planetdan

Monday, June 20, 2005 :::

The Hall of Humorless Bitches

A healthy sense of humor can be a rare thing in some circles.

Tom Cruise
Sure, it wasn't the most clever prank ever perpetrated, but it's certainly not the first time he's ever been humiliated in public. And perhaps having the entire production crew arrested for assault was going a wee bit overboard. So your face got wet. Big deal. Wear waterproof mascara next time.

Sean Penn
A full two hours after Chris Rock makes a lame joke about Jude Law's ubiquitousness (that the entire audience instantly forgot), he felt it necessary to defend Jude on-stage in an embarrassing display of stone-faced righteousness, effectively draining every last drop of humor from an already lackluster Oscar ceremony. This comes only months after he drafted up a complaint letter to the makers of the puppet satire "Team America" about what he felt was an unfair portrayal of him and his issues. Dude, it was a movie with puppets.

Clint Eastwood
You can practically hear the sound of twigs snapping on the extremely rare occasions when Clint tries to crack a smile. After making the cruelest movie in cinematic history and winning an award for it, he used his speech time to berate another humorless bitch, Michael Moore, by stating that if Michael Moore ever showed up at his doorway, he would kill him.

Michael Moore
I honestly like Michael Moore's movies and I typically agree with his point of view on many things, but for someone who is so good at dishing it out, he certainly ain't so good at taking it. And then watching him actually accuse featherweight entertainment "news"caster Kendis Gibson of trying to censor him during a puff piece interview was cringeworthy.

Denzel Washington
During the course of a single interview, he managed to a) speak for jesus, b) imply Katie Couric was a racist, c) insult Meryl Streep, and d) call himself an "ex-slave". He also told Barbara Walters, in a pre-Oscar interview, that if he lost the Best Actor award (for Malcom X) it could only be due to racism within the academy. Along with a sense of humor, modesty ain't one of his strongest traits.

Motorcycle Owners
Just kidding. I ain't opening that can of worms again.

::: posted by dan at 10:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

13 previous comments:

I could not believe the whole Tom Cruise water squirt in the face joke. No, that's not right. I could believe the joke. It was oh so funny in a childish prank kind of way. Who the hell does Tom Cruise think he is? It was water, it was funny, it's not assult. You're just an actor, get over yourself.

How about a rant about actors? Why is it that actors get paid silly money for acting, then the fame seems to automatically elevate them to some higher plane of people. They're no longer mere people, they're actors.

I mean, comeon, they're actors, they spend their days pretending to be someone else. Where I come from those kinds of people are called liars or fakes and they don't earn heaps of money or have many friends.

It is a sad sad world when the people who actually make a difference (doctors, nurses, teachers, aid workers, mothers, fathers) get virtually no recognition and actors get big bucks, perks and special treatment from everyone.

Dan, if you or I got squirted, think the perp would be arrested?

I was walking through town one day and some girl was having a screaming match with some guy. She walked off, he said something she didn't like. She turned and threw a big mac at him. Unfortunately she was a girl, and we all know girls can't throw. Naturally the flying hamburger hit me, right in the nuts.

Did she get arrested? No. Did she pay my drycleaning bill? No. Did I get to swear at her? Yes. Did it make me feel better? No.

Surely assult with a flying hamburger is worse than getting squirted with water. Water doesn't even hurt. A hamburger to the nuts is not pleasant.

Get over yourself Tom. Get over yourselves actors. You're just people pretending to be something you're not.

By

angryjack, at 2:54 PM

Sounds like you got a free burger out of the deal, sounds good to me!

Yeah, I hate Tom Cruise.

By

Kristina, at 2:59 PM

Today I think people with lisps and st-t-utters are humourless. But seriously, I am reserving all of my anger right now for one man, Tom Cruise. No sense of humor, scientologist, arrogant, and a bad actor? You had me at scientologist. I also don't like him cause he is short and no man should be less than 5'5".

B*

By

brent, at 3:18 PM

Angryjack comes from a place without actors? A place where liars and fakes don't earn heaps of money?

Where is this place?

By

Erik, at 5:32 PM

But Dan, Katie is SO racist. If I she showed up to the next Friday concert series in a white hooded one-piece, I wouldn't blink an eye. I would, squirt water on her though from a fake mic.

By

Bewareoftheblog, at 9:33 PM

No kidding Denzel is a humorless bitch....I saw that interview and I had to look away several times because I was so uncomfortable.Well,that and he totally reminds me of a werthers original...
I think Michael moore is a whiny cry baby too.

By

Stacy, at 6:46 AM

Speaking of uncomfortable celebrity moments involving Denzel Washington. When Julia Roberts presented the Oscar and he won I was so embarassed at her over-emotional state. She's not some sort of great humanitarian because Denzel Washington won an Oscar and she presented it to him. Very awkward.

And I'm mad at Tom Cruise for ruining my image of Katie Holmes. I was such a Dawson's Creek fan...

By

Biglug, at 8:21 AM

You do realize Eastwood was joking, right? Everyone laughed, good times all around, etc.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/270757p-231851c.html

Or maybe you were just being ironic. By including the Clint Eastwood thing, you were actually being self-deprecating, insinuating that *you* are one of those people that can't take a joke. Which, now that I think about it, would be really funny.

By

Anonymous, at 4:25 PM

I think you are giving Dan way too much credit. He didn't have the full story before including it in his list. Like a lot of things, Dan doesn't give us the full story I think. It's funny none the less. Ignorance is bliss.

By

Anonymous, at 4:36 PM

I did get a free burger, but I never thought about that before. I wish it wasn't half eaten and on the footpath though.

As far as my rant about actors goes, I'm just not sure why actors are so highly prized, praised and generally made out to be better than you, me, my cousin, your cousin and your sisters bests friends aunty Maude.

They entertain, they don't cure cancer. They're not trying to end world hunger (Unless they're making a shameless doco about it to plug the amount of humanitarian work they do) and they certainly are not looking for a replacement for Oil.

They're just actors, yet and actor/bodybuilder can become govenor of California? What gives?

You Americans are crazy.

And America happens to be the place with the highest concentration of dillhole actors, Tom Cruise being on top of the list.

By

angryjack, at 6:46 PM

The Clint Eastwood example was more about how he has no sense of humor. Sure, it got a laugh, but it wasn't funny. His "make my day" routine ain't cuttin it and hasn't been cuttin it since the 70s. But I've commented on that before.

By

dan, at 8:41 PM

Of course Tom Cruise has lost his mind. I really wish everyone who has used and/or benefitted from any type of psychiatric drug would boycott his movies.

Sean Penn is guilty of taking himself (and the entire acting profession) WAY too seriously. Let's not forget that this is the guy who played Spicoli.

By

Gina, at 3:12 PM

Denzel Washington - mmm read the transcript couldn't read where he accused her of being a rascist ( but who knows she probably is!). As for jesus streep mentioned it first with regard to Bush. As for not winning an Oscar for Malcolm X, please let me know in which parallel dimension you live if you actually thought that the vanilla members of the academy would give Denzel Washington an Oscar for it, however they did give him an oscar for training day where he plays a corrupt cop, mmmm, the Academy not rascist, perhaps I have my eyes open.

By

Anonymous, at 5:04 AM

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