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Wednesday, August 23, 2006 :::

Meat Head

It's nice not to be the only one making an ass of myself at the gym, finally. Earlier today, I went to exercise at my regular health club, which is bigger than a breadbox, but not by much. There are maybe twenty weight-lifting machines (I'm ascared of free-weights) in the whole place, so it's hard not to keep seeing the same people. One guy in particular seemed to have the exact same workout routine as I did, only he was one step ahead. He didn't appear to be too aware of my presence at first, so I began to notice that every time he finished a set on a weight machine, he would reach over, take out the metal peg that determines the amount of weight he was lifting per repetition, and he would increase it by a good thirty pounds. Then he would walk away and start on the next machine, repeating the process: lift weights, increase total weight without actually trying to lift that amount, and then move on.

It took me a while to realize that he was doing this for the benefit of anyone who might happen to see him working out and then approach the machine immediately after, as if they would notice the weight setting and be impressed with his strength and vigor. And he did it every time, totally oblivious to the fact that I was watching with keen observation.

Finally, on the vertical bench press machine, he did the same thing, only this time he looked up to see me catching him in the act just as he was increasing the weight at the end of his set. I didn't flinch, and he literally stopped dead in his tracks with a scared, startled look. The awkward pause was lengthy, as he was unable (and I was unwilling) to break the gaze. It was then that he totally pulled a dan and tried to fake his way through it, fully committing himself to the farce: he sat down and pretended that he was simply going to do another set, at the significantly increased weight, as if that was always his intention. So he took a deep breath, prepared himself physically with marked embellishment, and then nearly popped a blood vessel trying to complete even one lift. When it clearly wasn't going to happen, he faked a cough attack (I'm assuming), and got up quickly to use the water fountain, ostensibly. But he wasn't fooling me. He was totally busted.

I quickly tried to work on a facial expression that would convey an I-know-what-you-were-doing-you-vain-meat-head kind of sentiment, but alas, he never made eye contact with me again. Oh well, at least I know I'm not the biggest douchbag in the place anymore. That will probably last about a week.

::: posted by dan at 12:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments Social Bookmark Button

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12 previous comments:

Hee! Awesome.

By Anonymous Candice, at 7:52 AM  

I love your "at the gym" posts.

By Blogger elizabeth, at 7:55 AM  

This is pure gold. Hilarious!

By Anonymous Photo Betty, at 11:35 AM  

Somebody is "thinking" way too much at the gym.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:16 PM  

I think you should write a book on "things that happen to Dan at the gym". I'd buy it.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:02 PM  

The reverse happened to me in high school once. We were all cycling through the machines in gym class, and the guy after me would always make it a point to CLEARLY take the peg and move it two notches higher as if to scream to the world that he was lifting more than I was. I didn't really care, since my main objective was not to break a sweat, because I hated showering and changing in the middle of the day and then going to class in my regular clothes still wet. But I'm pretty sure Miles just wanted to act like he was better than me. Whoop de doo.

By Blogger Dennis!, at 4:55 PM  

I just love catching people in moments of lameness. It's all part of my dark side.

By Blogger Debbye, at 5:00 PM  

that's Gold Jerry - GOLD

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:57 PM  

nuh-uh! fine post, Dan.

dickless will probably not return to the gym in your regular time slot. he shoulda just laughed when he realized the gig was up. We're all lame sometimes. The recovery is the key to character.

By Anonymous toddbee, at 7:19 AM  

I have strayed from the planetdan blog FAR too long. highlarious. for some reason i TOTALLY picture this happening at the gym to which i belong, rarely attend, but almost daily mean to attend. When/if I ever make it there, I will keep an eye out (in a not creepy way).

By Blogger Diana, at 1:05 PM  

Omg...that is awesome. What an ass!

By Blogger Monkey, at 2:47 PM  

dude gave himself a hernia because of vanity ....nice one

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:02 PM  

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