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Tuesday, December 30, 2008 :::

Papal Irony

::: posted by dan at 3:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 25, 2008 :::

The War on Christmas

It's a stalemate!

Better luck next year.


::: posted by dan at 6:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, December 22, 2008 :::


I'm hosting a couple of good friends who happen to be Kiwis from New Zealand over the Christmas season. Although I'm usually a very accommodating host, I do have my own tics and compulsive issues when it comes to the cleanliness of my own living space. But this hasn't been an issue. In fact, everything has been going swimmingly with my houseguests. Until today, when I walked downstairs and saw this on my kitchen counter:

EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW, Vegemite? Not in my kitchen! I'm tempted to "accidentally" leave it outside for the birds to eat, but that would be super mean. To the birds.

Barf. I guess some stereotypes are true: they actually do love that stuff in Australia. So much so that one of them actually packed that jar and traveled with it for 36 hours. That's how much they like Vegemite down under.


::: posted by dan at 6:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, December 21, 2008 :::

Brilliant Ideas

At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.

You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.

A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.

For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight?and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.

One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.

This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.

Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.

Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.

Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.

::: posted by dan at 5:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, December 17, 2008 :::

Third Base

I was recently doing a little research into my youth for a certain project I've been working on when I came upon my Catholic elementary school's new official website. Upon delving into the content of the site I discovered that they have a new after-school extended care program for all the cute little Catholic kiddies who have no parents or guardians to watch over them in those dangerous afternoon hours between the final ring of the school bell and the first ring of the dinner bell.

Unfortunately, they have decided to name this program "Third Base":

Is it just my disease-ridden, Internet-addled mind, or is that one of the most inappropriate names imaginable for an extended care program? Especially at a school run by Catholic priests. They may as well have named it Father McGinty's Good-Touch Bad-Touch Exploratorium.

I think perhaps they should seek out some generous parishioner in the PR industry, stat, and consult their nearest Urban Dictionary before they end up calling their next Church Picnic a "Meat Retreat".

::: posted by dan at 6:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, December 12, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Versus Edition)!

Since I forgot to post on the last Animated Friday, I figure I better make this one supersized, like when they make The Office ten minutes longer and a lot less funny on Thursday nights during Sweeps Month:

Man vs. Diving Board

Baby vs. Sprinkler

Polevaulter vs. Pole

Morons vs. Shotgun

::: posted by dan at 8:33 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, December 11, 2008 :::

Cosbama Simpson

I'm a fan of all things unintentionally creepy, which is probably why I have such an affinity for wax museums, so I just had to comment on this new Obama sculpture:

It's as if they made a conglomerate of every famous black man in America, combining them all into one single shape-shifting face. At first glance, he looks a little like Bill Cosby. At second glance, maybe OJ Simpson. Only on close inspection and with careful consideration does it even start to slightly resemble Obama in any significant way. I'd call the sculptors racist if I wasn't so familiar with the generally subpar quality of the their industry in the first place. Let's just chalk this one up to poor workmanship.

Epic fail, to use today's popular Internet terminology.

::: posted by dan at 7:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, December 10, 2008 :::

My Year's Biggest Disappointment

I was at the mall doing a little xmas shopping last weekend when I noticed a man trying on some cashmere in the middle of the sweater department at Macy's. Apparently it was too much trouble to find a fitting room. Normally, I wouldn't complain, simply because I've done the same thing myself on occasion. Except I'm a little more discreet and a lot less obese. Fortunately he had a T-shirt on underneath, but unfortunately it got caught up in the ensuing struggle to remove the outerwear and it was subsequently lifted up to chin level, revealing his pasty white Santa-sized belly and hairy man boobs to the entire shopping crowd.

To make matters worse he seemed to get momentarily stuck and he tried to shimmy his way out of the situation. Initially I was caught off guard by the whole scene, as it was something that would normally happen to me and not to others. But eventually I came to my senses, and so it was a race with the clock as I frantically patted down my own pockets in a panicked search of my camera phone. I lost that race when the man's wife swooped in to manually lower his T-shirt to a respectable level. Little did either of them know that he was a mere moment away from Internet stardom. Sigh. You can't win 'em all.

To apologize for missing out on such an awesome opportunity, I will post this ass-crack picture instead. I didn't take this picture and it's not nearly the same caliber as what I personally witnessed, but it will have to do:

And here is a helpful graph:

::: posted by dan at 7:56 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


Monday, December 01, 2008 :::

Soapy Ribs

OMGWTFBBQCARWASH?!? I drove by this place today:

On closer inspection, it turns out they do indeed sell both BBQ ribs and full service car washes - one of which was being advertised for $11.99, I'm just not sure which one.

It's funny because just the other day I asked my friend Kristina if she wanted to go out for a nice rib dinner but unfortunately she was unable to get out of previous plans to get her car washed and detailed. If only I had known that the BBQCARWASH was a mere twenty-minute drive away.

But seriously, you might expect to see something like this at some backwoods grill-house shack with a dude playing Deliverance-style banjo next to a soapy bucket, but this place seems pretty legit. I just wonder how they got the small business loan in the first place. "Well you see, loan officer, I got this idea for a place where you eat ribs and get yer car washed... simultaneously."

::: posted by dan at 5:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments Social Bookmark Button


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