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Monday, February 06, 2006 :::

My worst nightmare, realized.

Nothing interesting has happened to me in a while. Nothing postworthy, anyway. Even the internet seems to be disappointing me lately. So instead I'll have to tell you about what happened to my friend B* last night.

Imagine that you live alone in an apartment-style condo and that you're fast asleep. Now imagine that you wake up to someone tapping you on your shoulder. Now imagine that after the initial shock of waking up to a stranger standing over your bed, that you manage not to wet yourself and stumble to turn on the light, only to discover a 90-year-old man hovering over where you were just sleeping, slack-jawed and pointing at nothing.

Would you:

a) have a heart attack
b) poop yourself
c) instinctively pummel the old man to death

I would probably do 'a' and 'b' simultaneously, but honestly I couldn't judge anyone if a 'c' took place. Regardless, this specific scenario, without any of the above options, happened to my friend just last night. As B* struggled to compose himself and assess the situation, the old man just mumbled and ranted disorientedly, calling B* 'Cousin Frank' or something like that. I imagine him to look like that creepy old evil guy in Poltergeist II. Turns out that the poor old guy had wandered up from downstairs, found B*s door unlocked, entered, turned on all the lights, rooted through his drawers and cupboards, and then apparently decided it was time to wake up the sleeping stranger in the bedroom. Go figure that the one night B* forgets to lock his front door is the one night that the dementia-addled old-fart downstairs decides to go hunting for long-lost relatives at 2am. Anyway, my friend luckily remembered that his downstairs neighbor lived with his elderly father, so the poor guy was eventually returned to his right place. B*s one relief is that he had been too tired to disrobe that night before bedtime. Otherwise that whole scene would have played-out in nude slo-mo, which I'm sure would have killed that poor old man.

Just kidding, B*.

I gotta give B* credit. At least once a week I wake up and see the confusing silhouette of my office chair in the distance and freeze in terror thinking it's some odd-shaped intruder. It can honestly take a good 20 minutes to stop my heart from racing.

::: posted by dan at 10:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments Social Bookmark Button

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20 previous comments:

Whenever I get surprised like that, I tend to shout out "SHIT". I don't know exactly why, seeing as I don't use that term in everyday conversation. At least it's not literal.

By Blogger stapler, at 7:46 AM  

Brent, we are so proud of you. You handled that awesomely. Now lock your doors man.

We used to have a demented next door neighbor and more than once we found him in our yard naked humping our tree. I was probably all of eight so needless to say I still have issues with old men, and trees.

By Blogger the other sarah, at 7:49 AM  

Scarier story:

I saw Blair Witch by myself and fell asleep, only to wake up and see:
a) braided wheat thing hanging on doorknob and believed it to be one of the witch's little stick people
b) huge stack of laundry in corner and thought it was Mike, which made me Heather (even tho I'm a dude) which meant someone or something was gonna attack me.

I didn't sleep the rest of the night.

Good story, ey?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:00 AM  

That is funny - but only because it happened to someone other than myself. I don't think I'd ever be the same again.

By Blogger elizabeth, at 8:11 AM  

Was it Mick Jagger? He looks pretty old. That arm waddle caused nightmares for me. I think I would've screamed really really loud if I was B*. He's very brave.

By Blogger Biglug, at 8:56 AM  

That's not your office's me. I like to watch the genius that is Dan sleep.

But on a serious note, tell the truth, a little 'b' did happen, didn't it...

By Blogger lynne, at 8:58 AM  

Gah! This freaks me out.

Especially seeing as for the last 2 weeks I've been waking up "seeing" things. Like 3 nights ago I thought my youngest was standing in front of my bed and I got up to see what was wrong and thought "her hair is too long, like waist length long" and as soon as I realized it wasn't youngest it disappeared. Keep in mind I'm totally blind w/o my contacts. But last night I had my contacts in and swear to god there was a man (fully clothed) sitting on the edge of my bathtub. When I turned on the light he was gone. Could have been the 6 foot pile of dirty towels tho... couldn't it?

At least B* was able to bring his nightmare home.

I need some nightlights.

By Blogger Colleen, at 9:20 AM  

Maybe stopping drinking would help? Just kidding. (No, not really actually.)

By Blogger elizabeth, at 9:43 AM  

Colleen, I think your house is haunted! Have you got any of those crazy ghost-chasing people in your town?

By Blogger pixelala, at 11:37 AM  

Considering I've screamed when my own kid has woken me up (which isn't a positive experience for the child, btw), I can't imagine what I'd do if I'd saw a senile old man. It's entirely possible that I'd piss myself.

By Blogger Monkey, at 1:50 PM  

I have a similar situation with my three year old.I usually open my eyes to a creaking door and a waddling shadow with glow in the dark dinosars jammies running toward me.Even though it happens every night it is terrifing.

it has been a slow week for me too.Good thing I read your blog I was going to swipe Brent's story for my own...

By Blogger Stacy, at 2:02 PM  

I would have screamed so loudly and uncontrollably, that the old guy would have certainly had a heart attack. Then I'd have to explain that to the 9-1-1 operator. Gads.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:13 PM  

holy shit, that's scary. i would have done a, b, and c at the same time.

By Blogger Honey Bunny, at 5:34 PM  

that exact thing happened to a friend of mine who was napping necked. she managed to sneak out of her house and call 911, leaving dimentia lady alone in the house. when the police arrived, she was wrapped in only a sheet, holding a phone in one hand and a golf club in the other.

gotta lock those doors!

By Blogger Michelle, at 8:28 PM  

Get a dog..they let you know when people are in your house. I have a friend who has a gun beside her bed, with a laser on it..we went to a cottage on a lake a couple of years ago, and she brought the damn thing. Set it on the nightstand she did, right before cutting out the light..Sue...I said..what if I have to get up in the middle of the night to go pee...will you shoot me?? Not if you crawl on your hands and knees back to bed I won't she said. Needless to say, I didnt sleep a wink. jill

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:51 PM  

I woke up one night and was instantly paralyzed with fear as I saw what appeared to be Sasquatch (aka bigfoot)staring down at me. It seemed like an eternity went by before my eyes refocused in the dark to reveal that I'd merely left the closet at the foot of the bed wide open and what I was seeing was the silloette of dark clothes againgst light.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:38 AM  

I feel so much love in the room right now. Because I'm an anxious sleeper who lives alone in a four bedroom house that was built in 1765 and there are total GHOSTS ALL THE TIME.

But I've only called the police once. Not only did I hear footsteps, the cat skidded around the corner with her hair all crazy and I knew I was done for!
So I don't know that an actual, living old man would scare me that bad.

By Blogger PeaceBang, at 4:16 PM  

So your friend fell asleep in his clothes with the door unlocked? Are ALL of your friends like this Dan? I mean, in the "drinky drink" way?

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:00 PM  

Is it bad that I died laughing reading this? Then Mic Jagger put me over the edge...LMAO!

By Blogger Riana, at 6:08 AM  

I fall asleep with the door unlocked all the time. Not on purpose mind you, I just fall asleep on the couch a lot (while watching tv) and I never bother locking the door until I go to bed. Now I'm all paranoid that I'm gonna wake up with some weirdo standing over me.

By Blogger Gwenhwyfar, at 6:59 PM  

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