Archive for category Totally Random but Decidedly Awesome

Matrioshka

My favorite joke of the month, told to me by my buddy Ricko:

“I don’t really like those Russian nesting dolls. They’re just so into themselves.”

Okay, so maybe it’s not the funniest joke in the world, and kinda random to boot, but I like it.

I am fascinated by nesting dolls. I hesitate to say that I “love” them out of fear that people may take that sentiment a tad too seriously and I’ll get nothing but nesting dolls for every birthday, christmas, and anniversary until the day I die. (Likewise and for the record, I do not officially collect anything at all. So there are no easy-outs for gift-giving when it comes to danny. But I digress.)

Over ten years ago I bought a set of blank nesting dolls off the internet in the hopes of coming up with some really clever or funky idea for how to paint on them,  but no idea ever came, and so now they just sit in the back of my closet like nested trophies of my creative failure.

So if anyone’s got any bright ideas, send them my way. But Michael Jackson has already been done:

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A Sexy Halloween Overload

It’s that time of the year again.

We all know that sexy Halloween costumes for women have gotten out of control. I lampooned them years ago. The difference between then and now is that back then I had to invent phony costumes in order to push it to the level of total absurdity, but now the costume manufacturers are doing the work for me. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, the following examples of my favorite Sexy Halloween Costumes of 2010 need no embellishment:

1. Sexy Avatar Babe
This one was inevitable, since it’s the most popular movie of all time, and you just know that dozens of sci-fi convention gals have been testing out their blue coverall makeup for months. But even if it’s totally popular, that doesn’t mean it’s not entirely regrettable.

2. Sexy Horror Movie Heroes
The female Jason costume is just a sports jersey with no pants, which is probably the same as her “Sunday Best” in the Fall. And lady Chucky? There was a Bride of Chucky, you know. Why make him into a her when you already got a perfectly good her? I suppose at the very least they are trying to be scary.

3. Sexy New Twists on Old Classics
Apparently old classics like Sexy Cop just weren’t sexy enough anymore, so this new version updates the ensemble into what is basically a handkerchief and a thong. If it weren’t for the barely-there badge and the handcuffs, this costume could just as easily be called Sexy Discount Fabric Scraps.

4. Sexy CSI Slut
This one is sort of baffling, just because I can’t think of a logical reason for her to be wrapped in crime-scene tape, unless she was the victim, and the magnifying glass is like CSI: Sherlock Holmes edition. And where on earth does she keep her fingerprinting duster?

5. Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Cowabunga! You and three of your sluttiest friends can have the sexy time of your life… at your 10-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party.

6. Sexy Finding Nemo Nymphette
Or you could have the sexy time of your life… at your 8-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party.
You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

7. Sexy Sesame Street Hotties
Or you could have the sexy time of your life… at your 5-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party. Because why stop at elementary school? Why not scar children for life right in pre-school? Heck, everyone needs to learn that C is for Cookie sometime. Sexy Big Bird blows my mind.

8. Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
This one might be my favorite.

“Hey Tiff, what are you going to be for Halloween?”

“Sexy Mrs. Potato Head.”

“That’s hott.” <– said in your most Paris Hiltony voice.

9. Sexy Halloween Time for Man Sluts
Apparently, the Sexy Halloween Costume trend is even crossing gender boundaries this year, although they are starting off simple:

Unfortunately, the sexiest man costume of all is not available yet. But don’t fret, it’s coming soon. Just in case the Walmart near you doesn’t carry black wife-beaters, self-tanner, and Aquanet.

Can’t wait until next year!

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Nostalgic for Nostalgia

I was watching TV last weekend when I came across a rerun of “I Love the 80′s” on VH1. That odd thing is that those nostalgia shows originally aired like 15 years ago and watching them again is like a blast from the past, so I realized I was having nostalgia about the nostalgia shows.

I watched multiple episodes in a row, not to reminisce about the 80′s, but rather to reminisce about the cast of comedians and commenters as they reminisced about the 80′s back in the 90′s. I know it sounds complicated, but it was fascinating to watch the various has-been commenters (who were at the time probably very “now”) tell lame jokes and make unfunny references to random things that were apparently popular and current in the 90′s but now seem as old hat as AOL.

They need a new show, called “I Love ‘I Love the 80s’” where they bring in NEW commentators to comment on the OLD commentators, talking about how lame their hairdos were and making various “where are they now?” jokes. Of course, these new commenters and their jokes would only be relevant for about five years and then it would inevitably become old and lame until the cycle began again and they brought in even NEWER commentators to comment on the formerly new commentators as they commented on the OLD commentators who were commenting about the 80′s. And this could happen ad infinitum forever and ever amen until VH1 was just a big babbling meta channel of talking heads and criss-crossing comments on a 24-hours-a-day program called “I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love the 80′s Strikes Back”””.

At a certain point, it might get too complicated to understand who’s commenting about what, though, with commenters commenting about commenters commenting about commenters. Like watching Inception and never being able to figure out whose dream you are in.

In five years, that Inception reference is going to seem so 2010.

And speaking about the 80′s, they were awesome:

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Cuz The Prez Says

I think that maybe the Prez was a douchebag in gym class, although probably a funny douchebag:

And just in case you didn’t know, you ain’t Obama’s bitch, and you need to buy your own damn fries (MNSFW): Get Adobe Flash player

More fun Obama audio clips at April Winchell. Perfect for turning into ringtones.

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Mind = Blown

I’ve seen a lot of swirlie optical illusions on the web in my day, but this one blows my mind. How many colors do you see in the colorful swirlies below? Pink, Orange, Green, and Blue, right? WRONG. The blue and the green are the same color.


From the red-eye puzzler.I even brought it into Photoshop just to make sure I wasn’t being bamboozled. See here for yourself. That’s messed up.

Fer real.

And as a personal companion piece, here is an old classic yawn-worthy optical illusion I video-taped at Puzzling World in Wanaka, New Zealand, which I feel is blogworthy since it’s at least on video, which means it’s totally high-tech and stuff:

There’s magic all up in this bitch!

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People are Awesome

I love the internet because it is a perpetual boost to my self-confidence. Everywhere I look, there are people to remind me that I am lucky to have been born with whatever brains I got, because it’s apparently more than most.

Maybe I’m retired, but mystery tooth made my day!

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For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Caribou Coffee has some gimmick right now where you write the answer to the question “What do you stay awake for?” on a post-it and stick it to the counter to share with your fellow patrons. 99% of them say “my kids” or “Jesus” and so they are pretty easy to skim through while you wait for your Iced-Tea:

I kept reading this one over and over at the coffee shop this morning because it sounded so awkwardly written and I wasn’t sure I understood it. Especially the “Joe Our Boy” section. And I kept reading the goofy looking Gs as being 6s. I even had to say it aloud a few times to see if I could parse it out. Then suddenly the letters J-O-B stuck out. And then I solved the rest of the puzzle:

I suppose it may not have been intentional and it’s just my own filthy mind? Either that or someone is a total closet perv. I think it might be the old guy in the corner who is NEVER not here and gives me creepy looks all the time. It kinda reminds me of this photo that circulated the web a couple weeks ago:

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Reasons to Celebrate

Little baby K-Mack/C-Minus/Kroggy is here. Her name is Lily and she’s almost as super cute as her uncle danny. She will make a good accessory.

It’s really strange. There was no baby, and now there’s a baby. Weird. I can’t really wrap my head around it or fathom the transition. I love holding babies, but I was a little more concerned with the condition of the mommy, and maybe a little  too infatuated with asking about the condition of her tored-up hoo-haw. Sometimes I’m blissfully unaware of the ettiquette in certain situations.

 But that’s not the only reason to celebrate. Did you hear?

As of July 1st, Subway will officially start tesselating their cheese.

I think it goes without saying – and without hyperbole – that this is the biggest victory for sandwich enthusiasts in all of recorded sandwich history. I will definitely be ordering a 6-inch BMT on July 1st with a big beaming smile across my face.

And for that reason, and without any power invested in me, I declare Thursday July 1st to be Tessellated Cheese day, and I encourage everyone to celebrate with their own favorite 6-inch, or even a five dollar footlong if you really want to relish in all the tessellated glory.

Victory is ours! See you at Subway!

Oh, and congratulations to the Kroggys. She really is almost as cute as me, and much better than a 6- inch Subway.

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Your Daddy Likes Big Butts,
and He Can Not Lie

I was fortunate to get this email with some helpful suggestions for Father’s Day gifts:

Big Juicy Butts for Dad

Even if one might suspect that one’s dad might be in to this sort of thing, it must be a very special relationship if one feels that it’s appropriate to buy The Big Butt Book for their papa. But far be it from me to judge. Go ahead and indulge your father’s naughty side, if you can do it without shuddering.

They also offer The Big Breasts Book and The Big Penis Book, so really, they have the catalog to cover all of your father’s fetishes. Thank you, Taschen!

On a related note:

Ass Nachos

Wait, whose ass? I need more details because this may or may not be a great offer, depending. I know for a fact that a proper nacho plate is typically larger than my own ass. But what if I were one of the girls featured in the book mentioned above? There would be nacho shortages for sure. So, although it may sound like a sweet deal, I’m going to have to dig into it a little further I think.

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T-Bone in the Wild

I haven’t talked about my good friend T-Bone in a while, mostly because he had a baby and turned into Mr. Mom and doesn’t really leave the house anymore. It’s definitely a new era in the T-Bone saga, which I suppose can only be considered a good thing, although it has resulted in a serious drop in bloggable nights out for danny.

Fortunately for T-Bone, he’s making lots of new friends. Tattooed friends. Sad-clown-tattoed friends. Sad-clown-with-nipples-for-noses-tattooed friends.

He looks like he needs one of the tissues with the infused lotion. No wonder he’s crying.

Oh craps, I just realized that I missed T-Bone’s birthday in April while I was in New Zealand. No wonder he doesn’t call me anymore.

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The Ressurection of My Funny Bone

I’ve been a little upsidedown since returning from vacation. My schedule is all screwy and my head feels blank and my sense of humor is off. Maybe that’s why I laughed for a solid 15 minutes at this depiction of Jesus that an internet acquaintance of mine took at his local funeral home.

Lazarus seems a tad apprehensive to exit the tomb.

Best Jesus Ever has made me laugh again. Thank you, Best Jesus Ever.

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Happy Belated Pi-Day

March 14th was national Pi day (3/14 – duh), and I’m more of a science-fiction/science-fact nerd than I tend to let on. One of my favorite books is Carl Sagan’s Contact, and I’m pretty darned fond of the movie, too. But it was the end of the book that really blew my mind.

SPOILER ALERT: Although the movie omits this little coda, the book ends with Dr. Ellie Arroway getting back to the work of science after her struggles with faith and space-travel have resulted in an otherworldy adventure that nobody believes. As she questions her own beliefs, she ponders if there could ever be a “proof” that a devine creator existed. Then, while plotting out a square graph of the enigmatic digits of Pi using a base 11 structure, a perfect circle (traced out by a specific number) reveals itself in the grid, a hidden message proving a divine purpose to creation itself. I’ll try to illustrate this concept in the typically-rudimentary planetdan style below, using all the wrong numbers of course, but hopefully you’ll still get the drift:

The possibility of this blew my mind at the time. Of course, nobody has made such a discovery yet, but the other day I came across something that is almost as mindblowing and life-affirming:

That’s right. The mirror image of the first three digits of Pi (3.14) spells PIE. Does it prove a divine influence? I leave that up to you to decide. But I probably won’t be running off to church anytime soon.

I can’t decide what I like better. Pi or Pie. Now there’s the eternal debate.

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Power to the Peeps

I have mixed feelings about the Easter season. There is a lot of church going and giving things up and abstaining and fasting and all that disciplined business that doesn’t mix very well with my disposition. But then on the flip side there are Cadbury Cream Eggs.

The majority of Easter candy is pretty gross, though. Those hollow chewy sugar eggs, for instance. Circus peanuts. Unflavored jelly beans. Peeps. Even the chocolate bunnies are rather subpar.

Did you know that the eyes of Peeps won’t dissolve in anything? “Furthermore, Peeps are insoluble in acetone, water, sulfuric acid, and sodium hydroxide,” say Wikipedia. They don’t do very well in stomach acid, either, from what I can remember.

On Easter morning when I was little we would get an old ice cream bucket stuffed with plastic grass, a handful of unflavored jelly beans, some of those gross hallow chewy sugar eggs, a malted milk ball or two, and some Easter eggs. I still don’t understand how hard-boiled eggs are supposed to enhance the flavor of chocolate, or how anybody ever thought of mixing the two into an Easter basket. Those are two great tastes that do NOT taste great together. And this was apparently the reward for not drinking soda pop or eating candy for an entire month? So not worth it.

Although I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the year I got a Go-Bot:

It was Sky-Jack, for anyone having a nostalgia seizure like I am right now.

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Quick Poll

Slathered in irony.

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Starting Off Slow

Getting back into the swing of this blogging thing feels daunting. I better start off slow, take it nice and easy.

Good luck this week, Obama!

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