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Wednesday, October 12, 2005 :::

Tanning Schmanning

In spite of the fact that I have sensitive skin that sizzles like bacon after three minutes in any sort of direct sunlight, I've been visiting a tanning salon in preparation for an upcoming tropical vacation. The last time I tried to pre-tan for a vacation, it ended up very, very bad. So this time around, I've been very cautious. So much so, that ten tanning sessions later, I'm only slightly less white than a ghost:

After 10 sessions.

I hate tanning anyway. I always feel like such a vain heal lying there in my undies risking cancer just to look better on a beach. And I hate that tanning bed smell and all the twice-baked high-school girls that work the front counter for $4.75 an hour and apparently all the free tanning they want. And yet, I spent over $50 to look just a little less white.

Even worse, the tanning bed room is equipped with a boom box for my listening pleasure, but I keep setting it to the wrong station. I'll turn on what I think is the cool alternative station and hop in the bed before realizing that it is in fact tuned to the modern jesus music station. No offense to you believers out there, but your music sucks. Trapped with christian music in a light bulb coffin for 10 minutes (ironically celebrating the deadly sin of vanity) is practically torture in my book. And it's happened more than once. At least it wasn't country music. So there is a silver lining.

::: posted by dan at 5:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments Social Bookmark Button

Comments are Closed On this Post

27 previous comments:

You wear your undies?

By Blogger Kristina, at 4:18 PM  

dammit, dan! where were you a month ago? i rented a car out of the minneapolis airport for a four-hour drive and was DYING for a cool alt station. the scan button kept finding that same jesus one, though. "all son of god, all the time." longest. drive. evar. (am not related to k-mack, just another wacky internets coincidence.)

By Blogger k-mac, at 4:48 PM  

Is that a bong in your hand?

By Blogger Michelle, at 8:58 PM  

Um, I don't know how to break this to you...but you are not tan. So much so that I can't even think of a clever joke. It is very amusing that you cannot find a happy tanning medium. Maybe you should get some sort of spray tan?

By Blogger Biglug, at 9:03 PM  

Dan, dan, dan. You need to stop the tanning. Why oh why if you hate the ritual so much, do you choose to endure it? You need Lancome Flash Bronzer. Just don't use too much for a bunch of days in a row and you can be a cancer-free, lesser shade of pale.

By Blogger kelly, at 9:08 PM  

What the heck did you do to your hair?!

I'm j/k. Wanted to take your mind of your "sans"tan look.

By Blogger Colleen, at 9:25 PM  

I am surprise you posted a picture with your stump've always been so embarrassed showing that defect of yours.You should post a picture of your other hand with the extra thumb,people would really think that was something.

By Blogger Stacy, at 10:07 PM  

Dan, Dan, the tan tan man
He does what he wants ta
He does what he can

He's tan and he's Dan and a
sh^TLOada fans
He's Dan
He's Dan
Our tan tan man.

By Blogger slaphappyannie, at 10:39 PM  

Ouch! Your botched tanning from last time didn't teach you a lesson? Those pictures almost brought tears to my eyes...Dan should never be in pain.

By Blogger lynne, at 11:03 PM  

Hey want a wickid alternative station that you can listen to over the net, check out RTRFM 92.1 from Perth, Australia!!! It's the most diverse radio station I've heard, it's a community station and operates pretty much solely from donations, subscriptions and RTR events put on through the year...(you guessed it I'm from Perth, Australia and am an RTR fan)...

By Anonymous Bubba, at 11:42 PM  

Dan, I'm a Christian and even I can't stand listening to Christian radio. Man, they're all trying too hard to be all touchy-feely pep-rally-for-Jesus, they never capture any real emotions. It's too plastic, too fake. I feel for ya man.

By Blogger Joel, at 8:29 AM  

you are literally GLOWING in the old photos.

I hate tanning beds. They are coffins, and scare me!

By Anonymous duane, at 1:55 PM  

I thought the reason to get a base tan before you go on vaca is to prevent getting a horrendous burn your first day on the beach, which will ensure your discomfort for the whole week?

By Blogger Angela, at 1:58 PM  

Tanning is so late 80's, just like that ugly shirt you have on. Gross.

Everyone knows pale is the new tan. Didn't you see Top Model last night? Just flaunt that ghostie whiteness...I love when models get insecure and think they are ugly. Modeling sure is hard work. I won't list any other faults for fear of mine being posted in subsequent posts.

By Blogger brent, at 2:08 PM  


You gonna update your blog or what??

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:31 PM  

No, having your own blog is so last year. Commenting on blogs is what all the cool people are doing, duh. It's not like I have all this free time to be posting and taking pictures and what not. Jeesh.

But, since you so kindly asked, here's an update - I got my awesome shirt on clearance after I took it back for under $50. Then a month later I managed to get my hands on my two favorite watercolors after I flirted with the sales clerk at the local B.R. I heart my watercolor paintings from the Banana...oh and I got noticed on for having good taste last month.

By Blogger brent, at 3:07 PM  

Wow Brent, I just don't understand why you would want to sell this pillow...

It's soooooooo cool!

By Blogger civilwar, at 4:02 PM  

I hope you aren't being sarcastic about Jonathan Adler, 'cause then it's go time. Nobody disses my Johnnie.

By Blogger brent, at 5:52 PM  

you are the cutiest thing I've even seen.... I am totally crushing on you....if I was ten years younger and not married, and didn't have 2 kids, and didn't live a thousand miles from you.... well let's just say you'd be one happy and satisfied man who didn't need to tan!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:03 PM  

You're sexy with or without a tan.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:54 PM  

I wouldn't say I'm being sarcastic, but Jonathan Adler stuff does look like it should be featured on this show.

By Blogger civilwar, at 7:27 AM  

Still sexy, bitches!

By Blogger dan, at 9:30 PM  

I LOVE the tanning bed. You get a twenty minute power nap (you gotta work up to the twenty minutes---you probably know that considering your 2004 incident). Don't you know you need to take your iPod? Otherwise you're at the mercy of a radio with no seek or scan buttons. By the way, I'm a freaky fundamentalist Christian and I absolutely HATE contemporary Christian music, too.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:04 PM  

I'm depressed to know that cool Minneapolis even HAS a bad Christian music station. Cripes, what's going on up there?

(devoted to Coppertone foamy fake tan shit myself)

By Blogger PeaceBang, at 2:17 PM  

I have to say, that looks awful but who the hell wears their underwear and socks into a tanning booth???

By Blogger asia, at 12:58 AM  

People who don't want SUNBURNED GENITALS wear undies in the tanning booth, that's who!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:01 AM  

Dan, make sure that you are using a good indoor tanning lotion while using a tanning bed. Make sure that you do not use any tanning lotions with a heat factor or a tingle. Good Luck.

By Blogger Tanning Lotion, at 1:12 AM  

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