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Monday, January 05, 2009 :::

Calling Molly

At a recent gathering of ten friends about a month or so ago, good ol' C-Minus (formerly K-Mack) stood up and abruptly left our game of Scrabble® claiming that she had to go "call Molly".

Now granted, her mother's name is Molly, and she often does call her, but the abruptness of her departure led us all to believe that she was using this so-called phone call to her mother as an excuse to run off to the bathroom without the embarrassment of drawing attention to her predicament, and the length of her absence while making this "call" led us to believe that she was going #2.

When she returned from "making her call" we questioned her about her true motives, and she claimed that she indeed just needed to call her mother. But by this time the damage was done: "Calling Molly" was now an accepted and approved euphemism for going poo.

It came to be in the following weeks that people would use the phrase not even in jest. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go give Molly a call," one might sincerely say as they excused themselves from the room. "Oh, the other day someone in the men's room was totally calling Molly and they were being terribly indiscreet about it," is another statement you wouldn't be surprised to hear.

Then it got clinical. The other day another friend was telling me about a medical issue they were having, and I was nonplussed to hear him utter the sentence, "Basically, the doctor said that if I could just call Molly in those situations, I might experience some relief."

Eventually C-Minus had to come clean with her mother about how her name was unfortunately being used to describe such unpleasantness. But luckily her mother was understanding, and has since used the phrase herself, since it truly does sound much more polite and pleasant than any alternative.

But I don't think I would be so understanding. You have to keep control of your own brand image, you know. Therefore, I'm going to create a meaningful euphemism involving my own name before anyone else does. From this day forward, to "have a chat with dan" will be a synonym for having a glorious, orgasmic experience. e.g. "Last summer I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and upon reaching the peak at daybreak it was like having a chat with dan."

Brand image = controlled.

Please start using it in your every day conversation at will. I don't think this is too much to ask. I want and expect this to be a part of the American lexicon by my birthday in March.


::: posted by dan at 5:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button

Comments are Closed On this Post

11 previous comments:

Some times when I call Molly it feels like having a chat with Dan.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:58 PM  

Now that's what I like to hear.

By Blogger dan, at 10:53 PM  

i'd like to comment but first i have to drop the kids off at the pool...

By Blogger whaat?, at 10:19 AM  

I just finished chatting with Dan at work. Had to do a courtesy flush, it was impressive.

Wait, not sure I'm using it right. Or am I?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:08 AM  

All I got for Christmas was a chat with Dan, what more could anyone ever want?

By Anonymous Noelle, at 11:26 AM  

My boyfriend made me chat with Dan 4 times yesterday.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:14 PM  

is chatting with dan a solo activity?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:40 PM  

Don't hump the Honda

By Anonymous oag, at 9:09 AM  

The other day I blew my $500 gift card and I must say, it was 'chat with Dan' in it's perfection.

By Blogger Patent Absurdist, at 3:46 PM  

Given that "flogging molly" is slang for masturbation, this can only lead to confusion.

Unless you and your friends masturbate by ... never mind.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:46 PM  

I will, for one, hence force be using both... wait, no I won't, cuz you're my brother, so "I gotta call Molly" it is (for pooh), but the other one, I need something different. Thanks.

By Blogger me, at 5:33 PM  

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