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Wednesday, January 28, 2009 :::



And speaking of footprints, wouldn't it be cool if Jesus' prints looked more like this?

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


More cardio and more total body workouts. Sigh. It's getting boring. And yesterday was the first day that I very nearly skipped the workout altogether because I just didn't feel like doing it, and that made me realize that the only thing keeping me doing this for ten minutes every day is the fact that this website is making me accountable for it. If I didn't feel the need to provide regular updates on planetdan, I would have given up already. So in the long run, I would not be able to credit Tony Horton with any weight loss, I would only be able to credit planetdan, which is myself. Thank you, me.

Weight: 167

I'm back to square one, weight wise, but I'm hoping that's because my body is replacing lost fat with newly formed muscle.

Shut up, I can believe anything I want.

::: posted by dan at 8:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, January 26, 2009 :::

Sorry, but it's just another embarrassing workout story.

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer comes with a handy nylon belt that you are supposed to attach to the stretchy resistance bands, that you are then supposed to attach to a strap which is itself attached to a door hinge. That way, when you wear the belt and do the cardio routine, it's like horizontal bungee jumping, and apparently good for the muscles. It's a fun way to amp up your workout. Unless you are like me and you accidentally get trapped in the belt, effectively hogtying yourself to the laundry room door.

To make a long story short, the nylon belt comes with an obnoxiously-constructed metal buckle thingee with an added velcro flap that requires undue effort to fasten. It's also oversized and not adjustable, so I can easily slip out of it just by sliding it down over my hips, which is much easier than messing around with that godforesaken buckle. But for some reason on this particular day I decided to take it off by raising it upwards and over my shoulders, not unlike a freakshow performer putting his entire upper body through the hole of an unstrung tennis racket.

I slipped my arms under the belt and started to raise it up, but at the point where the strap reached my shoulders it suddenly stopped moving, pinning my arms against my sides without enough room to maneuver my hands to the buckle.

The rigid nylon belt wouldn't budge and it was starting to irritate my delicate upper arms. That's when the claustrophobic panic set in. I started to sweat and hop up and down frantically, imagining myself alone all night, chained to the laundry room door by bungee chord, screaming desperately in hopes that a neighbor might hear me. I wondered how far the bungee could stretch. Up the stairs and to the backdoor where my screams of panic might be better heard? What if I didn't have the muscles to withstand that amount of tension and it sent me flying backwards down the stairs and against the door, landing in an unconscious heap on the floor? At least I was wearing pants for when they would eventually discover me.

But suddenly the belt slipped, probably lubricated from flop-sweat, and with a few panicked body jerks I was free.

I can't be the only one who has this many problems working out. It's like god is telling me to just stay fat. He's sent me more than enough warning signs at this point. And who am I to argue with god?

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


I forgot to work out on day six, and I got stuck in the belt on day seven, but on day eight I made up for any missing workouts by doing extra routines, and thankfully they are beginning to be less painful. Although I still dread doing them with a white hot intensity that follows me around like a thundercloud all day long. And the repetition of the videos is really starting to grate my nerves.

Weight: 166

::: posted by dan at 12:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, January 23, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Inauguration Edition)!

In honor of certain historic events that took place this week, I made this animated GIF cuz I think I'm funny:

::: posted by dan at 9:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, January 22, 2009 :::

My Poop is Green

I noticed this marquee at the Uptown Theater the other evening:

After I got home I did a little research and found out that "my poop is green" is a line from the movie Synecdoche New York, which I have yet to see (so don't spoil it for me - I love Charlie Kaufman movies). It's just that I think they could have chosen a better tagline to place below the movie title to promote it. Perhaps something without the word "poop" in it. Perhaps something that doesn't make it sound like it's double-billing with a scat fetish film.

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


It was Total Body workout day, which meant a return to the resistance bands, which meant strength and toning exercises, which meant undue physical exertion, which meant an unhappy danny. When is it going to be Yoga day again ferchrissakes?

Weight: 165.2

::: posted by dan at 6:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, January 21, 2009 :::

Quick Update

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


Today was another Cardio day, only this time I used the resistance belt thingee, which was almost kinda fun. Like horizontal bungee jumping. But the whole experience still sucked.

I ache a little less today, which I suppose is a positive thing.
I'm already getting really annoyed listening to Tony's comments during warmup and cooldown and it's only day four. "Is that how you drink your beer? From a cup?"
Don't ask.

Weight: 165.4

::: posted by dan at 9:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, January 20, 2009 :::

Baberaham Lincoln

In honor of inauguration day, I submit to you this classic from the now defunct Weekly World News:

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


Today was Yoga day and it actually wasn't all that bad. It was just some pretty remedial stretching exercises and a few downward facing dogs. I don't even think I broke a sweat. So not much to report here, except that I have a feeling I'm really gonna look forward to Yoga days, since I tend to like things that feel less like torture than things that do.

I'm a tad inflexible though, so doing these stretches probably made me look like Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainwreck.

Weight: 164.8

::: posted by dan at 7:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, January 19, 2009 :::

The Perils of Winter

For some reason I've chosen a dentist in downtown Minneapolis in spite of the fact that it takes twenty minutes and ten bucks to park there. I think I just like being downtown with all the other working class suits for an hour every six months.

To get to the actual dentist's office, I have to park in an hourly ramp, take an elevator to the street level, cross at a light, enter another building, and then navigate the skyway system until I finally locate the right escalator.

It's winter, obviously, but crossing the street at the light is the only portion of the twenty minute journey that requires a coat, so I didn't even bother to zip it up. Which is what all the cool Minnesotan kids do anyway.

As I waited to cross at the light, I noticed a man across the street staring at me and smiling. It was a wild-eyed, excited grin, too. His enthusiasm was such that I thought he must know me, but I didn't recognize him in the slightest.

As the light turned green and he approached I could tell he was preparing to say something, so I debated about whether or not I should maintain eye contact or just pretend to be distracted by something else in order to avoid the awkwardness. At the midpoint of our crossing he never even slowed down, but he maintained direct eye contact and said "You might wanna zip up there, slick."

At first I thought it was weird that he was so excited with just the anticipation of telling me to bundle up. It wasn't even that cold out at the time. Then I got a little angry that he felt the need to mother me like that. Just because you are a wuss and a slave to Mother Nature doesn't mean I have to be. I'll wear my coat how I want to wear my coat, dammit. Winter, and you sir, can both suck it.

When I finally got to the dentist, the dental assistant put a paper bib around my neck and cleaned my teeth and raped my gums with floss. She left me in a reclining position as she fetched the actual dentist for a proper checkup.

While waiting horizontally, I happened to glance down to notice my pant zipper was down. And it wasn't just kinda down, it was all the way, spread wide, open-gapped, you-could-identify-my-brand-of-underwear down. As in, easily-noticeable-from-across-an-entire-downtown-street down.

So a note to all you good Samaritans out there: the next time you tell somebody that they might want to "zip it up", be more specific.

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


Do you know how easy it is to mishandle resistance bands and to smack yourself in the face, in the back of the head, in the ass, and everywhere else on your tender body? They are floppy, stupid, awkward, cruel devices and anyone who would recommend their use (*cough* Tony) is laughing on the inside while imagining the millions of bruises he is inflicting by proxy. By the end of the workout you'll look like you could check into a battered women's shelter, but look at those quads!

Today was the total body workout, and seeing as how my entire body already felt like it was suffering from influenza after yesterday's workout, today's experience was no less unpleasant.

Weight: 165.8

::: posted by dan at 5:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, January 18, 2009 :::

A Man of Action

I figured since I made my purchase of Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer public last week, I might as well provide regular updates of my progress. Mostly because it might actually make me accountable for keeping up with the program. Because even a scant ten minutes of exercise is still something worth dreading on a daily basis. But the expansion of my gut requires drastic action. And yes, I consider ten minutes of daily exercise agonizing enough to be called "drastic".

Just to let you in on a few secrets about Tony's latest he-gets-rich-while-you-get-fit scheme, each workout is indeed ten minutes long. But there is a two minute warm up and a two minute cool down, bringing the hellish daily routine to 14 curse-filled minutes (which is something they don't tell you in the infomercial). They also recommend doing THREE ten-minute routines daily for maximum results (well, duh), but to make this a true study in the effectiveness of ten minute workouts in general, I'm going to limit myself to doing only one, regardless of how inspired I might feel on any given day to keep on sweatin', which let's face it, was a long shot to actually happen anyway.

So as not to bother the uninterested, I'll keep my updates short and breezy, with the following easily identifiable format:

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update


In accordance with the instructions, I recorded my measurements, took my "before" photos (which will forever be vaulted for personal use only), and installed my cardio belt. After only three minutes of today's scheduled Cardio routine, any doubt I had about the effectiveness of a ten minute work out were quickly vanquished when I found myself panting like a dog and cursing that titular bastard. Granted, I haven't barely broken a sweat doing anything for well over a month or two, so my muscles were probably nearly atrophied, but he really is a sadistic bastard nonetheless.

The good news is that he's not anywhere near as annoying as Billy Blanks (with the pointless headset mic and the boundless energy), or as perky as Denise Austin (with her floppy hair and doe-eyed stare), or as lifeless as those Firm girls (yes, I clearly know my workout video icons). But that doesn't mean I actually like the bastard. "Bastard, bastard, bastard," throb my aching thighs.

Why does exercise always have to be so unpleasant? And spare me any motivational BS or hang-in-there platitudes. It sucks and it will always suck, and you know it.

Geesh, all this anger after only ten minutes of physical exertion. I can't wait for the next infinity number of days of this crap.

Weight: 167

(I feel like Bridget Jones all the sudden. That's another reason why Tony is a bastard: he's made me feel like Bridget Jones.)

::: posted by dan at 4:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, January 16, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Bad Driver Edition)!

I hope I'm never this stupid with my car. Although I don't think the odds are in my favor. Not with my clumsy track record.

Caution: Hole in Floor

Caution: Do Not Attempt

Caution: Low Clearance

Don't worry, I did a little research before posting and surprisingly nobody died in that last one.

::: posted by dan at 12:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, January 13, 2009 :::

I'm a sucker.

I wouldn't call myself fat (unlike my WiiFit), but I have a burgeoning spare tire around my waste that could use a little special attention in 2009. If you combine my poor self-image with the idealistic sheen of a brand new year then you've got the perfect recipe for "gullible jackass."

While watching TV early one Sunday morning - a scant three days after the dawn of the new year - I caught an infomercial for Tony Horton's 10-Minute-Trainer workout program for the umpteenth time. I sat up in bed to pay full attention as they presented their claim that you can have the body you've always wanted in only ten minutes a day. "Well I've got ten minutes..." I thought to myself. Then they threw in a free set of resistance bands. "Well those look helpful..." I said. Then they showed a few "un-retouched" before and after photos of previous participants. "Well that looks effective!" I shrieked. Then they knocked ONE FULL PAYMENT off the total purchase price of the entire package and my fingers couldn't dial the phone fast enough. The free upgrade to "Express Shipping" was just gravy.

Only nine days later, I finally received my expressly-shipped 10-Minute-Trainer package in the mail. After the dog-and-pony-show I saw on the television, I was expecting an over-sized crate, jam-packed with DVDs and workout accoutrement. Take a look at what $80 really gets you:

Yeah, that's about $3.00 in raw materials, but I suppose what you're really paying for is the expertise that only a real professional like Tony can provide.

Did I tell you that I've met the man?

I'm positive that this is the plan I've been waiting for. All those other workout DVDs I've purchased, the unused gym membership, the WiiFit, the balance ball, the hand weights, the torturous jogging, the Tai-Bo, the Lean Cuisines... they all were useless. My new life begins today and nothing can stop me now. Next stop: six-pack abs. Mark my words.

::: posted by dan at 12:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, January 12, 2009 :::

Great Minds Think Alike

Tonight C-Minus and I discovered the "PictoChat" function on our Nintendo DS systems (yes, we are late adopters), and so we immediately began sending dirty scribbles back and forth to each other. After about a thousand sketches of ding-dongs and hoo-haws we both simultaneously, yet unknowingly, sent each other remarkably similar images:

It's almost spooky!

Yes, it's juvenile, but so is owning a Nintendo DS at age 33.

::: posted by dan at 11:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, January 09, 2009 :::

Animated Friday (Backflips are Hard Edition)!

It's the first Animated Friday of the new year, so I thought I would bring it back to the basic equation of stupidity + pain = funny.

Today's topic is: The Elusive Backflip

Nice trophy, but next time try jumping off the top rope.

I'm not sure which fail is worse, the flip or the fanny pack.

I can't actually decide whether this one is win or fail.

::: posted by dan at 12:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, January 05, 2009 :::

Calling Molly

At a recent gathering of ten friends about a month or so ago, good ol' C-Minus (formerly K-Mack) stood up and abruptly left our game of Scrabble® claiming that she had to go "call Molly".

Now granted, her mother's name is Molly, and she often does call her, but the abruptness of her departure led us all to believe that she was using this so-called phone call to her mother as an excuse to run off to the bathroom without the embarrassment of drawing attention to her predicament, and the length of her absence while making this "call" led us to believe that she was going #2.

When she returned from "making her call" we questioned her about her true motives, and she claimed that she indeed just needed to call her mother. But by this time the damage was done: "Calling Molly" was now an accepted and approved euphemism for going poo.

It came to be in the following weeks that people would use the phrase not even in jest. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go give Molly a call," one might sincerely say as they excused themselves from the room. "Oh, the other day someone in the men's room was totally calling Molly and they were being terribly indiscreet about it," is another statement you wouldn't be surprised to hear.

Then it got clinical. The other day another friend was telling me about a medical issue they were having, and I was nonplussed to hear him utter the sentence, "Basically, the doctor said that if I could just call Molly in those situations, I might experience some relief."

Eventually C-Minus had to come clean with her mother about how her name was unfortunately being used to describe such unpleasantness. But luckily her mother was understanding, and has since used the phrase herself, since it truly does sound much more polite and pleasant than any alternative.

But I don't think I would be so understanding. You have to keep control of your own brand image, you know. Therefore, I'm going to create a meaningful euphemism involving my own name before anyone else does. From this day forward, to "have a chat with dan" will be a synonym for having a glorious, orgasmic experience. e.g. "Last summer I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and upon reaching the peak at daybreak it was like having a chat with dan."

Brand image = controlled.

Please start using it in your every day conversation at will. I don't think this is too much to ask. I want and expect this to be a part of the American lexicon by my birthday in March.


::: posted by dan at 5:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, January 04, 2009 :::

Mmmmmmm, syrup.

I wish the people who designed these kinds of things would come forward and admit their intentions. Ain't no way that was by accident.

::: posted by dan at 12:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


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