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Friday, December 30, 2005 :::


My friend Brent has talked for years about some TV show he saw on cable one night about how the secret to beauty is a symmetrical face. Seems like a pretty obvious hypothesis, because no one likes a crooked face, but apparently all the great beauties in history have symmetrical faces, where it looks like one side of the face is simply reflecting the other. He claims they documented some experiment with babies and that the babies always preferred the symmetrical faces and that this somehow implies that a human's love for symmetrical beauty is hardwired at birth. Never mind how they manage to judge a baby's preference, lets get down to how this applies to me. The implication seems to be that if your face is symmetrical that you are attractive to other people, therefore if you reflect your face in photoshop, you can test out your level of beauty.

The results are kinda creepy and inconclusive. I'm not terribly asymmetrical, but I ain't so pretty either, no matter how you slice it. I guess babies are just stupid:


Mirrored Left

Mirrored Right

My ears are definitely wonky, though. That's just one more thing to avoid looking at in the mirror.

::: posted by dan at 5:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments Social Bookmark Button


100 Things You Don't Know

BBC's 100 things we didn't know this time last year is more like 100 things BRITISH people didn't know this time last year, but still, it's got a lot of cool stuff in it:

8. Devout Orthodox Jews are three times as likely to jaywalk as other people, according to an Israeli survey reported in the New Scientist. The researchers say it's possibly because religious people have less fear of death.

Apparently their god doesn't hate rude people. They probably cross diagonally, too, just to prolong the annoyance.

10. Humans can be born suffering from a rare condition known as "sirenomelia" or "mermaid syndrome", in which the legs are fused together to resemble the tail of a fish.


17. Bosses at Madame Tussauds spent ?0,000 separating the models of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston when they separated. It was the first time the museum had two people's waxworks joined together.

I liked this one because I have a weird obsession with wax museums. I wonder if they had to melt them apart. And I wonder exactly where they were attached. Ahem.

20. The Queen has never been on a computer, she told Bill Gates as she awarded him an honorary knighthood.

That's too bad because it's fun to imagine the Queen sitting up all prim and proper at a computer, with one of those gelatin wrist-rests for comfort, updating her MySpace page or buying some Five for Fighting songs on iTunes.

41. Tactically, the best Monopoly properties to buy are the orange ones: Vine Street, Marlborough Street and Bow Street.

What kind of messed up Monopoly do they play over in England?

73. One in six children think that broccoli is a baby tree.

Awwwwww! Barf. Did they steal that one from a Family Circus cartoon?

Read 'em all and be smarter than the average British dolt.

::: posted by dan at 7:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 29, 2005 :::

Back into the Frying Pan

How Republicans Are Like Michael Jackson Fans

Best Simile Ever

This should probably read "Bush Supporters" instead of "Republicans" but I didn't want to editorialize the guy.

::: posted by dan at 11:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button



I came across this image a couple days ago and I'm speechless. Such exquisite craftsmanship. Such sophisticated beauty. Such tacky subjects.


See More of these, because you know you're looking for ideas.

Of course, this made me curious and I had to go and do an image google search for "fingernails" to see what other grotesqueries might exist out there. Yikes. Between these and gem sweaters, you could create a beast to rival even the most hideous Homeric creation.

::: posted by dan at 7:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, December 27, 2005 :::

The last of the xmas parties.

My friend Frank shares her birthday with the christ, which means she rarely gets to celebrate, so we made special plans to "one up the baby jesus with a rager at the Champps in Burnsville" on xmas night.

I am terribly photogenic.

Normally I blink with both eyes at the same time, I swear.

There was an 80's cover band playing, and they were actually pretty good. In fact, they were so good that they sounded exactly like the original songs no matter what they were performing, which led me to question why the bar didn't just buy a ghetto blaster, play some random 80's compilation CD, and call it a night. But I guess a live band always gets the crowd revved up, plus it means you can charge a seven dollar cover at a sports bar chain restaurant.

All the pics are here, but it will probably be hard to distinguish these pics from any of the other pics I usually post lately, and there are also these recent pics from when I went out for a fancy xmas meal a couple weeks ago with friends, which will really confuse you because I'm even wearing the same outfit. Next month I have Ireland on the roster, so if you're sick of pictures of beer bottles and dan's sweaty face then you have that to look forward to. Not that there won't be beer bottles and sweaty faces in Ireland.

::: posted by dan at 11:43 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments Social Bookmark Button



I want to stop playing with this thing so bad, but I can't.

I also want to stop watching this over and over. (3MB .mov, right click to download)

It's amazing. Slow motion = drunkorz. I never realized it before.

::: posted by dan at 5:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, December 25, 2005 :::

My Gift to You

This year I got my brothers and sisters some books for xmas. I love getting books as gifts, but I worry that some people might think they are boring, so I decided to spruce up the gifts with some handmade personalized holiday bookmarks:

Some people may think it's weird or solipsistic that I feel the need to put my own face on everything. Those people are just jealous.

I even hand-wove the tassles myself. That's right, I can finger-weave, bitches. And I'm proud of it. Anyway here is a slightly bigger PDF version of my bookmark that you can download for your own amusement, but you'll have to finger-weave your own tassles.

::: posted by dan at 10:11 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, December 24, 2005 :::

A Christmas Eve Miracle

My roomie K-Mack and I exchanged xmas gifts early this morning, and apparently it was the year of the nearly-useless and wholly-unnecessary kitchen appliance, since she bought me a Quesadilla maker and I bought her an Egg McMuffin maker.

So tonight, as I watched A Christmas Story for the brazillianth time, I decided to test out my gift to her and make myself an Egg McMuffin for xmas eve dinner. Let me tell you what, the results were spectacular. And since I had nothing better to do, I documented my xmas eve miracle:

Seriously, this might be one of the best inventions, evar. It's a fairly sophisticated device, cooking the egg while toasting the muffin to a nice crispy brown. It even has a "meat warmer", but I didn't have any pre-cooked bacon to test out that functionality. We have no kitchen counter space for this device, but whatever... it's here to stay. Next up is a test run of the Quesadilla maker, as soon as I can get to the store to score some tortillas.

::: posted by dan at 9:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments Social Bookmark Button


Damn You, Don Pablo's.

A couple days ago, my department at work went out for some Mexican food at Don Pablo's, the Mexican Food Mega-Chain. I'm not the hugest fan, but I don't like to rock the boat when it comes to my coworkers' lunch choices. I ate my tacos and went about my business for the rest of the day, until I went to Target after work, over four hours later, to finish up some Christmas shopping. While waiting in line at the check-out, the little kid behind me started yanking on his mom's skirt and repeating loudly: "I smell tacos, mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy, I smell tacos, mommy. I smell tacos. I smell tacos, mommy." I sniffed my jacket and the smell was definitely emanating from me. I must have become accustomed to it, I guess. But the kid wouldn't shut up about smelling some damned tacos, and the cashier just stared at me while the little boy's mother, who obviously knew where the stink was coming from, tried to stifle him for my sake. Stupid Don Pablo's. You shouldn't have to take a shower after patronizing an eating establishment.

It was really embarrassing, but it also reminded me of this girl at my health club who always seems to occupy the treadmill next to me. She has angel-wing tattoos on her back shoulder blades, so she wears a low-hanging tank top to accentuate them; and even more distinctively, she always smells like corned beef. Every time I'm at the club, she winds up next to me on the treadmills in her wifebeater, running like mad, and stinking of lunch meat. I always figured that maybe that was just her natural odor, but I guess in light of my taco incident, I may have to rethink my theory. So, in the spirit of understanding, since it is Christmas Eve and all, I'm going to assume that she just eats at the deli every day and the fact that she smells like old cold cuts is actually not her fault at all. The benefit of the doubt will be my Christmas present to her. You're welcome, smelly tattooed jogging lady.

::: posted by dan at 4:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 22, 2005 :::

Maury Christmas

I thought this was funny. Hats off to whomever made it.


Is this in poor taste? Maury is such a crybaby bozo. I can't stand that guy.

::: posted by dan at 1:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


My First Christmas Present

My first Christmas present this year was a Nerf dart gun, which was given to me and all of my coworkers from another coworker. It shoots these foam darts that are tipped with mini-suction cups, but it's rather difficult to get the darts to actually stick to anything. Unless of course you are talking about my big greasy forehead:

I know my big head is an easy target, but when one dart actually stuck to my face, it wasn't necessary to laugh and point and snap camera phone pictures. That type of behavior is not in the spirit of the holiday.

::: posted by dan at 8:32 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Holiday Sweater

A friend of mine was doing a google image search for "Holiday Sweater" when he came across someone familiar. Me:

See For Yourself

That's the FIRST page of results, bitches! Check out that mother/daughter matching sweater combo. I'm in good company.

Anyway, that image is from last year's holiday party.

::: posted by dan at 8:22 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, December 19, 2005 :::

Party Time!

This is the worst picture of me ever, at my company's recent holiday party, as the boss' wife ties a shiny gold ribbon in my hair.

Sadly, I wasn't drunk. Just starved for attention.

::: posted by dan at 9:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments Social Bookmark Button


Punished for Being Shallow

I went to the gym today. While changing into my work-out clothes in the locker room, a fellow exerciser initiated some random chit chat. He asked me how often I've been working out, whether or not I've had any muscle problems, and if I do a lot of cardio. Then he asked me how fast I run on the treadmill and for how long. The real answer is six miles per hour for 25 minutes. Five minutes of which is cool-down. But for some obviously shallow reason, I told him 6.5 miles per hour for 30 minutes. It was just a small fib, I thought. Then I left his company to go start my work-out.

Thirty seconds after I started my run, I looked in the mirror to see that my new locker room friend had taken position on the stair-stepper, right behind me and to the left. So there he was, literally towering just over my shoulder, with a perfectly clear view of my treadmill pedometer, which of course meant I actually had to run at a steady 6.5 miles per hour for the full 30 minutes. It almost killed me. My sweat-drenched shirt was clinging to my chest and stomach and my mouth was permanently agape as I fought for air. All the color drained from my face. My footfalls sounded like galloping clydedales. It was ugly.

It was kinda like he was Daryl Zero and I was Ryan O'Neal and he was just testing me as a way of judging my character. That's a really good movie, by the way. Anyway, lesson learned. Don't be shallow like dan.

Then to add insult to (literal) injury, I passed him while leaving the club and he held out his hand. In retrospect, I now recognize that it was just supposed to be a friendly wave, but I mistook it as an invitation for a high-five. Then midway through raising my hand to slap his, I realized my mistake, and that split-second of hesitation made me unsure of how to compensate, so I ended up doing a weird half-squeeze-handshake/half-high-five thing with this guy I barely know in the lobby of my health club.

I'm really not a high-five type of person anyway, so I should have resisted to begin with. Oh well. Lesson learned. Don't be socially retarded like dan.

::: posted by dan at 9:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments Social Bookmark Button


Butt Face

Someone got to my site by doing a google search for "can you get sick from using the same bar of soap for both your butt and your face?" I have no idea why. I can't actually remember ever posting about soapy butts, but google is a mystery. Anyway, I thought it was funny at first, but then I got curious. What if you can get sick from using the same bar of soap for both your butt and your face? If someone else is concerned about it, then should I be? K-Mack and I often share a bar of soap, should I be worried about her butt getting on my face? So I duplicated the search on google, but got no concrete answer. All I got was an ad for this two-sided bar of soap that is conveniently labeled so that you don't even have to worry about it:

Makes great stocking stuffers. I really don't appreciate the brown color of the "butt" side, though.

::: posted by dan at 4:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, December 14, 2005 :::

Screw You, Face Recognizer!

I found out about some online face recognition software that can compare your face with thousands of celebrities and well-to-dos. Of course I wanted to know what dashing young movie stars I resembled, so I uploaded my picture. Well, screw you!

Who the hell is Melvin Calvin? Then I thought that this would be a good test to see how accurate my Prince costume was from last Halloween. So I uploaded that picture, and it confirmed my fears: I looked more like Captain Jack than The Artist Formerly.


::: posted by dan at 12:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (47) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, December 13, 2005 :::

A Fresh Start

After all the posts about panty-sniffing and vestigial tails and sexed-up trekkies, I'm feeling like I need to cleanse the blog palate again, so here is Jedi Jesus, which I figure will do double duty because it will also pacify the creationists I offended earlier in the week:

Too much? Okay, maybe you prefer a baby hippo?

Still no? How about this. It doesn't get any more innocuous than this:

I suppose I could just post pictures of whale penises. Again.

Jeesh, I don't know what you guys want.

::: posted by dan at 11:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button



I'm confused about these photoshopped pictures. They were either done by anti-Republicans who want to make the Bush Administration seem like perverts and panty-sniffers, or they were done by fetishists, who have a thing for both Republicans and panties. Or perhaps they are bi-partisan. Either way, I think they are funny, but I found them on a site that did not explain their existence, which is maddening.

Not that it comes up in conversation a lot, but I am not allowed to use the word "panties" in front of K-Mack and J-Balls. They are repulsed by it. They also don't like the word "moist," and if you mix the two words together they practically have seizures. I myself don't have any word phobias, but I do get oddly uncomfortable when someone orders a Pot Pie at a restaurant. I seriously hate those things at a primordial level.

p.s. Of course blogger doesn't recognize the word "fetishist." Blogger is such a prude. Either that or it has word phobias, too.

::: posted by dan at 11:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


2005: A Year In Review

I tried to think back and reflect on the year in broad strokes. But this is all I can come up with that is worth remembering, in chronological order:

February - Got Mono
March - Turned 30, had a Fondu
April - Saw The Decemberists in Concert, Scored a Tambourine
May - Got My House Stuccoed, Spiraled into Debt
June - Got Named One of the Country's Top 50 Bachelors by People Magazine. (Oh wait, that wasn't me.)
June thru September - Clearly Did Nothing Memorable All Summer
October - Attended a 70's Party, Wore Broad Leather Lapels in Public
October - Visited Hawaii, Attended J-Ball's Wedding, Got a Monster Ear Ache
October - Was Prince for Halloween, Took Too Many Pictures of It
November - Got Invited to Ireland in Ought Six
December - Nothing Yet, But I'll Let You Know if Anything Worthwhile Transpires

Man, broad strokes are almost depressing. Not that I was hoping for much more, because honestly it was a pretty good year, and the fun parts are in the details. Plus, my site stats for Ought Five are much more optimistic:

I can't account for the latest spike in popularity, but I like the trend. I'm seeing big things in '06.

::: posted by dan at 9:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


Happy Holidays

The Bushes might be too afraid to wish you a Merry Christmas this year, but Spock and Kirk are beholden to no man:

I think it's funny there is a huge subculture that likes to imagine that Spock and Kirk were more than just Best Shipmates Forever, and that this subculture is very into making Fan Art depicting their obsessions. This one in particular is a personal favorite. I'm sure the accompanying story is fascinating. It's a pretty tame picture, but I have no idea whether or not that type of thing could ever be considered suitable for viewing at work. Probably more suitable than a naked baby with a vestigial tail, though.

If you actually want to see more of that, a google search for "Star Trek Fan Art" is your friend.

::: posted by dan at 8:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, December 11, 2005 :::

Creationists be Damned

My friend Stacy was complaining about her ailing tail bone the other day. She believes it is bumpier than the average tail bone and therefore causes her discomfort when she sits. I joked that perhaps it was the start of a vestigial tail, just because I knew it would make her uneasy. Then the very next day I came across this picture:

[You can read about this baby if you want, he's supposedly reincarnated from a Hindu god]

This piqued my curiosity, so then of course I unfortunately googled "vestigial tail" and saw many things that I didn't want to see. [Both of those links could probably be considered NSFW, especially that last one, ugh.]

Then I got to thinking about how Creationists must hate vestigial tails, because they seem to be pretty clear indicators of human evolution. But those sly creationists are quite capable of reinforcing their own delusions, and it turns out they've already tried to debunk that theory of mine, however unconvincingly.

But then I came across this collection of Things Creationists Hate, which I found very informative and illuminating.

Anyway, all of this reminds me of why I love The Family Guy:

Um, no offense to any creationist planetdan readers. Ahem.

::: posted by dan at 10:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments Social Bookmark Button



I think this comic is funny.

It kinda reminds me of this.

::: posted by dan at 10:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, December 10, 2005 :::

More Remixed Trailers

Like I said, I've been out of commission for a week, which in internet time is closer to a year, which means I'm so far behind that everything I post will most likely be old hat. So I'm sure everyone on the planet has seen this but me, but it looks like that remixed The Shining trailer that I posted about a couple months ago has created a trend, like in this remixed Big trailer for example:

Big: Have You Ever Had a Big Secret?

[rightclick to download]

And less effectively but more appropriate to the season, in this remixed A Christmas Story trailer:

A Christmas Gory

That Big trailer really creeps me out. Especially the end, because if they are implying what I think they are implying with that last shot of the stuff sprayed all over that kid's face, then they are REALLY dirty. I will never look at Tom Hanks in the same way again.

::: posted by dan at 7:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Blogging Absence

I swear I don't drink that much. But don't think I haven't noticed that most of the personal pictures and stories that I've posted over the last couple years have involved me holding a drink, me drinking a drink, or me doing something really stupid/embarrassing after holding and drinking a drink. It just so happens that I, along with the majority of the over-and-underage planet, do the stupidest and/or most noteworthy things when I'm feeling uninhibited and inebriated, and therefore those are the stories that get told most often. But in order to avoid having the reputation of being an alcoholic or being the type of person who can only have fun while drinking, I was going to make a conscious effort to avoid alcohol-related stories for a short while.

Having said that, the reason I haven't posted in a week is because I was too sick with a cold during the first half, and too hungover during the second. For real. Three day hangover. I'm never drinking again. Or at least until my work holiday party next Wednesday.

I normally don't drink during the week. But on Wednesday I somehow found myself on the receiving end of a pyramid scheme pitch, something akin to Amway but proffering "the unparalleled profitability of e-Commerce!", and so I may have had one-too-many in order to preoccupy myself so as not to be forced into slitting my own wrists. When I told the presenter that I was uninterested in participating because it all seemed just "too pyramid schemey" for me, I didn't get a good response. What's interesting is that the very next night, my friend B* had a similar experience when he was invited to what he described as a "cultish" self-empowerment seminar, something akin to Scientology but proferring absolutely nothing concrete in return for your $500 enrollment fee. And he also did not get a very good response when he asked his fellow seminar attendees when they would be serving the Kool-Aid. But don't worry, B*, it's hard to really sell a good Jonestown joke. It was probably just your delivery.

But back to me, I suffered through Thursday feeling a bit hungover only to attend a work function on Thursday night, telling myself that a little hair-of-the-dog wouldn't hurt me. But I had much more than the hair of the dog, I had the whole goddamned hide. So yesterday and today have been less than enjoyable for me.

But I did finish all of my Christmas shopping.

::: posted by dan at 7:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, December 04, 2005 :::

Lucky Charms

Cherry Nut invited me to her work's annual holiday function last Friday. I've attended the same party for the last four years now, either as her date or K-Mack's. Free drinks + free food + good people = yes please.

Cherry Nut won an award for outstanding service and dedication to her company which came with an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Ireland. She hastily invited me on the trip with her, but the amount of wine that had been drunk pre-invitation made me skeptical that it was sincere or that it would be remembered, so I made her repeat the invitation when her elusive sobriety returned. K-Mack's fella also won a trip, so it looks like we'll all be visiting the rolling green hills of Ireland come January. It's true that I wanted to vomit from excitement, but for the record it was not me who threw up in the mens' room urinal.

To celebrate, I loaded up on more wine and mashed potatoes at the buffet "interactive serving station", and then I hit the dance floor. Heck, it wasn't my company party.

What is that white glare on my face in all those dance floor pictures? You might guess that it's a reflection on the camera lens, or that some of my mega-pixels are wonky. But nope. It's just the camera flash reflecting in the glistening, dance-induced sweat that was literally pouring from my brow. In retrospect, I may have celebrated a wee bit too hard on the dance floor. Save it for Dublin, dan.

Of course, they probably don't play Love Shack there. And thank god that Cherry Nut can't work a camera when she's over-imbibed, because she almost caught my cringe-worthy dance performance on video. But that's a beautiful singing voice you got there, Cherry Nut.

At the after-party bar, my friend T-Bone showed up, traded his shirt for some lady's fluffy scarf, and stumbled back out into the cold Minneapolis night. I'm not sure who got the raw end of that deal, but I don't care, because I'm going to Ireland. Thanks Cherry Nut! Although, it's kinda not fun to tell people you have been invited on a free trip to Ireland, because it makes everybody hate you.

Here's lotsa pics of the night, if you care. You can thank me for deleting the picture I took of the vomit-filled urinal.

::: posted by dan at 10:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (33) comments Social Bookmark Button


The Cost of Being Dashing

My suit cost me $540. I don't live a fancy-suit kind of lifestyle. In the three years that I've owned it – and including the two recent formal events I've attended – I've worn it approximately ten times. That brings the cost-per-use ratio down to $54. Still far from a bargain in my opinion. I figure I'll have to wear this suit at least twenty more times to make it reasonable. And be buried in it.

::: posted by dan at 9:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 01, 2005 :::

Bipolar Illusion

Look at this creepy image, then get up, walk across the room, and look at it again. The mad guy is now happy, and the happy guy is now mad.

And just in case you are lazy or shameful and you can't muster the strength to walk across your room or office to view this illusion from afar, you can see that it works just by looking at this thumbnail, but it's not nearly as cool:

I'm all about cheap parlor tricks. I can't remember where I found this, though. I'm really good at the right-click and saving, just not so good with the remembering of things.

::: posted by dan at 10:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


The beginning of the end.

It's happening. They're taking over.

"They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh."

::: posted by dan at 10:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button


Smells Like Crazy

K-Mack is K-razy.

-----Original Message-----
From: "K-Mack" [mailto:]
To: []
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2005 15:22:48 -0600

Do you ever smell something that reminds you of something really super obscure? I don't know what it was, but I just got a whiff of something that totally reminded me of the time we went to see The Crying Game, well, not really about how we went, just the Crying Game itself. So strange.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan []
Sent: Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:34 PM
To: K-Mack
Subject: RE:

I don't even want to know what The Crying Game smells like.

-----Original Message-----
From: "K-Mack" [mailto:]
To: []
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 2005 16:08:48 -0600

It's a little fruity, and kinda spicy.

::: posted by dan at 8:15 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


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