Friday, June 26, 2009 :::
Sometimes if you're gonna fail, you better fail BIG.
Super Ice Cream Fail
Super Hammock Fail
Super "Oh-My-God-I'm-So-Fired" Fork Lift Fail
And a very special personal fail moment: I was trying to mock all the Michael Jackson hoopla today, so I told C-Minus that the downtown Basilica cathedral was going to have a very special memorial mass for the musician, with cathedral choir renditions of his biggest hits, and that they were going to ask people to moonwalk down for communion. She believed me. Epic fail.
::: posted by dan at 11:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Thursday, June 25, 2009 :::
Hi, from danny.
::: posted by dan at 7:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 :::
While sitting on our luxurious ocean-view deck on Lake Superior this weekend, I kept hearing the desperate squeal of an obnoxious sounding woman:
"Willy! WILLY! WILLY! WILLY?!??!?!?? OHMIGOD WILLY??!!!!?"
I thought some god-forsaken child was dying-slash-drowning, but it turns out some super-smart-slash-super-stupid mutt named Willy was trying to escape its obnoxious owner, and was willing to swim to Canada if that's what it took.
Seriously, the dog was pretty far out into the raging sea, and it didn't seem to care two whits about the crowd on the shore who kept screaming its name. Nor was it interested in the boat that came to save it from certain death by drowning.
I was certain is was going to drown and ruin my weekend, as things are want to do, but it just kept on swimming, like Dori from Finding Nemo or Forrest Gump sans leg braces. Either way, I figured it probably had plans of living wild in Canada, away from certain political atmospheres and owners in awful sport-bra ensembles. It probably was desperate for release, remembering all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while it could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way... to the EFF-BEE-IIII.
Okay, that was a non-sequitur digression that will probably not be properly appreciated, but I can tell you that the drama on the shore of Lake Superior this weekend was fully appreciated by everyone. Except for Willy, who after being rescued by a not-so-inspiring boat, was only eager to get back in the water and make another break for it.
Unfortunately, he was eventually thwarted from his escape attempt by his shrill owner. Free Willy, indeed.
In honor of the attempt, I present to you: Little Willy as lip-synced by the original band, who were fashion forward enough to don your mother's hairdo and crocheted sweater-vest ensemble decades before she was.
::: posted by dan at 6:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Monday, June 22, 2009 :::
Some people went to Duluth last weekend to cheer on the runners at Grandma's Marathon. I went to participate in one of my favorite past times: spot the bloody nipples. They can be hard to photograph, like rare birds or ghostly specters, but I managed to snag a couple:
I also managed to rate a 10 on the Awesomeness Scale:
And I won the body fat percentage contest, too, scoring over 20% - higher than all of my friends!
And I pretended to get passionate with a very phallic looking cow head:
Oh, and some people I know ran some races and did real good and stuff. But enough about them, I just noticed that the picture of me taking the body fat test is taken at a strange perspective which makes it seem like I'm holding the guy behind the booth like a ragdoll in my grasp. It's kinda really super creepy now that I look at it. Especially with that look on my face...
::: posted by dan at 11:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 :::
This morning I dropped my Zyrtek on the kitchen floor. Distracted by the television and unwilling to avert my eyes from some tawdry news story, I bent down to retrieve the pill using only my peripherals, sweeping my hands across the floor until I located it. I had heard where it had landed so it was no big feat.
But upon popping the pill into my mouth, I immediately noticed a texture that I was not familiar with. I curiously spit the pill back into my hand to realize that it was not my pill at all, but rather some unidentifiable morsel of mysterious origin which was dried up and shriveled, and no doubt way beyond its expiration date:
Surprisingly, I'm somehow able to remain calm during situations like these. I think it's a defense mechanism, otherwise my borderline OCD might trigger a contamination-alert seizure. Instead, my analytical mind took over and I tried to identify the mystery nugget.
It kind of resembled a lemon seed, but I can't for the life of me remember the last time there would have been a lemon in my kitchen. Or alternatively, it could have been a chewed-up olive pit, which is a much more likely yet much less desirable possibility. I didn't have any other theories, so I smashed it with a frying pan to punish it, and then I put it into the refuse bin, where it should have been banished months ago.
If I didn't have such a discerning tongue, I could have unwittingly swallowed the thing with a gulp and then been royally peeved a couple hours later when my Zyrtek was seemingly ineffective. And then where would I have turned for my allergy relief? It was sort of a reminder of the lesson learned from the rat-loaf a couple posts down: always look before you eat.
::: posted by dan at 8:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments
Monday, June 15, 2009 :::
Yesterday at the Mall of America, this dood was running around in full-body spandex and jumping in water fountains:
He gurgled and burped and sounded like Emo Philips mixed with Gomer Pyle. He'd bathe himself in fountain water until the mall cops would come sniffing around. Then he'd start running around in evasive circles, as if suffering from palsy, leaving wet footprints in his wake. All the Japanese tourists seemed to love it. I was baffled.
And while we're on the subject of baffling surrealism, I had a dream last night that I won some prestigious poetry contest by penning the following limerick. In the dream, I had to read it in front of a fawning audience with incredible pretension and utter sincerity, like it was the most important poem ever written. I was even in a tux. It moved the audience to tears:
I always carry a spit,
For the people who don't care a bit,
For a ring and a dime,
I'll surrender my time,
But if moon were my surface, I'd quit.
For the record, the "spit" being referenced was the type you might roast a pig on, and the "For a ring and a dime, I'll surrender my time," phrase makes me sound like some sort of whore, but the rest is beyond me. Sleeping brains are effed up. Please analyze and interpret. Thanks in advance.
::: posted by dan at 5:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Friday, June 12, 2009 :::
Animals aren't the sweet innocent creatures people like to think they are. They can actually be quite cruel...
...to each other.
...to other species.
And sometimes they taste good in malt loaf.
Don't be fooled!
::: posted by dan at 12:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments
Wednesday, June 10, 2009 :::
Just another reminder to always look before you bite:
Man Finds Dead Mouse in Malt Loaf
What's a malt loaf? Bon Appetit!
::: posted by dan at 11:04 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments
Monday, June 08, 2009 :::
I've recently been sifting through years of digital photographs in preparation for a mass upload to Flickr. I'm tired of managing my own photo sets on planetdan and Flickr is apparently willing to host and organize twenty gigabytes worth of images for only $25 a year. In the process, I've come across some interesting photos, such as this one, where I managed to expertly ruin what would most likely have been a perfectly precious memory with some well-timed photo snipery:
But it was this photograph that startled me the most:
Taken from an awkward overhead angle, my eyeballs must be mid-blink, because I still can't decide if they are opened or closed. And the more I stare at the picture to puzzle it out, the more I want call an exorcist.
My repulsion to this picture is probably due to the fact that my mother had an awful painting of Jesus' disembodied floating head that she hung in the bathroom hallway, directly opposite my bedroom door, during my entire adolescence. It was titled "Veronica's Handkerchief" by Gabriel Max, and if you stared at it long enough, Jesus would open his eyes and look at you, shamingly:
You can see a larger version of it here to get the full effect, but I don't think I recommend it. Or at least 12-year-old danny - waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom - doesn't.
::: posted by dan at 7:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments
Friday, June 05, 2009 :::
My friend Stacy and I attended a Karaoke Jam with friends in Northeast Minneapolis last weekend.
We sang duets of Cyndi Lauper's She-Bop and Prince's Erotic City (whose lyrics were a total surprise to me - I always thought it was "F*cks are free to you and me," not "F*cks so pretty you and me." But no matter, I got to swear on stage either way.)
But it was our rendition of The Carpenter's Superstar that was the most confounding. We somehow managed to clear the entire dancefloor with what I thought was a pretty solid version of the classic, which lead me to believe that it was a song that was just too sophisticated for the crowd. I looked around bewildered at all the blank faces and vacant stares. It made me disappointed in the youth of today, who apparently could not appreciate the brilliance of one of the best songs written by one of the best bands ever.
Or at least that is what I assumed was the case, until I discovered that I had accidentally recorded a video of the event when I thought my camera was turned off. Please forgive the Cloverfield-esque cinematography, as I was unaware the cameras were rolling:
You can see me looking around for any type of validation or appreciation at the end of the video, but receiving absolutely nothing in return from the crowd. Perhaps Carpenters songs are a bit too high for my register. And perhaps I don't have the fine singing voice I once thought I did. I can only imagine what the chorus must have sounded like once the tempo picked up and my falsetto came into play.
::: posted by dan at 10:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments
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