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Sunday, December 21, 2008 :::

Brilliant Ideas

At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.

You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.

A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.

For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV NightlightŪ and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.

One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.

This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.

Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.

Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.

Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.

::: posted by dan at 5:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button

Comments are Closed On this Post

9 previous comments:

Your fake TV idea may or may not be brilliant but it has been realized.

By Anonymous Simon, at 11:46 PM  

Come on Dan, you're holding out, what was the 3rd brilliant idea? ps - the word verification is "crack"

By Anonymous josh, at 5:02 AM  

What about some sort of plastic thingie that you can put around the wire hangers when you pick up your drycleaning so that the hanger handles don't dig into your hand when you carry them?

By Anonymous Noelle, at 8:27 AM  

Did you really say "dust-free candles"?

Dan, Dan, Dan...get thee to the nearest OCD therapy clinic after Xmas.

What's next? Machine-washing paper money?

By Anonymous You're Not Alone, There's Help, at 8:45 AM  

Fake TV is probably a better brand name, too. Damn. I guess I'll have to do due diligence with my next brilliant idea.

And I'm sorry but dust-repellent candles are the best idea ever. I don't care how OCD it sounds.

By Blogger dan, at 8:55 AM  

Wow ... you have the most awkward public happenings. But I'm right there with you in the dust free candle idea. Looking at dirty melted wax in an otherwise pretty candle is most annoying.

By Anonymous Heather, at 5:55 PM  

Thai-Style Chicken is worth the pain & embarassment. Carry on, chubby Christian soldier!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:13 AM  

Ummm... "hang their awkwardly" and "hightail it out of their..." really? Their?

By Anonymous Kate, at 11:18 PM  

Oh my god I'm a moron.

I fixed the errors. Ashamedly. :(

By Blogger dan, at 10:55 AM  

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