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Wednesday, March 15, 2006 :::

Can't sleep... baby will eat me... can't sleep... baby will eat me...

The other day, K-Mack left me a surprise on the kitchen table; something she thought I might enjoy with my morning breakfast. She had found it in the weekly mailing supplement. His name is William, and he's your newborn baby boy, captured forever by the miracle of GentleTouch™ vinyl:

He's also one of the scariest, most repulsive things I've ever seen, and not only because he kinda looks like Angelina Jolie-Pitt:

Gross. Who would buy that and what would you do with it once you had it? And why does it need an introductory price? Are they trying to reel you in by offering the first one at the deleriously low price of $24.98 and then – before you know it – you are hooked on hideously ghoulish newborn baby replicas? The first hit is always free.

Then the very next day I was reading the Presurfer when I came across this link to a collection of classic Horror Masks. Some are quite disturbing, indeed, but the worst – BY FAR – is this one, simply titled "Baby":

Seriously, if someone wanted to make dan shit his pants for real, show up at his door wearing that mask on Halloween. Or any other day of the year for that matter. I won't be able to hold it in. It's worse than that guy in the Burger King mask. My face turns white just looking at it.

::: posted by dan at 11:23 AM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments Social Bookmark Button

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25 previous comments:

that should have been NSFW... all the tellers just freaked with that last picture...

I don't really like babies, and this didn't help.

By Blogger the other sarah, at 11:55 AM

By Anonymous kate, at 12:33 PM  

That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen and there have been some dozzies!

By Anonymous wonderment, at 12:50 PM  

Why would anyone want a doll like that? That is such a mindfuck.

By Blogger Elle Marie, at 1:04 PM  

OMG.. These have to be some of the
ugliest creations

I have ever seen.. The forehead on the one is horrific. Sorry Dan if this creeps you out even more.

By Blogger TracyD, at 1:18 PM  

I saw this same doll a little bit ago on
his thoughts were about the same as yours....

I can just see some lady sitting in her rocking chair, holding william and crying while her 37 cats go unfed.....

By Blogger n8 b, at 1:57 PM  

That is just yuck. (Reminds me of those marzipan babies - kind of a weird thing to do, make babies out of marzipan.) I can't help but wonder who is strange enough to actually make this shit.

By Blogger elizabeth, at 2:46 PM  

This is just another one of those things that falls into the "just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD"...I don't know what's freakier, the people who make 'em or the people who buy 'em cause, like someone already said...what do you DO with it? I don't want to know.

By Anonymous Darcy's Twin, at 5:07 PM  

Dan, this is what an alcoholic’s baby would look like if the alcoholic was able to remain virile enough to father a child. But don’t despair. There is still time. Come to an AA meeting and find out how to turn your life around. Also remember Jesus loves all, even the unfortunate ugly or deformed babies of gay alcoholics.

By Anonymous The AA Guy Everyone Loves to Hate, at 5:23 PM  

Sadly newborns really do kinda look like this.

I mean the just popped out, still mildly covered in goo new borns.

Takes a couple days b4 they deugly.

And I agree, what exactly would you do with one of these creepy dolls?

By Blogger Colleen, at 5:27 PM  

Actually, that bottom picture sort of looks like one of the America's Next Top Model contestants in last week's photo shoot where they wore the bald caps. Imagine if one of them had worn their cap to the elimination and Tyra didn't call their name--I think that's what it would have looked like.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:55 PM  

argh! that's creeeepy!

and the AA guy has become lame. he's no longer interesting to read. so AA guy, you should find someone else to bug. you bore me.

By Blogger Honey Bunny, at 8:32 PM  

i agree. AA guy is so *yawn* boring, he says the same lame crap everytime. it no longer even annoys me. i sort of feel sorry for him, actually (ok, i know, we're supposed to just ignore him so he goes away).
people actually buy these "life-like" dolls. They collect them, put them on display on glass shelves, dust them, and never ever play with them. Someday, perhaps, they may become valuable. Ever seen a cupie doll? Hideously ugly, but some people love 'em.

By Anonymous lola, at 10:04 PM  

Did you take a close look at that first baby's hand! Yuck. That's why I hate babies.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:58 PM  

ok ok ok - i´m sorry already. it won´t happen again, i promise. and when i say i belong to the AA, i mean annoying asswankers. I´ll stop writing my childish and petty remarks at Dan´s blogs (jealousy was my only reason, which i have now realised, as Jesus told me, is a sin). So sorry, Dan - you´re not gay and you´re not an alcoholic. I just don´t have a life and have to amuse myself somehow... somehow... Amen

By Anonymous The AA Guy Everyone Loves to Hate, at 2:27 AM  

The Burger King guy must die....if that asshole showed up at my house, Id shove a Whopper up his ass. That baby thingy is freaky...
who the hell BUYS something like that?!

By Anonymous Daphne'sTwin, at 7:25 AM  

Actually, I'm pretty sure that's not a baby mask. That's the "Sad Wallace Shawn" mask.

I find that if I think it's Wallace Shawn, it's a lot less horrifying.

By Blogger crabbydad, at 8:07 AM  

reminds me of this story:

ugly, creepy...and strung out.

By Blogger Kathleen, at 8:40 AM  

I found out what you do with them.

Or at least with these ones...

"The dolls can be used for bathing demonstrations, nappy changing practice and sibling classes. 52 cm long, moulded in soft plastic with joints at the neck shoulders and hips."

But just so you don't hurt yourself...

"Please note that they are not intended as fetal doll models and they cannot be used with any pelvis to show the birth process." YIKES!!!

By Blogger tcarole, at 11:38 AM  

You want to be scared by a baby? Try this on for size.

By Anonymous Doll, at 11:53 AM  

I checked out the original mask site, which has pictures of them displayed in the guy's living room. I bet he doesn't get many dates...

By Anonymous cubicalgirl, at 12:57 PM  

Eww, jeez! That doll looks all horribly bruised and beat up. Like an English nanny got hold of it or something. It's nightmarish.

By Anonymous june, at 1:20 PM  

Very very very strange what people actually buy and want to have in their homes...... strange. But you nailed it on that Jolie+Pitt comparison - they could totally have that as their offspring

By Anonymous Richard, at 1:38 PM  

John Waters bought one of those baby dolls and took a picture with him on it for his Christmas card last year.

It was hysterical. Everyone apparently thought this was really a baby he adopted, which is scary on so many levels.

By Blogger Bewareoftheblog, at 4:36 PM  

see, i think this just proves that asian babies are the cuuuuutest. :)

you should bring back that post with all the korean babies.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:44 PM  

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