planetdan

Sunday, March 18, 2007 :::

Le Blog

Today I saw the Mona Lisa smile. No, not that awful movie where Julia Roberts is an inspiration to those boring boarding school chicks... the REAL Mona Lisa smile, because I am in Paris so suck on that, bitches.

I'd post more but this keyboard is all whacked out and it took me forever just to find the apostrophe. So ciao or whatever.

::: posted by dan at 12:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Monday, March 12, 2007 :::

Franken on Franklin

I was waiting at a red light on Franklin Street last Friday night when I looked into the SUV on my left and noticed Al Franken was in the driver's seat. It would probably never be considered a rare or exciting celebrity sighting, especially since he's actually living in the Twin Cities again while he runs for senate, but it was a celebrity sighting nonetheless and they don't come around too often in Minnesota. So like a wannabe paparazzo, I readied my digital camera and started waving violently to get his reaction.

But it was dark, and he and his wife were steadfast in their attention to the road. The light turned green and he took off, but my Hyundai and I stayed even with them until the next red light, where I took a few quick snapshots using the red-eye-reduction flash, thinking this might get their attention. But again, they were unfazed, and again the light turned green without even a hint of acknowledgement.

Turns out I should have been paying more attention to the road in front of me because I didn't really see the cars parked on the side of the road and I had to make a last minute decision to hit the gas and swerve ahead of Franken's SUV in order to avoid ramming into anything, which elicited a nasty honk, I'm assuming from Franken himself. Guess I finally got his attention.

So it turns out the paparazzo life is not for me. Which is okay, because in Minneapolis there aren't many targets. You'd only really have to split your time between Prince and Al Franken. Maybe Jesse Ventura, Dean Johnson from HomeTime, or Joan Steffand from Decorating Cents, or this lady (not suitable for work), if you're lucky. But with "celebrities" like that, you'd have to catch them doing something particularly nasty before anyone would really care. I mean, it's not like when barefoot Brittney buys a taco.

And I'm obviously not the best photographer. This is the best picture I could get:

::: posted by dan at 11:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Saturday, March 10, 2007 :::

Used Jockeys for Sale

I buy my brandname underwear at Marshall's (Brand Names for Less™) to take advantage of the discount prices. Today I purchased a variety of different styles and colors, but when I got home and opened one of the packages for its pre-wear inaugural washing, something was not right. The plastic wrapping of the package itself was secured with unofficial-looking Scotch brand tape. Once opened, even more Scotch brand tape was to be found inside, applied in an even-less-official-looking manner:

This could only mean one of two things:

1. Someone bought some undies, took them home, tried them on, didn't appreciate the look or fit, repackaged them, and returned them to the store for a refund, or

2. Marshall's found an opened pack of Jockeys in their usual shipment of "slightly irregulars" and decided just to reassemble the package in the hopes that some unobservant schmuck like me wouldn't notice and purchase them by accident.

I'm hoping the latter is the actual scenario, but regardless, they went straight into the trash. I suppose I could have complained to Marshall's and returned them for a refund, but god knows the store would have just repackaged them again and put them right back out on the shelf for the next unsuspecting victim, and I decided that the cycle needed to end with me. The madness stops here. Oprah take note: I'm considering this to be my random act of kindness for the week.

It reminds me of when I was younger and we had a neighborhood garage sale and some sicko neighbor of mine put their tighty-whities up for sale at a quarter a piece. Who buys garage sale underwear, except maybe for sniffing fetishists?

Even worse: doods who sell their drawers on eBay, after modeling them for the auction listing.

::: posted by dan at 6:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 :::

Disco Pierre Knead Stoner

This weekend we celebrated a birthday with a fiesta. I rasterbated Cherry Nut an oversized poster and stuffed her a pinata.

I didn't know how to pack a pinata that would be suitable for adult entertainment, so I stuffed some condoms and liquor into it, but everyone was more impressed with the fake teeth and Laffy Taffy, so I guess there was no need to imagine that thirtysomethings were any harder to please than pre-teens and toddlers. I don't think I've ever referred to myself as being thirtysomething before. It makes me think of bad TV melodramas from the '80s. I don't remember Timothy Busfield or Peter Horton ever having an adult pinata party. Oh well.

We also played Mad Gab. Let's see if any of you can decipher the phrase from this clue of phonetically similar-sounding words:

Happy Birfday Cherry Nut.

::: posted by dan at 5:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments