planetdan

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 :::

Wake up call.

I was standing in line at the market yesterday in between work meetings, sharply dressed in my pressed pants with my matching messenger bag slung casually around my shoulder. I was in a hurry, both to get to my next meeting and to eat the sushi bagel roles that I was eagerly waiting to devour. My Blackberry buzzed, and I instinctively reached to grab it from its cradle on my belt, when I heard a half-laugh/half-tsk grunt coming from the lady behind me in line. I looked up to see the lady staring at me in a way with which I was very familiar: keen judgment. It only took me a second to see myself the way she was seeing me: thirtysomething conservatively-dressed hipster wannabe standing in line to buy sushi and checking his Blackberry. Just describing it, I can hardly stop myself from making a half-laugh/half-tsk grunt at my own expense.

I never even saw it coming, but my transformation into yuppie asshole is apparently complete. I feel sad for myself.

I felt a little better about myself after dripping soy sauce all over my lap while trying to eat the sushi in my scraped-up Hyundai economy car that's missing half of the sideview mirror from when I hit it on the side of my garage over a year and a half ago. Any truly devoted yuppie would be driving a VW of some sort. I'm sure of it.

::: posted by dan at 10:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

22 previous comments:

Good thing for her you aren't a character from a Bret Easton Ellis novel. I never tisk at the yuppies.

Do you remember how for awhile everybody was getting these stupid acronyms? Buppies (black), guppies (gay), yucas (young urban Cuban American)? I dont have a punchline here, I just hated when that was going on.

By

Erik, at 4:57 PM

Funny you say that. I originally had a reference to how I probably looked like Christian Bale preparing for a murderous rampage, but I removed it in fear that people would misunderstand and think that I was trying to associate my looks with that of an attractive movie star. I don't want to be accused of being a conceited yuppie after all.

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dan, at 5:16 PM

sushi bagel?!?

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Elle Marie, at 5:43 PM

It's not a sushi bagel, it's a sushi roll that for some reason they name Bagel Roll. It's a normal sushi roll with salmon, avacado, cream cheese, and the usual fixins and it's entirely nummy.

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dan, at 6:04 PM

cream cheese????????????? in a sushi roll..

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Anonymous, at 7:15 PM

He is in Minnesota. They put cream cheese on everything there. Even Sushi. I am sure the Japanese and east coase hipsters are enraged...

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Anonymous, at 8:00 PM

You ate sushi with a blackberry?

I wonder if you secretly dislike me?
since I am a eat a chips ahoy 100 calorie pack while pretending to talk on michael's toy cell type of girl

maybe the soy sauce dribbling bridges the gaps...

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Stacy, at 8:25 PM

and you call it "the market"
and I call it cub...really,
thank god for the soy sauce and hyundi common ground

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Stacy, at 8:34 PM

at least you didnt drop the names of your clothing in addition to all other yuppidome phrases. I think I may have puked had I heard Gap, Banana Republic , or The Limited.

Oh, and either a VW or Volvo.

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Wittyguy, at 8:36 PM

She snickered because she's jealous.

I'm proud, we never see any of that around here... if you aren't wearing a belt buckle the size of a hubcap you're a yuppie.

I've had cream cheese in sushi here as well, by the way.

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the other sarah, at 9:15 PM

us volvo-driving northeast folks call it a "Philadelphia Roll." I guess after the cream cheese. My txt-msgng, racoon-eyed, emo kids love it! We put cream cheese on everything, too.

Should I bother reading Ellis? Please advise.

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toddbee, at 8:32 AM

If she knew the real you she wouldn’t have done that…you are only a 9 – 5 surface yuppy.

I shop at the Limited, The Gap and the BR…but I don’t eat sushi. I drive an Altima, how do Altima’s figure into the yuppy equation? I work in travel; people who work in travel are only in it for the free trips…so that’s not yuppy. I live with Dan, so maybe I’m yuppy by association? No, I only see him before 9 and after 5, so I’m alright there. Well, I don’t know where else I’m supposed to shop, and if shopping at the Limited is wrong, I don’t want to be right!

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Kristina, at 9:38 AM

i thought the yuppies drove bmw's and MB's? . . . or are those only reserved for euro-trash now?

as for the cream cheese . . . it's getting a bit out of hand. (it'called a philadelphia roll here, too). but i digress . . . cream cheese does not belong any where near sushi. (i'm having sushi for lunch today - MMMMMmmmmm.)

read ellis - his work is the epitome of 80's excess and is funny as hell.

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angie, at 10:00 AM

I thought to be a yuppie you need also to be engaged, so you can be saying "my fiance" and "we" all the time. Or at least in a really long relationship. The highlight years of yuppie-ness are when you and your partner are deciding to buy a condo together. There are extra yuppie points if you are merging your finances but not marrying. Or are marrying but keeping your names.

Then you have to have kids. But I think yuppies are expected to be married if they have kids, cos otherwise it is too unorthodox. You should start out with a dog, preferabley the Weimeranner(SP) That is also a good way for yuppies to meet, out jogging with your Weimeranner named "Wrigley" (after the Cubs' stadium)

As an underfunded young person, I can only say that selling out into having a Blackberry and pressed pants land seems like a far off dream.

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The Artist Extraordinaire, at 1:11 PM

Shut up! VW's are great cars.

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Debbye, at 1:22 PM

the worst part is that you wear your blackberry clipped on your belt!!!! EEEEEEK!

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Anonymous, at 2:30 PM

In Minneapolis, a Philadelphia Roll is a sushi roll with cream cheese and crab meat. A Bagel Roll is a sushi roll with salmon, cream cheese, and avacado, and they even sprinkle on a few sesame seeds. They taste heavenly.

As for the blackberry, it is required by my work, and it's too big to fit in a pocket without looking really wide or overexcited.

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dan, at 5:04 PM

This sounds so familiar...

Oh yeah. That's why.

Funny.

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e.lucid, at 9:58 PM

"I thought to be a yuppie you need also to be engaged"
Ha Ha...I read that as "enraged" and thought, ah ha! Before I realized I read it wrong...but if it is true then perhaps I'm a yuppie, since I'm always quietly angry lately, in a road-rage-get-outta-my-way sorta way. Like I've been living in a city too long. Not good.
Also, on the west coast, yuppies drive Subarus. At least, the LL Bean wearing, psuedo-outdoorsy, psuedo-intellectual, car-camper yuppies. See? Enraged.

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lola, at 4:23 PM

uh - sorry lola... i don't know what part of the west coast you're from but up and down california lesbians drive subaru's....

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Anonymous, at 3:29 PM

lesbians & yuppies are definitely not mutually exclusive and more often then not completely correlated on the west coast. i speak as a former seattlelite.

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Jay, at 2:08 PM

Baby piggy! Dan, you're being very gentle. That's what you say to little kids, "Gentle, Dan, gentle."

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Anonymous, at 8:57 PM

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