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Monday, July 28, 2008 :::

Pieces of Flair

I'm a tad late in jumping on the Facebook bandwagon. This is probably due to the fact that I knew I would spend way too much time on it if I were to ever create an account. This turned out to be the case, as evidenced by the two hours I spent on Saturday morning creating my very own "Pieces of Flair" bulletin board:

It was may more fun than it had any right to be. But they had so many awesome buttons that my bulletin board just isn't big enough. I think my favorite piece of flair is the one that says "You boys like tongue?" because I never realized how funny that line was out of context.

I also like the one that says ))<>(( because that scene cracks my shit up every time.

And as you might be able to tell, I even made a few homemade planetdan buttons. Can you pick them out?

Jebus, I'm a nerd.

::: posted by dan at 8:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, July 25, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Back to the Bikes Edition)!

I've made the mistake of revealing my opinion on motorcycles and motorcyclists before: deathtraps for deathwishers. But I won't get into that again. I'll just keep posting proof:

Sometimes it's better to just let go.

I repeat:

Sometimes it's better to just let go.

And yes, I know that first vehicle actually has three wheels. But this only helps to prove the four-wheel-minimum rule.

::: posted by dan at 11:54 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Wednesday, July 23, 2008 :::

A Tale of Two Fails

I drive by this stupid railing nearly every day, and nearly every day I dream that real life had a photoshop "skew" transformation function so that I could fix it with the click my mouse:

I don't know what idiot installed it, but he clearly has no remedial concept of structural stability. I should set up a video camera to capture the eventual/comical collapse on the day when some poor old lady relies a little too heavily on this deathtrap for support.

And speaking of bad ideas in my very own neighborhood, this is perhaps not the best idea for a personalized license plate:

That driver better be a teetotaller, otherwise he's just askin' for it. It's a good thing "Drunk & Speeding" is too long to fit on a license plate.

Or is this supposed to be like the sedan version of The Scarlet Letter?

::: posted by dan at 8:02 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, July 22, 2008 :::

Ba Ba Ba

Have you ever been out drinking or at a wedding reception or something and it gets to that part of the evening where everyone is just drunk enough to think that participating in a bar-wide singalong is a good idea? And that's when the DJ slips Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline into the set just to watch the drunken mass make a collective fool of itself?

Now imagine if that bar were large enough to hold 50,000 people...

We went to see Neil Diamond for jBall's birthday. It was a great show actually, although the average age of the audience probably hovered in the 45-50 range, and he didn't play my favorite Soolaimon, and the third encore chorus of Sweet Caroline might have been a tad over the top...

But then what is Neil Diamond if not over the top?

Happy birfday jBalls!

ps. That vintage performance youtube link to Soolaimon is definitely worth a look, if only for dood faking the bongos.

::: posted by dan at 8:48 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, July 18, 2008 :::

Animated Friday!

Why do babies always gotta be hogging the spotlight?

My bet would be that the owner of that baby pushed her kid head-first into the cake just to get the cameraman to focus on her sweet little blessing of a miracle again. People with babies are all about hoarding attention, you know.

Bonus Animated GIF:
Prince is a sexy tease, and don't you forget it.

I applaud him for attempting to make the bare-midriff a crossover fashion trend.

::: posted by dan at 11:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments Social Bookmark Button


Thursday, July 17, 2008 :::

It's Alive!

Something strange is afoot on my mantle. My used fake breast seems to be self-inflating:

And the level of the liquid inside seems to be waning still, too. But there is no leak to be found anywhere and the mantle itself shows no sign of staining. I'm certain there is some scientific explanation for this phenomenon, some evaporation/osmosis/barometric pressure solution I would guess, but my main concern is that this trend will continue until the eventual explosion of said used fake breast, and I'd rather prevent that from happening if at all possible.

So if there is a physics expert out there who might be able to explain to me what gives and if I should seek shelter, that would be helpful, kthnxbye.

ps. I find it sad that my breast implant posts seem to trigger a lot of mail-order Asian bride ads.

::: posted by dan at 8:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, July 15, 2008 :::

For a Single Benjamin

Someone offered my friend JW a hundred dollars to artificially create some male pattern balding on top of his own head for a week. The creepy moustache was also required. I hope.

Now here's where I have to make a decision. Do I turn this into a "What would you do for one hundred dollars" post? Or do I go the route of "What would dan look like if he did the same thing" post? I think I will do both:

First, it's actually an interesting experiment to face your inevitable future head on like that. Luckily, JW's head has a good size and shape. But on the flip side, I feel very fortunate to have a full head of hair on top of my gargantuan, lumpy noggin, and no trace of male pattern baldness in my family's genetic history, because I would not be able to wear it very well. At all. I photoshopped the possibility, of course, but I have a feeling that even this poor recreation is nowhere near as unappealing as the reality would be:

It also got me thinking about what I would do for $100. Not this, of course. I wouldn't even shave my head for $1,000. An offer of $10,000 would probably be refused as well. Beyond that, my desire to hold onto my self-dignity starts to get a little foggy, and for some reason I start to care less and less about what I look like. So it would seem that the price of my dignity would be somewhere around the $30,000-$40,000 range.


::: posted by dan at 8:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, July 13, 2008 :::

Learnin' Ain't Just Fer Kids Anymore

We went to the Science Museum today, mostly just to visit the Star Wars Imagination exhibit:

But we also did some general learnin' and experimentin':

Sportin' a newscaster smile with a face born for television:

And as long as I was exercisin' my brain, I figure I may as well exercise my "abdominal brain" while I was at it:

From Star Wars to Antique Butt Plugs... all in all, it was a very satisfying day at the Science Museum. Anyway, there are even more pictures here.

::: posted by dan at 8:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, July 11, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (It's Harder Than It Looks Edition)!

In spite of their titles, I don't think either of these GIFs are really inappropriate for work. But I guess that depends on where you work.

Stripping Is Hard

Streaking Is Hard

::: posted by dan at 11:41 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments Social Bookmark Button


Tuesday, July 08, 2008 :::

Read Without Prejudice, Vol. I

I went to the George Michael concert last night.

The crowd was an odd mix of disco-dancing gay men and screaming dolled-up soccer moms. The few 100% straight men that were there seemed to be in gay panic mode, as evidenced by the conversation the man in front of me had with the bartender while I waited in line for a drink during the concert:

Bartender: So, how's the show?
Man in line: Fine I guess, not really my thing, man. Girlfriend made me bring her. The girlfriend really likes him. I don't see what the big deal is, but my girlfriend is screaming her lungs out.
Me (under my breath): Yeah, we get it, dood. You have a girlfriend.
Bartender: It's like the IceCapades. I tell my wife that there are two things keeping me from taking her to the IceCapades: my testicles.

Then they shared a hearty guffaw. Sign that bartender up for the Blue Collar Comedy Tour!

But back to the subject at hand: the concert itself was pretty darned good, except for the twenty minute intermission in the middle that totally killed the momentum of the show. I never heard of a concert with an intermission before, but I guess George ain't no spring chicken anymore. Fella needs a rest.

Subsequently, the second half dragged a bit, but overall the show reminded me of how many great songs George actually released nearly twenty years ago that still hold up today, despite the fact that the man himself is starting to look a little too much like Rue McClanahan these days:

When all is said and done, the man puts on a good show. And I can tell you that a few rediscovered George Michael tunes will definitely sneak there way onto my mix CDs over the next few months.

::: posted by dan at 8:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments Social Bookmark Button


Sunday, July 06, 2008 :::

A Proposition

This weekend I got propositioned by an unsober prostitute while waiting in my car at a corner in Uptown. I saw her approach the car in front of me in broad daylight. Her crack-ho outfit consisted of the typical short-shorts and a tank top with one strap falling carelessly off of her boney, malnourished shoulder. Her hair was dyed black, and from far away you could have easily mistook her for a goth hippie.

She knocked on his passenger-side window and waited patiently, but he didn't respond. When he drove away, forcing her backwards toward the curb, it didn't even phase her. So she moved onto my car, again knocking politely. I rolled down the window a crack and she peered in - her one eye was blinking about twice as fast as, and seemingly independent from, the other one. She didn't say anything. An awkward moment passed. Finally, I broke the silence. "Yes?" I asked her. "Can I help you?"

"Need a date?" she replied, after a beat, turning the entire question into one slurred word. Her teeth barely dotted the landscape of her gums.

"Need a dentist?" I wanted to reply, but that seemed cruel, and she was actually being quite polite.

"Need some penicillin?" would have been an appropriate reply, too, but the humor might have been lost on her, even with her assumingly vast experience with STDs.

"No thanks, I'm legume intolerant!" I thought about saying, cheekily, while adding a verbal rimshot sound effect, because even a down-on-her-luck crack-ho should experience a good clean chuckle at least once a day. But unfortunately I was on the spot and I couldn't actually remember if a date was a legume or some other kind of fruit.

"My Calender says July 5th!" could have been another groan-worthy attempt at humor, but that would have been a stretch, and by this point I had kept her awaiting an answer far too long, and I needed to be on my way anywho.

"Nope, but thanks for the offer," is all I could actually muster up the courage to say.

I could almost swear that she actually said "yer welcome" as I rolled up the window in her face and sped around the corner leaving her in a cloud of dust, but I can't be sure. It could have also been a profane threat. Or simply a grunt. It was hard to interpret due to her complete lack of facial expressions.

Anyway, it was my first hooker-at-my-car-window experience, and now I feel like I need to make a commemorative T-shirt:

And by "lousy" I mean lice-infected.

::: posted by dan at 11:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments Social Bookmark Button


Saturday, July 05, 2008 :::

Happy 4th

Hope you had a happy 4th. I did.

::: posted by dan at 11:44 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments Social Bookmark Button


Friday, July 04, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Look Before You Leap Edition)!

It's July 4th, but that doesn't mean we don't all need a good laugh at someone else's expense.

Look Before You Leap, Yo.

::: posted by dan at 8:39 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments Social Bookmark Button


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