carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.

::: posted by dan at 11:50 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Insincere Retail Bitches

So I guess maybe I am a little more self-deluded than I thought. My friend B*Dub always told me that retail stores like Banana Republic, The Gap, and J. Crew trained their employees to "validate" the customers' purchases by routinely complimenting their choice in clothing at the check-out counter. And even though I regularly got phrases like "Oh, I love this shirt, I can't believe it's on sale," and "These pants are fantastic, I own five pairs myself," I still never really believed it. How could people be so insincere, even if their job demanded it? And secretly, I just wanted to believe I really did have good taste in clothes. Then I went to the Banana Republic and found a pair of pants on the clearance rack, and upon purchase the pleasant fellow at the check-out counter said "These are my favorite pants, I'm wearing them right now." Then he walked away from the counter briefly to get a bag, and I couldn't help but notice that the pants he was wearing didn't even come close to resembling the ones I was purchasing, in either style or color. I was buying twill khaki type pants. He had on dark woolen looking things with a pattern and pocket flaps. So then I thought "Maybe he just meant pants in general, he just likes pants," but I couldn't fool myself with that, so I said "What?" and he just said "Yeah, I wear them to work like every day," and smiled a big toothy grin. He apparently thought I could not see his pants behind the counter, but I did not call him on it, mostly because I was too ashamed that I had fallen for their phony compliments.

Anyway, I'm re-evaluating my whole wardrobe now. So if there is any piece of clothing in particular that you have seen me in that you hated, be it in pictures or in person, let me know.

::: posted by dan at 11:39 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, August 09, 2004 :::

Kiddie rides are fun!

Gross. Why didn't they at least pick a Disney character that wore pants? Or maybe they could make him leer a little less? Or heck, maybe not make his crotch the actual seat?

::: posted by dan at 11:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Danny, Age 4 : Hotdog Fan

I found this tucked into a file cabinet at my mama's:

Seemingly, little has changed. I remember the day my sister made me sit between a floor lamp and the wall so that she could trace my silhouette. The sad thing is that even at age four, and not sitting too far from the wall, my gargantuan head silhouette is too big to fit on a modern day scanning bed. In fact, I had to piece together four separate scans just to get the whole complete picture. That's how big it is.

My XL head has always been a source of stress. I can't really buy hats. None fit, and when I do actually manage to squeeze one on, it is always stretched to the limit of its mockingly cruel "one-size-fits-all" craftsmanship. Before high school graduation we got fitted for the gowns, and while they measured my head I got nervous, so as a pre-emptive measure to avoid embarrassment, I stammered, "I know, I know, I need a large cap." But that backfired because the head-measuring volunteer (stupid Jon Sprague) announced loud enough for the whole senior class to hear: "Um, make that EXTRA-large." Yeah, I walked into it, but who would've thought that they would put children through the mortifying situation of having to order an extra-large ANYTHING. I just naturally assumed that they would not even offer sizes above Large. And just to push the dagger in a little bit deeper, come graduation day the XL cap barely even fit. Me and my stupid big head.

::: posted by dan at 10:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, August 06, 2004 :::

Hot crust buns.

I was only inside of a fraternity once, picking up a friend. The whole place smelled like sweatsocks and from the sounds of their CD players, they all had terrible taste in music. It was all Margaritaville this, Snoop-Doggy that. I don't like frats. Or fraternizing. Or drunken idiots (despite the fact that I am one every now and again). So these jackasses get what they deserve:

When drinking games go bad.

Make sure you click on the pics to get nice fat close-ups.

::: posted by dan at 8:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


I heart the internet.

In the last hour I've been able to find the entire unreleased Elliott Smith CD and four new unreleased Bjork songs. How did people live before the internet? And check out how cool Bjork is on her new cover:

::: posted by dan at 8:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


MeritLess Badges

The boyscouts won't let you join, so you wait 20 years, start a gay nudist retreat, and make up some of your own merit badges. I think Prostate Massage is my favorite:

See more, if you like, but I wouldn't view this site at work.

::: posted by dan at 8:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Just one more reason not to swim in the ocean.

Newly discovered, from Wired: The Chiasmodon niger, or "great swallower," has a huge stomach and can capture and ingest prey that is bigger than it is.

Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.

::: posted by dan at 7:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, August 04, 2004 :::

Fun with Google

Loads of fun can be had by typing in "Dance Recital" into the Google Image Search. These three in particular are all kinds of grody:

::: posted by dan at 11:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments Social Bookmark Button


Presidential Bunghole

Former President Lyndon B. Johnson used to tape all his phone conversations. Some say because he was paranoid. Some say he just wanted to hold people accountable. Like this guy from the Joe Haggar pants company. What's particularly great is hearing the President talk about his "nuts" and his "bunghole" before belching audibly while trying to order a pair of pants over the phone. He sure does sound like he was a classy president.

Listen to the "nuts" and "bunghole" excerpt here.

I wonder when the word "bunghole" entered into the American lexicon? Hmmm, intriguing.

::: posted by dan at 10:35 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, August 03, 2004 :::

You have bad taste in music.

I've been trying to turn over a new leaf and not be so judgemental about other people's tastes. Really I have. But this is just too awesome not to post:

You have bad taste in music.

But really, if you want to get the gist of it, watch this video of my new hero berating the attendees of a Train concert. Okay, so it's a totally evil thing to do to people, but it's still awesome in concept.

::: posted by dan at 1:01 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, August 02, 2004 :::

Why Kerry might not just be the lesser of two evils.

Because he makes reasonable statements of faith like this:

"I'm Christian, I'm Catholic, it's important to me," Kerry said. "It has served me through my whole life. But as I said in my (convention) speech, I'm not going to say God is on my side and I'm not going to go out and divide people. I want to pray that we are on God's side." - Kerry

Instead of crazy zealous statements like this:

"I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can't explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen... I know it won't be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it." - Bush

::: posted by dan at 3:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Something to look forward to.

I have a love/hate relationship with John Waters. I love Hairspray and Serial Mom. But I think Cecil B. Demented was like a horrible nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I'm indifferent about Pink Flamingos and all of his earlier stuff. Pecker was alright, I guess. But I have to admit, his new movie looks like it could be pretty funny, and with the likes of Tracey Ullman, Selma Blair, and Chris Isaak, it can't be all that bad:

Learn all about A Dirty Shame, not to be confused with A Low Down Dirty Shame, of Wayans Brothers fame. Or, even better, download the trailer here, and watch out for the Hokey Pokey scene. There's a reason the film is rated NC-17.

Did you know that John Waters is also an artiste? He's even got gallery exhibitions. This is one of my favorites, entitled Sneaky JFK:

::: posted by dan at 2:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


I want one.

At first I thought this was just another one of those retarded Japanese inventions that barely has a purpose. But it's actually kind of neat if you think about it, or maybe it's just the nostalgia kickin' in:

::: posted by dan at 12:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


Orange you glad your inheritance isn't an orange?

All I know is that my family better leave me more than a shriveled-up orange. I don't care whose sock drawer they found it in. And who gives an orange for a Christmas present? That's not even stocking-worthy.

80-year-old Orange Becomes Family Heirloom

The shrunken, rock-hard, nearly petrified piece of fruit - it's no longer orange - has been in her family 83 years... The orange is older than she is and was a Christmas gift to her father from her aunt in 1921.

"It's almost unbelievable," she said. "That must have been a perfect orange to last this long." Wanting to save the orange for later, her father took it into his room and placed it in a dresser drawer, Clark said. He must have forgotten about it, because when he remembered it, it was no longer edible. "The next time he saw it, the orange had started to get really hard, like a rock," Clark said. He decided to keep it and put it in his trunk, Clark said.

"When I got big enough to get in the trunk, I would get the orange and play with it," she recalled. When her father died, the orange came to her. She plans to pass it along to her children.

::: posted by dan at 12:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments Social Bookmark Button


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