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Thursday, May 31, 2007 :::

Mood Swings

Animals have emotions and feelings, too. See?





Man, zoo life must be so effin' boring.

::: posted by dan at 11:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, May 25, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

There should be something extra special about an Animated Friday before a three day weekend, but I can't think of anything clever so I'll just shut up and supply the goods:

A Spread Eagle Surprise

Relatedly, I found this on, and in certain rare circumstances I suppose I share the sentiment:

::: posted by dan at 8:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, May 24, 2007 :::

Keep Bustin'

Here's a little poll: It's summer again, and car windows are being rolled down across the country, so what do you think is the worst song to be caught singing loudly in your car?

Kmack thinks that show tunes like How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria would be the worst, assumingly because no one ever wants to admit they like them in the first place. But I think even worse would be a song like Batdance by Prince, because it's hopelessly dated and was never really all that good to begin with.

Of course I speak from experience. Yesterday some woman walking her dog caught me at a stoplight singing along to Prince's nadir performance a little too enthusiastically, right at the point of the song when the music scratches to a halt and Prince dramatically says: "Keep Bustin'." Of course, in this case it was a dan and Prince duet. I could see the lady trying not to laugh, and those awful words just kept echoing through my head: Keep Bustin'.

Even worse, later in the day I found myself driving and singing again, apparently having not learned my lesson. This time it was along with The Long Winters' Ultimatum (right click to download), which has a chorus that starts out: "My arms miss you, my hands miss you...", at which point I looked over to see a man staring at me from the corner and quickly realized that he had no arms. And rather than minimizing the embarrassment for everyone involved by pretending not to notice, I panicked, gasped, and rolled up my window. Because I keep my cool in situations like that. That's twice in one day. Time to keep your trap shut, dan. At stoplights and intersections, at least.

::: posted by dan at 8:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, May 22, 2007 :::


So Kmack is moving away from me. We've been roomies for almost ten years, but she and her fiance have purchased a house three miles south and will be completing the move at the end of June.

I was jealous of their house hunt and asked for constant updates. I loved house-hunting. Looking at other people's stuff was almost too intoxicating. It's really fun and easy to judge someone by their wall-hangings. Even more astounding is what some people think is presentable when preparing their house for a showing, for instance:

• One house we looked at was almost completely empty except for an overflowing litter box. You'd think that would be the one item you'd be sure to remove before a visit by prospective buyers.

• Another house had ashtrays that were brimming with cigarette butts in every single room, which wasn't surprising because the entire house stunk like smoker's lung. There was even an overflowing ashtray on the dresser in the children's bedroom, surrounded by stuffed animals.

• Yet another house had a poorly-drawn pastel portrait of Boy George in the bedroom, which I thought at first was meant to be kitschy, until I saw the matching hand-molded clay statue, complete with top hat and microphone. Apparently someone was a fanatic AND an amateur artist.

Of course, things could have been worse. Take for instance this genuine real estate appraisal description for a house somewhere in Nevada that I don't ever want to visit:

Looks like new appliances and cabinets, though! Um, is the discarded slipper included?

Anyway, Kmack and I have begun the division of assets and packing process, so it won't be long before she's gone which makes me sad. I'm talking really sad. Like Gilmore-Girls-is-Cancelled sad. She will be missed.

Plus, it's her birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KMACK!

::: posted by dan at 7:42 AM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, May 21, 2007 :::

Miranda July

I love Miranda July. A couple weeks back, I ordered her new book from Amazon but it was taking forever to arrive. Then last night I had a very vivid dream that the delay in delivery was due to the fact that she was hand-delivering the books to random people who had purchased it on as a publicity-stunt/performance-art-piece, since she is kind of prone to that sort of thing. In my dream she came to my door and handed me my book and said "Here is my book that you ordered," and she had a camera man with her to film the whole exchange and she asked "Would you like me to sign it for you?" and I said "No, but I'd like him to sign it," and I handed it to the camera man and we laughed and laughed because in dreams sometimes retarded things seem brilliant.

Anyway, I woke up and instead of hoping I would receive my book in the mail that day, I was hoping I wouldn't, because then it might mean that my dream was a premonition and that not only would I get to meet Miranda July in person, but I was prescient to boot.

But I got it in the mail today. So I'm not prescient. And I don't get to meet Miranda July, who's movie You Me and Everyone We Know is one of my favorite films of all time and has already become a sort of Internet legend due to its famous "Poop Back and Forth, Forever" scene, which was brilliant, and not in a retarded dream kind of way:

Anyway, you should buy her book, and not just because of the clever way in which she promoted it, but because I said so.

::: posted by dan at 11:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, May 18, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Today I feel a little naughty and a little nice, so I offer you two animated GIFs to better illustrate the constant battle between good and evil dan:

Lil' fella's got the munchies
(caution: so cute you could vomit!)

Sometimes big fake boobs don't help with the confidence
(caution: actual vomit!)

::: posted by dan at 8:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, May 16, 2007 :::

Baby Killer

I mostly hate working/being out of doors, but homeownership forces me to do yardwork from time to time. The little girl who lives on the corner has a habit of coming over to talk to me every time I am working on my lawn, but she only ever asks one question: "What are you doing?" She's rather young, so usually I humor her with a straightforward answer in the spirit of that Whitney Houston song about children being our future blah blah blah. But our "conversations" usually go like this:

Little Girl: What are you doing?
Dan (holding a rake over a big pile of leaves): Raking leaves.

Or like this:

Little Girl: What are you doing?
Dan (bent over a garden with a trowel and a handful of weeds): Weeding the garden.

Or like this:

Little Girl: What are you doing?
Dan (standing behind a running lawnmower): *incredulous silence*

Last weekend I got up the ambition to clean out my gutters, so I got out my ladder, carefully propped it up, and slowly climbed up the rungs. Wobbling at the top, I started to dig out the usual debris and mulch when I heard the familiar voice from far down below:

"What are you doing?"

I was busy yanking on an oddly wedged mass of twigs and leaves, so I impatiently shouted back, "Cleaning the gutters!" without even giving her a glance. Suddenly my hand flew violently backwards, the mass of sticks and dirt came loose, and from deep within its center fell three little birdie eggs, which subsequently crashed to the bottom of the gutter, creating a big yolky mess of death and destruction. I had inadvertently destroyed a sparrow's nest and killed an entire generation of as-of-yet unhatched tweeties in the process. When the reality of what I had done hit me, I shouted rather dramatically, "OH NOOOOOOOO!", and just stared in disbelief.
"Now what are you doing?" I heard again from below.

I looked down at her innocent little Kool-Aid stained face, unsure of how to answer. And although I could have been truthful and said, "Killing babies," instead I just swallowed the tiny lump in my throat and said, "Nothing." So much for being truthful to the little kiddies. I don't want to be labeled a baby killer after all.

::: posted by dan at 8:10 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, May 15, 2007 :::

Planet Dan

Hubble captured this picture of Planet Dan, for realz:

I wonder how many moons it's got?

Actually, it's a high digital photograph of my eyeball taken at the optometrist today. Kinda looks a little bloodshot, but I swear it's a perfectly good eyeball. Or at least that's what the doctor says. And actually I have two of them. Let's hear it for my rods and cones!

As for moons, if you email me a picture of your naked rear end, I will photoshop it into orbit around my eyeball if you wish. As for rods and cones, if you send me a picture of your... oh never mind.

ps. That little bump at the top of the image is not some creepy eye zit or anything, it's just the registration mark for the photo so that you know which end is up.

::: posted by dan at 12:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, May 13, 2007 :::

Hot Ham and Turkey

I think that I may have angered the Karma gods when I gave K-mack the new nickname of C-Minus a couple weeks ago, because the other day I found out that my nickname at the corner cafe where I buy my lunches on a regular basis is "Hot Ham and Turkey".

In my defense, their hot ham and turkey sandwich is truly remarkable, which is why I order it so often. Grilled on a croissant with a delectable poppy seed spread, the hot ham and turkey sandwich practically melts in your mouth. Sure, I should perhaps try something different every once and again, to broaden my horizons, but when you find something you really like you tend to stick with it.

The other day they had a sandwich special that sounded intriguing, and to be honest I had kind of OD'd on the hot ham and turkey. So when the cafe owner recommended it and I accepted, he excitedly turned around and shouted back to the kitchen, "Hey, I just talked Hot Ham and Turkey into a Southwest Chicken Wrap!"

It took some time to register, so I stood there for a minute and then finally said "Did you just refer to me as Hot Ham and Turkey?"

"Yeah," he said, realizing that he just let it slip in front of me. "Your real name is Dan, right?"

"Yeah," I replied.

"I'm going to give you a free deviled egg," he offered as an unofficial apology.

So as I sat there and ate my deviled egg, I decided it could be worse. At least it has the word "hot" in it. I'd prefer it had no "ham", but what are you going to do.

::: posted by dan at 11:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, May 11, 2007 :::

Animated Fridays

Man, the weeks just fly by, don't they?

A totally not fake legitimate sport.

::: posted by dan at 8:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, May 08, 2007 :::

A Eulogy

This is it. It's the end. I always knew it was coming, and I actually prayed for a premature, yet dignified death, but to receive the announcement about the demise of Gilmore Girls only TWO WEEKS ahead of its fateful finale was a shock to my system nonetheless. All I needed was a little time to prepare myself for its passing, but no, the powers that be decided it would be better just to pull the plug, and the rug, right out from under me.

I guess that's the way these types of things happen. Live each day/episode like it's your last, as they say. I have no idea how they plan on wrapping up seven years of history in two short episodes, but I tell you this: if it ends with a wedding, I'm going to puke. At least Lorelie feels the same.

I propose that the world takes an hour to mourn the passing of our beloved Gilmore Girls on May 15th at 7pm Central Standard Time. Personally, I know that I will be having a memorial party at my house to mark the occasion. And by "party" I mean me, Kmack, two black veils, and a bag of Cheese and Pretzel Combos.

And all the mirrors in the house will be draped in black fabric, of course.

::: posted by dan at 12:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, May 06, 2007 :::

Just when you think you've got it all figured out.

I consider myself to be a pretty sophisticated concert-goer. I've attended many shows and events, so over the years I've prided myself at learning the tricks of the trade. For instance, if the ticket says "Doors open at 6pm", you'll be lucky if the main act starts before 9pm.

There haven't been many good concerts in town lately. All the worthwhile acts are travelling the festival circuit right now apparently. Minneapolis always gets skipped. So Ben Gibbard of The Postal Service and Deathcab for Cutie was coming to town and I thought it might be an interesting show, in spite of my indifference toward the artist himself.

"Doors 6pm" said the ticket. I called the venue, and a bare-bones message said there were two opening acts, neither of which I had ever heard of. I surmised that if doors opened at 6pm, the first opening act would start at 7pm, the second at 8pm, followed by the main act at 9pm. And that was wishful thinking. I'd been to concerts where the doors opened at six and the main act started after midnight, so I wasn't too worried.

Kmack and I took our time, got a nice dinner, walked toward the concert venue while stopping at various bars along the way, and casually sauntered up to the doors of First Avenue around 9:10, fully aware but not worried that we may have missed the first song or two. To our surprise we were greeted by the door(wo)man who just gave us a confused look:

"Um, shows over."

I'm getting too old for this shit. Why can't they print out schedules and stick to them? This is the internet age fer chrissakes.

Who gives a shit about Ben Gibbard anyway.

::: posted by dan at 3:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, May 04, 2007 :::

Animated Fridays

It's time to peek into my prized collection of animated GIFs again:

Junk in the Trunk

::: posted by dan at 10:52 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments Social Bookmark Button


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