Swimming with Sharks

I’ve been gone. From both the blogosphere and Minnesota. I sold my house and have been trying to buy a new one and the process is astoundingly awful and drawn out, in the middle of which I went to Hawaii and swam with the sharks:

When the lady said, “Anyone who wants to swim with the White Tips, follow me this way,” I didn’t realize that White Tips were sharks. Sure, they are smaller, docile creatures who seemed more interested in burying their heads in the ocean floor than eating the fleshy part of my thigh, but being an Icthyophobe, I got the hell out of there as soon as I realized what I was looking at. Eff that.

I’m surprised I even got in the ocean in the first place, considering I had sworn off snorkeling when I saw them drag a dead snorkeler out of the surf and onto the beach on a previous Hawaiian adventure. “That guy’s hardcore!” we all remarked as we saw him strutting out into the ocean on his own with nothing but a snorkel mask and some flippers. A few minutes later, he wasn’t so hardcore anymore. Unexpected deaths can cast a pall over your entire vacation if you’re not careful, so you gotta keep them to a minimum.

Anyway, I’ll blog all about my trip, my shark adventure, my old-house-selling and my new-home-buying woes, as well as everything else as soon as I can get myself and my soiled swimsuit sorted out.

In the meantime, here are some more grody fishies.

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A Sexy Halloween Overload

It’s that time of the year again.

We all know that sexy Halloween costumes for women have gotten out of control. I lampooned them years ago. The difference between then and now is that back then I had to invent phony costumes in order to push it to the level of total absurdity, but now the costume manufacturers are doing the work for me. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, the following examples of my favorite Sexy Halloween Costumes of 2010 need no embellishment:

1. Sexy Avatar Babe
This one was inevitable, since it’s the most popular movie of all time, and you just know that dozens of sci-fi convention gals have been testing out their blue coverall makeup for months. But even if it’s totally popular, that doesn’t mean it’s not entirely regrettable.

2. Sexy Horror Movie Heroes
The female Jason costume is just a sports jersey with no pants, which is probably the same as her “Sunday Best” in the Fall. And lady Chucky? There was a Bride of Chucky, you know. Why make him into a her when you already got a perfectly good her? I suppose at the very least they are trying to be scary.

3. Sexy New Twists on Old Classics
Apparently old classics like Sexy Cop just weren’t sexy enough anymore, so this new version updates the ensemble into what is basically a handkerchief and a thong. If it weren’t for the barely-there badge and the handcuffs, this costume could just as easily be called Sexy Discount Fabric Scraps.

4. Sexy CSI Slut
This one is sort of baffling, just because I can’t think of a logical reason for her to be wrapped in crime-scene tape, unless she was the victim, and the magnifying glass is like CSI: Sherlock Holmes edition. And where on earth does she keep her fingerprinting duster?

5. Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Cowabunga! You and three of your sluttiest friends can have the sexy time of your life… at your 10-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party.

6. Sexy Finding Nemo Nymphette
Or you could have the sexy time of your life… at your 8-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party.
You can buy this at yandy.com, if you are so inclined.

7. Sexy Sesame Street Hotties
Or you could have the sexy time of your life… at your 5-year-old neighbor’s Halloween party. Because why stop at elementary school? Why not scar children for life right in pre-school? Heck, everyone needs to learn that C is for Cookie sometime. Sexy Big Bird blows my mind.

8. Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
This one might be my favorite.

“Hey Tiff, what are you going to be for Halloween?”

“Sexy Mrs. Potato Head.”

“That’s hott.” <– said in your most Paris Hiltony voice.

9. Sexy Halloween Time for Man Sluts
Apparently, the Sexy Halloween Costume trend is even crossing gender boundaries this year, although they are starting off simple:

Unfortunately, the sexiest man costume of all is not available yet. But don’t fret, it’s coming soon. Just in case the Walmart near you doesn’t carry black wife-beaters, self-tanner, and Aquanet.

Can’t wait until next year!

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Belated

Oops. Shhhhh. Don’t bring it up, but planetdan.net turned eight years old last week and I forgot to give it a present. :(

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Nostalgic for Nostalgia

I was watching TV last weekend when I came across a rerun of “I Love the 80′s” on VH1. That odd thing is that those nostalgia shows originally aired like 15 years ago and watching them again is like a blast from the past, so I realized I was having nostalgia about the nostalgia shows.

I watched multiple episodes in a row, not to reminisce about the 80′s, but rather to reminisce about the cast of comedians and commenters as they reminisced about the 80′s back in the 90′s. I know it sounds complicated, but it was fascinating to watch the various has-been commenters (who were at the time probably very “now”) tell lame jokes and make unfunny references to random things that were apparently popular and current in the 90′s but now seem as old hat as AOL.

They need a new show, called “I Love ‘I Love the 80s’” where they bring in NEW commentators to comment on the OLD commentators, talking about how lame their hairdos were and making various “where are they now?” jokes. Of course, these new commenters and their jokes would only be relevant for about five years and then it would inevitably become old and lame until the cycle began again and they brought in even NEWER commentators to comment on the formerly new commentators as they commented on the OLD commentators who were commenting about the 80′s. And this could happen ad infinitum forever and ever amen until VH1 was just a big babbling meta channel of talking heads and criss-crossing comments on a 24-hours-a-day program called “I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love ‘I Love the 80′s Strikes Back”””.

At a certain point, it might get too complicated to understand who’s commenting about what, though, with commenters commenting about commenters commenting about commenters. Like watching Inception and never being able to figure out whose dream you are in.

In five years, that Inception reference is going to seem so 2010.

And speaking about the 80′s, they were awesome:

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Animated Friday (Corgi-Flop Edition)!

Happy-time file make danny happy. So happy, in fact, that I will post it directly on the front page and not even worry about the bandwidth issues of loading a 2MB file every time somebody accesses this page:

Seriously, I could watch that all day. And I know it’s actually Thursday, but I just couldn’t wait.

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Cuz The Prez Says

I think that maybe the Prez was a douchebag in gym class, although probably a funny douchebag:

And just in case you didn’t know, you ain’t Obama’s bitch, and you need to buy your own damn fries (MNSFW): Get Adobe Flash player

More fun Obama audio clips at April Winchell. Perfect for turning into ringtones.

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OMG

We’ve been planning a trip to Maui this Fall for a couple years now. I like Hawaii, but I don’t much like the Ocean. I’m a tad ascared of it. So when my friends get all excited about the prospect of snorkeling, I will send them pictures like this:

Yeah, that’s a Great White that has been half-eaten by something even larger and toothier than a Great White. I’m going to pass on the snorkeling, thanks. Plus, last time I went in the Ocean in Hawaii I got swimmer’s ear, which was entirely unpleasant, even when you throw in the subsequently prescribed Vicodin.

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Nanners

C-Minus (the artist formally known as K-Mack) recently had a baby and she’s coming along just fine. I like her lots, in spite of the fact that she seems completely disinterested in her uncle Dan:

You wouldn’t think it, but babies are a tough audience. Maybe I just need to buy her more presents to gain her favor. I’m thinking this is a super cute shirt that everyone will enjoy:

Here’s a bonus creepy pic:

You might think that C-Minus’ house is dirty and dusty when you look at the beam of light coming through that window. I know I did. But she assured me, “No, that’s just bacon grease.” So no worries.

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Mind = Blown

I’ve seen a lot of swirlie optical illusions on the web in my day, but this one blows my mind. How many colors do you see in the colorful swirlies below? Pink, Orange, Green, and Blue, right? WRONG. The blue and the green are the same color.


From the red-eye puzzler.I even brought it into Photoshop just to make sure I wasn’t being bamboozled. See here for yourself. That’s messed up.

Fer real.

And as a personal companion piece, here is an old classic yawn-worthy optical illusion I video-taped at Puzzling World in Wanaka, New Zealand, which I feel is blogworthy since it’s at least on video, which means it’s totally high-tech and stuff:

There’s magic all up in this bitch!

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Happy Anniversary = Sad Memories

The Goonies is 25 years old this year. And I can still remember the first time I ever saw it. Vividly.


Fall… Break…

I was ten years old – prime Goonie-lovin’ age – when it was released in theaters. My mother planned an outing for my friend Timmy Crocker and me to see it on a Wednesday. When we picked up Timmy, he started blabbing about how he had already seen the movie that previous weekend and how awesome it was. I was deflated.

By the time we reached the theater, he had summarized the entire plot of the movie. And he ended with this warning: “Man, there are so many skeletons in that movie… man, if you don’t like skeletons, you’re going to HATE this movie!”

I didn’t mind the skeletons at all, but I was surprised that he had completely omitted the malformed-manchild-chained-up-in-the-basement part of the movie, which really freaked my 10-year-old-sh!t out.

I was only friends with Timmy-the-Buzkill-Crocker for a couple more years, when one morning before school another classmate approached me to tell me that Tim had told everyone that I had cheated at a boardgame called Squiggle, and was therefore totally lame. I recall the game of Squiggle in question very vividly as well, and truth be told, I have no idea if I cheated or not, because I totally did not understand how to play the game but was pretending like I did. Timmy Crocker was a tad smarter than Dan was, you see, and I thought it was probably better to have the reputation of being a cheater than someone who was not smart enough to understand the needlessly complicated rules of a game called Squiggle. So I just let it slide. But Timmy Crocker didn’t hang out with me much after that. :(

Goonies is still one of my all-time favorites, though. Even if it was ruined for me in advance by the the Squiggle champion of the world.

ps. There is a board game out these days called Squiggle that is completely different than the game of my youth. One has something to do with drawing doodles and the other one has something to do with lots of colored blocks with random point values and shaming children who are not smart enough to play it. So try not to confuse the two.

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Animated Friday (Dogs are Heartless Edition)!

People think that dogs are all sweet and kind and loving and man’s best friend and all that, but they are just as heartless and self-serving as humans:

See.

See.

See.

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Just a Sex

I haven’t been a very good blogger as of late. I’ve been trying to sell my house and buy a new one and all that business has my guts tied up in knots and so animated GIFs just aren’t tickling my fancy right now. But I’m still making plently of embarrassing blunders of course:

I think it’s strange that my initial panic responses to these types of embarrassing scenarios is to say “Oh Jeeze” like I’m Marge Gunderson or something.

By this point my coworkers must be thinking I’m some closet perv who is unable to avoid overt Freudian slips. Stupid C and stupid X being so stupidly close together on the stupid keyboard. Sorry, Tara.

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Flat out busted.

I’ve gotten a little pushy at work, so even if a coworker’s Instant Messenger status says they are “busy” or “away”, I just IM them anyway. This is probably obnoxious, but sometimes I just got no time for petty delays. My work is too important! Today my unbridled ambition and reckless haste may have backfired on me, though:

Tina must have thought I was insane. Or in some sex chatroom. Stupid T and stupid Y are so stupidly close together on the stupid keyboard. Sorry, Tina.

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Pasafire

I went out to dinner last night, and my friends brought their grandchild along to join us. He is actually cute as a button and very well-behaved. He’s just entering the first grade and he even ate scallops and escargot without blinking an eye. When I was that age, I was crawling under the table like a common brat and nothing but pizza was ever allowed to penetrate my lips.  So I was duely impressed.

But eventually, like any child would, he started to get antsy from having to sit in one place for so long, so to preoccupy him a bit his grandparents gave him a pen and a paper and told him to make a nice card for danny.

This is what I got:

Looks like I made a good impression on the lad. Not bad for a first-grader. Oh, he also told me a joke:

Q. How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
A: Poker Face.

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Once more, for old time’s sake.

I get a ton of requests to alter the Falling Georgie screensaver to feature a variety of different people. Usually random people’s bosses, parents, local politicians, or other unloved individuals. Apparently people can achieve a certain sense of stress release by throwing around some jackass they might not otherwise have control over.

I have been known to oblige these requests on occasion if it’s a global figure that I actually recognize, with the exception of a few psychotic despots who might hunt me down in retaliation or something. I’m not going to make a screensaver featuring some Mexican drug warlord, or Kim Jung Il, for instance.

But the other day I got my first non-politician request that I ever actually considered: the CEO of BP. So I went ahead and did it, mostly just for the fun of slopping oil all over the BP logo:

Have fun.

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