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Thursday, December 31, 2009 :::

New Math for the New Year

I was watching Jeopardy today when I suddenly got curious about what might be the highest possible amount a contestant could win in one game, if they happened to answer every single question correctly, including all the Double and Final Jeopardies (assuming they always bet the maximum). So being the biggest nerd on the planet, I did some math:

Jeopardy Round:
Six Categories, six dollar amounts: $200, $400, $600, $800, $1000
$3,000 x 6 = $18,000
One Daily Double, assuming it's in the $200 spot (which it never is) and a player picked that one last: 17,800 x 2 = $35,600

Double Jeopardy Round:
Six Categories, six dollar amounts: $400, $800, $1200, $1600, $2000
$6,000 x 6 = $36,000
Two Daily Doubles, assuming they're in the $400 spots (which they never are) and a player picked them last: $35,200 + $35,600 from first round x 2 = $141,600 x 2 = $283,200

Double it for Final Jeopardy = $566,400

Although it would probably something a tad less than that, because Daily Doubles are generally located in the higher dollar amounts, although I don't know if there's any rule that says they AWLAYS are.

By contrast, it took Ken Jennings over 75 games to win just $3,022,700, which by my calculations, he should have been able to do in 6 if he were really all that smart.

What has this got to do with New Years?

::: posted by dan at 4:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, December 25, 2009 :::

The Reason for the Season

Merry Xmas Everyone!

::: posted by dan at 12:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, December 23, 2009 :::

The Season of Giving

I was at the gas station yesterday and I had just purchased my Powerball tickets. I was about to leave when I heard the customer at the cashier next to me say "Hey man, do you have that new Mario game for the Wii?" and the guy behind the counter said, "We don't sell video games here. It's a gas station."

So I looked over and saw that the curious customer was a younger fella, maybe around the age of 14 or so, and not mentally handicapped, but certainly not at the head of his class either. The boy continued "No man, I'm not asking if you sell it, I'm asking if you have it."

The employee said "You mean, like, personally?" the older cashier asked.

"Yeah, man," he answered.

So the gas station attendant answered a little warily, "No, I don't."

"Oh, man, that's too bad cuz it's really cool."

There was an awkward silence. I looked around and realized that everyone in the gas station was watching the interaction with mild interest. The conversation seemed over, but the cashier and boy were still locking eyes, expectantly. Finally, the boy broke the silence:

"You know what else is cool?" he asked.

After a long beat, the cashier finally relented and responded, "No... what?"

"Dirty magazines," replied the kid, a little too quickly.

Like a good train wreck, nobody could take their eyes off the scene. The cashier stared at the boy. The boy stared at the cashier. The entire gas station stared at the duo. And all the dirty magazines behind the counter stared back at everyone. That's when I realized what game the kid was playing, and how badly he was playing it.

The crowd waited with anticipation, wondering how the cashier would reply. But he must have been an expert at this kind of situation, because he glared at the boy without blinking or breaking eye contact, waited just long enough for it to get extremely uncomfortable, and then replied with as little inflection as possible:

"Okay then, have a good day."

The kid got the hint and left, seemingly unshamed by the exchange. I guess I can't blame the kid for trying, but he's gotta work on his strategy a bit.

Speaking of the possibility of free p0rn, I finally got rid of the BBOP. The willing recipient will have to reveal him/herself in his/her own good time. But I'm glad to be rid of that thing. I hope it's better appreciated in its new home.

::: posted by dan at 7:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, December 21, 2009 :::

Um, whut?

Man Performs Bum-Sniffing Assault on Workers at Co-Op

I know I can space out a little sometimes, but how do you not notice someone sticking their face in your rear twenty times in a row? Wouldn't you start thinking, "How many bottom-shelf yogurts does that guy need?"

::: posted by dan at 9:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 17, 2009 :::

A Pre-New Years Resolution

I know I am not a nice person because I can observe other people acting much more mature and making kind, empathetic decisions that I would never make in a similar situation. For example:

We had our holiday work dinner party last night. Apparently I got a little overzealous during the dessert course and unbeknownst to me I had somehow managed to smear chocolate sauce across my forehead. When my friend and coworker Cherry Nut noticed this, she discreetly leaned forward, pointed at her own forehead, said "You have some chocolate right here," and went on with her own table discussion as if nothing had happened.

By comparison, had I been in the same situation and noticed some chocolate smeared across her forehead, I probably would have snickered, nudged the person next to me and gotten them to notice. Then I would've regained my composure for long enough to ask her to pose for a picture as if nothing were the matter. Then I would have posted it online the second I had the chance and laughed even harder as I imagined her getting home that evening and going to the mirror to wash her face before bed and realizing...

I'd like to think I wouldn't act like this, but one case in point against me would be the time my good friend C-Minus and I were eating spaghetti at an Italian restaurant, and she somehow got a piece of meatball and some sauce to stick right in the middle of her neck without noticing. I let her walk around like that all night, not because I was afraid to embarrass her by pointing it out, but because it was funnier to leave it there.

I'm not going to be like that anymore, though. I'm going to turn over a new leaf and live my life by the Golden Rule: Tell Someone When They've Got A Meatball On Their Neck Just Like You'd Like Someone To Tell You If You've Got Chocolate Sauce on Your Forehead.

::: posted by dan at 7:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, December 08, 2009 :::

Super Sinus Friction

A few months ago I took a cab to an event where I knew parking would be an issue. It's kind of rare to take a cab in Minneapolis when you aren't drunk, in my limited experience. But it's better than circling the block for two hours.

The foreign cabbie was was chatty. And absurdly vulgar. He began by insulting all the people on the street and talking about their flaws. They were apparently all former fares, and most of the ladies were once "skinny and hot" but were now fat and "repulsing." A lot of the guys were "up-nosed assholes" or "lowlifers." I started to get nervous about my own behavior, because god knows what how he would describe me to all his future fares if I didn't play it right. So I tried not to act like an "up-nosed asshole," whatever that was. I also vowed not to walk by any cabs if I happened to gain any weight in the future. Those foreign cabbies are apparently a fickle bunch, with superlative memories to boot.

I'll leave out any further expletives, but he continued like so: "You like Sinus Friction?"

His accent wasn't great to begin with, but this was perplexing because I had no idea how to interpret it, and it was especially coincidental that I had been battling with a Neti Pot at the time, which did indeed cause a little Sinus Friction. But I wouldn't say I liked it, and why would he even care?

"What?" I replied.

"Sinus Friction. Sinus Friction! You know, like voodoo and interspace and Vulkings. Sinus Friction!" And then it clicked, "Ohhhh, Science Fiction," I corrected him.

"Yes, Sinus Friction. If you like Sinus Friction, then you go downtown and look at the lights. It's like Super Sinus Friction, man."

"How do you mean?" I questioned.

"Just go downtown to Marquette and 11th and you'll see what I mean. Traffic signs from future. Super Sinus Friction. You see that girl there walking the dog? She used to be hot but now she's super fat, man, hahahahahahahahaha."

It was all very cryptic. I wasn't sure how it was all related, but I memorized the intersection for future reference and eventually exited the cab a few blocks early because he was making me uncomfortable. But for months I kept it in the back of my mind whenever I was driving through downtown, yet I never seemed to make it to that particular intersection.

Then a few days ago I was waiting at a stoplight and I looked up: Marquette and 11th. The Super Sinus Friction intersection. This was it. I looked around in anticipation, expecting some amazing traffic lightshow with lasers or talking robots. This is what I saw:

It's a light-up LED No Left Turn sign. It doesn't even blink. Even if you could attribute it to being in the realm of "Science Fiction" (which would be a major stretch) you certainly couldn't refer to it as being "super" in any way.

Don't ever let that guy write for Star Trek, because his imagination isn't exactly forward-thinking. Someone should get him a Lite Brite for Christmas and blow his mind.

Talk about disappointing. But I guess I shouldn't put so much stock in the crazy ramblings of a foreign cabbie with undiagnosed Tourette Syndrome.

::: posted by dan at 6:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, December 07, 2009 :::

Brassy McSassypants

Note to self:

* Brass Ring is a third-party career portral that large coporations use to outsource their employment and hiring websites.

* Brass Rail is a stripper pole. It's also a gay strip club in downtown Minneapolis.

Try not to interchange the two during important client meetings anymore. It makes for many strange looks. Especially when it comes out something like "I'll have to take a closer look at the Brass Rail to see what I'm capable of doing with it."

And here is a related animated GIF repost:

P.S. I hate the phrase "note to self" passionately, but I couldn't seem to find a way around it this time. I promise to try harder in the future.

::: posted by dan at 6:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 03, 2009 :::

"Because I am, in many ways, a six year old."

I hope his specialty is sanitation and septic systems.

I once knew a guy named Boody. No lie.

Awesomest. Name. Ever.

::: posted by dan at 5:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, December 02, 2009 :::

What not to buy dan for xmas, vol. II.

By the graciousness of a good friend, I was able to try out a Snuggie the other day. I do not see the point. It was more cumbersome than convenient, and even by her own admission, the owner wears it backwards and ties the sleeves around her neck otherwise they "just keep getting in the way." So she basically had to turn it into a robe-cape to make it effective.

Look at me reading a book AND drinking wine AND staying warm all at the same time! Of course, I'm always the kind of guy who is uncomfortably hot and sweaty in any and all environments anyway, so perhaps I am not the target market for this type of thing. At least the color is somewhat flattering to my complexion.

This seems like a good time to bring back this video. It's full of naughty language and it's been seen over eight millions times, but I think it might need to be seen at least eight million more:

My friend looks really good in hers, though. :)

::: posted by dan at 5:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


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