Monday, January 26, 2009 :::
Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer comes with a handy nylon belt that you are supposed to attach to the stretchy resistance bands, that you are then supposed to attach to a strap which is itself attached to a door hinge. That way, when you wear the belt and do the cardio routine, it's like horizontal bungee jumping, and apparently good for the muscles. It's a fun way to amp up your workout. Unless you are like me and you accidentally get trapped in the belt, effectively hogtying yourself to the laundry room door.
To make a long story short, the nylon belt comes with an obnoxiously-constructed metal buckle thingee with an added velcro flap that requires undue effort to fasten. It's also oversized and not adjustable, so I can easily slip out of it just by sliding it down over my hips, which is much easier than messing around with that godforesaken buckle. But for some reason on this particular day I decided to take it off by raising it upwards and over my shoulders, not unlike a freakshow performer putting his entire upper body through the hole of an unstrung tennis racket.
I slipped my arms under the belt and started to raise it up, but at the point where the strap reached my shoulders it suddenly stopped moving, pinning my arms against my sides without enough room to maneuver my hands to the buckle.
The rigid nylon belt wouldn't budge and it was starting to irritate my delicate upper arms. That's when the claustrophobic panic set in. I started to sweat and hop up and down frantically, imagining myself alone all night, chained to the laundry room door by bungee chord, screaming desperately in hopes that a neighbor might hear me. I wondered how far the bungee could stretch. Up the stairs and to the backdoor where my screams of panic might be better heard? What if I didn't have the muscles to withstand that amount of tension and it sent me flying backwards down the stairs and against the door, landing in an unconscious heap on the floor? At least I was wearing pants for when they would eventually discover me.
But suddenly the belt slipped, probably lubricated from flop-sweat, and with a few panicked body jerks I was free.
I can't be the only one who has this many problems working out. It's like god is telling me to just stay fat. He's sent me more than enough warning signs at this point. And who am I to argue with god?
Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update
::: posted by dan at 12:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
7 previous comments:
You are the funniest man alive. Hands down.
By L. Britt, at 6:30 PM
Oh my God I had to crawl and get my inhaler. I went into an asthma attack reading about your misfortune.
By , at 10:32 PM
Dan... I have been reading your blog since falling Bush.. and just want to say thank you, from Mallorca. You always manage to make me smile, but today, at work, you made laugh out loud...
And don't let God get in the way of your 10 minute workout.
By , at 3:08 AM
Dan, I know I've mentioned this to you before, but "God" is always capitalized.
By , at 8:25 AM
Hysterical stuff, Dan! Your brand of self-deprecating humor leaves me in stitches every time & it keeps me coming back for more. Bonus: I haven't seen the term "flop-sweat" in years. Thanks for the chuckle!
By , at 8:54 PM
Dan, Are you aware that with liposuction the fat cells are removed permanently? You can't gain weight back in those areas unless you really, really try. It's about $4,000 per "area".
By , at 10:26 AM
My gawd, man....
You need your own TV show.
By Raechelle, at 2:42 PM
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